Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

[carla]

Hi. My name is Carla, I am 30 years old, and like all of you, my story is as long. I seperated from my husband(who taught me how to drink) a few months ago. I always thought I was strong and that I would never drink as much as he did, if I look back now, I am drinking maybe thrice as much as I did then. My journey has been long that I almost can't cope with things on my own, whereas I know I should be seeking professional help, I refuse to because I am so embarassed. I have fallen so much in love with a man I cannot dare tell, and this has become another part of my problem that leads me to the bottle, which have by now doubled to two. I am alcoholic, I admit it with shame and this scares. I drink at home every evening, alot, when I am out there I look at the world with my head high, so while I am only drinking and almost touching no food, people around me who realize how much weight I have lost assume I spend so much of my free time in fitness studios.

Where do I go from here? I can't hear the voice anymore that tells me every evening that this is the last time Carla, and devil that lies to me every morning that you feel so weak, therefore you can't afford to drink anymore today......and so on and so on. I live in Germany, therefore not aware of all the medications and cd's you are talking about. What should be my first step? Any advise could save my life, I already feel my intestines tearing apart, my skin has aged I can't look at any mirror, and my heart hurts. Thank you friends.

[MKR]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Dear Carla,

Welcome! You have come to the right place. Hang in here, read the posts, download the book and find that you are NOT ALONE, on the journey. Hope you come back and post often. We are here for you!

Hugs,
Mary

[lushy]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Hi Carla and welcome. You sound like you are in a sad place but discovering this board is a happy place. Please stick around. I am sorry you are hurting so much but keep reading the boards here and it will help you not feel so alone. That fact alone has helped me want to try and moderate my drinking a lot more. Thinking you are the only one in the world with this problem is what makes it worse and then you feel worthless and then continue to binge. It is a vicious cycle. I hope you will find what you need here.

[Quiescent]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Hello Carla :welcome:

I just want to echo what Mary and Lush said.

We all have to start somewhere and are here for the same reason.

We are here for you too:l

[Allie]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Carla,
I too want to welcome you here and let you know that most of the people here on this site wind up here as a result of coming to a place of desperation. Sometimes it is the result of something bad that happens to us a result of our drinking, or just the final realization of how out of control it has gotten and the havoc that is is wreaking on our lives.

I personally was on the brink of losing my marriage, and knew if I did not find a way to get the drinking under control and start being in control again of my words, actions and my life, that my husband was probably going to leave. Not to mention the bad example I was setting in front of my teenager daughter. I almost hated myself when I first came here. BUT, the good news is, here I am seven months later and I have my life back! I have learned to control the amount that I drink with the help of this program. Occasionally, I will have a bad day when stressed, etc. and blow it, but I am able to utilize all that I have learned her and get back on track quickly. I still drink moderately, but my husband is so proud of me and our marriage is better now that it has ever been. I promise you life on the other side REALLY is so much better and the trade off for the rewards is so worth it.

I am glad you found this site, and I know you will find tremendous encouragement and support here if you choose to do it. I too am sorry for how much you are hurting right now, but you are also very young and have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy without this monkey on your back! Sounds like you have met someone you really love, and you have so many reasons to do this for yourself.

I wish you all the best, and hope you keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You can order the book that explains the program from this website.

Take care,
Allie

[happycamper68]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Carla,
Yes it sounds like you are living a lonely and almost double life, but you can be totally honest here and you found this place for a reason. Please download the book for free and read it and get started. There is a chatroom you can go on where you can talk to other members (it is up top on the blue bar on the left next to User CP, just click on it). Someone is usually in there and can answer questions you might have. Otherwise just keep asking them here! We are here for you! :welcome: Camper

[MonaCat]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Welcome Carla, this is a wonderful place for you to start your journey to self awarness and healing.

[carla]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

HI; new here and still having problems sending my messages excatly where I want to have it seen, will keep trying, nevertheless. However, whenever I send messages I want it to be as open because I can't tell exactly where the right phrase may come from, one that may rescue me. I have read all what you have posted back(responding to the open discussion forum). I was so nervous and helpless to even write back then, if at all my morning post went through, I say that coz I haven't seen it anywhere yet, I believe it's anywhere - not so important - destiny.

After a bottle and more of champagne again this day, I feel sort of relaxed....and failed...but relaxed, however much I hate this relax-ation-session, but it has become part of me over the past few months...or maybe years?

Thank you Mary, Lush, Imagine, Camper - I'll get back to you soon regarding this point: almost double life, and above all to Allie. I never tasted a long time marriage however much I wish for it, therefore wasn't on the brink of such a lose, if anything, my marriage made me this person that I am today, but I won't lament any further... I only need the best way out. I have three weeks away from work starting last week Thursday, I need the time to sort out myself which gave me all the time today to download and print the book - it is a damn good thing.

I am officially on page 40 yet have a thousand questions, that's why after thoroughly reading through to page 47, I decided to take another break. This is really the best 1st move anyone can ever think of. I must admit that I haven't gone that far as Brenda, Roberta etc... they have done things..oh my God, and until page 47 still didn't admit that they were alcoholics, that's no encouragement. I have never done any tests like they severally did, but you know what, I still feel that I have to admit that I'm alcoholic, because I am.

I honestly don't think that there are more than ten people out there, at the age of 30 or so, who are so mannerless, ridiculous but nevertheless admired, helpfull, strong and dignitized but gradually fading off without anyone realizing(at least hasn't been mentioned till today) like me.........

All what I have said may only be judgement caused by my anger, it happens a lot these days, so I won't continue any further....instead I will shut down my computer and try..TRY???....try to go to rest(the first time drinking in daylight, ie. before 6-7pm). One self made discipline I have so far acquired despite my illness is never to go on writing sms/emails to family or "friends" when drinking. I have written so much terrible/horrible things or lied and promised a lot to people I love, care for or at the same time despise, in the process of drinking, so I will proceed on the better channel: being honest on it's own is a great gift. I love and want to lead a life with no lies, not one lie coz it only depresses me. Thanks for your time and huge Hugs. Carla

[Mary Anne]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Carla,WELCOME!

I am glad you are reading, and sorry you feel so bad.......It does get better:welcome:

Just keep posting, try a few days without drinking or slowing down a bit, maybe then you will feel a little more in control?? I know that helps for me (I am not one to give advice and don't think I am lecturing cuz I should be the LAST one to do that!!!) Am sitll new to this, at least I still consider myself new, as I have been TRYING to moderate (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) since June......

Best of everything, get the supplements, some topamax or other med.........they all help....the CDS......and keep posting to everyone, including me!! HUGS and lots of healing love!!

Mary Anne:l

[Quiescent]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Yes, Carla, your journey is just beginning.

Once you finish the book, follow your heart and do what is best for you.

We will be here to support you in whatever you decide!

Keep putting one foot in front of the other:l

I know I've come farther than I could have ever imagined, you will too

[goingsobermum]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Hi Carla, Greetings from France.
You've made a big step getting here. Don't feel shame. Alcohol is a poison and a very addictive drug. It is so easily available and we are encouraged to drink it. Then when it gets too much we feel shame, we shouldn't feel shame. That comes from the mind altering effects of the alcohol and people who don't understand.
In practical terms the first step is the first day without a drink. That one is the hardest but its not nearly so scary as you think it will be. The amino acid L-carnitine helps with cravings. I think a good B complex vitamin supplement is essential as is zinc. Getting some oxygen into the system helps to.
Good Luck
Suz

[Lou]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Hi Carla

Just wanted to let you know that i understand...if you have or do read any of my posts or my story then you will know that i really do. I understand about continuing when you know you cant afford it, and the days that you cant look in the mirror cause your so puffed up an your skin is sh*t and your eyes are dull...and you just wonder where the hell the old you has gone, but have no power to fight it anymore.
My drinking as with yours was tought to me by my ex whom i was with for 5 yrs lived together for 3...before then i would never ever dream of drinking on my own...was purely a social drinker.
What happened to me?? you prob ask yourself the same question, and the guilt and shame start to set in but you feel physicaly better once you have that drink.
As i said just wanted to let you know that i really do understand where youre coming from and tell you that you are not alone...this site is full of lovely supportive people who are there for eachother nomatter what. You could have a crazy eppisode where you drink to extreemes then come on here an thrash it out and we would all still support you.

I have found great comfort and help here..i am finaly getting myself sorted out and addmiting to things i didnt want to...Im sure you can do the same honey.

Loves

Lou-Lou x x x

[carla]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

You people are so great - thanks. I had so much too drink yesterday, I did it deliberately because I wanted to feel so bad today, and I do. I have finished the book - it was a big big step, I will be seeing my doctor in the afternoon wonder if topiramate is available here in Germany but I will force for anything, then intend to get the CDs. I don't usually store alcohol at home but I bought a bottle that I wan't to look at this evening and see who wins, I want to win - will keep you posted.

[Mary Anne]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

I hope you win Carla!

Don't know if it is safe, but if you feel like SH*T maybe you will!! I hope you will, or if the bottle does and you take a drink it will taste horrible or something, just know we will still be here and we love you cuz we have ALL been there in one way or another!

Love and HUGS.....:l :h

Mary Anne

[carla]

Loving too much, drinking and smocking far too much

Hi everyone. I am so frustrated, went to the doctor today who refused to give me the prescription. She said that I should go to the clinic if I feel like I am alcoholic, only there I can be treated properly and under care. About topomax or any other medication she didn't even want to hear anything of, she said medication doesn't help without attending to meetings with other drunkards, and concluded that she knew that we people who drink too much prefer to remain annonymous and it's a mistake. I left her with tears in my eyes. I felt so frustrated but the good thing is that I have been home for about three hours now and not touched any alcohol. Where do I go from here? Is it possible ordering the tabs on line? Thanks for yours.