Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

[rubywillow]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Manners are not about class, putting on airs, etc. Manners, politeness, are about our respect for ourselves and the people we allow into our lives. I know the younger society disregards the old standards we expected, but they are not about pretense or class, they are about respect, consideration, thoughtfulness. If we allow people in who do not possess ANY of these traits, we cannot expect anything in return but betrayal and inconsideratation. DON'T SETTLE. There are still civil people out there, and as for me, if there weren't, I'd rather be alone. Put yourself above all this. You have to do it first, for others to follow. Be worth admiration, respect. DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT!

[Changed1]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Thanks all. You are such smart people, wonderfully supportive, and oh so kind. Oprah says we teach people how to treat us and I believe it's true. Time to stop being a doormat and stand up for me. Yes, this is coming later in life, but better late than never. I guess I am kind of taking it easy these days and not expecting too much. It's better to be this way, as it's less stressful and I don't need to drink over "stuff." Anyway, great to be AF today. Lazy day, but still great to be AF.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Changed ...... Oprah has a lot of things right, and that (showing people how to treat us) - IMHO - is one of them.)

Ruby ..... I'm in NS ... The Halifax-Dartmouth area, to be exact. *waving to your aunt* ...

[rubywillow]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Good enough, sweets!!

[Tulipe]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Hi Changed, and Cat,
Changed my heart goes out to you. It is terrible to feel that people don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, especially when you go out of your way to do special things for them and they don't appreciate it. Drinking numbs the pain, but I think you have realized that in the long run numbing the pain is not the best option.
Have you ever asked yourself how and why you get into these patterns? Are you afraid to put your foot down? What are you afraid of if you put your foot down? Have you ever stood up for yourself and then felt really good afterwards? I can relate - my fear of abandonment and rejection has put resulted in my putting myself in bad relationship situations countless times. Finally I realized that I am happier doing things on my own than being with yucky people. After a while of planning things on my own, I found that some of the people who weren't interested before want me to tell them what's going on. But it's very hard at first. Feels like a huge hole, a big risk, but well worth it to establish new patterns.

Cat I can related to your husband's actions too. After 15 years of marriage, I feel like mine doesn't even see me. That sounds so cliche, no? But he doesn't smile when he's home, he disappears into his computer, and on weekends we often take turns doing things with the children so that the other can be alone, ie not with each other. What a plop. I drank to relieve myself of the boredom and lonliness. He hated me for it, but now I've stopped drinking alone and getting drunk at the house. He tries, and is supportive, but it's more like well that's what I should have been doing anyway, and he drinks every night too, but never to excess on weekdays.
Do you go out to dinner together? Maybe it takes getting away from home to spark a conversation. When you do talk, is he nice to you? Does he care about your problems? I usually feel that since he is the main breadwinner, that my problems are so worthless and meaningless compared to his that I don't even have a right to talk about them. I hope you have better thoughts.

[42cat]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Thanks, Tulipe. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with problems at home. Ha - we went out for lunch a couple of weeks back and didn't talk about anything. Weird. He is civil to me though .. I mean, he's not "mean". Hopefully things will improve as time goes by.

Thanks so much for your understanding. Much appreciated.

[Kimberley]

Things that were acceptable are no longer acceptable...what to do?

Hi Changed. This is kinda a familiar story to me too, although slightly different. I am now finding it hard to make people around me accept that I am different and have different standards of behaviour.

Without going into detail I would allow a lot of my male friends to have their wicked way with me if I was in the mood (cringe) -sometimes even when I had a partner (seriously ashamed now)- and some of these friends don't understand that is not the case any more.

I know, I know you will say they weren't/aren't real friends, but they kind of are. Some of them have seen me through times I daren't even go into, have nursed me through withdrawals, and one of them is my oldest friend.

It's so hard to say to them 'er, I don't do that f'd up stuff anymore', because they kind of just expect it of me.

Actually it's the same with a lot of my behaviours - people don't understand what I will and won't do anymore. It's my fault, I know, but I find it excrutiating to tell people they are out of line. I just can't do it. So I've started 'avoiding' certain people, saying I'm busy etc. I wish I could deal with it!