How Have You Changed?

[rubywillow]

Since I found this site, a bit over a year ago, and today marks the first anniversary of my first REAL AF effort, I've been thinking about how my life is different, how it has changed over this time. There has been a lot of learning; experiences with people who have come and gone, those who were here and still are such inspirations, those who have lost their way and hopefully will return. I came here with the expectation of being able to moderate - the thought of never having another drink was too large to comprehend. After spending AF time, I've had periods of successful modding, but today I look back and ask myself honestly how successful they really were. Most of the time I was anxious about what might happen, what if 1 or 2 were 1 or 2 too many? How honest could I actually be, about what brought me here and had contributed to my problem? After time, and in part because of the meds I have to take, it became clear that AL was not in the cards for me. Why was it even an issue? Any sane person wouldn't have to think twice when considering their health, but I was doing it. Yes, I've had AL during this last year, but it gave me no pleasure, and in fact became a rock in my chest, a chain around my leg as I tried to move forward. MWO has finally, FINALLY, brought me to terms with the fact that this is my life, my only life, and AL was robbing me of all that was good. Everyday is a new experience. Everyday could be an adventure or a fall into the pit I'd dug myself over years of drinking. Yes, there is no 'destination', only the journey. I thank God, my friends, and MWO for making this the best year I've experienced in decades. I'd like to know, from all of you, how YOU have changed since you found this place. It seems our experiences help others, if even a little bit, so it is wonderful to share. Thank you,
Rubes

[Elsa]

How Have You Changed?

Hi
I haven't been here long, but the biggest change in my life is that I have hope for the first time in over 10 years. OK so I am not yet AF every day, but I now think it is possible for me to get there.

[sunbird]

How Have You Changed?

Yes it is quite possible, Elsa. Well done!

[AAthlete]

How Have You Changed?

The biggest change that I have gone through is accepting my life for what it is. I always wanted to be someone else (because I was a loser), and would use alcohol so that I could be that person in my mind - even if only for a little bit.

Now, for the most part, I am happy just being me.

[irishlady]

How Have You Changed?

Where to start. Tomorrow I will be celebrating the fact that I have now been AF for three years!!! My life has changed so much since I finally stopped drinking, physically, my health has improved, skin, hair, eyes are in much better condition. The biggest change though has been on an emotional level. My self esteem is now much higher then it ever was, I have a sense of pride in myself and I finally stopped blaming everyone else for the mess my life was in. One of the main reasons I did blame others for everything was it then gave me a good excuse to drink myself into oblivion most evenings. Notice I say excuse and not reason, I don't think we have reasons to drink so we find excuses to do it instead.

If anyone out there is struggling, please don't stop giving up, I didn't. It took me almost ten years of stopping and sliding back again before I finally hit it lucky and I have MWO and all the fine people here to thank for all the help and support they have given me.

Like AAthlete, I to am now happy just to be me, warts and all.

[greeneyes]

How Have You Changed?

OMG!! Irish!! That is fantastic!!

[Lavande]

How Have You Changed?

Rubes,

I can honestly say, since finding this place I have changed back into my old self! The one who believed in herself & was strong enough to handle life without falling into the wine bottle every night. I didn't even know or like the person I had become. Finally, my depression/anxiety are gone. My self esteem is back, I am a whole person once again and I am eternally grateful to MWO & all it's members!

[tlrgs]

How Have You Changed?

thank for sharing ruby.. and yes have done an awesome job .. and i will get back to you on how i change.. love ya

[Guest]

How Have You Changed?

Rubes; that was beautiful, as are you. You have come a long way, and you deserve to be happy.

How have I changed? I can be counted on. I'm taken seriously now. If I say something, it's not under any misconception anymore. I am me.

[hippie37]

How Have You Changed?

When I first came to MWO it was through the intention of meeting more like-minded people who were struggling with their alcoholism. I became a well-liked member (I guess!) quite early on and that served me well. Yet in hindsight I would say I remained stagnant in the community never really wanting to move away from that place of safety and so nothing ever moved forwards for me on an emotional level. I would make posts that, although unbeknownst to me at that time, I can see today as manipulating in order to keep being liked in the community. I was very much a people pleaser and I was afraid to challenge anyone or be challenged in case I either upset anyone or I felt somebody didn't like me. Again, in hindsight I probably learned the most about myself from being challenged by a few here who saw through me at that time.

I've had 2 lapses and a full blown relapse in the time I've been here. I've ended up in a relationship with a fellow MWO member that was doomed from the start. I've been aggressive when posting drunk on a number of occasions which has lead me to be banned more than once. I ended up using heroin again after many years clean. So I guess I would say all in all not a good track record here. Yet what I tried to portray was something very subtly different. I was still honest I guess but in a way that suited me.

So the biggest change for me here in THIS community is that I have a bit more integrity I guess. I will post as honestly as I can today but without any fear of being judged or not liked. As in any community there are always going to be people you do not see eye to eye with; that's just life. But I'm also not prepared to sit back and not say how I see it from my perspective as an addict who has a greater awareness of his own addictive behaviour. That is always done with love and concern and not in a derogatory way either.

I am aware that things I saw as weaknesses in a man I now see as strengths and good qualities to have. I am still ruled in many areas of my life by fear, but I have the courage today to try and work through that fear because I want a life beyond the obsession to use alcohol and drugs. I still have problems with connecting with my family and especially my daughter because I've been so disconnected with the world through my addiction. These wounds won't heal overnight but the more I put in the effort to make the changes the easier things will become. I've spent over 20 years in active addiction using alcohol and drugs to change the way I felt about myself because I always felt weak and inferior to my fellow man. But out of the darkness comes light and my journey today is through love and light and all things beautiful in this life.

If there is one thing I would say I would like to see more of on this forum though, it is that more people are willing to take things that one step further and step outside their comfort zone. Get honest with how you really feel, even it that is anger or disillusionment or sadness or self-pity or whatever. I was the most self-pitying bastard on here at times believe me. Don't wrap it up with a ribbon and a bow with a self diagnosis. Just say it how it is. I for one feel a lot more connected with those type of people because there is room for them to grow in this community because believe it or not there are actually people here who care and want to help. I stayed in that place of just letting people know what I wanted them to know for too long. Although it had served me well in the past, it did nothing to help me move out of the baby pool with armbands on into the deep pool with other survivors. Yes I may feel like I am drowning at times and it's scary but at least I'm giving life a go and I get great satisfaction that I am out of that baby pool or sitting on my cloud thinking I'm OK. Life is for living not sitting on clouds or paddling in the baby pool!!

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[Zeppie2]

How Have You Changed?

Well done to you rubes and everyone else

I am revelling in the fact that now when I turn up anywhere beaming and in fantastic humour people ask me what I am on and I reply LIFE

[rubywillow]

How Have You Changed?

What wonderful posts everyone, especially you, Hips. I've grown to know you over the past year and my admiration for you has also grown. You're honesty is so stirring, giving people real glimpses into what you have been through, and real hope for their own situations. Thank you, and God bless you.

[sunshine_gg]

How Have You Changed?

I'm a bit hesitant to talk about 'change'. Perhaps, because I don't trust this sobriety yet.

Like hipster did in his early days, I feel somewhat emotionally stagnant. I know that those around me see a difference, that life with me is better for them. Like Angie, I can be counted on now.

Thank you Ruby and all of you who responded... it's wonderful that you are really feeling changed.

Oh... and Irish!!???? THREE YEARS??? Wow... Congratulations. Just.. wow...

[keeta]

How Have You Changed?

I like myself.
That is the biggest change.
I used to loathe, hate, dislike just about everything about myself. My looks, my health, my lack of self control, my alcoholism, my drinking, all of it.

[one2many]

How Have You Changed?

Great thread.....

I have changed in a lot of ways since MWO....but the biggest one for me has to be the realisation that I CAN DO IT.
That it is just not only possible for others....

Stonger people..
Better people...
People with more resolve/willpower etc

I used to imagine myself without booze....not just for 30 days but without booze forever and it scared the shite out of me...It was something that COULD NOT be done.....something I COULD NEVER do.......


Wrong......thanks to MWO I am over a year sober...

I used to imagine not smoking for a week.......what a long time....I could NEVER do that......they keep me going.......I have given up the booze...I can't give up the fags too....

Wrong..I can..I am on 16 smoke free. Thanks to the support here from my friends at MWO.

So yes, I have changed....

I know now that what you think is impossible is possible..

I know now that the feeling of deprivation diminishes and one of greatitude replaces it in time.

I know that if you want something badly enough....you can make it happen

I know that each and every one of us have it within ourselves to make the changes to improve our lives.

I know that the support and the friendship I have got here is a powerful tool in my battle against my vices.


I know that I would NOT have changed if it were not for MWO....