That first day....

[roseknows]

Hey all,

Here comes a long post :thanks:

Never thought I'd actually start a thread, but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. I read the tool box etc. every single day - but it isn't working because I'm not strong enough to make those commitments. I'm taking Kudzu, have the CD's (but am usually too hungover to listen to them).

So the result is that for the last few weeks, I cannot get past day one AF I want to very badly to stop drinking. I watch as it ruins my relationships and commitments and health. I do want to be AF for the rest of my life - I mean I feel so much
better when not drinking, and the posts I read on MWO are testiment to the fact that life is so much fuller and happier when sober!!

I'm currently living at my parents, graduated from law school in May, and have been using this time to basically drink constantly (while telling myself I'm trying to find a job). It is so frustrating because I had 30 days AF a few months ago with the help of AA...but the time on my hands, and the stress of trying to find a job...well I'm up to about 2 bottles of wine a day! Plus my parents kind of tip-toe around me re: alcohol (since I'm 28 they feel like they shouldn't comment about my drinking habits...but I wish they would!)

We just had a friend die from liver failure a few days ago. My mom was so shocked because she found out that this woman (an up-standing member of the community ) had an alcohol problem! I told her it was a silent disease sometimes (ie one that I have) that can affect anyone regardless.

I'm afraid this will be me very soon.

But I'm just having trouble making it through one frickin' day without drinking.
Just one day! I know if I can do one day that I'll feel so much better emotionally, spiritually, physically, but cannot understand why it's so hard to do.

I feel so guilty about what I drank / ate the day before, and only a drink makes that feeling go away...so you can see how the cycle continues and continues.

Any advice or stories or suggestions as to how to make it through this first day would be wonderful

Thanks!!

Rose

[Marshy]

That first day....

Hi Rose,

First of all, well done on starting the thread and reaching out!

I sounds as though you read a lot here but don't post. I found it very helpful in the beginning to post on a daily thread and get regular support from other people. Or start you own thread asking for other people starting on day one to join you. It helps to share the problem and have a common goal.

Can you make sure there is no alcohol in the house? Tricky if you're living with your parents and they want to drink - can you talk to them about this?

Also, if AA has helped you, why not keep going?

As for the guilt - I think a lot of people feel that. But once you start notching up AF days you'll begin to feel so much better about yourself.

Good luck - you can do this!

[Gold]

That first day....

Hi Rose,

My personal experience is that I couldn't do anything to change whilst feeling guilty and ashamed, as you say those feelings set up a cycle and you end up drinking against your better judgement, i.e. punishing yourself.

I wonder whether you expect a lot of yourself and when you don't live up to your expectations then you feel guilty and so it goes.

If you can put guilt aside for today knowing that there are many here with the same feelings, and think of that poor lady, your friend, there is no shame, you are facing up to your situation and you want to do something about it and you can.

In the early early days (it's still quite early days) I went to bed early and listened to a hypnosis CD in bed, if I woke in the night then I listened to it again.

Perhaps you could find something else to occupy your time whilst looking for jobs, maybe you could offer your services as a lawyer pro bono to a charity or some other organisation.

Be kind to yourself.

[Elpis]

That first day....

Hi Rose,

I am glad you posted. To say what I want to say I will have to make a few assumptions about you that may, or may not, be true. If what I say fits, use it; if what I say doesn’t fit, pitch it out.

First, you graduated from law school, which means you got through most or all of an undergraduate education program, and then at least one graduate program. You are an achiever who is unaccustomed to failure and/or you are adept at learning from your failures and applying that lesson for your own betterment. You have good insight into other people but find yourself somewhat of a mystery. You likely have a fairly well educated family or education is highly valued in your family. The circles that you and your family move around in are filled with professional people or professional people are valued and/or looked up to. You have chosen a profession where peers are critical to your success and deviations from commonly accepted standards of behavior are not well tolerated. Winning the game is very important; losers are not tolerated for vey long. You have to pass a professional examination to progress and you will be subject to peer review for the rest of your professional life.

How close am I? If I am not close at all then I’ve wasted only a little of your time. If I am fairly close then listen: you have some challenges that are universal to all alcoholics. In addition, you have a few challenges that are, I think, unique to those who require professional licenses and are subject to peer review. The blessing you’ve received is that you have identified alcohol issues in your life at the beginning of your carrier, before you’ve severely harmed yourself, and before you’ve done something much, much worse: harmed your client (and YOU WILL harm a client one day if you continue down this path – trust me – and you will never get that off your conscience, nor should you).

If I can help, let me know. Thanks for indulging a greying guy who is on the downhill side of his carrier and praying for the opportunity to do penance by steering someone away from his bad choices.

E-

[reneesmiles]

That first day....

I'm struggling with the same thing....

I liked what you had to say. Even though I know the guilt and shame will KEEP me drinking I cannot stop my feelings. I am in a Cognitive Behavioral outpatient program, that uses medications such as Vivitrol and Naltrexone to control cravings, but I find that I am drinking despite NOT craving it. Am I just wanting to beat myself up (unconsciously?)????

It is so frustrating. Because I feel so much better sober. July was a great month for me. August has been horrible in terms of drinking and A LOT of changes, etc. But I swore today I was going to start over. Here I am drinking again. I may rationalize it because I don't get drunk, ever. But the point is I don't want to drink at all. Period.

So..... I just feel like a failure. I've been to AA and it helped for a while ( had 5 years sober ). I was also a Substance Abuse Counselor, so I don't know which contributed to my sobriety. I am just so damn frustrated with myself.... and wondering if in some part of my mind, I WANT to feel bad about me.

I just don't know.... I have millions of meditation tapes.... I am just not using them. Do I want to fail myself? That is honestly what keeps coming back to me. Why else would I continue to drink with NO cravings????

Thank you for your post and most especially, thank you for listening.

Renee

Gold;705725 wrote: Hi Rose,

My personal experience is that I couldn't do anything to change whilst feeling guilty and ashamed, as you say those feelings set up a cycle and you end up drinking against your better judgement, i.e. punishing yourself.

I wonder whether you expect a lot of yourself and when you don't live up to your expectations then you feel guilty and so it goes.

If you can put guilt aside for today knowing that there are many here with the same feelings, and think of that poor lady, your friend, there is no shame, you are facing up to your situation and you want to do something about it and you can.

In the early early days (it's still quite early days) I went to bed early and listened to a hypnosis CD in bed, if I woke in the night then I listened to it again.

Perhaps you could find something else to occupy your time whilst looking for jobs, maybe you could offer your services as a lawyer pro bono to a charity or some other organisation.

Be kind to yourself.

[SKendall]

That first day....

There are no easy answers. That is why this disease is so baffling. After all of my research, along with RJ's - the creator of this site, is that we have found that only a "mental switch" can help us.

Many do this my a self-imposed "mental switch", however if it were that easy we wouldn't be struggling.

The other remedies are what RJ has talked about in her book, cd's, supplements, etc. Many of us alcoholics are hypoglycemic, whether we have been diagnosed or not. Our sugar instability, along with our brain wiring, makes us very succeptible to alcoholism, and this why RJ started this site. L-glut and Kudzu, etc. are particularly effective, L-glut stablizes our sugar craving and Kudzu stabilizes our alcohol craving.

Good Luck. In the meantime, stay with this site, you are welcome and you will receive a lot of support.

[roseknows]

That first day....

Thank you to everyone..

:thanks:

It is so amazing to post a problem, and actually have people respond w/ their own solutions / experiences / methods. So thank you guys - and MWO.

I know I expect a lot out of myself, and can be an over-achiever...but at the same time, it shouldn't be too much to expect that i can go one day without a drink, right? I mean really!

But with that said, tomorrow is a new day. And with my newfound confidence in posting I'm going to just stay online and hope to find support with you all (like I have in the past!).

E - you sound like you know EXACTLY what I'm dealing with here (or will in the future) re: the profession I'm about to begin. It just seems so unrealistic to think about being an attorney without drinking?! It's interesting though, because I've seen many attys on the boards...job hazard eh?

So day 1 starts tomorrow - hope no one minds that I post early in the a.m.!

Love - Rose

[Guitarista]

That first day....

Thinking of you Rose!
Best wishes............G-Force.

[brightlite]

That first day....

Roseknows, I'm sending you positive vibes. Hoping you will stay strong. I think you have found a friend and mentor in Elpis. Elpis, you are doing so well and it is a noble gesture for you to help guide others.