Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thank you all. I tried Topamax but never Campral. Maybe that will help. I just pretty much thru up my hands and stopped taking anything. I was getting good results with the L-Glutamine, Kudzu and Topamax mix. I just need to do this. I know it logically. But, I have been deliberately hiding my head in the sand. Time to get out of this pit.
So - I'm here. One step at a time.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-26-10

Day 3......
Very unhappy.....
Very emotional......
Very angry..........

Feel shoved into this corner - knowing I need to stop. Tired of being the caretaker. Tired of supporting everyone else and now having my alcohol taken away. I am ready to just run away but no where to go and it doesn't matter because I can't because there are too many people that I take care of.

So - here I sit at work with tears running down my face wondering how I am going to make it thru the day.

[startingover]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora, I remember feeling desperate like you do on day 3.
Mood swings are very much a normal process in getting sober. They do even out sweetie. But yes, its difficult to start.
Can you go for a walk? Sit quietly somewhere for a while? Or even take a day off?

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-19-10

DAY 7!!!!!:yay::wd:
I feel WONDERFUL! I have been away from everything visiting my parents in another state for the past 7 days. Drinking is not an option here and the truth is that I have not missed it or wanted it. I have been so relaxed and I just feel good here. I will be here for one more week. That will give me 15 days AF. I plan to continue this when I get home. I am going to have to look for other ways to deal with my stress once I get back to reality. The reality of working every day.....supporting my husband & son.....dealing with my husbands medical issues. But, I CAN do this. I really needed this break....to detox and just to remember ME! It has been a long time but I can feel me. :yay:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-27-10

Day 15!!
I am heading back home tomorrow morning. I plan on taking my supplements and probably topamax. I was hoping that just the supplements would be enough but I think I might need the Topamax. I am getting anxious about getting back to where the triggers are. I am going to really work towards finding other outlets for my stress. I have many projects that I want to do around home. I have this wonderful site to come to for support. So - I will be back on here tomorrow night. I just need to stay focused and remember 'I don't drink!'.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Nora 15 days! excellent, definitely the hard yards behind you as you know from previous attempts. Yes I understand worrying about the 'triggers' at home but the best thing is that you realise they are there and face up to them. My way of dealing with triggers is to be prepared for each situation and tell myself in advance how to deal with it e.g. '5.p.m. I love a glass of wine I'll have just one(yeah right!)' go upstairs instead wash your face tidy a cupboard anything to pass that moment, the next evening you will associate 5.p.m. less with alcohol and the next one even less until 5 p.m. has nothing in your head to do with alcohol its like a learned experience. Thats my way of dealing with stuff anyway for what its worth:goodluck:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Excellent advise!!! Thank you!!

[Funny Girl]

Nora's journey

Nora - congrats to you! I think with spring just around the corner, you'll find that your timing is perfect this time around. When spring comes we tend to feel like we're off to a fresh start & more optimistic, so hang in - it will just reinforce all the work you've done to date.

[sick of being sick]

Nora's journey

Nora, I've enjoyed talking with you and I am so excited you are 15 AF! When you go back home, please stay in touch with us as much as you possibly can. If you want a drink, please come here first. We will help you through it! I believe in you and know you are going to make it. Even if you fall, it is so important to get right back up and try again. This site is so full of people who really care and who are always there to encourage you! It has truly been a lifeline for me! Best of luck to you!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-28-10

Day 16

Thank you so much FG & SOBS! I am home now. I took some supplements and started back on the Topamax this morning. Just wanted to be safe. I miss my parents already but it is nice to be home and see hubby & son. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.
Thanks so much for being there for me! I want to be there for you all too. We need to do this......a step at a time.
I'm exhausted and think it's going to be an early night tonight.
I'll be checking in again tomorrow!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-1-10

Day 17

Made it thru my first full day back to reality. :H Can't deny that I had some thoughts of drinking but they weren't actual cravings. More like I just wanted to or maybe habit. Who knows. Anyway...I am making it a step at a time.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-2-10

Day 18
Well.....I put in for a refill for my Lorazepam and my Topamax. I asked for a higher strength Topamax. The nurse just called me back and said that the dr will have to look at it and ok it. So, I can see that this is going to be an issue. Oh well....I am not going to stress about it. I am going to take it as it comes. I am doing ok.
I want to get around and catch up with everyone tonight. I have been so tired. Vacation recovery I think. :H
Ok - back to work.........

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-3-10

Day 19

Really had more cravings today. :upset: Didn't like that a bit. I checked online and looked like the dr just put thru the Topamax prescription and the same 50 mg prescription. I went ahead and took 100 mg today. 50 mg in the morning and in the afternoon. Going to work my way up. I am going to have to go in and talk to her again. She just doesn't get it. Her answer to me is to 'Don't drink'. I KNOW THAT. I know that. I wish that I could just do that so easily. Anyway - I had hoped that having the 2 weeks vacation as a starting point that I wouldn't need the meds. After today, I realize that I am going to need them. So, I am going to start taking them faithfully and go from there.
Today is my baby boys 23rd birthday. :h:h Happy Day!!! I am so proud of him. So that is a good thing. I'm glad to be thinking of the positives again in life.
Ok - I am exhausted. Going to head to bed.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-18-10

I really find it amazing to myself that I read all these posts and they hit home so much. They could all have been written by me. So, why do I find myself wavering or even considering drinking. It really doesn't make sense. It can't be cravings can it? I must be past the cravings stage. So why would I even still consider it? Anyway, I realized today that is something that I need to work on. I need to figure that one out.
HippyChick posted something today about 'doing everything for everyone else'. Boy that hit a chord with me. That certainly helped me get to the point I was at. I can't blame it all on that but it certainly played a major part.
I read other peoples life stories/problems and I feel like an idiot for complaining. I have NOTHING to complain about. But, I am going to right now. I realize that I hold too much in. I just hold it in and take care of things and I was finding my release in alcohol. I am changing my ways.
I am looking back at the past 32 years. My Father-In-Law always thought that he was going to strike it rich. And, so of course he told my husband all these big dreams. Dreams are one thing - nice to have but you have to work to get your dreams. He did my husband a disservice by letting him think that he was just going to have things handed to him. Anyway.....I have always been the major breadwinner. No problem. Didn't mind that I made more money than he did.
Hubby quit his shipping job when our son was a baby and got a job at the post office. Walked off the post office job cause it was too stressful. We were in the midst of adopting our baby but I still stood beside my husband and didn't kill him for quitting. :H He ended up getting a good job eventually and that was fine for several years.
About 15 years ago, he started being all stressed out. It was awful. Never knew what condition he would be in. Sometimes wondered if he was going to end up committing suicide. (I had forgotten all about this until I sat here & started typing all of this) This went on for months. Thru it all, I was the supportive wife. Doing everything I could to take care of him and my son and keep everything going the way it should be. Also, sometime during all of this was the carpal tunnel problems and a surgery. Earlier in our marriage had been the knee problems.
About 11 years ago, he had a brain hemorrhage. We spent a couple of months before they finally figured out what was wrong with him. It was an awful period. I really thought he was going to die. It took a long time but he did finally get better. It was very lucky that where it was in the brain did not cause any major damage. After a couple of years, he was finally able to start back to work part time. After about 4 months, he was rear ended when he was stopped at a red light. Now, he is in constant pain. They have tried numerous medications/physical therapies/etc. He has not worked for the past 11 or 12 years. It took years before he was eligible for Social Security. Through all of this, I supported us. I took him to Doctors appointments. I argued with Doctors. I did everything.I love him. He is my husband. But he frustrates me sometimes. He complains about every single ache and pain in great detail. My 83 year old parents don't complain like he does. But, I never have said anything. I think that it's my fault that he is like this. I have let him be like this. The neurologist told us recently (she is a new Dr for us) that we are not trying to get him to be pain free, we are trying to get him to have Quality of Life! Excellent point!
Anyway...I think that I need to start saying things to him when they bother me instead of holding them in so much.
He is up visiting his Dad now. We actually had a fight about that last week. He was scheduled to go. I was getting ready to make the reservation and he decided that he probably shouldn't go. He was just getting back on the meds. (which he had gone off of the last time he had been up there) Probably not a good time to go up there. I told him - this happens every single time you are supposed to go up to your Dads. I am done. You tell me when you are going and I will made the reservation. I am no longer in the middle of this. I am done. This took him by surprise and it was quite a little argument. We never fight (unless it was about my drinking). I just always keep everything bottled up inside. He finally decided to go and asked me to make his reservation.Then again today on the phone when he was complaining about not feeling well because of the medications that he is taking, I said...I don't know what to tell you, if you take the medication that helps your pain, you don't feel well or else you can be in severe pain. I don't know what to tell you. He agreed and said yes that he needs to take the medication and that he never should have stopped taking it.
Anyway - I think I needed to just get this out. I shouldn't have been holding this in for so many years. I love him very much. But he is not perfect and goodness knows that I am not. That is why I am here. I need to learn to express myself instead of looking in the bottom of a bottle.
Ok - time for bed. Enough of this novel.....

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-19-10

I finally got a return call from my Doctor. I had requested to have my dosage increased on the Topamax. She has only given me 50 mg/day. I have slowly increased it in the past several weeks to 150 mg/day. But, I knew that I would run out of pills in a couple of weeks if she didn't increase the dosage. I was getting quite concerned. When I first approached her about the prescription a couple years ago, she didn't seem to think it would even work. So, I didn't think she would prescribe me a higher dosage. I am happy to say that I was wrong.
She did ask how I was doing....was I still drinking. I was able to honestly say that I hadn't had a drink in over a month. First time I have been able to say that in a VERY LONG time. I said that I have been doing very well. Feeling well. Using the Topamax and L-Glutamine (forgot to mention Kudzu). So she asked why I felt it necessary to increase to the 200 mg. Was I having cravings? I said that it wasn't exactly cravings.....but that I didn't feel really steady yet. That I felt like I needed to move up a little more to be more stable. Anyway, I am very happy.
I was also just scanning back thru some of my posts here. I was not in very good shape. I do not want to go back there. I want to keep moving forward.
Ok - time for bed. Got to get up & go to work in the morning. But, this is good news.