Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-16-13

TheSunFlower - thank you so much for writing! I like your quote about being an ex-drinker.

I'm still taking the antabuse. I'm certainly having thoughts about stopping it. But, so far, sanity has prevailed.

I need to try to pin down why I want to drink. It's not really a craving.....I think it's like I said before......it stops me from thinking. Stops me from trying to take care of everybody, from worrying, from dealing with everything. I know that it's much more than that. But, that is one part of it. So, if I keep this soul searching maybe I'll pull out all of the dark thoughts/secrets.

But, I am certainly taking steps to help me work on Me. Getting away to the gym is really helping (you would think I would have lost weight :H). I am being a little more selfish. Telling hubby - "No, I am not going to take you to the grocery store today. It will have to wait until tomorrow." Just that kind of thing.

Hopefully, we will get the results from his CT scan in a couple days. Really am hoping that everything is ok. But, something is definitely wrong. Just hope it's a very simple solution. There are just so many things hurting and going on with him right now. He just had another migraine aura. It hits in one eye and he can't see anything but very bright, shimmering design in that eye. Goes away in about 30-60 minutes. We are calling it a migraine aura but not really sure what it is.

The Dr never called me about my elevated liver enzymes so I'm assuming it is over such a small amount that it's nothing to worry about. They are good about calling, if something is wrong. It was just a few points over the range.

Well - I think hubby is ready for bed. Thanks for all the well wishes.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-22-13

I have felt so melancholy for the last several days. Can't quite put my finger on it. I feel so......I don't know really.......sad??? I just feel I have such a heavy heart/chest. Almost like I want to cry and sob but there is nothing there. Oh well - this too shall pass. Maybe some of it has to do with the fact that it's my Dad's birthday on Tuesday. That is probably what a lot of this is.

Hubby's CT scan came back normal, thank goodness. I'm still worried about him. But, at least I don't think it's something extremely serious. This is probably just another part of his health issues. Sometimes it is just so much. And, if I think it's too much, just imagine him having to feel all of this.

I am doing ok though. Still taking the antabuse. Gosh - it must be 19 or 20 days now. So, that's a positive. I'm still searching for my motivation on why I want to do this. The only thing right now is that I don't want to hurt my family. I haven't been able to get back to wanting it for me. But, it will come with time. Just need to work thru this funk.

I am still doing positive things for myself. I am going to the gym several times a week. As much as I don't really like it, I have found that I do like it. I have time to myself. I put on my music. I do my exercise. It helps. I am taking some time for me and it's really nice.

Well - guess my ramble is over for now. Just putting it out there does help though.

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Dear Sweet Nora!

Just checking in on your thread. Boy oh boy can I ever relate to the melancholy/sad feeling....I am right there with you. Mine is stemming from my daughter's mental state...I just wish I could push a button and "fix" her (and fix me while I'm at it. lol)

Glad to know you're still TTFP...me too. We'll get out of this funk eventually.

Love you friend! :h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

K9 - love you too friend. You're right....we'll get out of this funk...................evenutally.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-28-13

Sitting here on a Saturday night. Still dealing with the melancholy feeling. I talked to my therapist about it today. I told her that I'm not deeply depressed, I'm not happy - I'm not sad. I'm just nothing. Just numb, just existing. She said that she went thru the same thing when she suffered many losses all at once. Just a coping mechanism that our bodies go thru.

I am still doing things that are helpful to me. Taking care of myself. So, that is clearly a sign that I'm not in a deep depression. I am taking steps to get better and that is a good thing.

I am going to the gym. Enjoying having a time to myself while I work out. I am reading. I am spending time with my family. Baby steps but steps in the right direction. I went on a picnic with my hubby today. We went grocery shopping and then stopped for a dipped cone. Yummy!

I am still taking antabuse. I do still have that little voice in the back of the head that is telling me to stop taking it. But, I keep putting them in my pill case and taking it each morning. I honestly don't know where I'll be in a month or two. But, I do know that right now I am fighting that little voice.

I'm reading a new Stephen King book - 'Doctor Sleep' and this line was at the beginning of the book - "FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.".........Old AA saying. I really think that the better one is "FEAR: Face Everything and Recover".
But, I did get a chuckle out of the first one. That is me - I didn't really run but I would use the alcohol to numb, to keep from dealing with it, to hide. That is how I dealt with things. So, I can't say that it's great to be feeling everything now and dealing with it. But, I am managing.

Ok - enough of this rambling. None of it even makes sense. So, back to my books.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-29-13

I thought this was very interesting. Some of it applies to my struggle with alcohol. But, the majority of it applies to how to live my life. And working on getting my life together is a positive step that will only help with my alcohol struggle.

The 20 Things you Need to Stop Doing To Yourself:

We are our own greatest enemy. We doubt ourselves, complicate our lives, cloud our minds with unimportant thoughts and negativity, we punish ourselves, hate ourselves and then feel sorry for ourselves because “outside forces” are making our lives a living hell. Life is beautiful — you’re making yours a living hell all on your own. Each of us does things from time to time that make living happily more difficult than it needs to be.

Surely some of us have it difficult because those are the cards that we’re dealt, but most of us — especially those who are better off financially and don’t live on the streets — make our very own lives more difficult for ourselves. But there are things you can do to stop the miserable cycle that you have found yourself in — a cycle that I know all too well. Here’s 20 of them:

1. Stop Running From Your Problems and Procrastinating.
Problems don’t go away on their own. You can either make them go away or live with them. If you know you can’t live with them, then don’t procrastinate because the weight of them on your mind only increases over time. If you have a problem, then accept that you have a problem and face it — deal with it. Life is a long list of problems that must be overcome. The faster and better you overcome them, the better and happier your life will be.

2. Stop Lying To Yourself.
People will lie to you left and right throughout your life; don’t add to the pile of lies. It is one thing for others to be lying to you and an entirely different issue if you’re lying to yourself. You are the only person that you can trust…but if you have a habit of lying to yourself, then you can’t even trust yourself. You have to be able to rely on yourself and on what you believe.

If you know something to be false, then stop convincing yourself that it is or could possibly be true. Improbable is one thing, but impossible is another. Feeding yourself lies or half-truths will lead to the forming of a reality that doesn’t actually exist past the confines of your psyche.

3. Stop Living In The Past.
Yesterday was yesterday — it’s gone and will never again be. Everyone carries emotional baggage with them. Some of us carry the weight of a depressing past while others live in those happy long-gone moments that we consider to have been the best of our lives. You can reminisce if you’d like as long as you don’t forget that your reality exists only in the present.

It can be a dangerous thing to dwell on the past. Nostalgia can overcome us and make us feel that the world we are living in today falls short of the happiness we experienced in the past. Other times we will punish ourselves for mistakes that we have done and dwell in the negativity and bad feelings that we had. Whatever the case, be wary of focusing on past events and do your best to live in the moment.

4. Stop Attempting To Buy Happiness.
I’ve tried; it doesn’t work. You can buy drinks, buy drugs, buy sex, buy trips, buy experiences, buy toys and clothes…none of it will make you happy — at least not past the day that you buy them. I always revert to Paulo Coelho on this matter: happiness must be something attainable by each and every person no matter what his or her circumstance. If the poorest of the poor can be happy, then happiness cannot lie in the material.

5. Stop Relying On Others.
People have their own lives filled with their own headaches, own problems, own mishaps and own successes. Friendship is great, but often doesn’t weather the storm. Be self-reliant. Be independent. We all find ourselves alone at several points throughout our lives. If you find yourself on your lonesome and don’t know how to deal with it because you are used to having constant support, then you will drown.

6. Stop Fearing Failure.
Failure is such a derogatory term… I don’t understand why. Failing is learning in the real world. There is only so much that you can read up about the way the world works, but true knowledge comes from experience. And no one gets it right the first time around. You failed. Great. Try it again. And again. And again. The more times you get it wrong, the more ways you know NOT to do it.

7. Stop Doing The Same Thing Over And Over, Expecting Different Results.
At the same time, don’t keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. If you tried something one way and it didn’t work, then guess what will happen when you try again exactly in the same manner? Failure is only good if you learn from it. Otherwise it really is just failure.

8. Stop Rejecting Prospective Partners Because Of Your Past Sh*tty Relationships.
You fell in love and had your heart broken; we all have. Luckily for you, now that you have experienced the pain of a broken heart, you have fully experienced the love cycle and can grow as an individual. Relationships, like the rest of life, are learning experiences. Don’t generalize and make yourself believe that all relationships end in heartache because that doesn’t have to be the case. Ultimately, you and your partner decide whether or not the relationship will work. Check your baggage at the door.

9. Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself.
Life is tough for everyone. The richest of the rich have problems. The poorest of the poor have problems. We make problems for ourselves — they don’t exist outside of us. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start interacting with the world around you.

10. Stop Trying To Change Others.
People don’t want to be changed and most often can’t be changed. You must learn to accept people for who they are. The less you focus on all the things you find wrong about an individual, the more you can focus on how to deal with them and all their discrepancies. Don’t fix people; learn to deal with them and — I hate to say it — learn to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do; mind-f*ck them.

11. Stop Making Excuses.
I understand that the time isn’t right, the place isn’t right, and the stars have yet to align perfectly. The setting will never be perfect for anything. Perfect is not the alignment of outside forces; it’s making havoc the perfect opportunity. Stop making excuses and start making opportunities for yourself.

12. Stop Worrying.
Sh*t happens. Then it happens again. Then sh*t won’t happen for a day or two…and then it returns with a vengeance. The more responsibilities that you have the more you have to potentially worry about. The key is to not procrastinate and approach all problems logically. You only have so much time in a week to work on the things that need to be worked on. You can do so much with that time. As long as you do as much as you can do, there is nothing you should be worrying about. The only thing worth worrying about is your own laziness; everything else is out of your control. If you worry about things out of your control, then you are setting yourself up for a mental breakdown.

13. Stop Focusing On The Negative.
Negativity is overwhelming and contagious. It tints the way we look at the world and makes us believe that we are worse off than we actually are. Negativity and worry go hand in hand and can be the downfall of all that you have worked so hard for. Living in a world filled with your negative thoughts doesn’t leave any room for the positive. Focus on the negative and you will hate your life.

14. Stop Being Ungrateful.
Statistically speaking, if you are reading this then most people in the world have it worse off than you do. That may not be very comforting…but consider that most of these people are likely to be happier than you. Happiness does not lie in the material, but in the immaterial. Be grateful for what you do have — especially those that play important parts in your life. You could be worse off and may very well be worse off some time in the future. Enjoy whatever prosperity you have.

15. Stop Wasting Time.
You are only allotted a sliver of time to call your life. Use those minutes and hours to make the most of your life. Ever hear your elders complain about how fast time flies by? Listen. They’re speaking the truth.

16. Stop Overloading Your Schedule.
Doing more does not necessarily mean getting more done. It’s all about efficiency. Human beings require certain things in order to live tranquilly. Divvy up your time for all the things that you MUST do and then divvy the rest for the things that you WANT to do. Just make sure to be clear on what you need before you start going after what you want.

17. Stop Trying To Impress Others.
It’s not worth it. The only reason you should ever try to get on someone’s good side is if you need them for something — only in business. When it comes to more personal relationships you can’t do anything more than be yourself. If they don’t love you for who you are, then they will never truly love you.

18. Stop Wishing You Were Someone Else.
Make sure that you know who you are and do all you can to develop — not change. People don’t change, they develop and grow. You are a great individual because you are a human being. You have the potential to do anything you want. Figure out what it is that you want out of life and go after it. There is no need to change who you are to match some preexistent notion of who you should be. Of course, certain situations you may find yourself in will have certain rules of etiquette, which you will need to learn and adopt. However, who you know you are and who others perceive you to be does not have to be the same person.

19. Stop Overlooking The Simple Things In Life.
The simplest of things are the most beautiful of things. Take walks. Talk to strangers. Look up at the sky, the trees, the birds. Connect with nature and all that which comes at little to no price. We often do our best to reach for things that we believe will make us more in tune with reality — happier — only to find out that we were greatly mistaken. Life offers us simple beauties. Relish in them.

20. Stop Hating Yourself.
We are often too tough on ourselves. We hate ourselves for our failures and our inabilities — which makes no sense whatsoever. Failing is learning and inabilities can be turned into abilities with enough work and patience. Whatever you dislike about yourself can be changed… just be sure that it’s worth changing. My advice: learn to love yourself the way that you are. Changes are easier to make when you already have a good relationship with yourself.

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

HOLY COW, NORA!

Where did you find that?
It's magnificent! :rays:

I'd pick out one number and say, 'Yes, I need to work on that.'
But truth be told, I need to work on all of them!
:thanks:

:l:h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

I saw the link posted on Facebook today. Sometimes there is a good post on that site instead of just garbage. :H

But, so many of those things hit home with me. I'm like you, maybe I should pick one at a time to work on.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

How very very wise all that is Nora --- funny - of all the wisdom therein -- the one that strikes a chord with me is to stop overlooking the simple things --- therein lies the recipe for happiness methinks ---- for so many years we all 'reached' for the ultimate buzz, the 'big hit' --- that we became immune to noticing the little things round us ...... learning slowly to take more heed --- thanks for this - hope you're doing ok? xxxx

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Molly - that one really resonated with me too! I have been trying very hard to look at the simple things. Smile at someone when I pass them in a store or on the street. Look at the beauty that surrounds us. I'm not completely there of course but I am working on that one.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-2-13

Still hanging in there......still having the 'voice' in the back of my head. But, it's true that it does get quieter over time.

I am still working on things that are helpful to me:

Going to the gym:
This is not just helpful because of the exercise. This is really helping me to have some 'me' time. I rarely have alone time. Oh - I'll have a few minutes here and there. But, I don't think it's more than an hour at the most. So, I have been using my gym time as 'quiet' time. Because my hubby can't work or drive, he is home alone every day. He craves contact & communication by the time I get home from work. So, this is working out for both of us. I go and have my hour or so at the gym - quiet my brain from work, exercise and then I am more settled when I get home. This has helped my stress level.

Health/Medication:
I have my medications adjusted so that I am feeling better. I am taking the antabuse every morning with my other medications. I am eating better/healthier. I have my cpap machine up & working again. This all helps me feel better.

Support:
I am spending more time here on MWO. I am looking at other sites. I am making an effort to stay connected. When I start backing away from this group, I start having problems.

Stop worrying:
I am working on this. I have always been a worrier so this one is hard. But, I am trying to let it go. Yes - I am concerned about something but I can not worry about it. That won't help the problem. I am trying to admit that there is a problem/concern, etc. But, if it is not something that I can control, then worrying about it is not going to help.
This one will take some time so - I am taking baby steps.

Happiness:
I am getting back to being the happy person that I was when I was younger. I smile at people when I pass them. I say hello. I am finding the joy in life. I have had much sadness this year. But, I am looking out towards the happiness as much as I can.

None of this is perfect and complete. But, I am trying to live by the quote I have on my signature line:
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Loved the list Nora! Thanks for posting it...I too am suprised it came off Facebook...I am about done with all the crap on that site!

I'm so glad you are TTDP everyday...I am staying vigilant with it too. No more dumb thoughts of "maybe just this once"...cuz we know where that leads!

You're doing great, hang in there....love you!

[Lizann]

Nora's journey

Thanks for posting this Nora! I get hung up on the worrying and the negative. I too am making an effort to be happy, to smile at people and be friendly, to find the joy and jewels in each day!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-12-13

Feeling the need to ramble again......and this is my spot to talk it out in my head.

Had all my blood work done a month ago. My liver enzymes were slightly elevated. Very slight but it hit me how real this is. I never heard from my Doctor so I had convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal. Well, she called my Thursday night - asked me if I was drinking and I was able to say no, that I was taking the antabuse. So, she told me that I needed another blood test to check the liver and for hepatitis. And, if it was still high that she would schedule an abdominal scan. Well, I had the blood work done yesterday morning. The results were posted online this morning. Completely normal! I'm very, very lucky.

The thing is. Yes - that scared me. But, am I never going to drink again? I remember about 13 years ago. My Dad was so sick, near death. He had a liver infection (cause unknown but he also had cirrhosis from his drinking). They had to remove part of his liver from the infection. I saw so many families in that ICU Waiting Room that were dealing with the heartbreak of their family member being in ICU. Some were there for liver transplants. There were some for other reasons too. But, we got to know those people. And we had to watch as some of them lost their loved ones. The point is - that I remember calling my husband and saying that I was never going to drink again. And believe me, my drinking was not even that bad at that point. And yet, here I am 13 years later. So, I just have to wonder when am I going to say enough is enough.

It has been different this time around. I don?t feel the drive to stop. I really don?t. I am going thru the motions. But, the thing is??I just don?t have the drive to drink either. It?s a weird thing. I guess I need to just let it go and take it for what it is. Today I am not drinking. Today I have no compulsion to drink.

I did read How to Kick the Drink Easily. Some of the book was interesting and really hit home with me. But, did I feel like I finished the book and I was done with drinking? No. Again, didn?t really have feelings either way. Not interested in drinking. I think about it sometimes. And I think that oh, I?ll probably drink again. But, not caring. It?s just so weird. A month ago, I was having thoughts in my head about when I could stop taking the antabuse so I could drink again. Not thinking about that now. Well, I take that back. I do think about it occasionally but almost with a kind of shrug. Like whatever.

I think that I?m just numb in some aspects of my life right now. I think that there was so much grief earlier in the year that I am still maybe recovering from all of that. But, I don?t think that?s really a bad thing right now. I think it?s just going to take time.

I haven?t really formulated a new or different plan to keep me sober. I am still just taking it a step at a time. And, maybe that isn?t good but that is the way that I have to do it for right now. I have realized or I probably already knew this but I?ve been noticing it so much lately; Scott?s medical issues and constant pain and mood swings are very hard on me. They are very hard on our son. Luckily Casey is working quite a bit now so he hasn't had to deal with as much of it. I feel so guilty for saying that. So very guilty. But, it is true. I know that there are so many caregivers out there that do so much more and deal with much worse, but it is still hard on me. Today was a very hard day. His pain levels were sky high. He was so irritable that I was on eggshells. And, this is when I would have wanted to drink. This evening I did want to numb myself. But, it wasn?t a craving for alcohol. I think that is what I used because it was easy. Readily available and took me away from all of this. I found myself getting stressed tonight. So, I ended up going to the gym for 45 minutes. I was able to put on my headphones and ride the bike and I even read some of my Kindle book from my phone. It took the edge off.

So, I guess that I am trying to find healthier ways to deal with things. Going to the gym helps give me a release. I need to focus on finding ways to get a release. I love Scott so much. He is such a loving person. He can?t help that he is ill. So, I need to focus on that.

Well ? no magic answers appeared as I rambled.

I just need to remember to love & be happy. That is what life is all about.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

I had a few quiet minutes at work and just read this...I , too, LOVE the list you posted.
Nora, you are such a gently, sensitive soul and you did shut down for a bit when you lost so many loved ones so quick. Especially your Dad. I get it and I am here for you unconditionally. It makes me happy coz you sound like you are getting to a better place than you have been since I have known you. We are all a lifelong work in progress my love.