This is a little long, but I think I've had a bit of a break through, please bear with me.
I was driving home yesterday and thinking about the reasons why I drink. I MUST find a way to deal with my feelings without numbing them.
I was fine until about 7pm. Up until then I was busy with daily errands and taking my son to speech therapy. The minute my "job" for the day was done, I thought about... wouldn't it be nice to have a drink? Coming home to a husband that is still mad at me didn't help.
I thought I drank because we have 2 mortgages and we just moved,have an autistic son, no family support. But when I really thought about it I think it's because I have felt lonely for decades. I realize I am the type of woman that gave up everything (especially friends) to be with a man. From my first boyfriend onto my husband.
I had a great childhood, lots of friends and family, a great community and lots of activities year round. The only thing that stands out is a mother who was totally dominated and belittled by my father. She had very little self esteem and never did anything for herself. We only got together with my dad's extended family, never my mom's even though we all lived in the same city. It seemed normal to me. That's all I knew.
When I went to college, I was away from the community I grew up with and not involved with any of the people or activities that I was used to. I felt very lonely. As soon as an attractive guy paid attention to me, I felt thrilled and would do anything he asked me to, including dropping everything I liked to do everything he wanted to do. I taught guys to walk all over me as well. It happened time after time. I would drop my life and adapt to the next guy's life temporarily.
I finally met my husband at 29 and it was no different. He is a very smart and successful scientist so I felt lucky to be shining his shoes. Once again, I dropped everything and moved onto his life. This time we moved 1000 miles away from my family and not only did I lose my friends, but my family as well. The 15 years we lived in the midwest, were mostly lonely, numbed by AL. I developed some good friendships here and there, but was never part of a group or community. I longed for that.
Last year we moved again and I feel the same pattern arising. I am making friends here and there (gym, book club). I feel that same sense of not belonging. I look at people here and am jealous that they still have their grade school friends to do lunches with. They have big get togethers with family for mothers day and other holidays. I am jealous of my own sisters who married men with large extended families that they vacation with, have functions with, etc. My husband has no family at all. Both his parents were holocaust survivors and he literally has no one. Just writing about this makes me want to cry.
I know I should focus on what I have instead of what I don't have, but it's damned hard to do sometimes. How do I fix my self esteem? How do I become the woman who get's her shoes shined? How do I find peace and contentment with what I have?
On TV shows, you always see some psychiatrist getting to the root of a problem (some traumatic event or some deep issue) and the patient cries about it and everything is fine after that. As though being honest, letting it out and crying about it is all it takes. Well I feel more sad after coming to this realization, because I don't know how to fix what I've done with my life.
Although I feel good not drinking, I feel very sad without the alcohol. It was my constant "friend" no matter where I lived and what was going on in my life. How do you deal with feelings like this without alcohol?
Thanks for letting me vent, I really needed to.
I was driving home yesterday and thinking about the reasons why I drink. I MUST find a way to deal with my feelings without numbing them.
I was fine until about 7pm. Up until then I was busy with daily errands and taking my son to speech therapy. The minute my "job" for the day was done, I thought about... wouldn't it be nice to have a drink? Coming home to a husband that is still mad at me didn't help.
I thought I drank because we have 2 mortgages and we just moved,have an autistic son, no family support. But when I really thought about it I think it's because I have felt lonely for decades. I realize I am the type of woman that gave up everything (especially friends) to be with a man. From my first boyfriend onto my husband.
I had a great childhood, lots of friends and family, a great community and lots of activities year round. The only thing that stands out is a mother who was totally dominated and belittled by my father. She had very little self esteem and never did anything for herself. We only got together with my dad's extended family, never my mom's even though we all lived in the same city. It seemed normal to me. That's all I knew.
When I went to college, I was away from the community I grew up with and not involved with any of the people or activities that I was used to. I felt very lonely. As soon as an attractive guy paid attention to me, I felt thrilled and would do anything he asked me to, including dropping everything I liked to do everything he wanted to do. I taught guys to walk all over me as well. It happened time after time. I would drop my life and adapt to the next guy's life temporarily.
I finally met my husband at 29 and it was no different. He is a very smart and successful scientist so I felt lucky to be shining his shoes. Once again, I dropped everything and moved onto his life. This time we moved 1000 miles away from my family and not only did I lose my friends, but my family as well. The 15 years we lived in the midwest, were mostly lonely, numbed by AL. I developed some good friendships here and there, but was never part of a group or community. I longed for that.
Last year we moved again and I feel the same pattern arising. I am making friends here and there (gym, book club). I feel that same sense of not belonging. I look at people here and am jealous that they still have their grade school friends to do lunches with. They have big get togethers with family for mothers day and other holidays. I am jealous of my own sisters who married men with large extended families that they vacation with, have functions with, etc. My husband has no family at all. Both his parents were holocaust survivors and he literally has no one. Just writing about this makes me want to cry.
I know I should focus on what I have instead of what I don't have, but it's damned hard to do sometimes. How do I fix my self esteem? How do I become the woman who get's her shoes shined? How do I find peace and contentment with what I have?
On TV shows, you always see some psychiatrist getting to the root of a problem (some traumatic event or some deep issue) and the patient cries about it and everything is fine after that. As though being honest, letting it out and crying about it is all it takes. Well I feel more sad after coming to this realization, because I don't know how to fix what I've done with my life.
Although I feel good not drinking, I feel very sad without the alcohol. It was my constant "friend" no matter where I lived and what was going on in my life. How do you deal with feelings like this without alcohol?
Thanks for letting me vent, I really needed to.
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