Hi again. I have been telling myself recently that I am the most mannerless person this world has ever come across, ie. I have done so many things that are so damn embarassing under the influence of alcohol and it makes me feel so horrible today - my main cause of depression, therefore I need to hear your experiences if you wish to share, can make us come to terms.
My examples:
1. I have crossed the borders I guess, ie. disgraced others, who really had nothing to do with my problems, to an extent I have been banned from what was once my favourite pub _ I was moooooore than embarassed when the people who once enjoyed my presence recently told me that I was still welcome at their place but would only be served alcohol-free drinks because I had disgraced the boss a weekend earlier, so I walked out, but the next day was horror for me, how could he dare embarass me like that infront of all other customers always treated me like a princess......
2. I have lied a lot when drinking, too much that it sickens when I think of it without alc, ie. phoned people(a common result when I'm drinking at home) that I dislike and told them how much I liked them. Promised people I knew were desperately in need that I would offer them financial support whereby I would have needed more support myself; but when they phoned back to remind me of my promise I felt so embarassed and, honestly, made my promise which have always costed hundreds of Euros.
3. The worse action for me ever, or recently, started happening when I fell in love with my lawyer. We met about a year ago, the first day was on it's own frustrating because we looked at each for almost 40 seconds without a word......, then I broke it. 2 people asked me after the meeting if I felt better, to my surprise, I told them that I had fallen in love........
After realizing how more stupid I was becoming, I stopped thinking of it...love..... Then, followed his phone calls, ie. on weekends, evenings, or other invitations....After a bottle of champagne one eve, I wrote him an sms saying that I had him in my heart - meant it, and went to bed. When I woke up the next day and when I thought about it, all I needed was a hole to be burried into. How could I? Thought he'd respond immediately now that I had said something constructive. No way! Didn't eat for days coz he never replied. Clouded with shame. 2 weeks later still waiting for a reply, each day with a bottle of whatever I decided to brake the silence, nothing came.
The intimidation was enough, so I sms'd , sober, for the last time that I was extremely sorry. When I was just deliting his nr. from my phone, he sms'd (short and boring)that he liked my message so much - it made him happy. After a bottle of whatever that eve I phoned him, he said again how much my sms made him so happy, and that we should wait and see what happens, when I got up the next day, until today, I feel extremely sick, how dare I tell a man, and not only a man, my lawywer who is one year married such things...this was my heaviest hit so far......
What's yours dear? Help. English is my third language, but I hope you people really get my message, forget about the grammer, okay?
Loads of hugs. Carla
My examples:
1. I have crossed the borders I guess, ie. disgraced others, who really had nothing to do with my problems, to an extent I have been banned from what was once my favourite pub _ I was moooooore than embarassed when the people who once enjoyed my presence recently told me that I was still welcome at their place but would only be served alcohol-free drinks because I had disgraced the boss a weekend earlier, so I walked out, but the next day was horror for me, how could he dare embarass me like that infront of all other customers always treated me like a princess......
2. I have lied a lot when drinking, too much that it sickens when I think of it without alc, ie. phoned people(a common result when I'm drinking at home) that I dislike and told them how much I liked them. Promised people I knew were desperately in need that I would offer them financial support whereby I would have needed more support myself; but when they phoned back to remind me of my promise I felt so embarassed and, honestly, made my promise which have always costed hundreds of Euros.
3. The worse action for me ever, or recently, started happening when I fell in love with my lawyer. We met about a year ago, the first day was on it's own frustrating because we looked at each for almost 40 seconds without a word......, then I broke it. 2 people asked me after the meeting if I felt better, to my surprise, I told them that I had fallen in love........
After realizing how more stupid I was becoming, I stopped thinking of it...love..... Then, followed his phone calls, ie. on weekends, evenings, or other invitations....After a bottle of champagne one eve, I wrote him an sms saying that I had him in my heart - meant it, and went to bed. When I woke up the next day and when I thought about it, all I needed was a hole to be burried into. How could I? Thought he'd respond immediately now that I had said something constructive. No way! Didn't eat for days coz he never replied. Clouded with shame. 2 weeks later still waiting for a reply, each day with a bottle of whatever I decided to brake the silence, nothing came.
The intimidation was enough, so I sms'd , sober, for the last time that I was extremely sorry. When I was just deliting his nr. from my phone, he sms'd (short and boring)that he liked my message so much - it made him happy. After a bottle of whatever that eve I phoned him, he said again how much my sms made him so happy, and that we should wait and see what happens, when I got up the next day, until today, I feel extremely sick, how dare I tell a man, and not only a man, my lawywer who is one year married such things...this was my heaviest hit so far......
What's yours dear? Help. English is my third language, but I hope you people really get my message, forget about the grammer, okay?
Loads of hugs. Carla
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