Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Ah - thanks you all. :redface-new::redface-new: You all have stuck with me and propped me up more than you will ever know. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me. :heartbeat:

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Warning - just scroll on by. This is just something I need to get off my chest. Nothing to be fixed - problem is already solved. But, my anxiety went thru the roof. So, I just need to let it out.

My girlfriend's son is getting married in September. He & my son refer to each other as brothers from another mother. So, J&C and hubby & I all want to attend the wedding. I haven't seen my girlfriend in probably 8-10 years!

My brother (lives in Louisiana) but will be going to Oregon this summer to get work done on the house so we can rent it.
My niece (lives in California) works full time, daughter graduating high school in a couple weeks, son in high school.
I sent a text to both of them but directed towards my brother:
me: Hello. I'm hoping you can arrange to stay with mom for a week around Sept 22
brother: What's going on?
me: We are all going to a wedding in Reno. X is getting married. I don't know if niece will be able to. Otherwise I can try to find a facility that does respite care.
brother: Did you just find out the date? Trying to get an itinerary for Oregon, and I don't have any idea how long I'm looking at
me: I thought you were going to Oregon in July
brother: I didn't plan on waiting that late because of weather, but I don't want to be in the middle of something and have to leave and go back to finish.
me: Maybe niece can do it. Maybe other niece can fly out.
brother: I was considering the end of July into August, at the earliest. Leaning towards sometime in August, hopefully get everything done in about six weeks. We need to discuss options this weekend.

This all happened yesterday morning. And I was so upset. I started having an anxiety attack.
I talked to my niece this morning and she will stay with Mom. She actually had seen the text and had gotten very upset. But was waiting for her dad to step up. But, my niece will take off work again to help me out.
My brother called me today and first thing he said was that he thought his text didn't come off the way he meant it. I thought to myself thank goodness.
But, then he proceeded to spend over 5 minutes (I finally just cut him off) stating reasons why he can't do it. Maybe he will be able to but we should have something else in place. He was going to be so busy in Oregon, didn't want to have to stop & come here & go back. I said that I expected him to be flying here from Louisiana. I told him that I hated having to have his daughter take off work again. So, he brought up the respite care. I said that is taking Mom to a facility - I'm not having a stranger in my house for a week. (There is no way in the world, I would have some stranger come in here to take care of Mom and I would have no idea what they are doing to her!) So, he said - oh.....well, maybe a facility would be a good idea so we can see how she takes to it. I almost lost my shit at that point. I think my voice started shaking as I tried to calmly say. We would not be here to go visit, to see how she's doing. She would be in that strange place and we would be gone. He said, you don't think you'll be able to gage how she's doing after you get back? Seriously? I don't know how she is from 5 minutes ago. He just kept making excuses why it wouldn't be a good idea to depend on him.
Bottom line is that I'm doing the same thing that I always do. I'm putting my expectations on my brother. He is not going to behave the way I expect him to. The truth is that he doesn't want to be around her for the hard stuff - the commode, the confusion. He keeps bringing up that he's worried she's not going to remember him or know who he is. I've told him that she probably won't. She doesn't know who I am 3/4 of the time. I know he loves her. But, when my dad was so sick in icu - my brother couldn't deal with it. He is just a different type personality and I need to stop expecting him to behave a certain way.
Felt good to talk it out. I am so grateful that I don't drink. I'm able to get thru this thing we call life......
Let's Go Crazy

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Nora's journey

Oh darling Nora. It’s really hard to accept that family members can let us down. Unfortunately your brother will never step up to be the supportive person you want him to be because he just doesn’t have it in him. Is this the same one that has some really questionable (Shh – don’t mention politics) beliefs?

Anyway honey, you know you have done everything you can for your Mom and that’s all you can do. We’re all here for you, so vent any time. xxx

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

Sorry Nora!

I do like your analysis of the situation, though. My sister goes to Al Anon and one of the big sayings there is "Today's expectations are tomorrow's disappointments."

I'm not going to try to problem solve, except one thing. I have a parent with dementia, and I get the fear. September is a LONG time away. Maybe you could find an in-home care provider who could care for your mom WHILE your brother stayed in the house, too. That way he wouldn't have to do things like bathe here, and he could still keep an eye on quality control.

Stay strong!

Pav

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Pav - thank you for that idea. That is a great idea. And, I love that saying. Thank you. I'm writing it down.

Glassie - Yep, that's my brother. I think that his kids think he neglected mom while he lived with her. Actually, they have told me that. I've tried to explain to them that he did the best he could as the type of person he is. And, it only hurts me to hold on to resentment towards him. He & I are brother & sister but we will never be friends.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

My brother called. I had been expecting this call.

He was here visiting his daughter & family a couple weeks ago. I knew that my niece had been upset with him. Even had texted me one evening 'LOVE when my Dad gets drunk' and several inappropriate comments or items about his behavior. She was not speaking more than absolutely necessary at the baby shower for my son & DIL.

This morning, he finally wanted to know if I had talked to my niece. I said not since the baby shower. He doesn't know why she's upset. I told him that they both have the tendency to get mad and not tell the other person what is bothering them. That he should open up the conversation lines. He just said that if I know what it is, that he wishes I would tell him so that he has a heads up.
I told him again that he needed to open up the communication with her and that I didn't want to get involved. I did tell him that I assumed it had something to do with his drinking. He was quiet for a beat and then said well they all drank way more than I did.

On the morning of the baby shower, my niece & great niece were here but had left to go get balloons. My brother had come in and had a tall beer in a bag and was getting ready to open it when my niece drove back up. He quietly came in & put the bag in the fridge and didn't drink.
He has to know deep down that he said something. He said I just know she got all pissed off on Saturday night.
From what I understand, he was drunk and made some comments that I'm sure he meant as a joke and came off poorly. But, I think we all know that feeling of having drank too much. Waking up with that bad feeling but not really positive what happened. You feel sick - physically, mentally and spiritually. I can't take that away from him. I spent years & years waking up with that feeling.
So, he said he would give it another week and then try to contact her. Maybe he will build up a whole defense on why he drank so he can bombard her with reasons. :sad:

The truth is that I feel sorry for my brother. He comes across as such a sarcastic, rude, uncaring person. I know that his love is deep and he would do anything for his family. But, sadly, he is alienating all of his children. He lives with his son's family. I just spoke to them about it a couple weeks ago. He is inconsiderate. He doesn't get along well with either of his daughters.

But, the reality of the situation is that his kids are in their 40's. I can't fix the relationship they have with their Father.

I need to let this one go. I thought about trying to talk to him about drinking but we don't have that kind of relationship. He knows that I don't drink anymore.
He has seen the change in my behavior - the happiness, the gratitude.
Maybe he will choose that path.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Wow - exactly one month later and I am back with the same sadness regarding my brother.
He has 3 children and at this point, none of them like him very much. :sad: They probably love him but they don't like him very much.
Hke lives with his son & family - well, his DIL sat him down & had a long talk with him about his behavior and attitude especially with his grandkids. I guess he didn't have much to say and didn't talk to them much. She said that he decided to take the trip to Oregon right after that. He hadn't planned on leaving for another week or more.
He is here in So Calif right now. He is taking his daughter & family out to dinner. My niece was not happy about it all. She is done. We will see how it goes. I imagine I will get a text from her in a bit.

Just like I wrote a month ago. I must let this go. This is not my problem to solve. His DIL was telling me that since he has moved in they have seen a different side of him. I had to tell her that this is the only way that I have known him for 30 years.

I guess I'm feeling anxious because he will be coming over here tomorrow. Wondering how it's going to go and if he is going to bring any of this up. No sense in fretting about it. What will be will be.


And enough of that.....sometimes I just need to get it out somewhere and this is my place.

I have things to celebrate. I am going to focus on the positive & happy in my life. And that includes my beautiful new granddaughter.

[NoSugar]

Re: Nora's journey

[MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION], A few years ago I was really struggling with some family relationships that I couldn't 'fix'. [MENTION=11704]Byrdlady[/MENTION] gave me some great advice: I and the 2 people represent points on a triangle. I have some input on my relationship with each of them but I can't affect that line connecting them - that's their responsibility. I often picture a triangle like this one now when I find myself starting to try to manipulate other peoples' relationships. It's a good mental reminder to step back.



Now you have the happy time of building your relationship with your granddaughter :heart:!

[Rusty]

Re: Nora's journey

HEY NORA, I JUST REALIZED THAT TODAY YOU ARE 3 YEARS AF!!!!:thumbsup::sohappy::yay:CONGRATULATIONS AND SO HAPPY FOR YOU, DEAR FRIEND! THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BESTTHREAD LEADER EVER! LOVE U!!

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Not yet but getting there.......one step at a time.

Couple more days.

[Rusty]

Re: Nora's journey

OOOOOPPPSSSS!! I jumped the gun. Sorry!

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

[MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] - thank you for that. I kept that image in my head today. And, when my niece complained about her Dad - I didn't try to fix it. Then, tonight when my brother made a comment, I didn't engage. To be honest, it was a relief.

And, yes - I was busy building my relationship with my granddaughter.

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Well - here I am again. My online diary.

Found out that my cousin's husband passed away today. My heart just hurts for her and her kids. Her husband had brain cancer and fought it for 2 years but it was aggressive.
A cousin on the other side of the family is starting chemo next week. His brother passed away earlier this year. His sister, S, is the one that lost her FIL, BIL and daughter a couple years ago.
It's just strange the way life is. My Mom is going to be 91 on the 17th. Who knows why.

Just feeling melancholy I guess. Mom has faded so much in the past few months but she is still relatively healthy. But so weak and frail. And just mentally almost completely gone. Still has a few words.

My brother trolled me on facebook again. I just marked him as restricted on FB and if it happens again, I'm going to unfriend him. Every time he does it, I get so upset that I'm shaking. So, I just sent him an e-mail. I laid it all out. I asked him why he resented me. Wanted to hurt me. In many, many words of course. I did tell him that we are polar opposites and we don't need to discuss it. I said that I let him have his beliefs so why can't he let me have mine. I sent him a text that I had e-mailed him. No response. We shall see. My niece sent him a long e-mail detailing why she was upset with him. He never replied and has now stopped trying to call her. It will probably be the same thing here. Sigh.........

I am proud of myself for finally sending that e-mail (thank you Pauly for showing me the courage). People walk on eggshells around my brother. My nephew's wife sat him down and told him how things were a week before he left to go to Oregon. Actually, he left for Oregon a week earlier than he had planned. It is time for me to stand up for myself. I'm going to be 60 years old soon enough. It's about time.

But, in positive news. My granddaughter fills my heart with happiness and love. :heartbeat:

[Pavati]

Re: Nora's journey

Hi, Nora--

Just read back. I'm sorry about your brother. I come from a large and close family, and I think there were always expectations that my siblings and I would always be best friends. I really have trouble with one of my sisters. She is self centered and arrogant and I really have a hard time being around her. It took my letting go of trying to control her to just relax and enjoy the parts of her I like. We're not best friends and more or less communicate through another sister, and I guess that's ok.

I'm sorry for your brother. It does sound like he's hiding from admitting he drinks too much. I'm sure deep down he's jealous of your relationship with his kids. I admire your blocking him on FB and emailing him...

Enjoy your granddaughter! I keep telling my kids I'm ready, but they're only 19 and 16 and tell me I'll have to wait...

x
Pav

[NoraC]

Re: Nora's journey

Thanks Pav [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] . Yes, my brother & I are never going to be best friends. That's for sure.
You made me laugh about telling your kids you're ready for a grandchild. I had given up on my son ever wanting a baby. He is so in love with that little baby. He's going to want another one I'm sure. I had to wait until he was 31 years old to get my first one though. :rotlf: