Nora's journey

[fennel]

Nora's journey

Nora, I think Scott and Mrs.Fennel are twin siblings from a different mother! :H

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

fennel;1049901 wrote: Nora, I think Scott and Mrs.Fennel are twin siblings from a different mother! :H

You mean there's another 'Psychosamatic'? A friend told me that I should tell him that my uterus hurts. :H:H

[fennel]

Nora's journey

That's hysterical! I was thinking I'd better not mention my endometriosis when I meet you guys! :H

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-31-11

Just wanted to jot down a few thoughts. Nothing major to say but trying to keep a journal of my feelings. Well - duh! This is called Nora's journey - of course I'm keeping a journal. :H:H
Today was a good day. I had a bad couple of days. Therapy was little more intense the last couple of visits and brought up some old memories. It's not easy but I guess it is necessary so I can finally get past some issues. I thought that they were buried deep but I am beginning to realize that they weren't buried. They were just soaked in alcohol.
Scott & I had some words yesterday so I was quite grumpy. I don't think he's quite used to me actually speaking up or showing my irritation/anger. I'm still not feeling well so that probably added to why everything he did made me mad.
I went to my Women's AA meeting tonight. I am glad that I went. I do like this meeting. It is helpful to hear their thoughts & opinions on the different topics that are discussed. Tonight they celebrated 'birthdays'. One woman had one year AF. Another had 3 years. Another had 10 years and then another had 14 years. Amazing. Some of the women were talking about all the meetings they attend during the week. 5 or 6 meetings. I am happy with the 1 or 2 meetings that I attend. I do not want to go every night of the week. I am also trying to reconnect with my family. Going out every night to attend a meeting is not going to help on that front. I do have to say that I would hope that after being sober for a year or 2 or 14...that it wouldn't be necessary to go to so many meetings. I can understand if there is a meeting that you enjoy and get something out of that you would want to continue going to that meeting. But, I would hope that I'm learning tools to help me cope on my own. I guess that is not the AA way though. Oh well - I will take from it what is helpful to me and leave the rest. Is that one of their sayings? :H People talk about a sponsor and doing the steps and everything. I'm not ready for that. Right now, it is just enough to go to the meetings & listen. But, I'm glad I went.
Casey has invited me to go to a Speaker meeting with him Feb 10. Someone from his regular meeting is going to be speaking. Plus, he said that I can meet some of the other people from his meeting. I'm glad that he invited me. Yesterday, we talked about his drinking and the fact that most of his friends drink. It does make it hard but he seems to realize that is the way it is. He is ready to put last year behind him and look towards the future of 2011.
I'm exited to go visit my parents in March. Oh - I miss them. It is going to be wonderful. I still have to make my reservations. Two weeks of rest and relaxation.....spending it with my wonderful parents.

[Grateful]

Nora's journey

Nora...it is so good to hear you feeling better..even though this life has its challenges, you are still fighting the fight and not giving up. How wonderful that Casey invited you to a meeting with him and that he is sharing his feelings with you. I'm like you in that I would not want to go to meetings every night or even more than once a week. Everyone is different and I can tell that you are getting a lot from the meetings you do go to. How exciting that you have your trip to visit your parents to look forward to...where do they live? February is a short month and will fly by...then you will be on your "retreat". Have a good day, dear friend.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-1-11

30 days again. I want to keep it going. I was about 60 days last time when I decided to drink. It wasn't a slip. It was a conscious decision. I am using these new tools - AA, Antabuse & Campral, opening up more in therapy - to really try to change my thinking and keep going with this.

I still am not ready to say never again. But, now when I think about drinking, I don't really see a need. I was just having cravings a couple of days ago. Not cravings - urges......and the urges were because I was upset. So, I'm dealing with those issues and am trying to stay strong.

DoggyGirl made a post today and I am copying a piece of it here.

It was "fuck it" that I figured I had been AF for 60 days, and could just go right back to AFness whenever I darn well pleased.

WELL DUH!!! If it was easy for me to stop drinking, I would have stopped a long time ago. Why on earth would I think it would be "easy to stop again" (aka, I'm fixed!) when for YEARS AND YEARS I would promise myself "I will not drink today" in the morning, and by 5PM or earlier I was drinking? Every single time?

That has definitely been my thinking. I'm hoping that I will come back here and read that line before I make the decision to drink again.

Well - time for bed. I just want to thank all of my friends here for all of your unwavering support. It means more to me than you will ever know. :l:h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-17-11

I haven?t been keeping up my journey here and I really think I should. Life is just going on. That?s a good thing. I have been sort of blah but isn?t that part of a normal life. Ups and downs? I think it is?..can?t always be up or you wouldn?t enjoy it so much when you are.
Things are going well. Haven?t been drinking. Still taking the Antabuse along with the Campral. I plan to continue both at least until I talk to the Psychiatrist on April 1. I think he will suggest stopping the antabuse but I will have to see how I?m feeling then.
It has been nice not being smashed all the time. What a lot of time was wasted. I?m still finding my way. Learning how to cope with emotions/stress without wanting to numb myself. I?m still seeing my Therapist and working on things. I think that I?ve started actually getting down to the core of all of this. And honestly, it?s not always fun. But, I finally decided that I should bring some of this up with her and I?m glad I did. I think I need to learn to forgive myself for some things that happened 25 or 30 years ago. I?m not good at forgiving myself for some reason. So, I?m learning.
I?m also trying to get out & do things. I have not attended AA for the past 2 weeks and I am going to start doing that again. I would like to do the one or two meetings a week. I do know that I?m not ready to start working the steps or having a sponsor. I am not ready for the commitment. But, I am glad for the fellowship that is there. So, that is one step at a time.
Also, I have looked into a crocheting/knitting class. This session already started so I will try again in April. That sounds like a fun thing that I can do for myself. I?m pretty shy about going out somewhere by myself but I am going to try. We shall see.
I have an appointment schedule with my Doctor. Going to ask for blood work and try to get to the bottom of this exhaustion that I have been feeling. I understand that my body is getting used to not having alcohol but I do think there is more to it than that.
Things are going well for Casey. He seems so much happier and focused. That just makes my heart happy. We are still having time together as a family when we can. We talk together. We enjoy each other. Scott still has his medical issues and is going to have an appointment with the neurologist and an orthopedic doctor. That is just a fact of life though. Things could be so much worse. He has a very good life but he has pain. That is the way it is going to be.
Still stressing over money but who doesn?t? So many unexpected expenses keep cropping up. Yesterday Casey was driving and his tire shredded on the freeway. But, he was able to get off the freeway safely. That is what is important. And now his car has a brand new set of tires.
Life is good and I am blessed with so many things. I am learning that taking care of myself doesn?t mean that I am a failure.

[Doggygirl]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora! Just wanted to say that I like the way your sound in your post. Gratitude for what is good in life, and working to develop and grow and deal with the past, etc. For me anyway, just "not drinking" was not enough to make me a whole person. But's it's been worth the effort and I hope to continue learning and growing on this journey.

You mentioned forgiving yourself for something of many years ago. I too had a bit of baggage from long ago that I carried with me. I didn't realize how much it weighed me down. I know you do not feel ready for steps yet and I completely understand and respect that. I just wanted to share that it was through the process of Steps 4 and 5 that I was finally able to forgive myself, and feel forgiven for those things that were my darkest secrets. Just wanted you to know that there is so much hope - regardless of what those secrets are.

Hope you are having a good AF day.

DG

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks DG. Yes I have realized that it's not just 'not drinking'. There are many other things that I need to address. Very interesting what you wrote about steps 4 and 5. Thank you for that. Definitely something to think about.

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Nora, I'm so happy to see that you're journaling again. It's a really important part of getting well, and knowing that there are others who listen and care and are more than happy to encourage, advise, support and simply love you without judging is healing, also.
Forgiving myself for past wrongs, usually brought about through drinking, has been one of the hardest things I've had to do. What has helped more than anything is the understanding that the things that I've done aren't me, that they don't need to define who I am, and that I've suffered enough over them and don't have to let them cloud my future.
The past is gone, the future hasn't happened yet, so all we have is the present. It's a conscious choice forgiving oneself. I'm still ashamed of things I've done, I still have grief over so many things, but I'm not going to let it rule my every waking moment as I did for so many years. Instead, I'm working hard at creating a new 'story' about myself. I plan to look back at what I'm doing now in years to come and see how I've built a happier, stronger and (hopefully) admirable life story I can be proud of rather than look back with shame and despair, or with regret that I let past guilt rob me of my joy for even one more day than I had to.
It's not easy, but I liken it to learning a musical instrument. I can't just pick up a flute and play the tune I want to, but if I practise every day, in time I'll be able to play it. It's like that with happiness. There's no point in saying "I'll be happy when..." We have to learn to be happy now, in the moment. When I'm sad now, I try to think of something for which I'm grateful or that makes me happy. Even if it's something simple.
Sorry, Nora...I'm banging on a bit here, but these are just some of the observations I've made in my own journey and I wanted to share them.
It sounds like you're really doing some serious emotional growing here, girl. Great job! When you look back in a few months, you'll see for yourself just how far you've come.
I love you. :h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-9-11


Up in Oregon visiting my parents. I have been looking forward to this trip for so long. My time away from everything ? just rest and relaxation. Enjoying every moment with my parents. I come up here by myself and spend two weeks with them. But, I am surprised by the health of my Mom. Very worried. She has lost another 5 pounds. She hasn?t been eating well for the past year and has lost over 20 pounds. They have run a lot of tests and thankfully everything came back ok. The Doctors say that her weight is still ok for her height and age but that she shouldn?t have lost so much and definitely shouldn?t lose anymore. But, for the past 3 days has hardly eaten anything at all. Certainly isn?t drinking enough to keep her from being dehydrated. She slept a lot yesterday and then took a long nap today. She just can?t seem to force herself to eat. I am pushing to take her to the doctor tomorrow but she is putting up a fuss. I am very concerned that she is going to be dehydrated. Her short term memory has been noticeably worse for the past few days also. I asked Dad about it and he said that she is worse these past few days. My Dad is very worried and just doesn?t know what to do. He was fussing at her about forcing herself to eat and he is following her around with a glass of water trying to make her drink something. I just don?t know. It just breaks my heart to live so far away from them. I love them so much. My brother moved up here a few years ago and lives here in town. But, I still wish that I could be here.
Scott had to leave home today and go up to Northern California to be with his Dad. His Dad was put in the hospital on Monday. He has the staph blood bacterial infection again. Plus, he has congestive heart failure. His numbers have come down somewhat from yesterday so that is a good sign. But, they expect him to be in the hospital for weeks. I don?t know if they will keep him in the hospital or move him to a care facility. He is living alone since my mother in law died and I just don?t know how long he?s going to be able to do that.
It is so very hard to see our parents getting older and not well. I know that it is a part of life. But, I am not ready for this.
Well?.still AF. Lost track of days but it?s over 60 now. I try not to focus on that too much. It?s just one day at a time. I keep reading about people that try to moderate after a good period of time. And they are unsuccessful. The stupid thing is that I imagine I?ll end up trying it. Certainly not any time soon. I am not going to stop taking my antabuse. That will make sure that I don?t. I just make sure that I have something in my system. Just half a pill every few days and that?s all I need. I don?t even keep track of the day I take my pill. I just throw a couple of the pills in my pill container every week when I fill it up with my other meds. I will just continue doing that. Maybe by doing that, it will finally sink in that I should stay AF. Not even worried about it now. That is far in the future.
There is so much going on now. Casey?s court date is April 6. I wonder what will happen then. I am trying very hard not to worry about that. What will happen will happen. Nothing we can do about it except deal with it then. Casey has been doing very well. He got his 90 day chip at AA. I?m very proud of him for the way that he has dealt with all of this. He is making sure to go to his AA meeting every week. He has his DUI class every Saturday for 9 months. He is working hard on his classes. He is working out every day. He has gone out with friends a few times and did not drink.
Well?.I?m just rambling. I just needed to get this all off my chest. I should probably find some other way to journal instead of wasting space on this site. But, this is where I come to let it all out.


Life is simple, it's just not easy. ~Author Unknown

[Meech]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora,

I haven't been on your journey thread in a while and have only read a bit just now. I must say you sound sooooo different in you posts. Stronger, more positive and hopeful. :goodjob:

I just got home from work and now will lay my sober head on the pillow. Will try to catch up on your thread more tomorrow.

I am very happy for you and proud of you. It sounds like you are moving in a great direction! :l

Meech

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-24-11

Well ?guess I?m going to start journaling again. Talked to my therapist yesterday and she strongly encouraged me to go back to journaling. We talked about different options so that I don?t have to waste the space on MWO with my journal. But, for right now, I?m going to go back to where I am comfortable and feel safe.

I was AF for 2 months at the end of last year. Then I drank during December. I then went AF for over 90 days and then I made a conscious decision and have been on a 2-3 week binge. Certainly, not a conscious decision to binge?.just a conscious decision to drink. My binges are still functioning in my daily life, but going home after work and drinking?.A LOT. I know that is not what I want. I am planning on starting antabuse tomorrow to help me get back on track. I wish that I had started it yesterday like I had planned??.but I guess that I wasn?t done. I really, really hope that I have the courage to swallow that pill tomorrow. It?s too late today. Decided to drink instead of swallowing the pill.

After discussing all of this with my therapist, we talked about how I am going to have to reach out & let people in. I had gone to an AA meeting the week before and shared how I was having a hard time. People reached out to me??but, I didn?t let them in. Same here ? I know that I have friends that I can call??but I didn?t. I did not slip ? I walked into this with my eyes wide open. She talked to me about how I am going to have to recognize all of this because it will happen again. I need to let others reach me and I need to reach out to them.

Anyway, this is not a pity party. This is just a statement of fact. There are certain things going on but just life. Parents that are ill ? Casey having his court date for the DUI. Just life. I am in the midst of switching my anti-depressant. Stupid time to go on a binge. LOL That has been really hard. I am really struggling with adjusting to coming off one med and starting another one. But, drinking is not helping anything.

Anyway, just wanted to finally post. I know that I have friends here. I am sorry that I have been missing. But, I think that I am going to be getting my act together. I PLAN on getting my act together.

[Stargazerlily]

Nora's journey

Nora,
Just read your latest post and want to encourage you to take good care of yourself and do what is best for you. You have had several months AF and know how wonderful it is. I too have done the same thing you have in the past, been AF for months, then decide to drink again, with disasterous results.

You can do this, be AF, take the antabuse if you choose, reach out to others, and start to feel that each day is a blessing. That is what being AF gives to you, your life lived with integrity, honesty, and good health. Sending you strength and hope.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thank you Star. You are right. Time to get back to what works. Thank you for your words of wisdom. :h