Nora's journey

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora, you didn't do this to him. You didn't set the example against it, but he is old enough to make choices. I have lived with all this guilt too, and my children are older. I used to joke about the saying 'If I can't be a good example, at least I'll be a horrible warning.' In our situation, not really funny, huh? My children have reached their mid 30's OK, but now I worry about my grands! It never ends, and we feel guilt, but we STILL have to remember we have to think of ourselves first, or we have NO credibility!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-23-10

So, I had another .... Wow! moment today.
I went to the Doctor today. Sinus infection. Got a prescription for antibiotics and some type of steroid to try to reduce the swelling in my nasal passages.
Anyway, I was on the way to pick up my prescription. Passing my normal places to buy booze. I realized as I was driving that I had no inclination to stop & buy any. It was an amazing realization. In the past, I would have been having a huge debate in my head. Drink tonight, start the antibiotic tomorrow. I would have been tearing myself up inside going back & forth trying to justify drinking.
It seems like such a minor thing. But, it was huge to me. I went to the pharmacy like a normal person and picked up my medication. I came home and took my medication. Wow! Today was a step in the right direction.

[sick of being sick]

Nora's journey

Congratulations, Nora! You are doing so great! I hope you feel better from your sinus infection. Love ya, Vicki

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-24-10

I keep having these moments....thoughts......flashbacks. Strange I guess. I don't know. Maybe years of regret or guilt coming to the surface. It is just weird because some of them are such minor ones but they stand out so big in my mind.
Yesterday my friend/neighbor called me and asked me if i could watch her son for about an hour tonight. Sure no problem. She calls & chats for awhile and then asks and then chats for awhile. Anyway, about a year ago. I'm at home. Answer the door and there she is at the door with her son (8 years old). I'm like - hi, how are you. They start to come in. She says something and I totally had no idea that she had called and asked me to watch him. Totally no recollection at all. None - whatsoever. NONE! I felt like an idiot. She's like are you sure it's ok. I'm of course it's ok. So, she's worried and I'm apologizing. So, I watched him and everything was fine. Later to my husband I blamed it on her talking so fast & just interjecting the can you babysit in the middle of her talking so fast. But, come on......how could I have forgotten an entire telephone conversation. :upset::upset:
As I sat down to write this to sort it out in my mind.....I started remembering all these little instances. All these times where little things happened. I just played them off. Covered them up. They began to be more & more. I could fill up pages with things. Embarrassing things or just things that I regret.
I don't want to be that person anymore. I really do not want to be that person anymore.
Enough..........

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-26-10

So, I have just felt the need to ramble to myself today. I don't know why. There is nothing wrong..I don't want to drink. The topamax is pretty much taking care of the cravings. I actually had been thinking the last couple of days about when I could stop taking the topamax. But, I realized today that it is too soon. I wish that my Doctor had experience in using this drug for the treatment of alcohol addiction. She is trying to work with me. But, I wish I knew how long I was supposed to stay on it.
I just have felt so restless all evening. Hubby is coming home tomorrow. That is good. But, maybe it's making me feel a little stress?? I don't know why though. I love him. I think the bottom line is that I am having a very hard time letting my feelings out. Letting any of my resentment out. I think I just hit the nail on the head right there. I am so ashamed that I complain about him. I am so lucky that I am married to such a loving man. He loves me and I love him. We have been blessed with an extended family fully of love. Our wonderful son, our parents, our nieces & nephews. How dare I complain because he has medical problems and I get tired of being the caretaker. There are people with real problems. So, I get mad at myself for complaining but I am trying to learn that I can't hold it in. Holding everything in helped get me to the point of treating it with alcohol.
I don't know why I just feel this need to ramble tonight. My mind has been going back & forth all day. I have been thinking about 'The Plan' that everyone talks about. How funny that when I started reading some of the posts tonight that other people had started talking about 'The Plan' too. I need to try to put one together I guess. So far my plan has been more of getting thru second by second. That was a big enough plan for me. Maybe it is time to try to plan for a minute.
I need to more thought into it but my basic plan is:
Drink a lot of water every day
Start Exercising - just move
Let myself post in this journal without the guilt
Be Happy

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

That's why you have us....so you can be honest and NOT feel guilty...you are a wonderful caregiver and everything I have ever read about this task is that it is exhausting and thankless...I know you have a loving marriage and you are blessed...I would do the same thing for my husband, but it's ok to complain and have resentment and just look at all the positive things you have accomplished for YOURSELF lately...
I admire you and am not sure I could do what you do.......

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-31-10

Time for more rambling I guess.......
Still learning my way around being sober. Who would have know that this would be so hard. Wow! I guess I don't really know myself anymore. How strange is that. I have kept myself shoved deep down inside for so long....hidden by the alcohol. I am trying to learn who I am. It is sort of scary actually.
I was having problems when I started taking the 200 mg of the Topamax. I just didn't feel right and I was having numbness and tingling in my fingers and toes. Hubby came home and things just got back to normal. A couple nights ago, I was sitting here in bed typing on my laptop and I was really not doing well. Just feeling the tingling bad and generally feeling yucky everywhere. He started mentioning about his medication and how it made him feel. I turned to him and said that he didn't need to tell me every time that he takes a pill and how it makes him feel. And that he takes his pill and that he's going to be sick for 2 hours. And then he's going to take his next pill and that will make him feel a certain way for the next 2 hours. I said that I'm going thru things too. I said for 14 years (since his brain hemorrhage) I have been hearing every time you take your medication and how it makes you feel. You don't need to tell me every single time. He just sort of made a joke about it and blew it off. But, I knew that I hurt his feelings. Oh my gosh! I felt AWFUL later. It's like I have kept all this bottled up for so long. We finally talked about it. We went out to dinner tonight and I told him. I said I am not drinking - I am trying to learn how to let my feelings out instead of bottling everything in. I explained that I just didn't express it in the right way. He understood that I didn't feel well and all of that. I guess after 32 years, it's ok to be a total bitch sometimes. I just feel guilty. I just normally bite my tongue and don't say anything.
Anyway, I am going to have to find some type of middle ground here. At least we are trying to do things. Things have been so I don't know. Hard I guess. Hard to plan anything because of never knowing how he is going to be feeling. We just sort of got into a rut of nothing. Then he started wanting to try to do things and by then I had got established into my drinking routine. Didn't want to interrupt my drinking. So, now we are trying. Dinner was nice tonight.
I am still working on my 'Plan'. Haven't got my exercise routine in yet. I think that will help a lot. Maybe that would have helped me from snapping. Baby steps. I can't expect it all to be better over night. Poor hubby is being very supportive.....maybe I better go get him an army helmet.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora
RJ said in her book that she was a total bitch for several weeks....I think this is to be expected.
You are going through a MAJOR change in your life and it will take a long time to adjust.
By the way,I talked to Debbie at River Pharmacy about Topa yesterday and she was amazing. She told me to hang in there for a few more weeks....I actually started crying at work yesterday b/c i felt like I had alzheimers....it was really scary.......
I am here for you friend

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Mama - thanks cause I really was a TOTAL bitch. I mean TOTAL. It was like every bit of of emotion that I held in all came out at once. I didn't even yell, I just said it so straight & matter of fact. That was that strange part.

Anyway - so what did Debbie tell you? Did she offer any suggestions? My friend just started taking it for migraines. She is only taking 25 mg. She moved up to 50. She had to back to 25. She had exactly your side effects. Thinking of you Mama. I know how frustrated you are. And what an awful feeling that is. :l:l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

she said to hang in there a few more and it should get better.....i hope!!!!
You can order Modafinil off River Pharmacy for $72 for 30 tablets to help offset topa dopa and I may do that if this persists.....
but she was so sweet and supportive and is an alcoholic too and is passionate about helping women acheive sobriety I recommend anyone calling her....
I noticeed I am Uber Bitch when I have too much caffiene....something to think about....
plus I just think we should be allowed every now and then!!!!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-4-10

I am still triggered to think ALCOHOL when my buttons are pushed by the stress of dealing with my husband. I am getting better because I am sitting here crying and posting. And I realized that it was trigger. I don't need the alcohol. I am dealing with the pain and taking it for what it was. But, oh when is that going to stop. I think I am getting better but BAM - I feel like I'm back to square one.
He is in a lot of pain the last couple of days. My brother is down here and will be staying with us until he leaves next Sunday to go to Italy to visit my niece. My brother didn't bother to tell us he was going to be staying with us. We knew he was coming down here but had no idea that he was staying here the whole time. My brother is very abrasive anyway. And he & hubby have gotten into a few times. (Brother & I have gotten into a few times) So, tension is running high anyway. So, I just had to listen to hubby going on & on about my brother. I'm asking him to just bite his tongue until Sunday. I have put up with all of his relatives/friends for 32 years. I think he can put up with my brother. Anyway, then he brought up this event we were supposed to go to next weekend. (Monsterpalooza) He had decided that he didn't want to go and said we needed to tell sonny because he had requested the weekend off. I said ok. Then hubby brought it up again and mentioned the only part he really wanted to see was something on Sunday. I said well we could go on Sunday afternoon. So, he got upset and his voice got all tense. He made his decision.....he doesn't want to go. Please stop talking about it. I wasn't the one that brought it up. But, ok....I'll stop talking about it.
He is using the excuse of my brother to be angry but the truth is that it is just an excuse. He is just in pain and the meds make him sick and this is the way he reacts.
I need to learn to separate myself from that. I used to run to the bottle to hide. That was my immediate gut reaction today. That does no good. I hope that someday that will not be my first thought.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Oh Nora my friend...I wish I could swoop in there and take you away for apedicure and a nice lunch and we could laugh and people watch and make snide comments and be silly.....hang in there baby.....escape to a hot bubble bath and agood book or go somewhere and have a good primal scream.......

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-28-10

As I was just taking a shower.......furious at myself because I have already failed at the 30 day challenge....I decided that I had better start writing in my journal again. I have issues. Who would have thunk? :H
So, I need to do something for me. I hold things inside and then I drink. That does no good at all. I can't seem to talk about them. I don't know why. But, I can seem to come to this place and write. So, that is what I am going to do. I must do something for me. I have to.
I went over to the 30 day pool party and so badly wanted to jump back in but didn't know if I was allowed to. Isn't that sad. Once again I have ruined something because of my drinking. I want to stop the madness so why don't I? It doesn't make sense. The sad part about all of this is that I didn't really want to drink last night. I could very easily have done without. But, I went ahead and drank.
Oh well......I have to go to work now. But, I wanted to get started on this so I couldn't back out later. I am going to write in here. This is what I need and I am going to do it. Whatever works.......

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...jump back in the pool....do you really think we care???? and write, write , write.....
can you go see a therapist? I did years ago and it helped me deal with some issues....
I am here for you my friend

[Miss October]

Nora's journey

Oh Nora, I agree with Mama Bear, just jump right back in that pool. You can still do 30 days. We are not all on the same day anyway.

Do you know how many times I have failed a 30 day challenge ? Every freaking time !! But I am not giving up. I refuse to !! I am so sick of this cycle of insanity.

Just stick your feet in the pool tonight. Just for tonight. Let's not even think about tomorrow yet, OK ? Lots of hugs :l