Returning to MWO

[SpiritGirl]

I have been away from MWO for awhile... I miss it....I need it... I just spent the entire day in bed with a hangover.... I am ashamed to even admit how much I drank last night.... I am consumed with guilt and self loathing.... I didn't go to work today although it is busiest day of the week in our dept and we are already short one person.... My daughter wanted to go school supply shopping but I said no because my head hurt too badly...My son crawled up next to me in bed and said "Mom, you stink!"...How humiliating.... A pathetic, stinking mom....

A whole, God given day of my life wasted because I can't control myself...I am so ashamed...Please share with me your success stories... I need to believe I can beat this... I must abstain... I CANNOT moderate.... I never will be able too... I don't even want to! I want to be a non-drinker....I just know myself too well... I am feeling like this now because I feel so terrible today... But when the hangover subsides and I feel better I am not as motivated... I recup and then have another night of indulgence...Why does it take guilt, humilation and a headache to motivate me??... Why can't the wonderful feeling of energy, pride, peace of heart and mind when I wake up sober not do the trick??...You would think THAT would be a motivation! I want to start living again....

[akgirl]

Returning to MWO

I know you are hurting right now but you have to know you can do this. I sent you a PM.

Feel better and never give up.
:l
Ak

[Rags]

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Good morning Spirit,
Unfortunately I have to go out in a couple of minutes so cannot even start to answer your questions except to say after many years of the same feelings as you're experiencing, all it took in the end was for me to turn round my thinking and attitude. Popeye found the same, as have many others.
B]Why can't the wonderful feeling of energy, pride, peace of heart and mind when I wake up sober not do the trick??...You would think THAT would be a motivation! I want to start living again....
__________________[/B]
Why not make it your motivation? Be kind to yourself.

[byebyebridgetjones]

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Hi there SpiritGirl,
Boy do I know that place !
Especially the thing about feeling 'dangerously' good and thinking Hmmm....I know what would be fun.....I deserve it....I've worked hard, this is my reward. On and on it goes....
I wonder if you should start by printing off your post this morning. You've worded it beautifully. Just keep it tucked away for the next time you feel a little 'too good'.....in the wrong way.
Thinking of you.
Bridget.

[SpiritGirl]

Returning to MWO

These responses are exactly what I need!! Thank you for caring! I feel undeserving of your kindness, but I appreciate it nonetheless....

[OverIt2007]

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Well, I am sending you a big hug Spiritgirl. Your first post painted a picture of so many days of my life, so I completely understand how you feel. Its the most horrible feeling in the world that we do to ourselves. When we are drinking, we never seem to think about the next day, we are just caught in our moment in that time. Alcohol is a sneaky demon bastard. In fact, I think the Devil delights to see us in weakness.

I hope you are feeling better, I just went through two days of the last three in the same place with guilt, loathing, anxiety, panic, misery. Please keep posting for support and encouragement as often as you can.

[Sunbeam]

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SpiritGirl,
I believe I remember you from last summer. We both struggled a bit on an August AF thread. Remember the skunk in my garage? I have continued to post here most days, and have been greatly helped by this caring community. It does take awhile for the reality of it all to sink in permanantly. Join a thread, keep reading and posting. Let me know if I can help.

[LilBit]

Returning to MWO

I just bounced over here from writing my own long stream of drivel in another thread, and read your post. Oh Spirit Girl, we have all been where you are! The self-loathing, the skipping work, the humiliation in front of your kids -- all of it. Hugs to you. That s_cks. But you can do this if you really want it. When you're ready, you're ready. And have you tried the supplements? I could not have quit without L-glut! Don't give up, Girl, we're in your corner!

[Lavande]

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Hi Spiritgirl,

Welcome back!
What is your plan? Are you going on any of the meds or using any of the supps?
Do you have the CDs on hand? They were very, very helpful for me! I'm still using them off & on, they provide good reinforcement

Why don't you join us on the 'Newbies Nest' thread?

Wishing you the best.
Lav

[SpiritGirl]

Returning to MWO

Sunbeam - yes! I remember the skunk story... It's good to be back and I am glad that so many of the same people are still here...

Thank you again to everyone else that took the time to respond... I am already feeling the camraderie and love this sight is so good for! My plan is likely to depend on Antabuse for the next 30 days... I recently explained to someone that at times it feels like "cheating" but I know I will stay sober on it... So I guess what's most important to me is that DO stay sober not so much HOW I got sober... In the meantime I will work towards use these threads to change my attitude and hopefully get a "heart transplant" - I know longer want AL to be the desire of my heart...

[AMELIA]

Returning to MWO

Hi Spiritgirl,
I see you are online now too.
Yes I have visited the place you are at hundreds and hundreds of times. Easy to get there, but feels really crap when you do.
Have you tried supps and/or meds to help with cravings etc? Maybe you just need to give yourself some ammunition to fight this addiction. Help your body to help you stay sober!! Antabuse will help because you can not drink while taking it....also think about what other things you can do to deal with your physical cravings.

It is great that you have come back to MWO. Make your sobriety your priority. Stay close to the boards and learn from others what has worked for them etc. Create your own 'package' that will work for you.
Look forward to seeing you on the boards more often.
Amelia

[SpiritGirl]

Returning to MWO

I wrote this in August... It is now December and I could write the EXACT same post... I spent the day in bed... I made a fool out of myself last night in front of friends.... I came on this sight to re-read some of my own posts to remind myself of how good I feel AF and I am ashamed... Ashamed that so many of you take the time to support me and encourage me - only to do the same stupid thing over and over... I really feel pathetic...

HOW do I do this? HOW do I quit?? (thats hypothetical - I know HOW - just dont drink!!)..I have never wanted anything more in my life, yet once the hangover and guilt wears off, I am back in a bottle of wine again...I have all been given up hope on myself...

[MamaZum]

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Hi SG,

I just wrote a rather longish reply and it dissapeared!

I think we are twins separated at birth. I know exactly how u feel. I am so sorry for our families! Lets try and get it right this time!

Much love, MZ

[SpiritGirl]

Returning to MWO

MZ ~ It makes me sad that you feel the same desparation, yet I am relieved to have someone understand.... Our families certainly deserve a better "us"... I pray we can get it right... Thank you for responding....

[byebyebridgetjones]

Returning to MWO

Hi SpiritGirl.
At least you are back here. That's a great start.
So many people struggle at this time of the year.
I guess it's just a matter of plugging on relentlessly.
Thinking of you.
Bridget