Nora's journey

[idefineme]

http://headspace-perspective.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/emptycup.jpg

Nora, sounds like you know exactly what to do, down to focusing on the fact that life is good. I hope you have a beautiful day :hug:

[NoraC]

Well - today is my birthday and I started thinking. Thinking starts me here babbling so here I am...........

I received so many well wishes from friends here and in other areas of my life. I am very blessed. I also received congratulations & good job & keep it up from my friends here. It just made me start thinking again that I don't want to blow it this time. And, I wrote some of this in other posts today but I want to put it here so that I can come back and REMEMBER the way I REALLY feel.

I went to the Doctor today. I was talking to her a little about Mom and what has been going on. She asked me - and how have things been with all the stress? Have you had any problems? I was able to look her straight in the eye and say I've been doing really well. Took antabuse a couple of times but no problems. That felt so great to be able to say that.

I have been working on myself for several years to try to be a better person ........in just accepting......let go of anger........look for happiness........it's hard to explain but it's almost like I've been on a spiritual path. I kept going back to alcohol and it derailed my journey to find myself. I feel like things are coming together for me in that area now. Of course, that is a path that never ends but I do feel like I am on that path finally.

I must remember that because I know how hard the next few months are going to be. I want to stay strong and continue walking down that path. I like where it is headed.........

[abcowboy]

Nora, anger was my downfall as well, but once I learned to let it go things always seemed to get better! A little spirituality never hurts anyone, look where it got me!

[mama bear]

love you Nora

[Glass Half Empty]

I'm so proud of you Nora. You are a wonderful person and you're handling the toughest things life can throw at you with courage and dignity, and I have every faith in you that you can continue to do so.

Keep on keeping on, honey!
:love:

[Guitarista]

I'm so proud of you Nora. You are a wonderful person and you're handling some of the toughest things life can throw at you with courage and dignity, and I have every faith in you that you can continue to do so.

Keep on keeping on, honey!
:love:

Hi Glassy! :heartbeat:

Great stuff Nora. You absolutely Raawk! :llama:

[Sunbeam]

Nora, the next few months may be easier, not harder. Things with your mom will never be easy, but you are getting stronger.

[NoraC]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I wish that I could put into words how much you all mean to me. So many of you have been with me for years watching me stumble and try to find my way. Having you all here - UNDERSTANDING me - has helped me so much. I finally feel hope again. I never said this but I had pretty much given up about 6 months ago. Just done fighting. I knew I was killing myself and it was just a matter of time before it happened.

After that last incident of hubby picking up that water bottle, I have not had a drink. That is in a large part to everyone here. Something so simple as my daily log in to Roll Call, or having someone ask me how I am, or giving me a bit of encouragement or congratulations. Those things are so important to me. I get into trouble every time that I pull back from this group. I have had a hard time connecting for a few days and I can feel it. I haven't really thought about drinking but I need this energy here to keep me focused.

So, I am making myself a priority. Just like idef posted 'You can't pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.' I will be no good to anyone if I don't put my sobriety first. So, I will make time for MWO daily.

[NoraC]

Posted by Cowboy

We can discuss relapses and slips, cravings and triggers, stress, anxiety, HALT, and all the rest. I think those are all valuable discussions in learning why we drink, but I can assure you, if or when you reach for that next drink, it’s because you want to drink more than you want to be sober. It’s that simple, everything else is just an excuse! When the “I wishes” hit me, that’s the question I sincerely ask myself “Do I really want to drink, or am I happier to be sober?” The answer is clear to me, I’m grateful for a sober life. All of what I’ve said might have all the researchers and doctors scratching their heads, all those studies and years of research, the millions of dollars spent trying to figure out AUD, only to come up with something so simple?? Well it works for a simple, somewhat stupid guy like me, and for that I’m grateful!

[NoraC]

Another post I want to remember......this is from Matt M.

Me too Lifechange, I find myself feeling the same way.
I also realize to retain and strengthen muscle mass I must exercise often. I liken this to my addiction, and I have to be reminded.
I don't need to wait until life takes a turn for the worse, then show up last minute looking for quick resolve ~ Our Strength or muscle memory is weakened at this point, and God knows how easy it is to crumble when we are weak.
Information Gathering, by reading and being actively involved is our mental strengthening, our shield.
Hopefully by physically putting this down in words, I can be held accountable for practicing what I preach.
It is by NO mistake that the some of the, most active, involved daily posters in the nest have multi years of sobriety.....

[idefineme]

I'm going to have to find that post, because that is really excellent! Thanks for sharing that!

[NoraC]

I'm going to have to find that post, because that is really excellent! Thanks for sharing that!

Thanks for reminding me.....I'm going to go find the post and put the link next to it.

[NoraC]

Byrdlady always makes such meaningful posts. This is such a good one...........

Byrdlady 12-31-15

By the time we get to MWO, we are really looking at two choices....drink ourselves to death, or put it down and live!

[NoraC]

I read such an interesting post the other day and I should have written it down then. So, I'm off to find it. It might have been from Available but I'm not sure.

It was regarding how the first year people are learning to live together/know each other without the alcohol. How it's different for everyone in the family not just the ex-drinker. Anyway, things have been 'tense' here lately. And it all goes back to I'm letting myself try to take on hubby's moods. This is my issue and it has always been my issue. Feeling responsible for everything. Hubby has been moody for the past few days. I immediately think that I've done something wrong. So, my whole body goes on red alert mode. I am on edge, anxious. The fact is - his pain levels have been up and he has been depressed. Nothing to do with me.

I used alcohol for years to cover up my feelings. No more - now I need to look at this and realize that it's not a biggie. Maybe a little uncomfortable, tense but no biggie. We're not fighting or upset. I just need to realize that I am not responsible for making everyone happy and making everything perfect. I can't do that.

Off to find that great post now..................

Available 12-29-15

Kensho every thing changes when someone stops drinking. The dynamics change completely and its subtle and everyone needs to believe you are not drinking and learn to trust and see that you are totally serious in sobriety. What my children used to get away with as i was drunk just didnt happen anymore. They had to get to know the new me other than the drinking me, they had to believe i was serious and not going to relapse. I changed and eventually they changed also. People on here say that it takes a year for everyone to heal emotionally, its not just us we did the damage to, it is others around us also. Just because my thoughts, feelings, emotions changed and i wanted everything different, didnt mean that others did at first. People are resistant to change, its like leading a horse to water! Give it time and give yourself time to heal. If he follows then great, if not then you have some hard decisions to make.

[NoraC]

Well - I just checked and I am over 9 months now. Amazing to think of. I was in such a dark place a year ago. Just had pretty much given up even attempting to quit. It makes me sick to think of it now.......all the effort that I put into sneaking it, going to different stores, disposing of the bottles. I am so very grateful to be out of that hole.

I still have that image of the girl down in the hole in the sidewalk in my head.

I fell into that hole so many times. I never want to be in there again.

Had a very sobering conversation with my therapist today and I need to talk about it.......

I haven't seen her for probably 3 months or so. I have been talking to her for at least 5 years. Sometimes every other week but normally every couple of months or so.
When everything happened with Casey last year, MT (my therapist) shared a little bit of her personal life. Her daughter is a drug addict, had even spent several days in jail for possession, etc. It really helped me that she shared that with me. She told me that she attended al-anon and suggested that I might benefit from it. Anyway, her daughter was in a better place.
I went in today and I could tell that her previous appointment had not gone well. A teenage girl & her mother and the young girl was crying. I think she was going to need medical treatment. So, I got back into her office and say hi. Told her I was sorry that she had had a hard session. Just sat and let her finish up the other chart and everything. I told her I was in a really good place. That yes I get down and have bad days, etc. - just like a normal person. Told her that I ate cookies at someone instead of drinking. She said that was absolutely fine. LOL We talked for about 20 minutes or so. She said how happy she was to hear that.
I finally said. Well everything is going ok with me and gave her a big smile. How's your daughter doing? Expecting to hear how well she has been doing. MT looked at me...........then said, my daughter passed away last September.
I am sitting here crying as I type this. Her daughter has suffered depression/anxiety from young teenage years. Been to therapists, psychiatrists, etc. Well, MT said that she & daughter had a big fight the night before. MT knew that daughter(21 years old) was going out on a bender and they had an argument. MT even threw the drugs into the street. Well, daughter ended up texting MT during the night that she wanted to come home. She went and got her. MT went to work the next morning. Daughter went into cardiac arrest and was rushed to the hospital. She didn't make it.
We both sat there & cried for 20 minutes. She kept apologizing. I just thanked her for sharing with me. I don't know how she does it. In there talking to all these people and hearing their petty problems while she is dealing with her daughters death. She said that she has to go on - she has another child. Her son is applying to colleges right now.
My heart hurts so badly for them. It also brought everything back home again. How close it was that Case could have died that day or killed someone else.

With that being said. Life is short, be happy, love each other.
I no longer want to waste it with alcohol.