Nora's journey

[sweetpea29]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1678982 wrote: Wow - long time since I've been here. Wish I could report that it has all been smooth sailing but that's not true. Trying to get back on track. My familiar refrain. But, I'm doing it now and plan on continuing. That's all I can say for right now. A minute at a time. But, the alternative is to give up and I refuse to give up!

I read an interesting quote today:
From a certain point on there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.............Franz Kafka

I think that could apply to my struggle here. I need to reach the point where I KNOW this is what I want and I CONTINUE forward instead of sliding.

Doing well now but am working on tools that I need. That is what I need to concentrate on now. I get lazy and don't continue to work on the sobriety.

:yay: on never giving up Nora

You will get there xx

[Glass Half Empty]

Nora's journey

Well done for not giving up Nora :h

"Two steps forward and one step back is still one step ahead."

[paulywogg]

Nora's journey

Love you Nora

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Oh - thank you so much! All the support that is here is what keeps me knowing that I am moving in the right direction. :h

[coriander]

Nora's journey

You inspire me with your honesty. Nora, much support your way.

[Sunbeam]

Nora's journey

I'm glad you are doing well right now, just keep it going.

[NoraC]

Wow..........
5 years ago................what have I learned? I have 'learned' a lot. But, what have I changed??

I am ready to make changes - this is just ridiculous that I am sitting here so many years later in worse shape.........."slow learner/stupid/coward/caregiver/loving/caring/...sad...."

Well, this is day 3 of my decision once again to stop drinking. When I sit and think about it ......it has been years of me saying this. Oh, I'll stop for a bit. Even a few months at a time. But......it's always the same. I start drinking again. I need to learn that I can not be the sociable drinker.
So, here I am with two full days under my belt. I have started taking the Topamax again. I have ordered the Kudzu and I already had Milk Thistle and L-Glutamine. I'm going to start with that.
I have started leaning on my best friend and my husband and son. I'm also going to learn to lean on my new friends here. I think that I have a hard time letting go and leaning on anyone so I lean on the alcohol. Who knows if that is even true or just one more twisted cop out in my brain.
So.....here is the beginning of my change to a better life......................

[scottish lass]

Nora :hug::hug::hug:

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Hello Nora. I wish you were my next door neighbor so that I could give you a physical hug.

I wish I could turn a magic button and change the past for you... I wish the outcome "5 years later" was looked upon more favorably by you.

"Slow learner"... well, Nora, if you say so, but the fact is you said LEARNED. Like it or not, you've learned.
"Coward".... maybe, but maybe NOT. To admit defeat and yet to try again- that, my friend, takes MORE COURAGE than you give yourself credit for.
"Caregiving/Loving/Caring"... yes, Nora, you are.

My friend, we are all human. If there was a magic pill or a scientific formula, we would all take it and happily moderate away our life. There would be no such thing as alcoholism, or drunk drivers, or bitter feelings. As much as we try to want a normal relationship with booze, at some point we have to admit that it just isn't going to happen.

You have sewn together 100 day patches of AF happiness into your 5 years here... you've fallen off, and gotten back onto the horse time and time again. You've had some happy days, filled with California sunshine and laughter. And you will have them in your future, too.

Keep trying Nora. Patty :hug:

[NoraC]

Thank you so much SL and Patty! :heartbeat:

[Roadside]

Nora,
I empathize with your pain and felt shame, but remember the shame you feel is what YOU presume on yourself. We are our own worst critics and the conclusions we draw on ourselves are not always accurate.

If you have abstained for months at a time, I think that is pretty darn good and hard for some to achieve. Yes, years of AF are impressive and necessary for some, but damn, that is like way too long to keep up perfection.

For me, who thinks 'when does this journey start?' over and over again, I try to be 'mindful' of how good I feel when I am AF; my skin looks better, my house isn't littered wih beer cans, I don't have hangovers, etc. I try to remind myself that I really do feel good when clean and it is really ok to NOT run to the store, when cravings hit, it will pass. Of course, such a strategy is probably not new to you. Just trying to share my personal success with AF mindfulness.

So Nora, be gentle wih yourself, remember what we perceive is not always reality, there is still life, be mindful of AF moments, and remember, one is their own worst critic (more self-critical people are correlated with higher intelligence).

[Sunbeam]

Nora, you have helped many others here, including me. You should take comfort in that.

[NoraC]

Wow - it has been about 9 months since I've looked at this log. What a journey I have been on.

Today I just am out of sorts. Nothing wrong but everything is wrong kind of day. :cuss: Everything is upsetting me or irritating me! Poor people that are around me. They will learn to run. :egad:

I sometimes need to just need to vent. I don't want to take up precious space on this forum by venting so I'm going to just do it here. There are so many people with real issues that need support. I'm just whiny.

Today is 66 days. I wasn't able to log on this morning to enter my days on the Roll Call and that bugged me. It was like I had to get it written down. It was bothering me that I couldn't connect.

Anyway - I have not read back here on this journal. It's just more of the same. I have so many AF days and then I just say F***K it. I am not to that point - I hope that I'm learning something thru all of this. But, I can tell that I am feeling a little weak and I am trying to be proactive and make sure that I have things in place to keep me sober.

It's funny but as soon as I started typing, my body started to relax. I guess I just needed to be able to express myself. I get hung up trying to analyze myself and if I just start typing, it works itself out. LOL

Hubby noticed the other day that I haven't had a drink in a long time. I was able to tell him that it was over 60 days. We haven't really discussed it. I said I wasn't drinking but I imagine he's waiting to see signs of sneaking. He hasn't said but he had to have known what I was doing. People don't come out all drunk after slipping out of the room for a few minutes. Anyway, he was very happy for me that it had been so long. He knows that I'm trying. He's trying too. We are trying to connect more and do things together. It has been really nice.

Well - lunch is over but I do feel better.................

[NoraC]

I've just been feeling so out of sorts, anxious. Don't know how to describe it. I've been doing well but just sinking. Not really thinking about drinking but scared that there is a crack opening up in my resolve.

My son's court date is coming up October 14. Terrified that he is going to jail.
So worried about my bringing my Mom down here and if she'll do ok.
Stressing out about getting everything ready in the next month for Mom to be coming.
Work is still stressful and I'm tired of being snapped at and dealing with the shit.

So - deep breath - another deep breath.

Focus on breathing. Focus on good thoughts. Focus on good energy.

I really am not craving drinking. I am more sliding into the just wanting to sleep mode. However, that mode always leads further down the path into the drinking to forget/to numb/to sleep. Just that slippery slope.......

So - I am going to stay very connected for the next few weeks. And, if I need help I am going to ask for help. I am going to stay strong.
(Except right now I went and got some chocolate zingers. I need to stop eating the sweets but for the moment, I will allow it. )

[fennel]

Nora, I know this is going to sound corny, but...when I get anxious, I say the serenity prayer. Most of what worries me I really have zero ability to control. You can't control the outcome of your son's court date, you can't control how your mom will react when she arrives...I think your hubs had really good advice when he told you to think positive thoughts about that.

As someone said in a meeting the other day, "Life gets 'lifey' sometimes..." The thing you can control is how you react to your set of circumstances.

You've been unhappy at work for a long time...can you transfer your skills to another position elsewhere? I know you've been at your job for ages, but it might be worthwhile to go somewhere else. :hug: