Getting worse, not better

[Changed1]

When I first arrived at MWO I was so hopeful. This place is still as great as it was when I first arrived. Only I have changed now and for the worse. Drinking even a couple of days throws things off. But when I stop I feel like I am going crazy, so I drink again. It's not alcohol withdrawal, as I've been there a thousand times. This is different. This feels like the psych ward is in my future.

I am beyond frustrated at this point. This a.m. the thought of just checking out crossed my mind. This isn't in Need Help! section, as I promised myself I would never do so as long as my parents are alive. They are still alive. I just feel like I am running out of options and each day seems worse. The meds I take do nothing. So I drink and screw up on the meds. I just remain depressed to the point where a drink is the only thing that provides relief, no matter how short lived. I've started to go to bed at 8:30, as I prefer sleep to being awake. Last night I slept over 10 hours, which isn't like me. I just feel so trapped and like NOTHING is going to help. I've gone to AA, gone to SMART, gone to Women for Sobriety, gone to LifeRing, gone to six or seven rehabs, have been seeing a shrink for over five years, countless therapists, depression groups, a bipolar group and even a women's abuse group. I keep trying. My poor mother is worried about me and she has enough on her plate with my dad who has Alzheimers. He'll be 94 this month. She'll be 88 in a month. I need to go visit soon, but just don't feel like I can manage it. I keep making plans to get out of my house, only to cancel at the last minute. I don't even feel like I can be around "normal people" these days. The only thing I can be consistent about is volunteering because it's only for two hours and I get out of myself. However, that may be hard at some point too. House is a disaster, don't even care. Well, I do, but not enough to do anything about it.

Anyway, I just need to vent. I haven't gone on the MWO program; maybe I should, even though it's getting to the point where I don't know that anything will help. I am grateful, however, that I am not alone in this struggle, even if everyone I seem to really be honest with about all this stuff happens to be in cyberspace. Thanks for letting me share.

[savon19]

Getting worse, not better

OMG - are you ME?? I have to PM you...

[Boss.man]

Getting worse, not better

Changed, I hate to say it, but those are mostly just symptoms of drinking.

After the "buzz" has passed, alcohol leaves your system low in key neurotransmitters and energy. It makes you depressed. When you drink, you get a new buzz, but it isn't as good a buzz as the first time. This is because your "baseline" has moved down. If your drinking times are spaced closer together than about 7 days, baseline has no time to recover. So it just continues lower and lower. A person ends up being clinically depressed all the time, except at the very peak of a buzz.

For me, it was like living in a ditch or a canyon. I thought I had tried and rejected all the possibilities. I thought I was a failure, there was no options, and no solution. It was only when I dried out that I realized that my entire world had shrunk down to almost nothing. I realized that all that time it was just the alcohol byproducts messing up my brain, and not me.

It's just chemicals. I urge you to keep trying.

[Changed1]

Getting worse, not better

Boss.man;681323 wrote: Changed, I hate to say it, but those are mostly just symptoms of drinking.

After the "buzz" has passed, alcohol leaves your system low in key neurotransmitters and energy. It makes you depressed. When you drink, you get a new buzz, but it isn't as good a buzz as the first time. This is because your "baseline" has moved down. If your drinking times are spaced closer together than about 7 days, baseline has no time to recover. So it just continues lower and lower. A person ends up being clinically depressed all the time, except at the very peak of a buzz.

For me, it was like living in a ditch or a canyon. I thought I had tried and rejected all the possibilities. I thought I was a failure, there was no options, and no solution. It was only when I dried out that I realized that my entire world had shrunk down to almost nothing. I realized that all that time it was just the alcohol byproducts messing up my brain, and not me.

It's just chemicals. I urge you to keep trying.

Boss.man. I will keep trying. I went for almost three weeks without a drink not too long ago (on a cocktail with the latest and greatest anti-depressant) and just sank. My Dr. said it should have worked. I was once AF for six months and THEN had psychiatric problems. That was my first experience with panic disorder and I was not drinking a drop.

I guess I am a bipolar 1 depressive. So he says. What I should do is go off the mood stabilizer and have some fun with the energizer I take. That threw me into a mania but at least I got something done! I am so tired of meds. At times I think they are making me crazy.

[Changed1]

Getting worse, not better

savon19;681321 wrote: OMG - are you ME?? I have to PM you...

Yes, feel free.

[savon19]

Getting worse, not better

Bossman - as usual.. you contribute SO much! Just had to say...

[Marshy]

Getting worse, not better

Hi changed1,

It sounds very frustrating. The positive thing that jumps out at me from you post is your enjoyment of voluntary work, and that it helps you "get out of yourself". That whole distraction thing, and focusing on something other than drinking/not drinking is crucial. I know the value of support groups, but they do after all focus on the issue of drinking, whereas doing some satisfying work makes us focus on something else. Could you do some more of that, maybe?

Edit: Also, it might be the last thing you feel like doing but exercise is another great therapy. It's been a huge help to me in staying sober and I never thought it would be - I'm not a "natural" exerciser but it's very important to me now.

[42cat]

Getting worse, not better

(( Changed )) ... I can relate to your arrival at MWO and being hopeful, then only to not make much progress ... You are a lot like ME in that regard.. I've been here for a couple of years (a few actually; I was a name before this one but can't remember - because I was drunk probably).

In all that time, even though I wasn't making much progress AL-wise, I guess I was learning about AL and about myself ... and I think that's what might be happening with you now.... I mean, even though you're still drinking the same or worse, you are thinking "differently" ... and that "new thinking" is going to take you somewhere.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...sts-34918.html

Changed ... .... Keep up the fight ..... I can't recall if you mentioned, but have you tried any meds, or supplements? ... Might be worth a go, if you haven't given them a shot. That aside ....Just keep on being here and thinking and learning about AL and yourself .... And keep doing things that you enjoy, and add to them ...... Good things will come ... I know they will.

I drank a quart of rum / vodka a day starting at breakfast .. If I can break away, I know you can.

[Boss.man]

Getting worse, not better

Changed what helps me most now is breathing exercises I can do anytime. Also meditation videos. I'm about the last person to do "new age" cures. I'm about as bah-humbug as you can get. But I had a therapist suggest it, and it really works.

Here's a page on breathing. You can do one of these when you are anxious. Do this when you wake up at night. Also, it is good to do it on the hour every hour if you have a chiming clock to remind you. Concentrate on taking just five nice slow full breaths intentionally, and then relax and breath deeply five more breaths. Then go back to what you were doing. Do this every hour.

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil

Here's a video. I watch this nearly every day. I know it so well now, I can recall it whenever I feel low, and it helps me feel better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXGwhjUQzrY[/video]]YouTube - Affirmations

This are some videos on meditation. You can look up "meditation", "hypnosis", "sleep meditation" on youtube. Also check out the related videos. Half are garbage, but there are some real jewels up there. This only takes five minutes, twice a day is good for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_xEGLueiLM[/video]]YouTube - Mindfulness Meditation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfeVgL-7W9c[/video]]YouTube - RELAX meditation video with ocean waves

I haven't really stopped "escaping". I've just replaced alcohol with a different form of escape. I don't think I'll ever stop being addicted. But I think I can channel those same impulses in a direction that doesn't leave my brain in "depression stew". In the last few weeks I've had some moments of childlike joy. Just a mood that hits, and I feel wonder and amazement in the world, and pleasure to be a part of it. It's still very fleeting, but I'm working on pursuing that feeling. These videos are key to my own path to unlocking that part of myself.

And I have confidence it's in you too, and everyone here.

[brightlite]

Getting worse, not better

Changed,

I agree with Marshy, you must find things to distract yourself. Exercise is one of the best ways. Take a walk...anything to get the oxygen flowing and try to think positive thoughts, anything besides the drinking vs. not drinking.

Boss Man, thanks for the Daily Affirmations, I too now watch them every morning. The music that plays sticks in my head all day long. I also completely understand about the fleeting moments of joy.
Lots of times, I'll be so wrapped up in my thoughts and then all of a sudden, something will lift and I will feel hope or joy or both and then I think...wait... things are not soooo bad and then try to think about all the positive things in my life.