People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

[Changed1]

No, my goal is not to moderate. However, I've gone from 10+ bottles of wine per week down to four. That to me is progress. I am maintaining and my goal is to observe what gets me upset and learn ways to cope. Nonetheless my BF has zero tolerance for this. I try to make him understand I am sincere in my ways but he cannot. I just want some space to improve me, yet at the same time I want him in my life. What should I do?

[~iirene~]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Changed1;696099 wrote: No, my goal is not to moderate. However, I've gone from 10+ bottles of wine per week down to four. That to me is progress. I am maintaining and my goal is to observe what gets me upset and learn ways to cope. Nonetheless my BF has zero tolerance for this. I try to make him understand I am sincere in my ways but he cannot. I just want some space to improve me, yet at the same time I want him in my life. What should I do?

well, you have not changed, butt you want to?
whenever we become thorougly SOBER for a good amount of time, we
get to know who we really are. experience- first- CLEAN. STOP for 30.
Its progress right now, only to ingest a larger amount next week due to anything.?
You can improve you.
You will improve you.
Do you want him in your life? Remove Whine for awhile, you will know then. for sure.
10 bottles??? are they small ones?
Holy Hail Mary full of Grace.

[Changed1]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

~iirene~;696102 wrote: well, you have not changed, butt you want to?
whenever we become thorougly SOBER for a good amount of time, we
get to know who we really are. experience- first- CLEAN. STOP for 30.
Its progress right now, only to ingest a larger amount next week due to anything.?
You can improve you.
You will improve you.
Do you want him in your life? Remove Whine for awhile, you will know then. for sure.
10 bottles??? are they small ones?
Holy Hail Mary full of Grace.

Yes, they were small ones, but to be honest I was maybe drinking 12 bottles of wine a week. I have had stretches of sober time but, due to stressors (which he doesn't believe and yet he thinks I have a lot of money and has no problem telling me to spend it) I have less of it now and unemployed. No one might believe this, but I do function on a bottle of wine with sleep for the next day. One bottle of wine to me is nothing. I top it off with half a sleeping pill and I'm good to go the next day, even if not moving as fast. My moods have leveled out, I don't go off the deep end...and it sounds like I am trying to make excuses. The only noticable effect is depression.

At any rate, for me this is a process best achieved in leaps and bounds but there will be setbacks. I'm a realist. If you are AA (and I've know reason to think you are or are not), then I can see why what I've done doesn't make sense. It's called harm reduction, which hasn't caught on. Again, my goal is to be AF, but until I learn how to manage emotions, I may keep falling back into old ways.

[~iirene~]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

sounds good dear.
U have every reason in the world 2 express your feelings.
i have improved and so can you.
we can change, it takes work.

:l

[nancy]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Hi

I think going from 10 to 4 bottles of wine a week is good, if you are sustaining that. I agree that harm reduction has value and if you have actually reduced it by that much. We all know it can be easy to fudge numbers.

I think that though the harm reduction is excellent, you must know that one bottle in a night with a sleeping pill is not healthy for women, regardless of how you function the next day. And depression is a serious problem. I know I am not telling you anything you don't know.

I think the best thing for you is to get in some kind of harm reduction program, formalize it and have someone watch you and track your progress. And you can post here. And maybe your participation in a formal program would reassure your boyfriend.

And about your boyfriend... depends on how serious you are. Do you live with him? If not, do your own thing and refrain from drinking anything in front of him if you can. Maybe ask for some space because it sounds like you need it. If it's not that serious he doesn't have a lot of say. If you are committed and live together, he deserves more say as kind of a spouse.

These are really difficult issues. If you live together you might want to consider couples counseling and Alanon. But if not and it's looser do your own thing and take care of yourself. You might lose him if he finds your drinking too disturbing but maybe you haven't found a solution here. There are different paths and maybe you can find some help here.

[Tulipe]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Hi Changed,
I think you have improved. If moderate drinkers have 1-2 glasses of wine per day, and no one worries about it, if an alcoholic gets down to 1-2 glasses of wine/day and stays there, what is wrong with that? Answer is, technically nothing, so long as it stays there. Why people freak out is because of the history of AL abuse. They remember the past so having even one drink symbolizes a whole lot of stress from the past.
Again, I think you have improved. Maybe you are just tapering. Track your progress, and keep going.

[mario]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

hi changed, yes you have improved, but somtimes we can feel burdened,inadequate,and over whelmed by expectations,even when they are our own,more often however the problem originates from outside ourselfs,before we came here we may have easily been caught in other peoples expectations because we dident really know who we really were,now that you are in recovery you have an opportunity to understand yourself better,which in turn helps us to set our own goals,no longer must someone else,s goal guilt us into action.getting to know real freedom from the expectations of others is a two step process,first we need to see clearly which expectations are ours & which belong to someone else.then you need to ask yourself to fullfill your own expectations,and only our own first. your first priority is yourself.

[tiptronic_ct]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Hey, Mario

Good post.

I’ve been able to taper down quite successfully, from a blackout stage every night, to two glasses of red wine every evening. What I’ve realised is that that isn’t enough – for me. My wife desperately wanted me to just get my drinking under control, and she’s said that she’s proud of me for the progress I’ve made.

I’m just finding that moderating is too bloody difficult. You’re in a constant battle with yourself to resist the urge to have “just one” more. So I need to be AF. Period.

Interesting thread – every now and again I get this little voice in my head which says “you’re doing OK, what are you worrying about?” But I DO worry, because I realise how close I constantly am to slipping out of control again. But I am not climbing that mountain again – the process is hell!!!

I think most of us are scared sh*tless of AL for two reasons: the damage it has (and still is) doing to us. And then of course the final “letting go” of AL...

I apologise for rambling a bit and ever so slightly hijacking your post, Changed. I just find that threads like this one helps me to retain my focus on my goal...

[mario]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Yes tips this is a hard battle,and we have to fight it everyday,in my life i could never moderate for any particlar lenght of time,well usaully i stopped for about 4/5 weeks,but i was just fooling myself.nothing is as simple as we hoped it would be.keep up the good work tips.at least you have made a start :goodjob:

[Changed1]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Well, thanks so much all for your encouragement and support. I had told him I wanted spacke for myself but then he just popped over a bit go unannounced so we started things back up again.

I went to bed after I posted this and he called. I didn't hear the phone as I was sleeping. He said his not being able to reach me was "a bad sign." This means he thought I was drinking and had gone to the store. Then he got on me about my weight and that wine isn't good for weight. I can understand his concern as he has told me repeatedly that the drinking is a problem, but I have to do what is right for me.

I really don't want to practice harm reduction as, has been said, it's too hard. At any rate, thanks all.

[dancelot]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Hi, Changed1

First, congratulations on at least cutting back. Just make sure you're accurate as to how many bottles per week you're actually consuming. Maybe put the empties in one trash bag or recycle bag or whatever and put it out only once a week and count them, maybe keep a log. Keep this bag and log secret if you need to, but ALWAYS be honest with yourself. I like the Drinktracker on this site- keeps me honest!

Second it's great that you are learning your triggers- perhaps you could try a healthy de-stresser BEFORE you reach for the wine. Learning my own has helped me avoid that automatic reaction of drinking whenever I'm stressed, pissed off, so happy I just gotta celebrate now, etc, etc...... also realizing a lot of it is just a habit I did every night, so I'm having to learn new habits.

Third, keep your eye on YOUR goals, not your boyfriend's or anyone else's. Sometimes our loved ones mean well, but go about it in the worst possible way. That's why I like MWO. One thing I have noticed when I am AF is it's a lot easier to know the difference when they are wanting to be helpful vs. being a control freak or just a jerk.

Last, and this is a biggie- please don't mix alcohol and sleeping pills! If both are gonna happen on the same day, make sure the pill is hours after the AL. By the way, I bet most of us here function(ed) after a night of heavy drinking. It's not unusual at all in the drinking folks world. It's just a lot easier without it....

Anyway, you sound like a thoughtful individual and I am happy you are making progress. Keep coming here and know you will always find lots of love and support from people who really do understand what you're going through.

MUCH LOVE!!!

[dancelot]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Quick postscript while I'm thinking about drugs and alcohol mixing- NEVER, EVER MIX TYLENOL (ACETAMINOPHEN) WITH ALCOHOL. This can a be deadly. Acetaminophen is also sometimes found in over the counter cold meds and nighttime pain relievers.

[Changed1]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

dancelot;696596 wrote: Hi, Changed1

First, congratulations on at least cutting back. Just make sure you're accurate as to how many bottles per week you're actually consuming. Maybe put the empties in one trash bag or recycle bag or whatever and put it out only once a week and count them, maybe keep a log. Keep this bag and log secret if you need to, but ALWAYS be honest with yourself. I like the Drinktracker on this site- keeps me honest!

Second it's great that you are learning your triggers- perhaps you could try a healthy de-stresser BEFORE you reach for the wine. Learning my own has helped me avoid that automatic reaction of drinking whenever I'm stressed, pissed off, so happy I just gotta celebrate now, etc, etc...... also realizing a lot of it is just a habit I did every night, so I'm having to learn new habits.

Third, keep your eye on YOUR goals, not your boyfriend's or anyone else's. Sometimes our loved ones mean well, but go about it in the worst possible way. That's why I like MWO. One thing I have noticed when I am AF is it's a lot easier to know the difference when they are wanting to be helpful vs. being a control freak or just a jerk.

Last, and this is a biggie- please don't mix alcohol and sleeping pills! If both are gonna happen on the same day, make sure the pill is hours after the AL. By the way, I bet most of us here function(ed) after a night of heavy drinking. It's not unusual at all in the drinking folks world. It's just a lot easier without it....

Anyway, you sound like a thoughtful individual and I am happy you are making progress. Keep coming here and know you will always find lots of love and support from people who really do understand what you're going through.

MUCH LOVE!!!

Hi Dancealot,

I just counted how many bottles of wine I had consumed from a Monday through the following Tuesday. I am very on top of when I have a weak moment. I am cooking this afternoon with wine and won't be drinking any of it, even though I told my BF he can have wine with dinner. It's not even that I want to drink, but I'm just feeling all of this free floating anxiety over finances, no job, people I've met who are turning out to be a disappointment, not knowing who to trust and just general uncertainty over the future. I honestly don't understand why people say one thing and do another when there is no reason for it. Oh well. I guess this is just life.

I am doing this for me, but it sure helps to have a friend along the way in person, and this has been one area that seems to not be working out so, of course, I take that personally too. I take everything personally and have to learn how to stop doing that. Oh, and I don't mix pills generally. The worst I'll do is have a couple of glasses of wine and then only half a pill, but thanks for pointing that out. And I just love MWO as no one judges anyone and this is by far the most tolerant community I've ever come across in my life. As a consequence, I don't want to drink as much, I don't need to drink as much. And, of course, my goal is to not drink at all.

Thanks for your posts!

[Sunbeam]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Changed1,
You have done well to improve, but what is your next step of improvement? I think it is very important to find a way to deal with stress that does not include drinking. Stress never goes away. Have you tried the meditation CD's here? Yoga? Other forms of meditation? Prayer? Are you exercising? I won't go on, but you can Google relaxation strategies and get lots of ideas.

[Changed1]

People who don't understand that I HAVE improved

Sunbeam;696750 wrote: Changed1,
You have done well to improve, but what is your next step of improvement? I think it is very important to find a way to deal with stress that does not include drinking. Stress never goes away. Have you tried the meditation CD's here? Yoga? Other forms of meditation? Prayer? Are you exercising? I won't go on, but you can Google relaxation strategies and get lots of ideas.

Thanks, Sunbeam. Normally I'd like to think I can call someone and talk, but lately people have let me down and I'm feeling low about it. I know I need to develop coping strategies that I can use on my own. I am not good at relaxing, but I did start exercising yesterday. Even though I feel really fat and tripped over my dog's leash and fell and landed on my hip (it hurts), I am going to see about exercising this afternoon. It really does help. Maybe I ought to order the CDs here too. I don't have much patience for yoga or meditation, but I suppose I should.

In terms of not drinking going forward, I have a BF who is always on me about not drinking, so I really don't want to resort to drinking as he'll ask me the last time I drank and I don't want to have to lie. I don't want to lose him either. Plus, I really don't want to drink for me. It gets me nowhere, even if it does give me three hours of relief.