Nora's journey

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Nora :l

It must be so hard without your dad...just remember all the good times and how much you loved each other! Have fun with your mom and give her lots of hugs :h It's hard to see them age...

Good job TTFP every day! I choke it down every day too. No more messing about and "forgetting" it! Sounds like you're at a stage mentally where you see alcohol for what it really is...the romance is gone. When I finally realized that it all became so much easier.

Love you Miss Nora, stay strong :h

[Quakegirl]

Nora's journey

Norah, you are doing so great. AD withdrawal is the worst. You need to taper by literally 10 percent at a time, and give it months to get used to each reduction if you're having that severe a response. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without that added load.
My life is as wrapped up in sick parents, nursing homes and worries about aging and sickness as it sounds like yours is. So I absolutely relate to what you're going through. Like you, I just know I won't drink today. I am not so sure about tomorrow. But today I can do for certain. Will check back in same time tomorrow.

[Quakegirl]

Nora's journey

Late - but back again. How are you doing? I hope things have eased a bit for you.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

I just wanted to check in & say thank you for checking on me and for all of the support. :hI have just been lurking here........grateful for the time I'm spending with my Mom.

I'm heading to bed soon but will try to post tomorrow.

[Glass Half Empty]

Nora's journey

I'm glad you're OK Nora - keep checking in, OK?

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-20-13

Don't have much to say but I can feel myself pulling away from here and that leads to trouble. So, I thought I better journal for a bit......

So many of my friends here are going thru such a hard time. My thoughts & prayers are with them. I tell myself to stop complaining when I see what they are all going thru. Puts things in perspective. So, this is not complaining at all.....these are just thoughts that I am putting down.

I will be leaving my Mom's to go home on Sunday. That is going to be hard. She asks me many times a day to stay here. So, it's going to be hard to leave. I have thought about how in the world can I work this out so I can move up here. It would not be easy. It is just not a possibilty right now.

Out of the clear blue the other night, Mom asked me if my birthday was this month. I said yes and she asked what day. So, she read me this horoscope:

"Keep everything out in the open or you may be accuesd of being deceptive. Don't let love lead to an impulsive mood you'll regret."

I don't remember her ever reading me a horoscope in my life! So, she read me that and then said that because I love her, don't move up here and regret it. Very odd........

I'm still taking the AB daily. I keep thinking I'm going to stop it & then I end up taking it again the next day. I am trying not to look out in the future. Just a day at a time. So, I guess that's all I can do. It is still the same that when I do think about drinking, my mind keeps going to the bad parts of it....the day after, my husband being upset, the hangover. So, I guess that is a positive thing that I am still seeing the bad side instead of the instant gratification.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-21-13

Sunshine GG wrote something that could have been written by me. So, I am putting it here so I can remember that I'm not the only that feels this way:

Well, as I'm taking a good hard look at myself, my habits, my triggers, etc... I realize (again) that much of my drinking has to do with the fact that I don't 'talk'. I hate confrontation with a passion, I go out of my way to avoid it. So, I don't say what's on my mind (mostly in regards to my partner), keep everything inside, and when it finally gets too much, I drink myself into my own little world, where everything is good and well. Until I sober up. Then, it's the original sh*t plus guilt and grovelling. Smart move, kid.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

well said Nora....love and hugs

[Cocoflo]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora, Don't mean to crash your thread, but thank you for sharing your journey and posting that quote. I'm only on day 5, but I've been thinking about what triggers my drinking, and you have exactly described it!

best,
cocoflo

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Hey Coco - glad to meet you!! Day 5 is awesome - someone told me recently don't say only day whatever. Every day we are sober is positive. :l

[sunshine_gg]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1588785 wrote: Hey Coco - glad to meet you!! Day 5 is awesome - someone told me recently don't say only day whatever. Every day we are sober is positive. :l

I second that!!!

Please don't pull away Nora... I know exactly what you mean about that spelling trouble. It's the same for me. You are working through a lot of things and difficult feelings right now. But you're DOING it! Very proud of you - chin up, lovely lady :l

[Quakegirl]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora it's great that you're thinking it through...and posting here....rather than impulsively going for the bottle. I think the more we strengthen that 'thing it through' muscle, the stronger it gets for next time we need it.
It's so hard with aging parents, isn't it? It gets so sad, from time to time, when you realise how much the tables have turned and how small their worlds have begun. Somehow we have to take care of ourselves, as well as them, through this. Otherwise we end up exactly where we started...staring at the bottom of an empty bottle, night after night, fast becoming not much use to anyone...let alone ourselves. Stay close, we all need one another x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

12-1-13

December already. Wow! This has been a hard year but I am blessed with a wonderful family and wonderful friends.....that includes all of the people here. I can honestly say that I feel so connected with so many people from here. We've never met but we have been together thru thick & thin.

Today is 89 days AF. I've been at this point a couple of times but never made it past.

Scott is going to be going up to his Dad's next week. Probably won't be home for Christmas. His Dad has been in the hospital then nursing facility since Oct 21. We just don't know what is going to happen. We don't know how he is going to be able to live alone. He is having a hard time walking. This was his 4th or 5th time falling. He doesn't want to go into assisted living and some of the places are way out of the price range. $3000.00 a month.

I have been playing the scenario in my head. Stop the antabuse - I can drink while he's gone. No issues...no fights, etc. I had convinced myself. Skipped my antabuse yesterday. Thought about it some more, playing it out in my head. I ended up taking the antabuse again today.

I don't know why I think that it's something I want/need to do. Well, not need. But, I guess I just think it will be my last hurrah. A fun evening of having a couple drinks and chilling out. But, when I thought about it more, I knew that wasn't true. It would be way more than a couple drinks. It would be waking up the next morning feeling awful. It would be days of drinking. It would be struggling to get back to where I am now.

I also think that a huge part of this is wanting to stop my mind for a bit. Scott is in constant pain. It has been so bad lately. Worried about my Mom. Worried about Scott's Dad. Just so many things. So, I think that I'll have a relaxing evening and not worry about anything. I have to remember that is not the answer.

I don't know where this is going to end up. But, I do know that i took my antabuse today. I need to continue using that tool at this point because that forces me to stop & think about it for at least a week before I can pick up the bottle. So, I filled up my pill case and am planning (at least for this moment) to continue on the AB.

Part of my plan:
Gym - back to the gym after being off for almost 3 weeks because of vacation
Support - Sticking close to MWO - using my friends here for support. I've got phone numbers so I can call people
Diet - Getting back to a healthy diet after this past week of junk. I do better when I eat better
Journal - Going to try to log in here every day or so to keep track of my progress
Read - I have been reading so many posts on here. Reading & really thinking about what has worked for other people
Plans - Making plans to keep me busy. Keep me from being alone at home on the weekends

I'm sure I'll think of many more things but for now, those are the ones that I have been working on. Actually, coming here & admitting what is in my mind instead of just quietly disappearing for a bit is huge for me. Maybe that means that I've made some progress......

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

12-2-13

RANT!
I'm struggling big time. On very shaky ground. I go into Wal-Mart and am bombarded by alcohol displays everywhere. When I first walked in the door.....as I walked down the aisle. Wiine, beer, wine glasses, beer glasses. I'm not even going to be able to go into a store when Scott leaves. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Rant over..........

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

My lovely Nora!! What a wonderful open honest post --- and I absolutely understand about 'when Scott goes away'
A few years back I was getting a few months here and a few months there --- but Joe had made my sobriety 'all about him' --- I was getting and keeping sober 'for him' --- I organised a holiday for myself to a really gorgeous hotel in a lovely place in the sun --- went on my own, told him I wanted some peace and 'time-out' and time to read my books -- well Nora, I fell into a bottle as soon as I hit the airport --- barely remember the week. Cunning drunk that I was, I doubt that ANYONE in that hotel knew that I was drinking at all --- I had water bottles at the swimming pool --- full of vodka --- yes, the first few days, I got a couple of hours of good buzzes -- but other than that --- nothing --- vague memories, loneliness and tears --- it was the awfullest isolation of the alcoholic.... NOT what I wanted -- a few 'harmless' beers or wine without someone nagging or looking disapproving ---- I think THAT holiday MAY have been the beginning for me of 'doing this for me' --- I saw what I did to myself, not what Joe was doing to me..... dunno if any of that makes sense --- and as you WELL know from the past conversations we've had -- I understand the whole husband thing
You're a lovely lady Nora --- one of the special ones here --- you and I deserve more --- you know that, I know that --- sending mad hugs and kisses xxxxx