I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

[Lemonhead]

I need feedback and am too embarrassed to ask friends.

My husband has been getting an earful from me about his once or twice a week drinking with pals. They're 20 minutes away and know better than than to drink and drive. He's been offered the opportunity by his long-time, single male friend to crash on the couch rather than drive home. Other pals are doing the same. They're all over 50 years old.

This bothers me on so many levels, but is clearly a more sensible alternative to what millions of other men do all the time which is drink and drive. What do you think?

[ronnie]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Hi Lemonhead
Can you drive, if so why dont you drop him off & pick him up, that way you know he is safe...just a thought

[nancy]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

You definitely do not want him driving.
so if it is choice between driving and staying on couch, couch it is.

Then there is a second issue about whether you want him to be going out with his male friends alone. Can you go too? How often does he do it?

I don't think age matters here. So he's over 50. Nice that the friends still get together.

[Cinders]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Lemonhead,

If he is going to drink, not driving is definitely the way to go.

I hope you can both come to a good compromise on this.

Cindi

[Lemonhead]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Thanks for your suggestions. All reasonable, but I can't imagine any of us (women) seriously suggesting to our husbands that we'll see them in the next morning every week.

Really. "Honey, I'm being careful. See you around 7:30 AM. Don't forget to run the dishwasher and take the chicken out of the freezer."

What is the social or psychological rationale for this solution? Why would anyone say this to a spouse who is evaluating alcohol abuse?

I don't mean to be sexist, but is this a man thing?

[tiptronic_ct]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

LH, I don't think its a guy thing, but maybe its because I'm a guy :-) If he's not ready to support you fully, just try to focus on you and your inner strength

[Gold]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Personally I think it sounds more something a group of guys in their teens and 20's would do rather than men in their 50's, especially on a regular basis.

I don't think it's about the driving they could get a taxi/cab home if it's 20 minutes away. Perhaps they are trying to recapture their youth in some way, escape from work and other responsibilities, feel free.

Although we know now that drinking does not equal freedom.

[sosad61]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Def. don't let him drink and drive. He's endangering other people by doing so. I'm almost 50, and I still like to "hang out with the guys" now and then. Although I'm no longer drinking, I would do this a couple of times a week when I did and I would never drive back home; I'd crash on the sofa or in an extra bedroom.

[dancelot]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

Take a taxi.

[cowgal]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

just me

It may be just me, but I would make him take a cab.......................husband still drinking (way alcoholically, or so I think) and I just let him drive,(I am just apathetic right now, as I left mine at a BBQ 4 hours ago, told him I would be home around 5 and still no call or show) take a cab........................

MA:l:h

[1967]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

i think a cab sounds like a good idea. dropping him and picking him up makes him seem like a teenager. (but he's acting like one, sooooo??)
initially i thought 'why can't he hang out w/his friends?'
then i see that he does this WEEKLY? that is a little bizarre for a married 50 yr old man!
personally, i think i might tell him 'sure, go ahead, knock yourself out' and i would just make sure i was extra occupied when he arrives to avoid being nasty to him when he crawls home.
but i'm divorced, so you might not want that!
i don't think it's a guy thing... i think he has issues of his own.
the real problem is you probably have kids, or i'd tell him to take a couple of WEEKS of freedom which he so obviously requires at this stage of his development.
but ... i don't think we can label this behavior a general 'gender' issue, that's not fair.
:l
good luck with this one!!

[Blue Sky]

I'm moderating - listen to HIS idea

I have been thinking about your post and apart from the trust issues surrounding him staying out once or twice a week, I don't think it is good for you.

If he is out having fun with his friends and you are left home alone then there will be a strong temptation for you to start drinking at home alone. You are bound to feel worried, resentful, angry and lonely. All of these are huge triggers. The chances are that sooner or later you will have a drink, and then another..... after all, who would know if he isn't due home?

So put your foot down, yes he can go out with his mates BUT, limit is to once a week and he comes home in a cab or you go and collect him (that should keep you sober too!)