Nora's journey

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

Hi, Nora:

Sounds like you have a good plan. I love the positives you pulled out of the experience. Keep strong!

Pav

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Thanks everyone. Feeling unsettled at the moment but it will pass. Lots of things going on and the responsibilities are growing heavy. But, nothing that won't work itself out in the end. I just need to remember to take care of me when I'm feeling like this. It's not that I'm really worrying about things but there are so many 'what ifs' right now that it can be overwhelming at times.

Pav - Thanks for your comment about the positives. I have really been working on positivism and gratitude. My screensaver at work flashes different motivational quotes that I saved and one of them is about training yourself to be grateful. I saw saw it on my screen this week when I walked up to my desk and it reminded me. We have a dry erase board on our fridge titled Love Notes and underneath it are positive words/sentences like Be Happy, Be Grateful, Look for the positive, don't overthink, etc. I am trying to live my life that way. Some days I am more successful than others.

Thanks for all the support. I begin to get a little concerned about myself when I withdraw too much. Decided it was better to let it out over here. I spent a little too much time looking at the pictures of mimosas the other day. Luckily I had stored away in my brain a little film strip of my last drinking night - played that one and a few others for good measure. Mimosas didn't look that good anymore.

I wish I could put into words how much you all mean to me. :heartbeat:

[Sunbeam]

Re: Nora's journey

Nora, you give here more than you receive, don't lose that perspective. You are dealing with so much and doing it so well. Your story is a testimony to the fact that drinking does not help coping.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Just been thinking about things lately. How much better my life is. Not easy by any means. But full - full of LIFE. Instead of being numbed and incoherent, I am dealing with things. I have really tried to focus on the positive in life. To be grateful. Trying to be a better person in my everyday life.
I saw this and it just reminded me of the journey that I am on.........that we all are on here.

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Nora's journey

I'm so happy to hear you say that Nora! You deserve to be the best you and have the best life possible. xxx

[Rusty]

Re: Nora's journey

So Happy for you, Nora! You sound like you are at peace with your life and enjoying every minute. Thank you for including me in your journey.:hug:

[Sunbeam]

Re: Nora's journey

It is always good to hear how you are doing, Nora. You are taking care of yourself while forging forward, always a tricky balance.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

I was making a little post in the Nest tonight and it got me thinking. I don't know if I ever wrote about these things but I'm still going to put it down here.

About 18 years ago my Dad was very sick with a liver infection. Very rare, they were never able to find out how he got it. Asking if he worked with farm animals, had he been out of the country, etc. He almost died that time. Even the Doctors said that it was a miracle that he lived. My Dad was an alcoholic and never drank another drop. Alcohol did not cause the infection but it added to everything.
I watched that - lived it - suffered through it. I sat by his bedside for weeks. It was a huge intensive care with many patients with liver problems. We became close to other families and were with them as they mourned the death of their loved one. I experienced all of that. I still became an alcoholic!!!

At one point sitting in a waiting room, a woman was talking about her Dad and how they found bottles hidden all over. In the toilet tank, etc. Her dad was in such bad shape. I was appalled - how could somebody be that bad that they would sneak around like that. I became quite skillful at smuggling bottles around.


It has been such a journey but oh it is a wonderful not to have to think about alcohol all the time. What a beautiful life it is now.

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

It has been such a journey but oh it is a wonderful not to have to think about alcohol all the time. What a beautiful life it is now.

Isn't that the best? I didn't realize the freedom I'd find. I was thinking about it all of the time - so happy I don't have to any more. Thanks for sharing.

Pav

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Thanks Pav. It is a great feeling not to have it playing constantly in my head.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Feel the need to ramble so here I am. Coming up on 2 years AF and it has been such a different life. A wonderful life. Not easy but so much better than being in the grip of alcohol. I am just so grateful that I tried that one more time. That was probably my 500th Day 1 but it stuck that time. All I can say to people is never give up.

It was weird on the 4th of July because there was alcohol EVERYWHERE. Up and down the street. And to be honest I felt a little strange but as NoSugar told me, it was ok to feel strange about the alcohol. I knew I wasn't going to drink but it was weird for me. But, that was in the early afternoon. I was so happy that I don't drink by about 6:00 pm. A friend of my next door neighbor was so drunk that she could hardly stand - she was having a great time dancing/stumbling, leaning over a lit canon and almost getting her face blown off and not realizing how close it was. She was out of control. She leaned over to take a drink and was so unsteady that I thought she was going to fall over backwards. That was me 2 years ago and it feels so great to be a different person now.

And as stupid as this sounds, this is a big deal for me: I know for sure there are no empty bottles hidden somewhere. That has been in the back of my mind this whole time. Wondering if I had put one somewhere when I was drunk. Well, we just painted and moved everything out from all places. Nothing could have stayed hidden. Silly, but it's like closing another chapter...a clean slate.

I am so grateful for this MWO community. :heartbeat:

[paulywogg]

Re: Nora's journey

The 4th of July has to be one of the hardest holidays I think Nora,EVERYONE, was drinking and tbh it looked fun but I seen my next door neighbor and she was sooooo drunk by 7 pm she had lost her new pack of cigarettes and was looking for them in her mailbox! It didn't look too fun anymore, love you

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Had a meltdown this morning :sad: Over nothing and everything, of course. Nothing at all wrong but just woke up overwhelmed. Then it just went from bad to worse. Hubby & I completely misunderstanding each other as we argued. Didn't really argue - but the terse remarks was enough to make me start crying. I tried to explain to him that I felt overwhelmed and that I felt like I was doing everything......there was more to that sentence but, of course, he didn't stop to listen to the rest. I totally understand his frustration with me - I worded that very poorly. My poor hubby takes care of 90% of the housework. He takes care of MY mother with as much love as she was his own Mother. We talked and things are fine now. Bottom line is that I must find a caretaker to come in. I am frazzled. Hubby & I need to be able to go out for a few hours every week. I received a bunch of applicants when I signed up for care.com. I'm going to have to sit down & look thru them and just start somewhere. I have been putting it off because I can't stand for a stranger to take care of my mom. Made me start crying just to say it. But, I know it is the right thing to do. I just need to do it.

Casey was here yesterday. Somehow 4th of July was brought up. A neighbor down the street doesn't drink anymore either. She & Casey were talking on the 4th and she mentioned my craziness from 2 years ago. I am grateful that I don't drink anymore. One more reminder.

I always feel so guilty for complaining. I have no problems at all compared to so many other people. I try very hard to always have a positive thought. Have a smile. But, I guess it's ok to have an off day. I'll take it at that and tomorrow will be a much happier day. I think I'm going to just curl up with a book for a while or maybe a movie or maybe I'll just sit here and play games on my kindle. Who knows but I am going to do something that makes me feel happy.

[Rusty]

Re: Nora's journey

Nora:hug:You have every right to feel overwhelmed....could someone from your mom's doctor's office provide you with a recommendation for a caregiver?
Also, churches provide excellent resources for caregivers as well, and even though you aren't a churchgoer, I don't think you have to be a registered member of any church to get a recommendation for a reputable caregiver. You are right...you and hubby need some time AWAY and ALONE. Thinking of you, friend, and I am here for you.:heartbeat:

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Another rambling session has been building up.

First off, I seriously don't know what I would do or where I would be without the people of MWO. I have met so many amazing people here that I understand me. So, if anyone stumbles across this post. THANK YOU! You all have literally saved my life.

I have been very depressed lately. For whatever reason, darkness had just grabbed onto me. I have finally started seeing the light breaking thru. I have been playing it over in my head trying to figure out what is going on. I really try to focus on the good and happy in life. But, life does get lifey sometimes and that is part of life. I think that I was bottling stuff up and it took a toll on me. So, I am going to ramble......

Hospice has been amazing! Totally amazing. Like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. She will be reevaluated after 6 months. I don't know if they will continue it or not. Mom has stabilized for the moment. Mom has stopped having the delusions since they started her on two different meds. That is a blessing. It was heartbreaking when she wanted to go home or call her parents or my Dad. She is not feeling well much of the time but not in bad pain. Recently she was having a bad day and she told me that she just didn't understand it, why wouldn't she just die. :sad: But, she is happy most of the time. A loving, happy person. I am so very lucky.

Work has been very stressful. Just not good. I am tired of being snapped at. I finally had a breakdown on Monday which is NOT the way I want to discuss things when I am upset. This has been building up. Family owned business and I am not family. Period. Just because I have worked there for 40 years does not mean I am family. When I was seeing my therapist a few years ago, we worked on this. This is a job. I am not a salaried employee - so when I go home, turn it off. I have been doing that and my life has been so much better. Well, since the President (Dad) had heart surgery at the beginning of the year, Vice President (daughter) has been running the company. I stepped in and thru everything into helping her. Thought I was a valuable part of the team. Well, the past 6 weeks or so, I have been getting more and more out of the loop. I have had a couple of serious conversations with her. And each time she has steered it around to how stressed I am about my Mom. Well - fuck that. She is not listening. We talked again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I told her that I needed to be able to talk to her. (I have asked numerous times to have a 20 minute meeting once a week) I think she finally realized that she had better get on board with this. Sigh...... At least I got some of the stuff off my chest. Not all of it but cleared some of the air. Her cousin also works in the office. Have lunch together every day. Well, they think that I am talking to the other woman in the office about it. So, they think that she is trying to be a good friend to me and is mad at them. Little do they know that my friend hasn't liked the cousin from day one. LOL What - are we in high school??
Anyway, I have been working to get back to the point I was. This is my hourly job. I will do the best job I can. No more expectations of being part of the family team. I am an employee just like all the other employees. And that's the way it's been for the past 10 years. So, once I got it thru my thick head again, the end of the week was much better for my mental health.
I had hoped that I would be able to retire at 62. Be free to pursue other interests. The cold, hard facts are that I will not be able to retire at that age because of the insurance. And realistically, nobody would be beating down my door to hire me.
I am ok with that. We are happy at home. We have a home full of love and laughter - no more hidden bottles or guilt. I have really had the best life that I person could ever wish for. I just had a few detours on the way.

I have been so saddened by the state of this world. The hurricanes and all the devastation by nature were so heartbreaking.
But, all the violence that is going on around the world. All the car rammings of people. The bombs. And now this attack. My heart and soul are so heavy. I do not understand how anyone could be so evil. I feel overwhelmed by the darkness. It feels like I'm in a Dean Koontz or Stephen King novel. But, the horrifying part is that this is reality.
I believe that Facebook has doomed us. It's too easy to pass on false information and just spread the lies and hatred.
I will continue to try to spread positive. I will continue to look for the light and the love. There is so much positive in this world. So many wonderful people. We all experience these people in our daily lives. The post office clerk I exchange greetings with each morning as I pick up the mail for work. The clerks at 7-Eleven that recognize me and just laugh and ask how many bags today. Friendly greetings. Letting someone go in front of you in the grocery store. All these positive interactions make the world a better place. We must start spreading more love and peace in this world or there won't be a world.

As a matter of fact, I got my Free Hugs Project Free Hugs t-shirt so I am ready to get out in the world and spread the love.

No purpose to this rambling. But, just the need to get this out. It is dangerous territory for me to hold it in. And that is why I felt the need to put it all out there. This is exactly the type of stress that can lead me to bad thoughts. I am so grateful that I haven't been really tempted. Just a few stray thoughts that passed thru my brain. But, I know that there have been people that relapsed at 2 years or so. I need to be proactive and do what works for me to keep me going strong. And just coming back here and reading some of my posts helps. I've come a long way and I'm going to just continue taking it one step at a time. :heartbeat: