Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

[scrubbly]

Ok, I knew that would grab some of you lovely grandmothers/grandfathers out there....I'm really struggling over the last few days.

My mom has thrown me down really hard....this is going to be a bit of a long story. I was raised Catholic...12 years of Catholic schooling, Mass every Sunday, all the holidays, the whole bit. Well, after I left home, I lapsed big time, and have never returned to the faith. I have continued to go to Mass on Easter, Mother's Day, and Christmas with my mom out of respect for her and to do the "family" thing, but she is well aware that I don't go any other time of the year.

I was married in a secular way, and when my first child was born did not get him baptized, which killed her, she started to cry (and my mother is NOT an outwardly emotional person at all) and hung up the phone on me - I told her I have enough respect for Catholicism that I would not stand up in front of the congregation and promise to raise my child(ren) in that faith when I have no intention of doing so.

That was 3 1/2 years ago...and this weekend my oldest son starting going to Sunday school at the Unitarian church (where my husband has belonged his whole life). And this raised the whole issue again...not just of the fact that I have no intention of raising my kids Catholic - which I thought had been made clear, but my mother is not speaking to me, and said to me that she hasn't cried so much since her MOTHER DIED and says she can't believe what a failure she is as a parent since I'm so clearly an "empty vessel" since she could not impart to me anything about being Catholic because I told her organized religion doesn't hold anything for me - it is like she has been in denial for the last 21 years that I am still a Catholic who is either going to church in "secret" or is saying rosaries when no one is looking or something....

HELP! I know she is angry and hurt and sad....but I'm out here feeling like a total waste of a person....can any of you in the position of parents to adult children and grandparents help me find words to say to her that might work or help????

[JackieClaire]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Oh Scrubbly,

How I relate to your post.

1st you are a good,fine kind person.

2nd I can't get over all this bother about religion. I have many friends of different creeds, colour and sex. As long as they're nice they are welcome in my home.

I have just come out of counselling about my mother/daughter issues and she died 4 years ago.

I had my kids christened, my brother didn't. I bet you can easily guess who was in the right.

I love my little brother to bits and he has no real idea of the misery I went through.

To be honest at times I just wanted to tell her to get stuffed but I bit my lip 'til it nearly bled.

Love Jackie xxx

[JackieClaire]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Sorry Scrubbly,

Didn't really answer your question. But that sure felt good to have a bit of vent.

:thanks:

J x

[puddytat]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Oh, Scrubbly, I'm a lapsed Catholic too -- intentionally. But I'm not a Grandma -- nor a Mom ... so never will be. But the Puddyclone has 4 kids, 2 already grown, and she is deeply religious. However, she chose not to baptize any of her kids, nor to commit to any certain religion beyond general Christianity. (We were raised Catholic -- 6 yrs of Grade school in Catholic school)

I know my 92 y.o. Gram & recently deceased 99 y.o Gramps are disappointed to have so very few active Catholics out of their 10 kids ... all who had 12 yrs expensive, private Catholic education. (their hit rate is a dismal 2 kids out of 10!)

Sounds like my grandparents are more forgiving and cool about it than your mom, sorry to say. And one their kid is gay, came out in the 1970s for gosh-sakes -- and they were really, really cool about that! Even back then. (yet when my mom had me out of wedlock, they were really NOT cool about that. um, I think they grew)
They remain(ed) deeply committed to their faith, but don't impose it on their children. Wish your mom could 'live and let live" like my grandparents learned to do.

As Jackie said, you're a very good person. You don't deserve this. And am sure you, like I, have a plethora a reasons for not staying with the Catholic church. History -- even recent history -- certainly has provided enough reasons (sorry if I've offended any active Catholics. It's not my intention to be disrespectful, but do take issue with a few things, which is why I declined Catholicism)

Aw Scrubbly, sorry you're put on a guilt trip over religion. -- especially in this day and age!! Puddy

[Lavande]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Scrubby,

This is coming from yet another lapsed Catholic.
Tell your mother to get over it!! No matter which church door we choose to walk through we are all worshiping one God!
I left the Catholic religion because I could no longer listen to a bunch of small-minded hypocrites & bigots. My kids were baptized in the Lutheran church, attended Sunday school & received all the same sacraments there. My mom completely understood, raised no objections, whatsoever!

Tell your mom you love her but not the guilt trip
My apologies if I offended any current Catholics

Stick to your beliefs Scrubbly, they're the olny ones that really count........

[scrubbly]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Thanks Jackie, Puddy, and Lav....

After reading Irish's story yesterday, I realize how lucky I am that my mother is still HERE.

What a shite I am!!! :blush:

She is out of town for about a week and a half, just enough time for both of us to cool off and collect our thoughts, and I will then muster up the courage to swallow my pride, be the good daughter, and prove to her that you don't need to be a practicing Catholic to be a good, forgiving person and welcome her home from her trip with open arms.

MWO is such a blessing!!

[nancy]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

It's a difficult subject. This is a generational issue. Tons of people leave the faith.
Younger people are a lot less likely to believe or to follow organized religion.

Does she think that making you feel guilty will make you go back or is she just genuinely heartbroken?

One possible solution in my mind is for her to talk about the issue to other people her age, who no doubt also have kids who left the faith. Does she have sisters and brothers? Friends who are going through the same thing? Might be good for her to share her feelings with them and for her to try to get over it.

[scrubbly]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

Thanks Nancy, you hit the nail on the head, it is very much generational for her. She I currently visiting with her eldest brother out of state for abou 10 days and I hope she talks this over with him as they are both very conservative in their views, but he also has grown children with grandkids who are not Catholic.

[Popeye]

Hey Grandparents....need advice (long post)

I too am a lapsed Catholic. I have no animosity towards the church, I just left it.
I'm also a grandparent and I think that the generational theory is spot on.
My daughter refuses to have her children baptised as she is against organised religion, though I suspect there is more than a hint of rebellion in her choice.
My mother-in-law is as devout a woman as you'll ever meet and the fact that her great-grandchildren aren't baptised upsets her greatly. She says that they are being denied entry to heaven, though she has made her views clear and doesn't impose them too much.
My wife is also devout, and has also made her views clear but isn't so upset; accepting that the more she argues the point, the less likely her views are to be accepted, and that if the children lead a good life, they'll get to heaven regardless.
I understand how 'old school' religion, with it's emphasis on fear of exclusion from heaven has older people feeling the way they do, but the choice is entirely yours to make, at least until they grow up and choose for them selves.
Just my thoughts....