Hello- I was here a few years back. I really am not sure what I want from this living with alcoholism anymore. Absolute AF sobriety? I've never actually tried moderation. I was taught to believe, from two programs, that there was no such thing, and trying was to delude myself and extend the period of painful drinking even longer, so don't know if that is an option.
After four years of sobriety and I slipped; both the programs compounded my belief that I was a failure. I get sick if I drink too much and I can stop if I try -- if I drink tequila all bets are off -- I will have no will power. But the day I slipped I couldn't even drink more than a few drinks because I actually couldn't handle my liquor. I had to build up to it. It was a few months before I ever took another drink. But then I kept thinking it was alright and got back to my old habits. Makes me wonder about moderation.
Point is -- I've never tried to moderate and I wonder if I should. I'm tired of the merry-go-round of who has more sobriety, of getting a wee bit jealous when someone announces sobriety time. That I am flawed by not accepting total abstinence as a solution anymore.
That one day of relapse could have been all there was, but I was so wrapped up in "sobriety time" that after I that oh well, throw up of the hands, "I failed, may as well keep drinking," instead of this is not the point in a well-lived life -- not someone else's idea of sobriety -- but one still needs a support group - and one that doesn't judge and I have to announce slips like I'm in a confessional, but supports that fact we have a problem that can be tackled from various different modalities. I mean when a diabetic slips and eats something they shouldn't doesn't mean they are still not managing their disease?
I'm thankful for having re-found this place as self-expression reflects more world wide tolerance than the usually puritanical US ways of thinking (sorry US -don't get your panties in a wad over that one.) I would like to approach my sobriety from an intelligent basis. No more dogma. I'm not sure what works for me at this point. What I should be trying for. I don't feel like wrapping myself in guilt or set-ups for failure anymore.
I'm 49 today -- chalk up this line of talk to mid-life "what the hell am I doing?" talk.
Thanks for listening.
After four years of sobriety and I slipped; both the programs compounded my belief that I was a failure. I get sick if I drink too much and I can stop if I try -- if I drink tequila all bets are off -- I will have no will power. But the day I slipped I couldn't even drink more than a few drinks because I actually couldn't handle my liquor. I had to build up to it. It was a few months before I ever took another drink. But then I kept thinking it was alright and got back to my old habits. Makes me wonder about moderation.
Point is -- I've never tried to moderate and I wonder if I should. I'm tired of the merry-go-round of who has more sobriety, of getting a wee bit jealous when someone announces sobriety time. That I am flawed by not accepting total abstinence as a solution anymore.
That one day of relapse could have been all there was, but I was so wrapped up in "sobriety time" that after I that oh well, throw up of the hands, "I failed, may as well keep drinking," instead of this is not the point in a well-lived life -- not someone else's idea of sobriety -- but one still needs a support group - and one that doesn't judge and I have to announce slips like I'm in a confessional, but supports that fact we have a problem that can be tackled from various different modalities. I mean when a diabetic slips and eats something they shouldn't doesn't mean they are still not managing their disease?
I'm thankful for having re-found this place as self-expression reflects more world wide tolerance than the usually puritanical US ways of thinking (sorry US -don't get your panties in a wad over that one.) I would like to approach my sobriety from an intelligent basis. No more dogma. I'm not sure what works for me at this point. What I should be trying for. I don't feel like wrapping myself in guilt or set-ups for failure anymore.
I'm 49 today -- chalk up this line of talk to mid-life "what the hell am I doing?" talk.
Thanks for listening.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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