Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

[reneesmiles]

I started this treatment program that focuses on the neurobiological aspects of addiction and uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Actually, I am learning a lot! It also incorporates the use of Vivitrol and Naltrexone tablets (because Vivitrol usually wears off before it is supposed to).

I paid $6,500.00 for this treatment out of my own pocket. The first month I did great! I only drank 7 times, which for me, was the least I've had in 3 years. Then August hit and I didn't do so well that month. I think I only had 6 days AF. Now this month (September) I have only had 3 days AF. The volume of my drinking has gone WAY down, but the frequency has not.

They talk a lot in my group about addiction being a neurobiological problem and an impulse control problem (which I agree with), but I cannot understand how I did so well the first month and from there I have gone downhill.

Every morning I wake up feeling guilty and shameful for drinking the night before. Even if it is just 1-2 drinks. When the Vivitrol shot wears off, I do tend to drink more (like a Pint or more).

My issue is that I want to be AF and cannot, for the life of me, figure out what is blocking me. Do I not think I deserve it? Am I just a freakin' lost cause?

I was in AA for 12 years and managed to get 5 years sober. Now I can't even get 2-3 days in a row.... with therapy, with meds.... etc.

I am not drinking to oblivion like I used to but I do notice changes in the way I think and respond to life. Being AF is wonderful and I WANT that back so desperately. I keep wondering "WHAT THE F#%K IS WRONG WITH ME????"

I am tired of this fight. I feel defeated and don't know how to pick myself back up. I'm trying to read more inspirational books and things like that.... but when my emotions take hold I am off to the liquor store. I hate this. Does anyone relate to this?

Am I just ambivalent and don't really want to quit even though I feel like shit every day that I wake up? Do I like beating the crap out of myself? Am I just fundamentally flawed?

I am so sick of this disease I swear. I wish I could kill it. If I could do things over again I would NEVER have taken even one sip of alcohol in my life.

Any advice? Anyone relate? I feel so alone in this. :sigh:

Thanks,
Renee

[bloggy]

Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

Renee

I am imagining you are taking the Naltrexone/Vivitrol for abstinence?

Then finding you are having trouble staying abstinent, which it seems is absolutely par for the course with naltrexone, some people find it helps them but in studies there have not been any real results long term. (Sorry I am useless at citing studies etc, but I am sure you could find them by doing some googling).

Are you familiar with the Sinclair method, because it sounds that by continuing to drink on the naltrexone, you are actually following the Sinclair Method, albeit unknowingly, and that it is working for you- your drinking is still regular but much less, punctuated by a few bigger hiccups in between maybe- that sounds like perfect progress for TSM, which usually takes around 6 months until a patient can say he or she is 'cured' therefore deciding to drink moderately or not at all.

I would say Keep at it, just keep on doing exactly what you are doing as long as you make sure you have some Naltrexone in your system before you have a drink- and do not go to great lengths to abstain, if you feel like a drink you should have one for the method to eventually have success.

I don't know how much you have read about the method, there is a lot of info on this board, do a search for Sinclair, TSM, Nal.

Or thesinclairmethod.com • Index page board.

and also Dr. Eskapa's Book- Amazon.com: The Cure for Alcoholism: Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort (9781933771557): Roy Eskapa PhD, David Sinclair PhD: Books .

Many people have had good success with the method- it is not overnight, but it sounds as if it is working perfectly for you.

[reneesmiles]

Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

Thank you for this information. I am looking into it right now. I hope it helps me eventually stop altogether. I can honestly tell when my Vivitrol shot wears off because I tend to drink more than 1-2 drinks. So I have the Naltrexone tablets on hand... they are just not as effective as the shot.

I asked my Counselor about Baclofen and he said it wasn't as effective as Naltrexone.... but that is not what I have read. We'll see.

Thank you so much for your feedback though. I really appreciate it.

Renee

[bloggy]

Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

There is plenty of info at the Sinclair Board- and Dr Eskapa pops in there from time to time, I am sure there are people there who can give you some good answers to your questions.

If I were you I would keep at it- just do what you are doing and give it another 3 to 4 months.

[Angelcakes]

Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

Hi Renee, I feel for you, I've been there in that frustrating place...when it feels that either way you can't win. You want to drink real bad but you know you'll feel like crap if you do...feels like a lose lose situation. I found keeping a journal quite good to help me deal with it.

:l xo

[Marshy]

Okay, so here's the deal with me.... NOT HAPPY....

Hi Renee,

Have you thought back to what worked for you before?

What was different when you managed to be sober for five years? (Which is a fantastic achievement, by the way.) You were in AA then - are you still going to AA? What other things helped you then - and are you still doing them?
What's changed that's hindering you this time? Different job/relationship/living situation etc.

I'd suggest going back to what worked for you then - and add in the new stuff as well if that seems to be helping. Have you discussed your frustration with your therapist?