Lookng after number 1

[Mackeral]

Hi all,

I havent been on much latley, i accidently killed my desktop. I'm doing well though, over 2 months sober now and absolutly loving it. I have had a few rough patches but i was expecting those.
The reason for posting today is to do with a good friend i made while i was in rehab. Sean is a lovely lad a few years older than me, i dont think he was drinking as much as me but his wife had already split with him taking his children. We formed a good bond in Harvey house and i suppose i looked up to him quite a lot because of his determination to get sober to win back hs family.
Before we left rehab we exchanged numbers and planned fishing trips together with all the spare time we would gain from not drinking.
About 2 weeks ago i got a very emotional phone call from a drunk sean asking how i was doing and if i was still going down to visit. I really feel for him. It must be so difficult to do this on your own and live with the depression of loosing your family and wondering how they are doing without you , (better - worse) most likley better.
My problem is i dont think i should visit. I live with my own problem which while is at the moment being taken care of i think so soon is still very fragile.
He still rings some nights and i hav found myself ignoring the phone which i know is the cowards way out, i just dont want to drop him on his arse like his family have.

[Opal]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Macks,
Glad to hear your doing so well yourself. Your obligation is to YOUR sobriety ,for your own sake and that of your family. My humble opinion: Don't visit, its too early for you. You needn't drop him on his ass but try phoning back, the next day at a time of day you think he might be sober. That way your not totally ignoring him but not jepordising your sobriety. This might sound like a pile of shi** but as I say just my humble opinion, hope it helps.
Well done on your AF time.

[Blue Sky]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Mackeral

Congrats on 2 months, I have followed your story and know how hard you have fought to get to where you are now.

The title of your thread says it all. You don't need any of us to tell you that visiting Sean would compromise your sobriety. He is still drinking, you are not. It is not a good idea and you shouldn't feel guilty. Make it clear to him that you are still fragile and you would like to remain friends/keep in touch. However, whilst he is still drinking it isn't possible for you to visit him in person. He may not even remember calling you if he was really drunk (we've all done the drunk dialing thing!)

You have too much to lose. Don't let your guard down now.

[JackieClaire]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Macks,

Well done on over 2 months.

Oh I know how you feel. I met a dear friend in re-hab 5 years ago. He went on to long term re-hab and after 4 days out I rang him to see how he was doing. He was as drunk as a skunk.

I backed off for a little while.

He's still drinking, but I do ring him twice a week. Just to make sure he's eating, not drinking the dreaded white gut rotting cider. He's down to about 8 cans a day.

But you have to guard your sobriety like a precious jewel.

Hope this is of some help.

Love Jackie xxx

AF since 7/7/2009

[paula]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Mack, well done on your 2 months. I agree with what has been said previously, your sobriety must come first.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Macks tough call and I can understand your trepidation at meeting with him. I can also understand that you do not wish to leave a friend in need stranded. However I would have to agree that it is still way too early in your recovery and as you say, you have had a few rough days yourself. I wonder would more damage be done to you, than any good you could do for him, by meeting up. I would suggest maybe ring him early in the day, at a time when he hasnt been drinking and explain the situation to him. If he is a friend he should understand your situation, after all, and I know this sounds harsh but he isnt your responsibility. Your wife and children and own sobriety must come first. Have you told him about MWO it may just be the 24/7 contact he needs. Oh and bad luck with the desktop demise.

[greeneyes]

Lookng after number 1

I'm in agreement with the above. You can be supportive from a distance. Could you not tell him you absolutely cannot consider a visit until he is sober? Surely after being in rehab together he would understand that. It's very kind of you to be so thoughtful of him. You are truly a good man.

[dill]

Lookng after number 1

Macks, I agree with the opinions expressed here. You must do what ever it takes to guard your sobriety for yourself and your family. It was a hard won prize.

[Guitarista]

Lookng after number 1

G'day Mack's,
I agree. Your health and hence your family's health and welfare come first. I'd be honest with him over the phone. It would be far too early for me to visit, and put myself in a potentially stressful situation, and raising my anxiety levels. It's hard. Maybe ring him in the morning, as has been suggested, to catch him when he's more likely to be sober(?), tell him a visit is not on for you for a long time yet? You've just got to handle this your way.
Great work on 2 months af. That is truly wild!
Bravo, friend!

[Mackeral]

Lookng after number 1

Thanks for the advice as always, i already knew i shouldnt go down to visit, i think i was just hoping someone had an alternative that i hadn't thought of. A phonecall in the morning is the best option, i just gotta try and find a way of wording what i want to say without him thinking i'm wiping my hands of him. God knows when i was drinking i took everything to heart and read far too much into somthing that usually meant nothing.I think we all did that.
Thanks again chaps and thanks for the encouragment:l.

[one2many]

Lookng after number 1

Has he got pc access mackers....can you keep in contact by IM or something??? I find that way of talking easier than the phone..I HATE talking on the phone.

I really feel for the guy...he sounds rock bottom, god love him.

[tiptronic_ct]

Lookng after number 1

Hey, Macks. Good to see around on the boards.

[southernbelle47]

Lookng after number 1

Macks!
I'm so very proud of you! xoxox
You have to guard you heart and mind...first and foremost.
I have a cousin that calls me like that and I don't always answer the phone after a certain time of day.
I do try to call her back the next morning or so and she can actually carry on a conversation!
Try it!
:hNancy

[Doggygirl]

Lookng after number 1

Hi Macks! It's great to see you here on the boards.

I agree with the others that especially since you have reservations about making the trip, you probably shouldn't. If your friend is looking for some face to face support, that is always available via AA assuming there is something near him - there usually is. This suggestion would also position him to have a network of support rather than just you - that's a lot for YOU to carry on your shoulders under any circumstances, much less only 2 months sober yourself.

One suggestion WRT the phone calls. You might consider telling him that you will happily talk to him when he needs support but ONLY when he is sober. If he decides to start drinking then he needs to wait until tomorrow to call you. This is a tool used in AA to encourage the person needing help to call for it BEFORE they drink rather than when it's too late.

First and foremost, you must do whatever you have to do to protect your own sobriety as your #1 priority - at least that's my opinion.


:yougo:CONGRATS ON 2 MONTHS SOBER!!:yougo:

FWIW..

DG

[gyco]

Lookng after number 1

hi macs probably the last personyou want to here from,i here you.blunt ,stay away,not a cowards way out,he or she has to want sobriety,it is a gift,ask the person your with,every day they struggle like us,ask somthing,up there or down there,giv me peace,remember your special,ya just hav to make goals, gyco