Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

[De-Sauced]

Your thoughts please?

I am now on day 5 of being AF. This past Saturday, I consumed a 5th of whiskey while tinkering in the garage. MY wife of 18yrs, of course was not impressed with this behavior.

In the past, we had a few conversations regarding me being drunk, although I must say, my wife would have be shocked by the amount, but never informed her of it (only to say, I had a couple?). Sadly my tolerance had been increasing to high levels.

My goal of course is to eliminate my problem altogether. I find that MWO is great as a recovery support plan, along with daily determination. I am not into AA, and don?t feel like divulging much detail in person to the general public, including my wife.

Not telling my wife, revolves around pride and judgment. My concern of course that by telling my wife, message will be carried through the whole ?in-law? family, etc?, even though the conversation would be to remain within the proverbial 4 walls.

For those with more experience, what has been your level of openness with your friends and family members? Any recommendations or regrets? :thanks:

[scrubbly]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Hi Sail, welcome and congrats on the 5 days thus far.

My initial thought is that actions speak louder than words at this point, and you are very early in the AF days.

If she brings it up with YOU then I always think honesty is the best policy though.

Good luck to you. :welcome:

[YoungAtHeart]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

I don't have a husband, so I don't know, but I have been open with my family and friends about it. I have a great family and friends, however, and they all supported me when I was still drinking, and even more so, now that I'm not.

Can you ask your wife to keep this between the two of you for now? If she can respect your wishes to not make this an open topic of conversation, I would tell her. Also, do you trust her to not be judgemental? Some people have told their spouses and have regretted it. I'm fortunate that this hasn't happened to me with my support system.

[greeneyes]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

One night, in the throes of sweating and vomiting, I fessed up. Husb was scared and was considering hospital. I told him "why" I was sick. I was sick alone and scared and made him promise to never ever tell anyone. He held me in his arms and rocked me and promised to never let me go. It was a special moment. That's not how things turned out but for that moment it was real and special and I will always be appreciative for that. Sometimes we need to listen to our heart and follow that. Brains.... they are so busy and cluttered. I say tell her, just my 2 cents. And congrats on the days!!

[AAthlete]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Sail, I don't think you need to regale her with tales of how much you can drink in a day, but at I am an advocate of being open and honest with your spouse. The hardest part for me was admitting to myself how much of a problem I truly had, and it didn't seem real until I told someone else about it. At that point it was out in the open, and I actually felt relief over doing it, as I was no longer hiding of denying my drinking from her or myself.

That being said, don't expect overnight miracles from her, as lots of spouses have heard the story about this positively, absolutely being the last time..... The 'proof is in the pudding' so to speak, and you can show her how dedicated you are by simply sticking to your word over time. Believe me - it works AND you can do it.

Best of luck to you and welcome to MWO.

[akgirl]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

With me it is my son not my spouse I am concerned about telling, so I suppose it's a bit different. But I am still feeling like actions will speak louder.

Another thought I had was......if I tell, I will be held more acountable(good)......if I tell and fail, I will be more ashamed(bad).

Its a hard decision, only you know your wife. Think about it, and choose your words carefully.

Good Luck
:l
Ak

[Popeye]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Hi Sail4life.
I've always been open about my drinking, mainly because it was obvious to anyone with eyes how deep my problem had become, but I would never be ashamed to let a partner know that I was trying to get better. Having someone on your side to give you a cuddle and tell you that they're proud of you would be such a help. The downside to this is that if you do fail, then it may be assumed that you're not really serious, even though you're giving it your best shot, and the more failures, the less trust there is the next time.
This however, is no reason not to try; again and again if necessary until you get it right, which you will if you don't let go of what you want.
Good luck and keep coming back here. It's a wonderful place.

[DriftyAlison0]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Yes I would. She would know about it and can help you on your journey.

[Lavande]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Hi Sail4life,

Welcome and congrats on your 5 AF days! That's great, keep it going.........

If you are sure that your wife & others would receive your news with a positive attitude then I would tell them.
BUT, if you're not sure how they would receive the news that you have joined MWO then I would advise you to keep it to yourself, at least for a while.

The reason I say this is because I told a few people (spouse included) when I joined MWO & received negative responses, from all of them. They all told me the same thing - A website can't help you stop drinking & you need to go to AA!

Well, here I am over 6 months AF & most grateful to this program & the wonderful support I've received from all the members. This program does work!
I've decided to keep this program & my success to myself! The negative people in my life can just wonder

Whatever you decide to do - I wish you the best. Please feel free to join us on the Newbies Nest thread too.

[LVT25]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

IMHO you should SHOW her not TELL her. Make sure you a truly ready to commit to this before you make any promises to her. After some time, then you can discuss it with her. Only you can make this decision of course. I would be thrilled if my hubby talked to me about his quitting drinking, but I know from my first marriage what a let down it can be when it doesn't happen.
Stick with us, it is a great program!

[De-Sauced]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

Thank you all for your input. Indeed honesty is important, as I am with her.

I am committed to success in this program. Without a doubt a conversation with will come as some point in time, more so as an inquiry from my wife. That is, "I noticed that you have not been drinking as of late...".

When my 30 days go by, then it will be easier to open up with more confidence. I totally agree on letting her know, ties to accountability. At this time, I will remain accountable to myself. I was able to quit tobacco use (chew) cold turkey out of commitment to myself (no my wife didn't know about that one either). Alike with the tobacco, I will do the same with AL.

By the way, what does IMHO mean?

[christyacc]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

LVT25;732409 wrote: IMHO you should SHOW her not TELL her. Make sure you a truly ready to commit to this before you make any promises to her. After some time, then you can discuss it with her. Only you can make this decision of course. I would be thrilled if my hubby talked to me about his quitting drinking, but I know from my first marriage what a let down it can be when it doesn't happen.
Stick with us, it is a great program!

Great job of 5 days AF!!!!

I am a firm believer of showing not telling, actions speak louder than words. I have told my husband many times that I would stop or cut back, and I feel it's just better for them to notice on their own, and they WILL notice!!!!

Keep up the great work!!!!

[scrubbly]

Should I tell about AF plans to my wife?

IMHO - "In My Humble Opinion"

I usually say IMNSHO

In
My
Not
So
Humble
Opinion

Cuz usually I'm not too humble about my thoughts and opinions.