I'm an ungrateful moron

[sunshine_gg]

This is more to set myself straight than anything else - feel free to subject yourself to my ranting but get at least a sandwich and your non alcoholic beverage of choice now.

So, I've finally finished up at my house - it's ready to sell. Not, the way I'd like it to show but the best I can do after the rental disaster. The whole weekend I was miserable, on the verge of tears or balling my eyes out, aggravated, barking at Mr. Wonderful, bitching about all sorts of irrelevant nonsense. Feeling very sorry for myself. Seeing all MY STUFF go out the door, never to be seen again. Really, not owning a thing anymore. Feeling horribly vulnerable. Letting go of all my little security blankets. If Mr. Wonderful were to kick me to the curb next week, I'd stand there with the clothes on my back.

What a load of crock. With the kids growing up and moving out, the house and property is way too big for me. See for yourself Strange, how my back issues and my arm/shoulder have gotten MUCH better since I moved in with Mr. Wonderful last October. Gee, maybe 77acres was a little too much to take care of... ya think? But, I did it, didn't I? And I did it well, too. On my own. On my terms. Yes, Sir. And, in there somewhere lays the answer. Control freak. I always thought that being a control freak was NECESSARY for me. I mean, I raised and supported my kids alone from age 6 and 7, have no family on this continent, ex-asshole is the poster boy for dead beat dad - I HAD to take charge, right? Sure I did. But, I'm finding that I'm just a control freak period. Has nothing to do with external circumstances - no, that's actually who/what I am. If I don't feel that I call the shots, I'm utterly lost. Panicky, even.

I found my Mr. Wonderful, who has been just that from the moment we met. Stands by me through whatever is on the agenda, supports me in every way possible, opens his home to me and my kids, works like crazy to rehabilitate a field so I can bring my horse here, and ever so cautiously offers to take some of the load off my shoulders (oh, he knows how defensive I get when someone wants to help - after all, I can do it all by myself). And, even after all the shit I put him through, seems to have no inclination to kick me to the curb any time soon.

So, I'm trying desperately to get to gratitude mode. Looking back, I have accomplished much. I fulfilled and LIVED my dreams. Pretty much all of them. When I was 18, a friend and I had a conversation where we pretended to have a million and laid out what we wanted in life. I wanted 2 kids, I eventually wanted to have my own business, and I wanted to live in the country with horses and all sorts of critters. I did all of it. Except the million $$. How freaking lucky am I? After some unfortunate relationship choices I finally find someone I truly adore. And the feeling is mutual. How freaking lucky am I? After many ups and downs and some dark times, I'm finally managing my life without the crutch of AL. How freaking lucky am I?

Looking ahead, I have a family room to create and furnish. Mr. Wonderful has a beautiful home full of family treasures. But it isn't mine. And it does not reflect who I am at all. So, I will make one room for all of us to come together, but also to make this MY HOME. Looking ahead, I will have to stand by my 18 year old daughter and help her as much as I can - news is, she is pregnant. Not at ALL what I want for her at this stage in her life. But, she has more than I did. At least, she will have her mother by her side. And, in one teensy little corner of my heart, I may even look forward to being a grand mother. I did say TEENY ITTY BITTY corner, right? :H

Ok. Enough with the whining - there are things to get done. Life is motion, right? And forward is the way to get places. So, instead of bemoaning what I'm leaving, I will look forward to what is about to come. I think.

[startingover]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Wow Sunny! No wonder you are in a state of shall we say flux? Maybe its fear more than depression or feeling ungrateful.
If it was me, I would be damn scared feeling like I was giving my control away like that when I had coped so well for all the previous years.
I personally think its natural what you are feeling. Not easy, but go with it. Allow yourself to grieve what you are leaving behind.
I reckon you will pull yourself out of this very soon, but go easy on yourself, you are going through a lot right now.

[dancelot]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Sunshine -

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now. I get overwhelmed with a lot less going on. It's also different dealing with your feelings when we don't have our AL crutch. I can't tell you how many times I say to myself "no wonder I drank" (not that I act on it). I find the "letting go" of the control thing is a lot like the "one day, hour, minute at a time thing". I don't think I'm a control freak, other than that I take care of me, I never ask for help (I'd be embarrassed to), if I fuck up, I have to fix it, or deal with the consequences. I have to break it into very small pieces, take very baby steps and not beat myself up over the fact I'm showing "weakness".

When you're doing over the one room, could you maybe set aside an area that is "all yours"? I mean even a corner with your own chair, table, pictures, etc. A space within a space that is all yours (even if someone walking in the room might not even know it). I know I probably have way too much attachment to my own possessions, but having no space that was mine might bother me.

This reminds me of a friend of mine who I was helping out last Christmas. She also finally has her dream place, 20 acres, house, barn, new haybarn, new workshop/office/guesthouse, and a small apartment another friend of hers lives in (so there's always someone to care for the horses). The first friend had a serious back problem going on, and was basically disabled temporarily, her friend was going out of town for a week, and I'm always the backup person they call.

She actually offered to let me rent the 2nd apartment/office and workshop, and included horse board for an insanely low amount of money (rereading this I now know I am truly insane). The catch was, I'd be living in her apartment/office, with her furniture/decorating, she has access at any time (her Internet connection is in there), and I must give it up twice a year when her family visits (go somewhere else or camp out on the other friend's floor). The owner is also a huge control freak (though an excellent horsewoman, trainer, and licensed dressage judge). In some ways I think it would be good for me (letting go), in others, not so sure.

I didn't mean to ramble or go off subject. I think Starting has very valid points (and she's more concise than I am). If nothing else, be grateful for sobriety - I had a moment in the last couple weeks dealing with getting some very old unpaid invoices taken care of, and had the fleeting thought that I might be one the street sooner rather than later. Then the thought occurred to me "yeah, but I'll be a SOBER homeless person!" :H

Anyway, try to roll with it, if you think about it you're probably pretty tough and can weather a lot. Venting is good as well - I find writing out my thoughts is really therapeutic, and written down a whole lot clearer than when floating round in my head!

Take care! :h

[Cinders]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Oh, Sunny.

Many hugs. Many.

Love you,
Cindi

[Lavande]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Sunni,

You know full well you really want to follow me in my Grandma footsteps
Our little guy is entertaining himself right now in his jumpseat while I write this - your heart will melt the minute you meet your grandchild!!!! You know me - I never tell lies!

Look forward my friend - the best is yet to be

Hugs,
Lav

[RedThread12]

I'm an ungrateful moron

My heart's out to you, Sunni. I'm 53 now and I've found that there is something uncannily unnerving and de-stabilizing ANY time I move, even if all the circumstances are by choice and it's all good.

It always surprises me how powerfully it affects me, and I've never moved from anything more than an apartment or house, much less a total "environment" such as you describe. This just to let you know that it's so not surprising that a lot of "stuff" is coming up for you.

I have this great idea for a bumper-sticker, and it applies perfectly here: "Never underestimate the possibility that things are NOT AT ALL like you think they are!"

We get micro-focused, sometimes. I often find solace in reminding myself that I'm actually not in control of anything! And there's always a bigger picture unfolding even while I'm freaking out about that.

I know that you know this discomfort will pass and that, as Lav says, "the best is yet to be." But just for now please be ever so compassionate with yourself, like I've seen you be with so many of us . . .

[LVT25]

I'm an ungrateful moron

I think you have a great attitude--very insightful. Congratulations!:h

[scrubbly]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Moron? NO.

Ungrateful? Maybe momentarily, but you are getting it back.

Insightful? YES.

On the right track? DEFINITELY.

:l

[sunshine_gg]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Thank you, dear ones. I'm doing better today, I think. I'll come around, I know. It's just hard sometimes to keep things in perspective. All of this is about 'stuff' - nobody died. Nothing horrible happened.

And, as for my girl... well, of course I look forward to being a granny (*cringe) but I was thinking in 5-8 years or so I certainly didn't want her to have to raise a child on her own. I know how difficult that is - and, I seriously doubt that the relationship with her b/f is going to last. I was just hoping to help her be more prepared for life, you know?

I just need to get through the next week or so and hold on to my 'new' life. The drinking voices have been obscenely loud this past week. Yesterday in particular. I don't want to cave - I don't want to surrender my sobriety. THAT thought truly scares the crap out of me.

I'm ever so grateful for MWO - for YOU guys :l I can voice SOME of my thoughts/feelings to others - but not the drinking part. Nobody would understand. You do. Thank you so much.

[DeeBee]

I'm an ungrateful moron

(((GG)))

Dare I say "congrats"?
I was 18 when I fell pregnant but was lucky enough to be head over heals with the Dad, my dear hubby of now 15 years. It's not easy being a child and being pregnant -- your daughter will need you now more than ever... she's very lucky to have you:-)

[LookingToGrow]

I'm an ungrateful moron

GG, if you are a moron so am I 'cause you're one of my fav peeps...LOL!! You have some wonderful chapters in your life that have closed but the pride and memories will never fade, if you don't let them. God has given you new chapters to write. I think you can see the homework assignment ahead of you. Knock yourself out with the familyroom and make your granny corner 'cause that baby will steal your heart - all of it! I am not quite 50 and have 6 grands. Only 1 was planned and only 2 are my blood but I love them all to bits!!! I've been through teen motherhood, problem pregnancies, and long distance ones too. I am here for you 110% 24/7 :h

[sunbird]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Sweet Sunshine, you are no Moron, but an incredibly wise and strong person.

It is hard and it is difficult for your daughter, but it is.....

And she has you!

Little P has seen her dad twice since she was 3 weeks old, when he ran away and got into cocaine in addition to AL. So she's much, much better off without him!

We are all here, and will support you through this, but my advice to you, is to get involved in what will be one of the most rewarding adventures in your life!

Lots of Love to you, for all that you are and all you give to others here.

[universal]

I'm an ungrateful moron

sunshine,

Oh honey I do know how you feel after moving into my "mr Wonderfuls" house this summer. It is hard when we have done it on our own for so long to feel like we are giving away our independence.

Try to remember that you are NOT giving away your independence - you are creating a new joint venture. And he sounds like he will do anything to help you feel comfortable.

It's scary to jump in with both feet especially when we have done it for so long on our own - but you know what? We deserve to be happy too, even when it's scary as hell.

Your feelings are very normal - you are not ungrateful - you are mourning what feels like the loss of a big part of your life - take the time and remember all the wonderful things you did on your own. And now think of all the wonderful things that are waiting for you in this new chapter of your life.

Hugs honey.

Uni

[irish eyes]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Sunny, first of all you are no moron, you have proved that by being a great Mom and provider,running a 70 acre farm and maintaining a beautiful house and to cap it all you have met your Mr Wonderful. You have many golden memories that will always be with you but as someone said it is important to grieve the passing of this era. Of course you wouldnt be human if you dident have some anxiety about letting go of your security blanket. Somebody once said ' it is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end' and what a journey.

[Draggy]

I'm an ungrateful moron

sunnybum
28 years ago i left my home, family, my homecountry to follow mr. draggy and it was not easy but the best thing i have ever done.
5 years ago my nineteen yr old daughter told me she was pregnant and sure it was not something we wanted for her so early in life but we went with the flow and stood by her all the way and were delighted when little aaron came in to our world, he's such a joy.
he is 4 and roisin 24 and the best mother you could want for a child.
if you followed my woes in july you have to see he was born for a reason so early in her life.
i believe things happen for a reason.
anyway sunny, i think you're great and a beautiful person on the inside.
(too bloody beautiful on the outside)
big hugs and lots of love

draggy