Nora's journey

[paulywogg]

Re: Nora's journey

Love you Nora

[Marylou123]

Re: Nora's journey

Nora - wish I was there to throw both arms around you and hug like crazy. You need to know your light shines through even in this insanity we call life. Thank you so, so much for sharing. Your “rambling” is a reminder to me, right now, to make sure I do everything I can to keep my heart soft. :heartbeat::hug:

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Nora's journey

Nora I'll say more when I have time to put it into words. For now, just keep looking for the little flowers amongst the weeds and know that we all love you. You are a very special person.

:hug: :heartbeat: :hug:

[mollyka]

Re: Nora's journey

Another rambling session has been building up.

First off, I seriously don't know what I would do or where I would be without the people of MWO. I have met so many amazing people here that I understand me. So, if anyone stumbles across this post. THANK YOU! You all have literally saved my life.

I have been very depressed lately. For whatever reason, darkness had just grabbed onto me. I have finally started seeing the light breaking thru. I have been playing it over in my head trying to figure out what is going on. I really try to focus on the good and happy in life. But, life does get lifey sometimes and that is part of life. I think that I was bottling stuff up and it took a toll on me. So, I am going to ramble......

Hospice has been amazing! Totally amazing. Like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. She will be reevaluated after 6 months. I don't know if they will continue it or not. Mom has stabilized for the moment. Mom has stopped having the delusions since they started her on two different meds. That is a blessing. It was heartbreaking when she wanted to go home or call her parents or my Dad. She is not feeling well much of the time but not in bad pain. Recently she was having a bad day and she told me that she just didn't understand it, why wouldn't she just die. :sad: But, she is happy most of the time. A loving, happy person. I am so very lucky.

Work has been very stressful. Just not good. I am tired of being snapped at. I finally had a breakdown on Monday which is NOT the way I want to discuss things when I am upset. This has been building up. Family owned business and I am not family. Period. Just because I have worked there for 40 years does not mean I am family. When I was seeing my therapist a few years ago, we worked on this. This is a job. I am not a salaried employee - so when I go home, turn it off. I have been doing that and my life has been so much better. Well, since the President (Dad) had heart surgery at the beginning of the year, Vice President (daughter) has been running the company. I stepped in and thru everything into helping her. Thought I was a valuable part of the team. Well, the past 6 weeks or so, I have been getting more and more out of the loop. I have had a couple of serious conversations with her. And each time she has steered it around to how stressed I am about my Mom. Well - fuck that. She is not listening. We talked again on Tuesday or Wednesday. I told her that I needed to be able to talk to her. (I have asked numerous times to have a 20 minute meeting once a week) I think she finally realized that she had better get on board with this. Sigh...... At least I got some of the stuff off my chest. Not all of it but cleared some of the air. Her cousin also works in the office. Have lunch together every day. Well, they think that I am talking to the other woman in the office about it. So, they think that she is trying to be a good friend to me and is mad at them. Little do they know that my friend hasn't liked the cousin from day one. LOL What - are we in high school??
Anyway, I have been working to get back to the point I was. This is my hourly job. I will do the best job I can. No more expectations of being part of the family team. I am an employee just like all the other employees. And that's the way it's been for the past 10 years. So, once I got it thru my thick head again, the end of the week was much better for my mental health.
I had hoped that I would be able to retire at 62. Be free to pursue other interests. The cold, hard facts are that I will not be able to retire at that age because of the insurance. And realistically, nobody would be beating down my door to hire me.
I am ok with that. We are happy at home. We have a home full of love and laughter - no more hidden bottles or guilt. I have really had the best life that I person could ever wish for. I just had a few detours on the way.

I have been so saddened by the state of this world. The hurricanes and all the devastation by nature were so heartbreaking.
But, all the violence that is going on around the world. All the car rammings of people. The bombs. And now this attack. My heart and soul are so heavy. I do not understand how anyone could be so evil. I feel overwhelmed by the darkness. It feels like I'm in a Dean Koontz or Stephen King novel. But, the horrifying part is that this is reality.
I believe that Facebook has doomed us. It's too easy to pass on false information and just spread the lies and hatred.
I will continue to try to spread positive. I will continue to look for the light and the love. There is so much positive in this world. So many wonderful people. We all experience these people in our daily lives. The post office clerk I exchange greetings with each morning as I pick up the mail for work. The clerks at 7-Eleven that recognize me and just laugh and ask how many bags today. Friendly greetings. Letting someone go in front of you in the grocery store. All these positive interactions make the world a better place. We must start spreading more love and peace in this world or there won't be a world.

As a matter of fact, I got my Free Hugs Project Free Hugs t-shirt so I am ready to get out in the world and spread the love.

No purpose to this rambling. But, just the need to get this out. It is dangerous territory for me to hold it in. And that is why I felt the need to put it all out there. This is exactly the type of stress that can lead me to bad thoughts. I am so grateful that I haven't been really tempted. Just a few stray thoughts that passed thru my brain. But, I know that there have been people that relapsed at 2 years or so. I need to be proactive and do what works for me to keep me going strong. And just coming back here and reading some of my posts helps. I've come a long way and I'm going to just continue taking it one step at a time. :heartbeat:

You are amazing Nora -- truly amazing -- and I know it's great to count your blessings - but sometimes it's alright to admit that life is throwing a lot at you at the moment - that's alright too... bottom line is -- there's not a lot you can do about lots of it - you are being so good to your mum and you can't do anymore than that.. and the job - you're so right -- I go in somedays to my job and I thank my lucky stars for such a wonderful job and colleagues -- and other days when things aren't so rosy I go in and remind myself that I work 40 hours a week for my bi-weekly pay cheque and if anything happens that's nice - that's a bonus.... I literally take it as I find it...
but you are coping with a lot and the bottom line TRULY is -- as long as Nora is sober - Nora can cope will all this -- and you will cope - you will look back and wonder HOW you coped -- but you will -- but if Nora loses her sobriety -- can you just imagine the mess?

You are a star -- a tip top wonderful star that I've followed around here for YEARS -- I try and be as understanding and kind as you are and fail miserably --
you're the best xxx

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

Hi, Nora:

I have heard of people relapsing at 10 years! That is scary to me, like you say, and it is a great step to take to get all of it out. I don't live a fearful life, but I do keep constant vigilance against the creeping threat of alcohol. I have a good, healthy fear.

I agree about the state of the world. I am so sad, and sometimes I do have to pinch myself to see if it is real. Sorry to say it is.

Glad your mom is stabilized, and I am sending you strength to deal with it all.

Thanks for posting,
XO
Pav

[Sunbeam]

Re: Nora's journey

Thank you for posting this update, and taking advantage of all the love and supported you have helped create here. You are strong!

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Thanks everyone. I just can't come up with words to express how much you mean to me. :heartbeat:
[MENTION=8529]mollyka[/MENTION] - you are so right about that. As long as I am sober, I can handle what comes my way. :hug:

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Funny, I was just looking back at a few posts. Boy, am I whiny! But, I guess if coming here and bitching is a tool to keep me sober then I'll keep doing it. :congratulatory: I just want to keep doing what I need to do. I have read that it's so important to keep using your tools even after you have a period of sobriety. One of my tools is pouring it all out here so here I go.

I have made the reservations to go up to Oregon in 3 weeks. My niece and I are going up. I am hiring movers and we are bringing back what I am keeping from Mom's house. This is something that needs to be done. I finally realized that I was going to have to get the ball moving so I did. I have so many mixed emotions about this. Sad to be up there doing this. Also so many good memories. Oh well. How lucky I am that I have all of this 'stuff' to bring home. So many good memories.

Work has been bad again. Funny looking back thru here that is a major issue. It is only when I remember to 'let it go' that I am happy there. Had another blow up 2 weeks ago. Huge blow up. Nothing changed. And, nothing will change. So, I am back to 'let it go'.....not important....deep breath.....etc. As long as I am able to take a breath and let it go, I'll be ok. See how long I can do it this time.
During the whole blow up, which turned into how stressed I am about my Mom! That pissed me off because she kept throwing that in my face - I am so stressed about my Mom that it's hard to say anything to me. When I told her that it is hard to ask her anything because of her attitude, she denied it. Everyone there knows the way it is. Even her cousin has mentioned it. At least I know that it's not all me. A friend told me on Wednesday that she was just sick of all this shit. So, I know it's not just me.
I am taking what she said to heart. I am trying to be aware of my attitude there. I realize that I get defensive with her attitude. I am trying to control my reaction to her attitudes. I am doing this for my own peace of mind. She is a type A - controlling personality. That is why she can run a company. Takes different types to make this world go round.

Things are stable with Mom. Such a brutal disease to take your mind. And the sad thing is that we are very lucky. So many other families have it so much harder. Mom still has so many skills that are usually gone. She's still able to eat. She can still speak. It's a slow killer. She sleeps the majority of the time. Hard to keep her engaged. Some days are better than others. I think that she has not been feeling well and doesn't know how to communicate that. She'll say that she's ok and sort of shrug. Hard to pinpoint what is hurting.
It is heartbreaking to be honest. She didn't understand Christmas. Even with the tree and all the decorations in the house for a month. She just didn't get it. :sad: She loved Christmas and decorating for Christmas. I miss my Mommy.

Hubby has been having high pain levels again. He needs to get back to the Doctor and get something for breakthru pain. He doesn't want to take vicodin or norco on a regular basis. But, he has got to have something when the pain gets this bad. I talk about the changes I have made in the past couple years. My husband has made huge strides in his outlook on life. He still gets the deep depression but not to the extent that he was before. He has been doing daily yoga for 4 years and it has changed his life. He keeps trying to get me off my ass to do it. I have been having so many issues with the fibromyalgia lately. Bad flare up for the past few weeks, legs hurting so bad that I was having a hard time getting around. Yoga would be very beneficial for me. I don't do New Years resolutions but I am going to try to start doing yoga.

I never thought that I would reach a point where alcohol was not on my mind. For me it was a constant voice from the moment I would wake up hungover in the early morning hours until I passed out again. Where was it, did I have enough, was I going to be able to sneak it....on and on. A little voice always talking to me.
That voice is gone. I never want to let that voice into my brain again. So, even though I might occasionally think of a glass of poison with rose colored glasses, I never want to drink it again.:thumbsup:

Happy New Year. Thank you MWO community for my life. :love:

[mollyka]

Re: Nora's journey

Wonderful post Nora and I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate - but to be navigating it all in true sobriety - my god that's fantastic - can you only imagine the mess everything would be with alcohol in the mix.
You are far far far from whiny or anything like that - the common sense coming here to your own thread to rationalise it all -- you are using MWO precisely how we all should - as a tool to help us - to open up to..
I wish you well for 2018 - and never ever feel you can't come and talk here - anywhere on the boards in fact...

Happy New Year lovely lady xxx

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

I really feel like I don't have much to say here. I keep checking in but am feeling flat. Lost a long post here earlier today.
But, I think that is exactly why I need to keep connected here. This is a signal to me that something is off and I better do a 'Nora' check.

I have been mentally beating myself up because I am so lazy. I just go to work and then come home and do nothing. Everyone else here has so much on their plates and handle it all so gracefully. I just don't know how everyone does it. But, I am tired of beating myself up so I'm going to start taking baby steps to try to improve. I've been doing a lot of reading for the past few days. I found some good stuff on Mr G's wonderful log.
5 minutes a day. I can do 5 minutes a day. And I am going to start doing that in a few areas in my life. Not a lot at first. Just introduce one thing - my daily Nora time of yoga/stretches. That's it - 5 minutes and if I can stretch it into longer then so much the better. But, at least I've done something positive.

After I have been so down on myself, I heard a good youtube blog by Prince Ea Selfish
I know it's all been said to us many times before. If we take care of ourselves, we'll be better able to take care of others.

Belle - Tired of Thinking about Drinking sent out a great e-mail today about not using the tools available to us to get sober.

You need to stop saying No.

You want to be sober
You want to build a life on being sober
You want to feel better
You want to stop drinking
You want to stay stopped

So, you’re going to stop saying No

Because the voice in your head that says
Drink Now

Is the same voice that will decline all offers
Of help or support or tools

So, when you read a list of things that you might do
That might help you be sober
Might help maintain your sobriety
Might help keep your sober car in the middle of the lane

You’ll read that list and you’ll say
No
Not doing that one, I don’t like that one, I tried that one
It won’t work for me
I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing

The voice in your head that says
Drink Now
Is the same voice that says
No
To help and support

So if somebody offers you a tool
An audio [a transcript]
A longer audio
A call
A class
A meeting
An appointment with your doctor

Whatever might be suggested or recommended

Try to catch yourself right before you think
No

And identify that it’s Wolfie

[NoSugar]

Re: Nora's journey

I have been mentally beating myself up because I am so lazy. I just go to work and then come home and do nothing. Everyone else here has so much on their plates and handle it all so gracefully

Nora, YOU are the person I think of when I feel overwhelmed by dealing with my mom or having extra family members staying here for periods of time. When I feel sorry for myself because it intrudes on my quiet "me" time, I remember the love and compassion you have for your mom who now lives with you. And you are your family's primary support in a job that is tough on you. All of this takes emotional energy and that can wear us out more quickly than physical work. You are NOT lazy. You are very gracefully living a life full of responsibility.

Adding in some stretching or yoga might enhance your energy so that would be great (my morning stretches, check in on MWO, and coffee is one of the "me" times I lose and miss when small boys are staying here :wink. But don't think you're doing less than you "should". Just try to add what you want and that feels good. You deserve it. xx

[Sunbeam]

Re: Nora's journey

Dearest Nora,
In spite of all you are dealing with, you aren’t drinking. That’s all that counts. You are entitled to sit in the evening, if that’s what it takes. But a little movement can also help you feel better, and enable you to do other things you like or want to do.

I always enjoy the opportunity to catch up with you when you post on your thread. I will never forget all the support you gave me when I needed it most.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

[MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] and [MENTION=5017]Sunbeam[/MENTION] - thank you both so much. :heartbeat:
I did take 20 minutes for me and was able to do a yoga youtube video. Trying to find something to help with the fibromyalgia leg pain and found a 'stiff leg' video. It felt nice to take a few minutes for me. :yay:

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

Hi, Nora:

I concur with what NS and Sunbeam said. You are a very strong person and take on SO much. I would call you anything but lazy.

I love G's idea of 5 minutes. For me it is 10 minutes of exercise. I can commit to that, and 90% of the time once I start I go on longer than 10 minutes. It helps get me up off my butt. And there are STILL days when I can't get off my butt...

Take care of yourself and give yourself a break. Think about if you had a child in your situation. How would you speak to her? I believe you would be more gentle, loving and supportive. Try talking to yourself like that - you deserve to love yourself as much as you would a child.

xo
Pav

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

[MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] - Thank you. :hug: You really made me think - You are right that I would be more gentle, loving and supportive of a child in this situation. I gues we forget to treat ourselves with the same kindness. Thank you.