You know how when you are in the thick of it that it's so hard to see that it's the alcohol that is preventing one's life from really moving forward? When people tell you that your life will be so much better if you don't drink, but all you know is that alcohol will take the pain away even for a bit? When there are a million other reasons for being stuck and when AL is nothing more than a way to cope? (or so it's easy to think this).
I think I've had a revelation that is becoming more clear to me. I've had this sense that my life will never change as long as I continue to drink, but now I know I will never get out of my current situation if I continue to drink. A bit about where I was and where I am now.
Six years ago I lived in a world class city and was making it. I had a great job, owned property in a place where most don't and there were so many things to do for fun that there was no way to fit everything in. It was a vibrant city and a beautiful place. Most importantly, I had friends! I left that place when my mental health was on the decline - when a coworker used my drinking against me in an effort to ruin me and he succeeded. I haven't had a job like that since.
Fast forward six years later. I sit in a house day after day doing the same thing over and over - listening to political talk radio, cleaning a house that never gets clean, gaining weight, no job, no friends, nothing to do here for fun. I am really bored here. Oh, and did I mention drinking? Yup, drinking is the only way I cope with being here (or is it that the drinking has kept me doing the same thing over and over?) Now I can see that, just like a former relationship that ended recently (I'd been involved with someone on and off over the past three years who was verbally and emotionally abusive), the wine kept me in that and the delusion that somehow things could be different. I am finally free of the chains that kept me in that. What happened recently, the two week bender, finding all of you here in this supportive and non-judgmental community, even getting in a few days AL free - I can finally see him for who he is and, more importantly, who he never was.
If I continue to drink, I will just grow old here sitting in a house, with no life, no friends. Just me and the bottle of wine.
I share all of this to get it out, to further strengthen what insight I do have, and resolve to being AL free. Indeed, as long as I continue to drink I'll be trapped in this forever. I may not know where I'm going, but somehow I sense that if I just give up the AL, there awaits some place - some vibrant place with shimmery shiny beauty in which I can finally feel centered and like I belong.
Thanks for providing me a place to share this and thanks for reading.
Oh, and sorry for the length! It's just that I wake up at times and feel like I've gone through "something" and if I don't grab onto it right then and there, it'll just recede into whatever my brain does at night and I'll never make any progress.
I think I've had a revelation that is becoming more clear to me. I've had this sense that my life will never change as long as I continue to drink, but now I know I will never get out of my current situation if I continue to drink. A bit about where I was and where I am now.
Six years ago I lived in a world class city and was making it. I had a great job, owned property in a place where most don't and there were so many things to do for fun that there was no way to fit everything in. It was a vibrant city and a beautiful place. Most importantly, I had friends! I left that place when my mental health was on the decline - when a coworker used my drinking against me in an effort to ruin me and he succeeded. I haven't had a job like that since.
Fast forward six years later. I sit in a house day after day doing the same thing over and over - listening to political talk radio, cleaning a house that never gets clean, gaining weight, no job, no friends, nothing to do here for fun. I am really bored here. Oh, and did I mention drinking? Yup, drinking is the only way I cope with being here (or is it that the drinking has kept me doing the same thing over and over?) Now I can see that, just like a former relationship that ended recently (I'd been involved with someone on and off over the past three years who was verbally and emotionally abusive), the wine kept me in that and the delusion that somehow things could be different. I am finally free of the chains that kept me in that. What happened recently, the two week bender, finding all of you here in this supportive and non-judgmental community, even getting in a few days AL free - I can finally see him for who he is and, more importantly, who he never was.
If I continue to drink, I will just grow old here sitting in a house, with no life, no friends. Just me and the bottle of wine.
I share all of this to get it out, to further strengthen what insight I do have, and resolve to being AL free. Indeed, as long as I continue to drink I'll be trapped in this forever. I may not know where I'm going, but somehow I sense that if I just give up the AL, there awaits some place - some vibrant place with shimmery shiny beauty in which I can finally feel centered and like I belong.
Thanks for providing me a place to share this and thanks for reading.
Oh, and sorry for the length! It's just that I wake up at times and feel like I've gone through "something" and if I don't grab onto it right then and there, it'll just recede into whatever my brain does at night and I'll never make any progress.
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