Nora's journey

[stirly-girly]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1318258 wrote: I have to say again. THANK YOU all for the wonderful discussion today. I feel better (mentally) than I have for days or weeks. Seriously, it helped me put things back into the perspective that I had before. I am certainly not at a point where I'm saying never again. But, those thoughts that have been circling my brain for days on end have calmed down. It just feels good to think that I don't want to drink. And, I'm not thinking about anybody else. Just thinking about me. It's like a weight has been lifted.

And - I just swallowed my antabuse. Because I wanted to. Not for anyone else. Great feeling.


NoraC;1318659 wrote: I really appreciate all the support everyone. Last night I sat down with Scott and told him that I needed to talk to him. I told him that I had been talking to my group. I explained that this had to come from me. That I needed to stop worrying about pleasing him and concentrate on doing this because I wanted it. Not because I was worried about upsetting him. I told him what they had told Molly's husband at rehab. He just sat and listened to me. Then at the very end, I told him that I had taken my antabuse a couple hours before. He was so pleased he almost started crying. Anyway, I talked to him again today and asked him if he understood what I was talking about. That this is my journey, that it is my decision. He said that he understood. We shall see.

K9 - Sorry that you had hard thoughts last night. Boy, do I understand. :l

Mama - good luck this weekend. Stay strong. :l

Nora, I don't know that I have ever posted on your thread although I do read it from time to time. I noticed the great advice given to you by the others the past couple of days, and especially by Molly and K9. I'm not demeaning the posts made by others, by any mean, it's just that something from the posts made by these two fine ladies, especially by Molly, has "clicked" with you and has allowed you to see things from a new angle. I just wanted to say that you are taking positive steps by talking to your husband and letting him know how you feel. As the others said, you have to do this for you and it looks like you are now in the driver's seat. As the title of this thead says, this is your journey and yours alone. It is lovely to see you are moving in a new, positive direction, Nora. Wishing you the very best of luck.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks. The thoughts haven't left my head but with all the great advice, I was able to turn it back to my NEEDS & WANTS. Major shift in attitude.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-19-12

Yes - I agree that everybody is amazing here. Molly's posts really helped me.

I still am thinking of alcohol. But, it's not major cravings. I am also thinking that it's nice not to drink. So, I am concentrating on the good instead of feeling 'left out'. Been able to work on the computer, read, relax. All the stuff that I can't do if I'm drinking. So, I just keep reminding myself of that.

Not much going on & I guess that's a good thing.........

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1319439 wrote:

I still am thinking of alcohol. But, it's not major cravings. I am also thinking that it's nice not to drink. So, I am concentrating on the good instead of feeling 'left out'. Been able to work on the computer, read, relax. All the stuff that I can't do if I'm drinking. So, I just keep reminding myself of that.

Not much going on & I guess that's a good thing.........

Mornin Nora:l Me again I'm afraid Just saw your post and wanted to share a 'shift' I had yesterday. Joe is going to have a few pints with his mates on Tuesday - used to be a regular event with him but he hasn't had a drink since Jan. Now in the past I'd have been envying him a bit, 'poor meeing' myself, 'why me' --- all that old shite. This time I actually realised I was genuinely feeling sorry for him for how he'll feel on Wednesdaymg - now not a huge event in the scheme of things --- but a really major shift in my thinking!! I was also reading a new thread by Caper about BAM - how a craving can hit and then POOF it's gone, and how as time goes on the POOF comes quicker after the BAM's so to speak --- and it's soooo true! The thoughts don't go away --- but they diminish in strength and frequency and power - I thought she put it brilliantly.
I love this idea of a 'diary' sort of thread - I do find when I put a thought in words - it just becomes so less powerful. Take care Nora --- and yep - nought going on can be very very good:H As well as the physical mental and moral advantages to not drinking - I absolutely LOVE the 'calm':l
Molly

[dixon]

Nora's journey

NoraC,

Do you remember your post that I copied and paste here on my journey !

I need to give myself permission to feel the sadness without covering it up with alcohol.

My Plan for Dealing with Sadness/Depression without Turning to Alcohol
? Allow myself to cry
? Tell someone how I feel (my husband/my friend) don't hold it in
? Remember that things will get better
? Learn to hang in there - the alcohol will only make it worse
I am reading your journey and now on just page 18 ...
I used to forget to do something routine job when I start reading out your journey.I don't know how are you doing now but hope you have already achieved your goal ??
Dixon

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-20-12

Thank you for posting!

That is a great shift in thinking Molly. Really great.

Dixon - thanks for reminding me of what I said. Needed it today, actually.

I've been having a sort of strange day. Scott is in an odd mood. I have asked him if he wasn't feeling well. (He usually is not feeling well or in pain, so I thought that was what was wrong) He said he was fine. I asked him if he was depressed. He said no.
So, we went out & bought a couch and went out to eat. He just wasn't himself. I could feel myself getting all tense inside like I do. Just turning inward. Hard to describe but the fact that there was something wrong - I couldn't fix it - so, curling up inside. My normal reaction would be to drink. That is how I always handled it. That was my protective layer.
Well, of course, I didn't drink. Finally, he told me that he just didn't feel right today. That he wasn't himself. So, instead of hiding in a bottle, I just stopped trying to fix him/it. And, it worked out.

I have to learn that I can't make everything better. I am responsible for me. I can not make everyone & everything ok. I can be there & help. Be supportive. But, I can't take it all on myself and blame myself. I have spent my lifetime feeling responsible for everything. I am learning to let go of that. Still learning but this was a big step today.

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora friend, what a difference you make!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Oh Rubes - You are such a sweet & dear friend.

Molly - I have tried keeping a journal outside of here. But, for some reason this is where I come to let it out. I have always held things in so much, this has developed into my safe place. It really helps when I can put it down here. Plus, the HUGE benefit is that I can get some knowledge/support from all of the wonderful people here on this forum. :h

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1319918 wrote: Thank you for posting!

That is a great shift in thinking Molly. Really great.

Dixon - thanks for reminding me of what I said. Needed it today, actually.

I've been having a sort of strange day. Scott is in an odd mood. I have asked him if he wasn't feeling well. (He usually is not feeling well or in pain, so I thought that was what was wrong) He said he was fine. I asked him if he was depressed. He said no.
So, we went out & bought a couch and went out to eat. He just wasn't himself. I could feel myself getting all tense inside like I do. Just turning inward. Hard to describe but the fact that there was something wrong - I couldn't fix it - so, curling up inside. My normal reaction would be to drink. That is how I always handled it. That was my protective layer.
Well, of course, I didn't drink. Finally, he told me that he just didn't feel right today. That he wasn't himself. So, instead of hiding in a bottle, I just stopped trying to fix him/it. And, it worked out.

I have to learn that I can't make everything better. I am responsible for me. I can not make everyone & everything ok. I can be there & help. Be supportive. But, I can't take it all on myself and blame myself. I have spent my lifetime feeling responsible for everything. I am learning to let go of that. Still learning but this was a big step today.

Oh Nora - I know EXACTLY what you mean. It bother's me how reliant I am on Joe's mood - I'm getting a bit better - Oney is the one that I turn to about all that, cos she used to be exactly the same, but she's much better at it now. With one raised eyebrow Joe can plummet me into a worried anxious state - and THAT is ridiculous. Like you tho - he was moody a week or so ago and I could see where it could be heading - in the past he has sometimes gone a week or two without speaking to me - and the kids actually - just cos I'd keep asking 'what's wrong, what have I done' sort of thing. I left him alone - and he did mutter to me 'it's nothing to do with you, I'm just in a bad mood' --- and OMG - it was deffo a eureka moment in our relationship - I felt great - it wasn't ME. But I shouldn't have felt like that in the first place - so I really really need to work on that. And like you it would have definitely been a trigger to drink in the past.
I do think when we're drinking tho, well in my case anyway - we take the blame for all sorts of shite - cos even if we haven't been out and out pissed, our mind's are altered by booze, so we can't categorically say that we haven't 'done' something wrong -- without the booze, it's lovely to just KNOW - this is not me - this is him ---------- and sod him:H
Molly:l:l:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-21-12

Wow - I can't believe that you go thru the same thing!!! Wow!
Today, everything was fine again. But, you are so right about plummeting into a worried, anxious state. That is EXACTLY how it feels at times. But, I think I'm finally getting it. It doesn't have to be about me. I don't have to fix it.

I'm feeling so much better after the rough time last week. Much more calm & relaxed.

Looking forward to my niece arriving tomorrow. She is flying in for Casey's graduation. So happy & proud of my son. Things are good.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

I am happy for you Noras

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora, all I can say (REALLY!) right now is I LOVE YOU!!!

[fennel]

Nora's journey

Nora, sometimes J gets in a cranky mood...it used to affect me adversely, wondering if she's upset with me, etc. Now when she gets that way, I ask "Why are you cranky at me?" Most of the time, it's not me at all. It's work, her dad's poor health, etc. In fact, she usually wards things off without me even asking these days...:h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-22-12

Thank you friends. You are such a wonderful support to me. :h

It's amazing to me how many of us feel the same about our spouses. We take on the moods. Feeling like things are our fault. I wonder why we do that.

Today my niece flew in for Casey's graduation. Casey was supposed to pick her up. I hadn't heard from him since yesterday. I tried calling him several times. No answer. Tried texting - no answer. Went online to check his activity on his cell phone. No activity. I began to get a sick feeling in my stomach. Began to think back on all the times that he hadn't called. When he had been out drinking and things had happened. Kept trying to reach him but no luck. But, I gave myself a talking to. He has grown up so much in the past year. Has been so responsible. I needed to just calm down & wait. Kris was due in at 11:45. Finally at 11:45, I got a call from Casey. He had overslept!!! (I was so relieved) He just couldn't believe it. He had set 3 alarms and slept thru them. But, he got to the airport and got Kris and she only had to wait for a half hour. Her plane had landed a half hour early.
I need to remember that my son is a grown man. That he has matured. That I can trust him. That I need to let go.

Kris & I went to get manicures/pedicures and waxed tonight. :H Had a good time talking. After we left, I headed over to the liquor store to buy a bag of ice. She asked me if we were on the wagon. She is aware that I am cutting back on my drinking. I said that I'm not drinking right now and asked why. She said that she had thought about getting beer but that it didn't matter. I told her to go ahead & get it. That it didn't bother me. So, she bought a 6 pack of beer. I put it in the fridge when we got home. Asked her if she wanted one and she said not right now. I really didn't have many urges to have a drink. Like a thought that just flickered thru my mind and was gone. Really didn't care to drink. Wonderful feeling. So, I think that the Naltrexone is helping. (Kris obviously doesn't have my problem because she hadn't even opened a beer when I came in to go to bed. When I'm in the mood, I would have already guzzled down a few)

Anyway, some lessons learned today.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-1-12

Well - after that last positive post, everything went to shit. I drank for 4 or 5 days. Stopped the Naltrexone. Just pretty much walked into that hole with my eyes wide open.
I took an Antabuse on Wed and I've been taking Naltexone again. Trying to pull myself out of the hole. But, I couldn't even bring myself to take Antabuse every day.
I am just really not happy with Scott now. I'm tired of his moodiness. And then him thinking that since he's over it, I should be over it. I'm tired of his outbursts. I am really not happy. He behaved very badly at Casey's graduation lunch. He couldn't stand the crowd and instead of quietly excusing himself, he made it very obvious that he wasn't happy & didn't want to be there. I think I'm just bitter about it. All I wanted was for a perfect day for our son. I guess that was too much to ask.
He always tells me that I can talk to him, that he'll listen. Well, this morning I said that I still want to drink another time before the kids get here. Thought I would share with him that I'm still struggling. Well, even that got turned around to him. That he was irritated & upset today because he loves me & can't stand to see me hurt myself. That's all well & good - but where is the listening to me talk and letting me try to get it out. I told him that I'm not drinking. But, he had to act all badly instead of letting me try to talk it out. I know better than to try to talk to him.
I am so depressed. I'm also over any drama going on here. I'm struggling and come here because I want to talk to other people with alcohol addictions. That is what this place is about. I'm glad that it was all ignored. I'd rather concentrate on fighting this bad mood and cravings.

With that being said, I am going to go to bed. I'm sure I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Just needed a little vent I guess.

Thanks MWO for being here.