Should I tell?

[akgirl]

Okay, so I am wondering if I should talk with my son. He is getting older and I know he realizes, how much I'm not sure as I hide it pretty well. He probably knows more than I think.

I realized my drinking might be causing his depression. I always thought it was school and other kids because of his Aspergers but now I'm wondering if its been me all along. Part of me feels like I want to come clean..... but part of me doesn't want to admit failure and give myself the label of an alcoholic to my son.

I always considered myself a good mother even though I drank because I was very high functioning....now I have to wonder

If I decide to talk with him, any thoughts on what I might say?

[colbe]

Should I tell?

I am in you same boat. Mine is 13 and I have my own ideas, but now since the law (wrongfully) is involved, it can't help but dross my mind. Remember the most "perfect" monthers still question themselves. I am high functioning as well, but at 13 she sure did have a lot to say to the Social Workers despite our wonderful relationship.

SOOO, nope, don't have an answer book on that one. If your son is younger than mine, then ust take my horrifiying experience into account. Perhaps a counselor for the both of you?

Best wishes to you!!!

[rubywillow]

Should I tell?

Sweetie, this is definitely something only you can decide, since every mother and every child, and every relationship is so different. The one thing I would suggest is to not give TOO much information. Maybe open the door for questions, and let him know you are willing to be honest and open with him. Then, just answer THOSE questions. Once he realizes he CAN ask you about things on his mind, other things may come out. Like all kids, the more we crowd them the more they withdraw, so we have to let them make the step. You just open the door. Good luck, and God bless you for loving them so much to be so concerned.

[sunshine_gg]

Should I tell?

Excellent advice from Ruby! I totally agree!

I did talk to my kids, although they were a little older then, by mentioning that I sometimes had a hard time coping with things and didn't always make smart choices or the best decisions. The conversation took its own route after that... and like Ruby said.. there were some questions from the kids which I answered as best and honestly as I could.

Good luck, sweetie!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Should I tell?

Good advice Ruby, I would agree but it is a very very personal thing.

[one2many]

Should I tell?

I wish my Dad had spoke to me to be honest, he was a chronic alcoholic and I knew from a very early age, he would never discuss it tho...I wrote him letters, I tried to talk to him drunk and sober to no avail.I think it would have helped me to understand what alcoholism was if he had explained to me that it was not his fault and that he had this thing in his head that made him do this and it wasn't my fault.
I was very aware of what was going on from the age of about 5 or six I reckon...and for it never to be aknowledged did me more damage than him being an alcoholic in the first place..I understand now of course but when I was growing up, I feel I could have supported him or urged him on or at least understood what he was going thru.
He is sober 15 years now and altho he talks about AA and such, he has never said sorry or even mentioned any of the past...I wish he did but I would not hurt him by bringing it up.

In my experience it is better to acknowledge it..you don't have to give too much info, just let hiim know..that you have a drink problem but you are working on it..and you want to get better.

Before I get jumped on for saying this...I am only going by my own experience...and to be honest, he prob has quite a fair idea already ......

Feel free to pm me anytime!

Best of luck.

oney x

[rubywillow]

Should I tell?

I totally agree with Oney that he knows a lot more than you expect, and may just not know what he's supposed to do.

[one2many]

Should I tell?

EXACTLY Ruby..thats just how I felt.....i just didnt know what to do and I wanted him to confide in me and at least love me enough to tell me instead of just ignoring it when I knew full well what was going on...

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Should I tell?

Forgive me Akgirl for hijacking your thread for a minute but there is something I need to say.

Oney I am sure it wasnt a lack of love for you that stopped your dad from confiding. More likely the shame and guilt that we have all felt. It is so very hard to have this conversation with your child and times have changed, parents just didnt discuss these matters with their children 30 years ago or more.

[one2many]

Should I tell?

I understand what you are saying Ktab....but thats how I felt..I ached for him to talk to me about it...especially when I got older (20 years ago).... I just think in this day and age it should be out in the open......so that kids like me don't feel burdened, confused and totally bewildered about what is going on. I could have dealt with it so much better than I did if he had spoken, or even acknowledged the problem.

Again, just my personal view.

[akgirl]

Should I tell?

Very interesting, thank you all for sharing. It gives me much to think about and consider. I figured if I told him it would make him think less of me.......maybe not

[rubywillow]

Should I tell?

I don't think you'd be 'telling' him. He senses there's a problem, and I'd be surprised if he didn't have some feelings that he is supposed to protect you, or that he may have someway let you down or caused your 'illness'. What you say depends SO much on his maturity, and what he can understand and accept. I believe it's very important that you let him know he is in NO way responsible for whats going on, and that, as the 'man of the house' he's not supposed to be able to fix it. IF you talk, you could also let him know it happens to lots of people, rich and poor, married and single, all over the world. Again, YOU have to decide what to do, but DO keep reinforcing in him how wonderful and important and loved he is. Children all need to hear that, even when we're grown and our parents are 'normal', whatever that is. You will do the right thing, honey. Only his mother knows what he needs from you.

[1967]

Should I tell?

amen one2many.

[beatle]

Should I tell?

I don't have an opinion per se on this question one way or the other. I do believe each and every situation is different... relationships are different, people are different, the extent of the "sickness" and how it affects the people are different...

When I saw a psychiatrist during detox, I asked her about this. I assumed I would have to tell my children (still in grade school) at some point, and wondered when would be the best time/age. She said: Don't tell them unless you really want to -- or feel you need to. She said, as long as you are recovering, don't burden them with more information than they need.

In fact, this reflected my own feelings, so I don't know if she was just sensing that I needed that confirmation or if this was her standard advice to recovering alcoholics.

I decided to not actively tell my kids, at least not yet, but to confirm that I have been sick and am now getting better. I know that they notice and sense much more than they let on, but I doubt they know the specifics of the "sickness". Because I believe (I KNOW) there is a genetic element in this, I feel it would be irresponsible to NOT tell them at some point... but I'll probably wait until it feels right... maybe about the same time they might be starting to drink themselves.

[IAD]

Should I tell?

[I] Ak.....Just talk to him. Ask him what's bugging him.....is it me!, tell me! am I your problem ? It's the best way.......my oldest told me point plank....why are you wasting your life away ? Makes you think.....we get along pretty well....he hides no punches ! IAD]