Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

[Changed1]

In the last week I've had to tell someone very important to me that I am taking time out for me. Most likely this means I'll never see him again. There have been too many bottles of wine around it.

Now I am at the point of having to make another decision. I've been let down in the past 5 months big time by another, a different person. The first time was when I asked him to take me to rehab and he wanted a drinking partner more than to see me get well, even though I was in very bad shape at the time. He also took it upon himself to tell both of my neighbors of my "very serious conditions." He did this both in person and followed up with a card via mail to confirm. This last was his flaking on a reference for me, which would have made a big difference in my life.

What are your experiences and how do you evaluate whether it is time to cut someone out of your life?

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

My experience with it has been positive. After years the persons changed and I slowly allowed them back in my life with clear defined boundaries and never the same level of closeness as before.

I know it's hard to be alone but you've got to start somewhere! My heart goes out to you in this situation, it really does but this person sounds like he is playing head games and is doing more harm than good!!!!!

[Changed1]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine;684621 wrote: My experience with it has been positive. After years the persons changed and I slowly allowed them back in my life with clear defined boundaries and never the same level of closeness as before.

I know it's hard to be alone but you've got to start somewhere! My heart goes out to you in this situation, it really does but this person sounds like he is playing head games and is doing more harm than good!!!!!

Thanks and oops! They are actually two different people (I fixed it). I like that you found that the person changed and he or she could be back in your life. That is a very good way of approaching things.

And yes, the first plays lots of head games. The second, well, I think he just likes a drinking partner more than anything else when it comes to me (or liked a drinking partner - past tense).

[Cinders]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Changed1,

You know, one thing I have learned in all my time trying to get sober is that my sobriety is extremely fragile. I must guard it closely and jealously.

I do not have room in my life for anyone, no matter how dear, that would endanger my sobriety. I know that sounds very selfish and it is.

When it comes to staying sober, I must take care of me first. Otherwise, I will lose and hurt everything dear to me anyway.

Do what you know is best for you. That will be the right thing to do.

Cindi

[Savannah]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Changed, my heart goes out to you.. You are the first thing to worry about in your life. If everything else is meant to be, it's there NO MATTER WHAT! If it's not meant to be, it'll leave and believe me you will be happy it left in the future. God bless..

[Changed1]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Cinders,

I think you are completely right. I only wish I would have known this before, like a few years ago. It would have saved me from a LOT.

We do have to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. This is so true. The truth is I don't need to take out any billboard, I can just go quietly away, or until such time I have to confront the issues, which are not today.

Thanks,
Changed

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Changed1;684644 wrote: The truth is I don't need to take out any billboard, I can just go quietly away, or until such time I have to confront the issues, which are not today.

This approach/mindset has worked for me. Sometimes, when you are breaking ties with an addict there is no point in saying anything. They are not sober, they are not rational...I currently have a very dear friend "on hold" and she may stay there forever or for quite some time. I hope she will eventually sober up and get straight but in the mean time I'm not willing to deal with the insanity. And trust me she has gotten many chances, you know the drill, I'm sure. My point is, I did finally just go quietly away and it has been working for me :l

[Changed1]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Savannah;684641 wrote: Changed, my heart goes out to you.. You are the first thing to worry about in your life. If everything else is meant to be, it's there NO MATTER WHAT! If it's not meant to be, it'll leave and believe me you will be happy it left in the future. God bless..

Thanks, Savannah, you person with a big heart, you I will think about your words. :l

[byebyebridgetjones]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Hi Changed,
I've been in this situation a couple of times now.
I suppose the pivotal question for me was 'Do we bring out the best in one another ?'
Unfortunately the answer was 'no' in my case
Fair criteria I think.
Maybe think of it as setting you both free to find more suitable people ?
Bridget.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Cinders;684634 wrote: Changed1,

You know, one thing I have learned in all my time trying to get sober is that my sobriety is extremely fragile. I must guard it closely and jealously.

I do not have room in my life for anyone, no matter how dear, that would endanger my sobriety. I know that sounds very selfish and it is.

When it comes to staying sober, I must take care of me first. Otherwise, I will lose and hurt everything dear to me anyway.

Do what you know is best for you. That will be the right thing to do.

Cindi

Changed I totally agree with Cindi here, you have to put your sobriety first and if that means saying goodbye to certain people who are leading you in the wrong direction then it is a no brainer imo. Good luck with your decision.

[Guitarista]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Hiya Changed.
You sound like a switched on person. I would add........Definately ditch the idiot who wouldn't support you going to rehab, and gossiped to your neighbours, etc. That is a nasty, selfish thing to do, and at this point, it doesn't sound like you need that kind of energy around you.
Take care of you, and best wishes on your journey. Chin up now, chalk up the af time, and watch your life slowly but surely, blossom before you......x

[Popeye]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Some people make others look bad in an attempt to have their own image or self-image inhanced. This sort of negativity doesn't work for me though. I have been on the receiving end of this treatment and it only has the effect of lowering my respect for the other person. I have a friend who has a drinking problem also, but would never acknowledge it. At every opportunity he would draw the attention away from his drunkenness by broadcasting statements about mine. Even at the time it didn't work though. Anyone with eyes could see what game he was playing.
As has been said, your sobriety must come first. It's sad when it has to came at the expense of relationships, but if the other person isn't prepared to let you grow then you must be better off without them; not permanently perhaps, but permanently if need be. Be selfish; as selfish as they are. It's your way of life that's at stake.

[Lavande]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Changed1,

The longer I'm AF the stronger my resolve becomes.........NO ONE has the right to mess with me!
I am totally serious too. I don't care if it's a friend, a neighbor or a relative, I won't let anyone interfere with my progress, my plan.
Listen to Popeye, be as selfish, as self-centered as self-absorbed as you need to be to protect your quit!

[Changed1]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Thanks so much and you all make such good points. I think everyone should really look at their relationships in their life built up over the years drinking. I know for me that doing so leaves me with one really good friend and that is it. She doesn't want me drinking and we've been friends for 35 years. Other than that, I've come across some super people both at MWO and the LifeRing support list I also post at.

Bottom line, alcohol in excess does kill. So do these friggin cigarettes I keep smoking, but there is another place to lament over why I cannot seem to quit those cancer sticks. Ah, first things first.

[joesgal]

Cutting people loose, what is your experience with this?

Hi Changed and everyone else, thanks for your posts, they have really helped me make some important decisions about the people in my life right now and I am more determined than ever to stay sober so, for a few people, I am not going to be as available anymore. Your posts have helped me to clarify this, a big thankyou to all, joesgal