Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

[Changed1]

Good morning! (or good evening to those across the pond!)

I am wondering if you have experienced this and how you deal with it. The longer I go without drinking, the more unacceptable certain things become. At times this scares me right back into drinking, as I don't know how to deal with the changing dynamics that occur in relationships. It's like I wake up and see I've been treated like crap and that it's unacceptable, yet I don't know how to change things or I am resistant to letting certain people out of my life and replacing them with healthier people.

This has happened on the job and with close friends. When I stop drinking I realize that certain things are very unhealthy and I've put up with them. Then I am stuck with this realization and don't know what to do. So I do nothing except sit and think about this stuff and it's only a matter of time before I pick up a drink to make it acceptable to accept certain things and then back to the same.

Am I explaining this ok? Does this make sense? Can anyone relate?? If so, does this happen to you and how do you deal with it?

Frustrated here. To add, I guess you'd call me a doormat, not pretty, but true. As an example, I recently sent a friend a present. While I thought it was a nice thing, no doubt she doesn't think it's enough. I've not heard from her and have no intention of picking up the phone. Then there is this guy who stood me up completely without a phone call, yet I've been nice to him and even invited him over to go swimming tomorrow. He tells me it was no big deal, but it was a big deal. The truth is I don't want to see him and see no reason why I should put up with that behavior. But if I eliminate all of the people who have irked me, who will be left? There has been a lot of drinking going on with both of these people in my life and part of me says...well, maybe there is a reason that the drinking and these people have gone hand in hand and maybe when not drinking I'll just have to move on. At times it's easier just to drink. Shrug.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

I think I understand.

I have kind of a similar situation, but with my husband. He doesn't treat me badly or anything, but the problem is he doesn't do anything with me. He prefers to do things alone or just sit there and watch TV. We haven't had a real conversation in a long time (I feel as though I'm annoying him if I try), and we never go out anywhere together anymore. He's always been the quiet type, but we used to have a much better relationship.

This "problem" didn't really bother me before, because I was numbed by alcohol -- which possibly had something to do with his "distance" in the first place, so I am not saying I have no blame in this, although I didn't drink much around him and was functioning happily at all times. And he often has a beer or two in the evening himself. So, who knows the real "why" behind it. But I don't feel that I really have a right, at this time, to "complain" about it.

So, I have simply been trying to change for the better for the past two months. My drinking was unacceptable, and I am trying to be a better, healthier person... And his behavior is also unacceptable and it will have to change as well if this is going to work .... I'm NOT going to go back to drinking just to "accept" it -- and neither should you .... But I also know I also have to be patient, and that I can't expect him to change right along with me, at the same pace .... So, I'm going to give him some time, and just keep on trying to be nice and try to incorporate some gentle changes ...... and hope for the best.

....... Maybe that technique will work for you and your friends, too? ... Gentle "nudges" here and there, that can build into a larger change. Overall, something has to be done. We both know that, don't we? Yes, we do!

Hope all goes well.... Sobriety comes with little "complications", I'm finding. But we can get past them and make things better. I'm sure we can.

[brittzak]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Changed.....time to make new friends...healthy ones. You could go through life drunk and being treated like shit....what a horrible life. I myself would rather be alone for a short period than live that life. You won't be alone for long. As you learn to live in your sober world you WILL gain confidence in yourself. You already are as you do realize this behavior in unacceptable and don't like it, right? Your friend is ungrateful and your male companion...frankly...he is unworthy of your attention. Buy yourself a gift...and find a new male friend. You will enjoy the gift and honey there are plenty of fish in the sea. MANY MANY MANY of us relaize old friends don't move on with us into our new lives. Don't pickup a drink...pickup a sober friend!

[DeeBee]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

I can relate!

I read an article this morning about my 5th Chakra (all very new to me) but what did resonate with me in the article was how if my 5th Chakra was blocked then I couldn't speak my truth.

Here is the paragraph I'm talking about....
The throat area, between the 5th and 6th cervical vertebrae, where the thyroid and parathyroid glands are situated, symbolically and on an unconscious level, represents creativity, communication (as in speaking your truth) and symbolic thinking. Blocked mental and emotional issues in this area include the inability to express your innermost thoughts and feelings, your true creativity; talking too much without saying anything meaningful or skimming the surface, afraid of silence, telling lies, holding secrets that you consider too shameful to share. Blocks in this area often manifest as unconscious shadows in alcoholism or drug abuse in families where tribe members aren't allowed to be who they are, or speak their truth (we deny our feelings, we don't listen to each other, trust or talk our truth and innermost beliefs). Alcohol and other drugs become a temporary means to divert thoughts and feelings stuck in the throat, to body cells where they become embedded in cell memories. The only way to release these are through thinking, feeling and speaking your truth.

If you are interested in reading the rest of the article, here is the link.....
Odyssey Magazine

I hope it helps

[brightlite]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Hi Changed,

Yes in my short stints of being AF, drinking friends really annoyed me. Also, I'm sure your drinking friends are in their own AL hell. They may not even realize their faults. Maybe they can't be more interactive with you because they are thinking so lowly of themselves especially if they know that you are trying to go AF. That is a sore subject for a drinker and most don't want to be around someone that is really giving it a good try. Kind of spoils their fun.

Just a thought.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Changed1;676354 wrote: But if I eliminate all of the people who have irked me, who will be left?

I missed your last paragraph earlier ... I just wanted to say that you don't have to limit yourself to the friends who are already there ... If you can't change them, try not to worry about it, and move on ..... You can and will make new ones ... just put yourself in a position to do so, and let it happen.

Now .. I just have to take my own advice.

[rubywillow]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

You have the power to choose what type of life you want to live. I was the same way, in many respects, but I feel SO empowered now that I stand up for myself. I LOVE myself, and I deserve to be treated with respect. So do you.

[Lavande]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Hi Changed1,

I understand what you're talking about, I've been dealing with the same things.
I have systematically, one by one, eliminated the toxic friends and relatives in my life! I always thought they were 'unhealthy' to be around, now I KNOW they are! Everything changes when you suddenly gain a clear view & perspective. I am determined to stay on my clear path and if these people don't fit in, they don't fit in.........that's all there is to it!
I've been spending a good bit of time renewing old hobbies and interests that disappeared while I was living in an alcoholic blur.
Finding new friends and relative replacements takes time but is doable. You really need to be your own cheerleader - do what's right & good for you!
You deserve to be happy in every way possible, don't forget that

[Changed1]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Well, everyone, it's good to know that a lot of us struggle with the same issues. And I know that while drinking seems easier than to do the work required, that is a short term solution to a long term problem. Seems easier in the short run but much harder and more damaging in the long run.

I guess as we move forward in new AF lives, it's inevitable that new things will pop to the surface. Some of these will be unpleasant. Some of these things will have to be dealt with. It's just the in-between time, the time between leaving others behind and finding new friends that can be tough. Thanks for all of your thoughts!

[brittzak]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

It is a BRIEF time Changed! You will see. Fill that time with getting to know you again. I bet you like yourself....pamper the new you alittle. Get a new hairdo...get a pedicure. Workout...lay in the park and read a book.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Brit, great advice there. One thing I'm doing for ME - something I've always wanted to do but didn't / coudn't because alcohol was ruling my life - is taking evening courses. This September, I'm going to take one or two ... probably a business course and maybe a craft course. Just thing's I'm interested in. Things for ME. Bet it would be a nice way to make new friends too!

[Changed1]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Cat, I agree and Brit thank you. Liking myself might be a bit much at this point, but I am working on it.

I decided this a.m. I am taking 90 days out just for me. I am going to tell that guy this - that I won't see him for 90 days. Maybe it will turn out to be longer or forever. Even though he thinks my feelings are not valid and that I am wrong to have them, I am setting a boundary here. For 90 days I am just going to work on me and getting my house in order (with the occasional resume and job application thrown in, as it's a reality I need a job, but I do get down due to my age and the economy.) Meanwhile, I volunteer.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Changed, that sounds like a great thing to do for yourself. Wonderful decision.

And go ahead and like yourself .. focus on your positives .. You are a smart, caring, wonderful person who wants to be happy ... If those aren't likeable qualities, I don't know what are! ..... Even if you can't see it, other's know it .. so believe that it's true.... It's easy to see all the way from NS!

[rubywillow]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Cat, are you from Nova Scotia? So is my Aunt!

[Guitarista]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Hiya Changed.
That bloke who stood you up, didn't ring, and thought it wasn't a big deal? Well, that is disrespectful, and he's an idiot. You will just have to bite the bullet on this stuff, and follow your nose. You know what's right, and what's not so right. Yip, you will endure a transitional period, but i'm sure you'll be busy working on you, and getting yourself healthy, and what a beauty you of course already are, but think of the real you that is surfacing...WOW! Just live your life the way you want to, go in your own necessary direction/path, and all will be revealed. Get out there, and involved in life, and your community, and live, breath, enjoy. You will soon attract lot's of new friends, once you take care of you first, and get out there and mix it up.....
Wild and free, no chains, is really where it's at.
Best wishes, and Bravo!!