Ok, so for those of you that know my story or for those of you thinking about treatment, for what it's worth here's my experience.
I was fired from my brand new job (not alcohol related, my boss was coming on to me and when I told him where to go, you know what shriveled up in his pants and "your fired" came out of his mouth). Anyway, although I am unemployed (again) perhaps this is the break I needed to get better.
The day I got fired I found a detox place (5 days) which most in there would go up to rehab afterwards, but with my insurance running out at the end of the month, that was the best I could do (or wanted to do at the time). Detox was not as hard as it was when I did it bymyself because the put me on valium (which I hated) to prevent seizures (which I did see a couple people have while I was in there). The hardest part was that they did not have many groups or programs in which to participate and TV was very limited. I do not smoke so most of my 5 days there was staring at a wall and trying to avoid the 18-28 yo kids talking about their shooting up stories. At night it was like a frat house because of lack of beds the rehab people (thugs mostly) would sleep down with the detox unit. I am vegitarian so all I ate all week was Iceburg lettuce and cheese...so much for an appropriate diet while detoxing, despite my efforts to expalin that to the nurses...who cares?!
I really didn't crave my beer (for some reason they don't serve beer there) because I was more bored and depressed about being away from my husband...no phone calls either. Finally, he came to get me at discharge and I was so happy. He dropped me off at home and had to run back to work. He is not a drinker but his buddy is...and there were 5 beers in the fridge and I was alone. I was able to pass the night without cracking one and he removed the beer from the house when he came home. So there it was, I did 5 days. The following day I went to my first AA meeting but lost it at the end of the day. I understand "normal" people do not cry over a beverage, but I was in tears I needed beer. In detox I got the Vivitrol shot (supposed to make you not sick if you drink but not be able to feel the effects even if I drank). I wanted to "test" the shot...dumba$$. I bought a 6 pack thinking I would only have three. 6 beers later, feeling guilty but enjoying the feeling (apparently the $800.00 shot in my a$$ didn't work) I had done it. I ruined my 5 days, that fast. I wonder if I needed to stay in rehab if I can get my insurance to stay on (which I may be able to do now that I am unemployed again...just impossible to get a hold of them, although I am trying). I don't want to go away again but I am not sure I can do this, and I certainly would not go back to that animal house. There is only one more place I could go and it's in AL (I am in TN). For the time being, with the whole day to myself and the beer store down the street, all I can do is go to meetings. Yesterday I hit 2 and plan to do the same again today.
This is taking every ounce of energy out of me. I do nothing all day and still come home exhausted like I worked overtime.
So there it is...sorry for the long post. And thank you guys for all the PM's and support on here, it really helps. In my AA meetings I feel like saying "Hi, I'm Cole, I am an alcoholic" and then they all say hi, and I want to tell them I don't have anything to share at the moment, I just like when you guys say Hi! LOL, gotta find some humor in the hell
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