Nora's journey

[NoraC]

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[NoraC]

365 Days

Wow. It’s not going to be real to me until Wednesday when it is actually the 27th but I feel like I should write something to document this day in my journey……….

I wish that I was able to express myself better. I have so much in my heart but just can’t form the words.
I am in such a better place today. It certainly isn’t a smooth path. But, oh I am so grateful that I chose it.

I am not sure what was different this time but last year, a few special people here told me that they could see that it was different this time. I was scared to admit it but it felt different this time to me too. And it has been.

I was absolutely going to kill myself with the alcohol. It was escalating and I think I was waiting to die. The disgust and self-hatred I felt were overwhelming. I was in a very bad place inside my head. But, not today.

So – what can I say to help some other person? I don’t have the magic words. I so wish that I did. There have been some other wonderful posts from people recently that are around the same point as I am. Amazing people - Liz, Bri and they worded things so well.

Important tools in my sobriety:

Newbies Nest Roll Call
This was my lifeline at times. I did not want to ever have to put Day 1 again. Sometimes when I just thought I couldn’t make it, I would hold onto the fact that I had posted my AF day in the roll call so I could not drink that day. I could drink tomorrow but I had already marked down that I didn’t drink today.

MWO
I reached out and grabbed hold of people on here. I had my buddies that were there to talk me off the ledge. One of my major problems was not reaching out and asking for help.

Me
I made myself a priority. I hadn’t been a priority in years. I was always taking care of someone else. I have seen that this is a common theme among people here. I still take care of other people but I am not putting myself last all the time anymore.
If I’m tired, I allow myself to rest.
If I’m sad, I allow myself to be sad.
If I’m angry, I allow myself to be angry.
It I’m happy, I allow myself to be happy
I was a big one on worrying about everyone else and not letting me feel/express my emotions.

Positivity
I was always a positive person. That person disappeared. I have worked on finding her. I read recovery sites and blogs. I have daily e-mails sent to me from a couple of sites…..Tired of Thinking about Drinking, Rabbi Brian & Religion Outside the Box. I search out motivational quotes, stories, blogs. I work at finding the good because that makes ME happy.

Enough of my rambling. But, to anyone that thinks it is impossible…….don’t give up. Please don’t give up. I have been on MWO since 2009. That means that I had to have had a drinking problem for a long time before I started searching for help. But, it finally clicked.

Cling to that sobriety with your fingernails. The inner peace that you will find is so worth it……………….

[Sunbeam]

Nora, I am so happy for you, finally finding your own path out of alcohell.

[NoraC]

Well, I seem to be looking for any excuse to keep from sitting down here and trying to connect. Oh, I'm on here several times a day. But, I'm not making the effort to post. Which led me to read my 365 day post. And, I see that I am not doing #1 and #2 that were key to getting me here.

So, I am going to post in Roll Call daily. I am going to connect here daily.

I think that I don't exactly what's going on in my head so I don't know how to talk about it. But, the fact that I am home alone today and the thought of alcohol flashed thru my head is not a good thing. Oh, the thought was here & gone quicker than I could have said the words. But, the point is that I have been stressed out and I need to take a breath and use my tools.

I was reading a thread the other day - I didn't have time to read it thoroughly and had planned on going back and haven't yet. But it was a comment made by NS (NoSugar) that she talked about having addictions her whole life. I think that I have been that way for as long as I can remember......compulsive weight loss/exercise. Then there was speed. Then there was alcohol. I am trying to live my life without an addiction for the first time!

See - just coming here and trying to form the words has helped. That is what is going on. I am stressed out and I don't have my addictions to comfort me. And instead of using my tools, I have been searching for a new addiction. The first 9 months of AF was ok because my new addiction was getting thru each day AF. Now, that is not forefront in my mind, I have been feeling a little odd. Don't know how to explain it, but I am just living this thing called life. And, I don't have my 'blankie' (addiction) to comfort me. I am not going to let a new addiction into my life and I have realized in the past month that I need to be careful. I am dealing with stressful situations at work and at home. It would be very easy to slip into a bad frame of mind.

So, I am back to basics again.

Roll call - check
Connect to my friends here - check
Continue making myself a priority - check (pedicure - chiropractor - massage - bingo out with girlfriend - a lazy Sunday)
Positivity - check (something that I look for daily)

I feel like a load is off my shoulders just by coming here and trying to talk it out (or maybe it's just the massage :rotlf: )

[JackieClaire]

Don't know how to explain it, but I am just living this thing called life.

Nora, my lovely. I know exactly what you mean...........but its so hard to put into words. I had a rather bad case of the 'what nows' after the first year.

I'm rather fond of my live now......bet you are too.....not going to give it up for anything.

[NoraC]

Nora, my lovely. I know exactly what you mean...........but its so hard to put into words. I had a rather bad case of the 'what nows' after the first year.

I'm rather fond of my live now......bet you are too.....not going to give it up for anything.

Thank you, JC :hug: I was wondering what was wrong with me. You are right - no way I'm going to give it up.

[NoSugar]

Thank you, JC :hug: I was wondering what was wrong with me. You are right - no way I'm going to give it up.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, Nora. Things ebb and flow. Sometimes I can't imagine what I could write that would help anyone, including myself, and other times I seem to chatter on and on, regardless of whether I'm making much sense.

I did write in a thread that I now recognize I've done and thought many things over the years in a habitual manner and that these were things that made me feel good or better, that were soothing, that filled some need. Most of them I'd classify as habits (some good, some not so good) with the worst habits - the ones I didn't stop despite awful outcomes - I think were outright addictions. Other negative habits I'd been able to break through my parent's bribery, maturing, or my own embarrassment. On the other hand, I drank despite being in my 50s and mortified by my behavior so I know that while it was a habit, it was really entrenched, and it took a lot of brain-changing to kick it! I just finished a really interesting book that explains why addictions are so dang compelling.

I currently have habits/rituals that I enjoy and find comforting - reading and posting here, hot bubble baths, chats with friends, walking my dog, playing the same games repeatedly with my grandson ... I like routines. And I see no reason to worry about habits that result in good feelings so I hope you don't feel afraid of developing a new "addiction". I think you'll know if what you're doing is making you uneasy rather than more comfortable - and who needs any of that?? xx, NS

[NoraC]

NS - Excellent post. Thank you. As you mentioned about childhood habits, it triggered a memory. I used to have long hair and I would suck on my hair. Before my hair was long enough, I can remember sucking on clothes. Tere are other things too. Very interesting, yes - habits that I outgrew or overcame.
I think I am over-analyzing myself. Lots of things going on in my life and I don't want to get blindsided. :egad: But, I do know that I have all of you here that will be with me every step of the way. :hug:

[NoSugar]

I have a sore at the corner of my mouth in a school picture from doing the exact thing, Nora. And another where it looks like I have a bump-it on the side of my head from habitually twirling my (short thanks to the first habit!) hair. We're designed to feel good - and when it's not how we feel, we come up with ways to try to get back to what we know we truly are. It's just that some of our attempts sadly end up taking us far in the opposite direction.

[JackieM]

Nora-

I have ridden the stop/start merry-go-round for years regarding both drinking and diet. Looking back, I realize that I loved the rush of getting ready for a quit or diet. I would order books, supplements, tea-anything to motivate me. I could never seem make it past three months on the diet or remain alcohol free beyond that time. It was like the thrill of the quit or diet was gone and I would revert back to my old habits.
After I hit the one year sober mark, I guess I felt like I did not know where to go next. I had settled in to living my real life and the newness of my quit was over. People and circumstances around me had not changed. I was feeling very blah. I reached out here and received some excellent support/advice. I was introduced to the 3Ps and it has changed my life.
I think maybe year one is about getting the alcohol out of our lives and learning to live without it. The next phase is really learning about ourselves and how we want to live the rest of our lives.
I brought up an older thread of mine hoping maybe you can benefit from some of the advice I received.
Take care.

JackieM

[NoraC]

JackieM - thank you so much for your post. I had read your thread and totally forgot about it! Thank you so very much. :hug: I was doing exactly what you were doing regarding feeling like I needed to work some things out on my own. But, I was totally isolating myself.

I'm putting the link here so I don't forget it again:

Working Toward Acceptance

[NoraC]

I want to thank everyone for all the support.....even when I didn't believe in myself I had the support of so many people here. And, it made the difference. It truly did.

My back is out and as my son says, it is probably stress. Mom is so aware today. On the ball with recognizing what is going on around her. Been awake all day long - that is unheard of. But, she was up at 4:00 am and I thought she had just gone in the bathroom. She had actually walked out here into the kitchen and gone into the refrigerator and got a coke. Thank goodness that hubby woke up and went in there. She had a sip and then opened a drawer. He helped her with a lid for the coke and then helped her back into the bedroom.
She went back to sleep but woke up about 7:00 am. I saw her sitting up so I went around to help her with her robe. She was awake but confused. She has been talking about her parents and wanting to call them. Then she talked about my Dad and that she needs to go be with him. She has actually asked about her brothers and their wives by name. She was mentioning old family friends from back in West Virginia that I don't even remember - I just know the names. It has just been so hard all day knowing what to say. I have posted in and Alzheimer's forum and am hoping to make some connections there. I am so thankful that today was Sunday and I wasn't working.

Anyway - I needed to talk about it in my safe place. :love:

[Rusty]

Hi Nora,

So sorry your back went out but I am so proud of you for handling it, along with dealing with your mom's dementia, with a sober mind and body. Kudos and love to you!!:heartbeat::yay:

[NoraC]

I don't know where to go to talk about this. So, I have come here. I need to have a safe place to mourn. So, please no lectures. Just let me get this out so I can try to heal.

I am hurting so bad inside. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. And, I don't know where to go.

This isn't because my candidate didn't win. This is because the person that did win promotes everything that I have worked so hard to remove from my life.

I seek peace & positive, the good in people, helping & loving. The man that was elected does not stand for any of that.

I have avoided news, facebook, etc. But, I can not stop crying. I don't need platitudes. There is nothing that can be said that is going to change this. I am in the minority.

I am having a very hard time getting up from this. I feel so lost and hurt.........

[NoSugar]

You're not in the minority, Nora. Less than 60% of eligible voters voted (Voter turnout in 216 looks low so far — and that may have helped Donald Trump - Vox) and HRC didn't lose because more Republicans voted but because fewer Democrats did (I made a chart showing the popular vote turnout in 28, 212 and 216. - Imgur). This means there is work to do to get this mess turned around. But it doesn't at all mean that the majority of our peers support him or share his values. Too many of them gave up and didn't show up.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I gave myself the day off yesterday for just that reason. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I definitely couldn't eat or sleep. But on the positive side, I hung out with my grandson and dog (2 beings who are total Honey Badgers about the election :wink and I returned to MWO, which I hadn't planned to do, because this event reminded me we all need community, we need to love and forgive one another, and we need to give and receive support - in all areas of our lives.

I'm going to disengage from FB for the most part - it (and MSNBC) lead me astray. On the other hand, my husband who gets his news from the NY Times and Chicago Tribune was equally shocked at what happened. We'll need to figure out where to get our news in the future but Valdemort's not going to be president until January so between now and then is a good time to step away from all this and work on our own business at home, which is the most important thing anyway.

You're not alone, Nora :hug: