A lover in distress

[Doggygirl]

A lover in distress

hippie37;680711 wrote: It's often said of addicts/alcoholics that we are lovers in distress; that we want to give and receive love but are incapable because of our addiction.

My idea of love has been very misguided in the past and often I've mistaken sex for love. The ultimate act of love being that sexual intimacy between two people. Love for me has come from a very insecure and needy place which has been unhealthy and very manipulating in the past.

xx

Phil, I'm still trying to figure out the sober and real side of love. But you sure struck a chord with me in terms of how I've been in addiction.

(and LOL on the song, Limers!)

DG

[gyco]

A lover in distress

yo hipster

hippie37;680711 wrote: It's often said of addicts/alcoholics that we are lovers in distress; that we want to give and receive love but are incapable because of our addiction.

My idea of love has been very misguided in the past and often I've mistaken sex for love. The ultimate act of love being that sexual intimacy between two people. Love for me has come from a very insecure and needy place which has been unhealthy and very manipulating in the past.

Believe me I have a lot more to post on this! but I'd like to hear some of your own thoughts. How do you perceive love?

Who's game for it?

Peace and LOVE!
Phil
xx

yo hippie,love and sex,four children later,an still i have a wife,i was asked tht same question when i was young,didnt have a clue,after living with the finest lady in the world,33 years,by the way she aint perfect either,i remember my vows very clearly,most forget them,sickness and in health,i beleive most leave,now there trying youth in asia or what ever its called,going thro all the shite and still being able to go on with life,to me is true love,but how could we no that back then,have to love yourself,b4 you can truly love someone else,good luck to you hipster gyco

[Popeye]

A lover in distress

brightlite;680741 wrote: So....it is better to love and lost then to have never loved at all!

Is the pain of heartbreak worth the experience of being in love?
Do the good memories that we hold outweigh the bad?
It might depend on whether we are loved in return, or just been tried and tested to see if we make the grade, and then if not, discarded like an old, tear-filled tissue.
To love and have the other love you too, entirely and without condition; wishing only your happiness and thereby gaining their own, must be the ultimate. A love that does not bind the other or try to change them, but sets them free and appreciates that which is found to be wonderful, yet accepts any flaw and forgives any honest mistake. This kind of love would last after death.
Failed love has many causes. One finding the other deficient in some area and not accepting this lack. It has conditions and if they are not met then it's over. Sometimes, our ego won't let us see that we share the blame for a failed relationship and bitterness ensues.
I refuse to be bitter. Tainting good memories to salve my conscience?
Blame?
Why?

Is it better to have loved and lost?
For me, yes.

[mario]

A lover in distress

Great thought provoking post phil, For me i am still very much learning what love is,as i said in my story i had everything materialistically and i had love shown to me but was to blind to see it, but i surely didn't understand it, even to love myself.I now feel i am in love with the people that matter in my life and also have a great inner feeling, is that love ?. I suppose i am only new to this love thing,But i am learning more about it through life every day.

[Gold]

A lover in distress

Big subject!

It is written in many places, and it is my belief, that the only true power in the universe is love. The energy of love rather than the idea of love.

I think a good deal of the human race is unable to give and receive love outside of their trusted circle so to speak. It is because we are afraid and also sense that the majority of people are masking their true selves, and so we do the same. I think addicts/alcoholics are frequently very sensitive people and so more easily hurt until we find our inner self and our power.

I notice more than ever that many people experience unconditional love through their pets, pets accept us for who we are and love us no matter what. That is how we are with our children too, there are exceptions as we know.

Being truly spiritual is to recognise the inherent goodness in all people and all things, that we are connected and if we cause hurt to another then we are hurting ourselves too. That doesn't mean to say that people do not do bad things or that we should put up with being treated badly. Who is to say that the murderer is not in some way preventing a similar act by his or her example.

Sex can be an expression of love and also not. I feel that love is something freely given without concern for any return, it comes from the heart and not from an idea in the head. We have to begin by loving ourselves. I wish I could say I fully live by my words

[42cat]

A lover in distress

Tip .. the love that comes with having kids is amazing, isn't it. To love someone THAT much .. unconditionally and wholly ... and it just "happens" ... It makes me smile!

Adult love can be so much more complicated .... If I had more time, I could write a long post (a long post? me? Nooooo. lol) on my feelings on that one .. and probably not even get to a "conclusion" ... It's a hard one to get your head around sometimes, especially when you're dealing with other factors, such as alcohol or other things that get in the way.

[sosad61]

A lover in distress

limers;680719 wrote: you know I love both of you...

but I couldnt, COULDNT help myself..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGPb7qL-Sck[/video]]YouTube - Joe Jackson - Fools in Love

I prefer this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C-xazgqpPc[/video]]YouTube - Joe Jackson - "Breaking Us in Two" Music Video

[brightlite]

A lover in distress

It's true...we are all a sensitive bunch, aren't we?

[Theme2be]

A lover in distress

This is a "lovely" thread~

My experience with "Love" has been abundant with separation. So, when I hear of how many found real Love through their children, it brings some personal understanding to my own struggles with finding what is called "true Love" for I never had children.

I sometimes feel we treat, respond and resonate to others based on how we deeply feel about our own selves.
This guides my thoughts to such a curiosity of that Love you experience when you have children. I instantly interpret it as the reflection you see in their eyes is who you truly are. You are innocence, you are a reflection of what is tender and spectacular.
Little kids stop me in my tracts sometimes when I especially see them with their parent.
Such dependency(unlike we all have known and suffered with). It is the truest trust.

It is the quality of the essence that causes me to "feel" this is real "love" for it "feels" accurate, authenic, enduring and I bond to its presence.
As an animal lover, mostly experiencing being involved in a Basset Hound rescue program, I would call my last "boy", the love of my life. Douglass, a 14 year old to his last breath angel.
When alcoholism hit me it affected his life to and this little old guy would not leave this earth when his body was done. The Vet who was putting him down, said she had not seen this in all her years. Douglass' heart would not stop after the dose of the elixor she administered. She told me, as I held him, that I had to reassure him and for him to "let me go".
My Mom's dog Lucky use to climb on top of me and frantically lick my mouth(maybe yuck to some of you) and I know feel he was trying to get some of the poison out.
The Love was egoless, it was not in thought form.

The relatives I have been dealt with another story. Animals of another breed.
I have no experience with Father ever showing "affection". Mother is a cold fish, as well , unless in the public eye and then she is smoochy/ gooey/ motions.
I often say my intent is to show them Love as best.
By that I challange myself to let them see reflections of all the elements I wish to see reflected towards me.
Acceptance is a nice start.
I believe if we feel loved and we feel we are loving we are accepting some precious soul just as they are.

I can look at that elderly couple passing and see their hands engaged, pressed together with such a tenderness and that is music to me. I am seeing Love engaged. One may have had a stroke, or the other with "some" disability and you can see only pure relation in their body language.
Maybe that is what Love is, it is its own language. It is a combination of many energies and elements and essences that require a qualification of WORTH.

Is Love a value?

In art, the value is a relation to the Light against the dark.
In music it is the relative to a tone.
A quality, an implication of excellence and desirability. All to bring an outcome of experience.
Is Love a relation ship that is relative to your sense of being desired, or needed?

Usefullness.
I often say I feel most complete when I am in a dynamic when my personality and abilities are of an asset to another for the positive.
If I don't feel any value or usefullness then I often feel "unloved".

I don't know if I feel Loved here, but, I feel valued.
The levels of esteem to one another and emotional responses, for or against, all in a balance of respect is a force to reckon with .

I see you, individually as a implication of excellence with an importance, a fullness of spirit that is grandure incarnate.
Beautiful actually/factually and so authenic.

With Love~

[Theme2be]

A lover in distress

I am sorry.

There is no response and I took too much apace.

i want the misery to unfold and then We can be with family.

[mario]

A lover in distress

We all know how wonderful it feels to be told we are loved. As children,however,some of us seldom heard this, And as adults we may have been in relationships that didn't nurture us, We too may have trouble telling other people how much we care, So often we imitate the very behaviors we have grown accustomed to, even if they are self-defeating.
We are learning through this community and supports that we can develop new behaviours, we are also learning to be patient with ourselves as it might be taken longer to learn than anticipated, Old patterns are not easily broken,Fortunately we are surrounded by wonderful friends and caring supports who will help us to work on the behaviours we want to change,Through this new life we are learning that the main lesson involves learning how to give & receive love, initially we may have to act as if we love others,we may have to force the words, But we will grow comfortable with loving others. Share your love with a friend or relative today,Your need to give love may exceed the other persons need to receive it

[Popeye]

A lover in distress

I've been thinking about the assertion that we are incapable of giving and receiving love because of our addiction.
I don't think so.
When things were going well I'd drink and when they were going badly I'd drink too. There was rarely a reason, just an excuse.
Alcohol does complicate the issue immensely though. Insecurities become magnified and left their imprints and shadows of doubt about both my own and the other's motives and actions to be analysed and pondered over. I've heard a lot about having an 'addictive personality', but that's a concept I find hard to pin down. Separation from alcohol and cigarettes can be very distressing for a while, but we get over it eventually. Or do we, as sometimes in a failed relationship, find a place where we manage to do without that which we would really want? Does 'true love' only exist in the first few years when, as SK rightly points out our pheromones are fully active and good honest lust is still an earthmoving factor, or does it only begin when we enter the stage of simply staying to enjoy each others hearts and souls? It's a very deep subject indeed.
Being on my own I suppose that I have failed, but it's all relative. It has compensations which I'm learning to enjoy. Exploring other, neglected areas of life is proving to be great fun, and who knows what the future holds?

Theme2be,
Your post was beautifully expressed and very thought provoking.
Thank you.
And where's the man who instigated this discussion?

[brightlite]

A lover in distress

Popeye...you have a great attitude. Exploring neglected areas of life can be FUN which I never did when I was in a relationship. We are not failures....we just have not met the Ying to our Yang and when we are drinking it makes it extremely hard to figure out ourselves let alone who we should be looking for as a companion. You never know what will happen as you explore your neglected areas of your life. And, noone else can provide happiness for you..you must provide that for yourself.

Also, Theme2b that was a great post.