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    #1

    Question for Parents

    Me and my son have (or at least I always thought) a great relationship. And although I'm sure he is more aware than he lets on, he doesn't say anything (which I'm sure most kids wouldn't). I'm wondering how this is effecting him. It's like this big elephant in the room that we don't talk about. He caught me reading Dr. Ameisens (sp?) book last night. Now I really wonder what he thinks. I don't know what to say to him and have decided to just show him first. I'm tapering down quite a bit and am planning some AF time to get my head clear.

    I was just wondering about other parents experience. How did your relationship with your kids change once you stopped?

    :l
    Ak
    :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Question for Parents

    Hi AK, I'm not sure I have any answers for you since I quit when my kids were still so young (thank heavens)...they are just 3 and 1. The one thing that got to me was when my 3 year old kept saying all the time "Mommy likes her wine" and that really started to feel yucky to me.

    I just wanted to pass along that I think in general if your child is old enough to read what the title of Dr. A's book is and understand that, he should be old enough to understand that you have a disease that is difficult to overcome, and more honesty is better than less.

    All the best to you and good luck. :groupluv:

    Comment

      #3
      Question for Parents

      Hey AK :l

      Mine were a couple of years older when things really got out of hand. The relationship with both my kids is MUCH better now. My daughter is away at college now but we talk pretty much every day. My son and I recently had a very open and honest conversation (it dealt mostly with his friend and his alcoholic parents - but shifted to us during the course of it).

      Perhaps, just make yourself AVAILABLE to answer questions. You don't have to spill your guts to him - just let him know that you're there and willing to address ANYTHING he would like to discuss.
      Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

      Winning since October 24th, 2013

      Comment

        #4
        Question for Parents

        Hiya AK,
        How old is your son? I thought the best way to answer your question was to ask my daughter (15) what she thought. She's sat next to me now watching the pride of britain awards on the telly.
        She said she was glad she was told about my drinking although she already knew what was going on anyway. Being in the picture she says stopped her imagination running riot and knowing i had a plan to stop drinking ( rehab ) put her mind at rest that this wasn't going to go on forever or until it killed me.

        I didn't realise she thought like that but putting myself into her shoes i can imagine how she would. And she'd be right.

        Asking her how our relationship is now she said we are a lot closer.
        We are a lot closer and i have noticed lots of other little details, we laugh together a lot more, we can hold a conversation without it just being out of politeness. We can plan for the future. And that proberly is the biggest releif to her.
        I have 2 girls and 3 boys altogether. The girls are 15 and 14 and the boys are 4,7 and 10. Each with regards to my drinking were treated according to age and personality. Although there is only a year between my daughters one preferred to chat and be completly in the picture while the other just wanted reassurance and a cuddle. The boys rightly or wrongly i didnt think were old enough and proberly didnt have the right personality, by that i mean i think it would have done more harm than good to tell them.

        I have proberly confused you even more now (sorry). Just to say as far as children are concerned in my opinion the BEST thing is to just quit.
        Best of luck to you AK:l
        I don't care who you are...Your not walking on water while i'm fishing..
        One drink is too many... A thousand is never enough...Sober since July 2nd 2009

        Comment

          #5
          Question for Parents

          My children have a dad now.

          They knew when I was drunk all right, but didn't have the words to tell me. Or maybe I wasn't listening???

          They are 12 & 10, respectively.

          I've only been sober since 21/08, but in that short period of time, my relationship with them have come a helluva long way.

          I am able to kiss them goodnight. They actually want me to give them a hug.

          I am grateful beyond belief.

          Need I say more?
          I'll do whatever it takes
          AF 21/08/2009

          Comment

            #6
            Question for Parents

            Better. Miles and miles better. I hope they have learned they can trust me now. Trust me to be present, available, reliable, all the things a parent should be. In a year when I have been sober a lot longer, I hope they will have no doubts about mommy being THERE. It takes time, but I am SO grateful I quit before it was too late. Before they lived their entire life at home with me, with me being drunk.
            This year I will do all school trips, activities, and I am the secretary/treasurer of the PAC. I will be present in their lives. I want so much to provide them with a safe stable home life. Being sober is the ONLY way I can do that.
            Striving to live life without ALCOHOL

            Comment

              #7
              Question for Parents

              my children are 17,20,& 24.even though i dont live with them i see them a lot more now that i am sober,I have talked to them about my drinking and they have read THIS WAS MY LIFE post here and are extremely proud of me,there words.The relationship i have now with my children is great and getting better as i am there for them now anytime they want me and i listen and talk to them about everything,I sometimes feel very guilty about the way i was but i cant change that.Anyway over all with me it is just brilliant that i have my children and am there for them :thanks:


              :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

              Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
              I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

              This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

              Comment

                #8
                Question for Parents

                Kids are very forgiving and nonjudgemental but I know I do a waaaay better job as a dad sober. Life is too short to pass out and fast forward through it.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Question for Parents

                  My kids are 9 and 6. My relationship with them is soooooooooooooo much better since I have stopped drinking. In my life before abstinence, alcohol really ruled my head and decision making. All decisions I made took into account when I could have my next drink. Totally selfish really. My eldest used to say 'Mummys dizzy'. It was not so much the drinking that they used to comment on, more the effects that it had on my mood, I was very irritable and not a very tolerant person, they used to say a fair amount, 'you're scaring me mummy'. Quite shocking really, I never want to go back there.

                  Now I have a much healthier relationship with them and I genuinely enjoy their company, something I used to struggle with. This is a great thread, it has really got me thinking nad thanking my lucky stars!!!!

                  Dora

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Question for Parents

                    AK--my boys are 15 and 11. I guess our relationships are better....but they have told me they miss me drinking. I guess I was (appeared) happier and more easy going. We used to go out more, so they were either on their own or with us or with friends. We also used to go out with SIL and BIL and get drunk enough we would spend the night at their house which the kids miss also. So, from their perspective, they miss happy, carefree mom. But they have also said they are proud of me and that I look better. I know in my heart I am a better, more available mom, which in the long run is in their best interest.

                    If they are old enough, and it has been an issue, I would consider talking to him. :l
                    _______________
                    NF since June 1, 2008
                    AF since September 28, 2008
                    DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                    _____________
                    :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                    5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                    _______________
                    The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Question for Parents

                      Interesting comment. I have heard my daughter say " I like it when mommies drunk because I can ask for anything and she'll say yes". Even more reason to quit, as parents we may be subliminally reinforcing that it's cool to be buzzed.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Question for Parents

                        Thank you all for your responses. Part of me thought it wasn't really effecting him but in my heart I know it is. I want to be a better Mom and am going to do everything I can to get there.

                        :l
                        Ak
                        :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Question for Parents

                          Akgirl,

                          It's taken me ages to reply but here goes.

                          My kids came home from school one day I just said that I'd rung the AA help line.( I'm sure they knew I had a problem long before I did). If you'd seen the look of relief on their faces it was worth more than a lottery win.

                          That was 8 years ago and it's been a long hard struggle but I've always been very open with them.

                          Today they are very proud of me. I'm having lunch with my daughter tomorrow. 5 months ago she could barely speak to me.

                          Best of luck sweetheart, he's probably got wisdom beyond his years.

                          Love Jackie xxx

                          AF since 7/7/2009

                          :l
                          It could be worse, I could be filing.
                          AF since 7/7/2009

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Question for Parents

                            Sorry forgot to say they were 13 and 15 at the time.

                            x
                            It could be worse, I could be filing.
                            AF since 7/7/2009

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Question for Parents

                              Really JC?

                              They were that relieved? I just feel like such a failure, and admitting it to him......I just don't know. I mean, Ive had a few discussions about AL but never just came out and said the plain truth. I always think I hide it well. I don't have hangovers and usually don't drink until its bed/movie time. He probably thinks "how dumb does she think I am, of course I know."
                              But for now I am just going to keep doing the best I can until it feels like the right time to talk to him. Actions speak louder than words right?. I am getting a handle on AL and once I feel a bit stronger I feel I will have the right attitude and hopefully the right words.

                              Thanks again everyone.
                              :l
                              Ak
                              :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.

                              Comment

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