Early Christmas dilemma!

[Marshy]

I'm sure there'll be LOTS for people between now and then :H

Here's mine:

My parents want to come and stay with me for a week in December. They want to do some Christmas shopping in London, see some exhibitions/shows etc. They both drink a lot, are possibly alcoholics (who knows? :H) and the last time they stayed with me I was drinking as well so that was "OK".

So the problem now that I've given up drinking is that I'll have to stock up with booze for them and I do not want to have booze at home in case I'm tempted by it. I've stayed with them several times since I gave up and it's been OK. Quite difficult (especially as my dad always tries to persuade me to drink ), but OK. And since I gave up I've also been out with drinkers, obviously, been in pubs etc and been fine being around people drinking. What I haven't done is have alcohol at home, stocked up the day before visitors arrive, with me trying to ignore it.

If they stay, they will want alcohol. There's no way around that. I can't tell them I now have a "dry" house. They know that, anyway, and they would still drink. As I say, they drink a lot, every day and they start early in the day. And they always travel with a bottle of whisky (really), so even if I didn't buy booze for them, they'd sit and drink that.

I thought about offering to pay for them to stay in a nice hotel as a kind of Christmas treat but I think they'd be offended that I didn't want them here (I would love someone to do that for me - I love staying hotels!) - but I think they would take it wrong.

And I can't tell them I don't want them to visit - they are my parents, after all.

So do I just get the booze in and grit my teeth? I don't see an alternative...

[hart]

Early Christmas dilemma!

That's a tough one. How about you tell your parents that you do not wish to be tempted by booze, your health has been so much better. If they want to drink, please keep it in their bedroom as you don't want to be tempted. And though you will buy them mixers, you won't buy them booze.

If they did stay in a hotel they would still probably wish to drink while at your home so I don't see that helping you.

Also tell them you wish to be the designated driver as you don't wish anyone to drink and drive.

I know I would respect a person's desire not to have booze in their house, I liken it to okay you can eat sugary food, but due to being a diabetic I do not wish you to stock the house with it and tempt you.

[Lavande]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Oh Marshy,

That's a tough one!
I haven't had any booze in my house either since I quit. Mr Lav keeps his beer in the garage and I don't want that anyway!
I suppose, given the same set of circumstances, I would wait until the last possible minute, buy the smallest bottle available and just let them know that you don't want a lot of booze around anymore. I think we worry too much about hurting other peoples feelings.......your feelings are just as important, if not more so

Hoping to avoid a similar situation myself this holiday season!
Lav

[scrubbly]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Marshy...Could you ALL stay at a hotel this year as a special holiday treat - not just ask them to stay at a hotel without you? I know that would be wildly expensive, but it would ALL give you rooms of your own to go to and you would have your own "DRY SPACE" away from the drinking to be alone.

Other than that, I would just lean towards telling them that you are not going to provide the drink, but if they want to bring their own to your home I guess that is their business, but I agree it is going to make things awfully hard for you in your own house.

I am sorry this is a tough one for you!!!! :l :l :l

[AAthlete]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Marshy, is your sobriety really worth chancing to make them happy and comfortable? You already sound like you think it is risky on your part and the bottom line is your sobriety is not worth taking a chance on. I would let them know well in advance that you have made a choice not to drink and part of that means keeping alcohol in the house. If they wish to bring their own, maybe that is okay, but no way would I go and stock up for them unless you feel 100% confident.

BTW - if they carry their own booze and the thought of not being able to drink when visiting would lead them to be upset, then they are 100% certified alcoholics.

Don't mean to sound so stark in my choice but you need to put yourself first here, as the last thing I think you want is to end up like them years down the road (and the fact that you here says you don't). Listen and follow your head on this one and you'll make the right choice.

[Marshy]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Hart - my dad would NEVER let me drive his car :H But, no, we'll be on public transport (driving in London is a huge hassle, not really worth the effort) so that won't be an issue. I don't think I could tell them to only drink in their bedroom, coz they'd be in there all the time. I wouldn't see them. Really.

Lav - yes, maybe if I don't stock up the day before. At least I wouldn't have to sit and look at it. If I just bought some in the morning before they arrive. Geez, back to my old buying booze at 9am tricks...

[brightlite]

Early Christmas dilemma!

All you can do is to be honest with them and yes, tell them it really is about your health. Also, I think the offer of staying in a hotel is fabulous. I would jump at that offer if I were them. They will probably agree to the hotel once you tell them that they need to limit the booze in your house. Also, do not buy any for them. I don't know, is that rude to tell them they will have to provide their own???

[Marshy]

Early Christmas dilemma!

scrubbly;739325 wrote: Marshy...Could you ALL stay at a hotel this year as a special holiday treatl

I like that idea! I'd have to make up some excuse about having the builders in at home or something. Hmm. Yes, it would be wildly expensive, but could be a plan...

AA - yes, I'm pretty sure they'd score a perfect 10 on any alcoholic test.
My head is saying "arrg, don't let them stay!" but I just can't do that.

[rubywillow]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Yes, Marshy, I can see how this is stressing you. Some very good advice above. I would only add that I too would ask them to buy their own, and keep it with them. As the parent of grown children, and 7 grandchildren, I was at times first offended, then embarrassed, when my kids forbade me drinking around their children. When I didn't, and they saw it was a severe problem for me, I lost their trust to be able to have the children alone with me. I live for them, and it finally hit me (HARD) I was choosing this poisen over being involved with my babies. I'm not suggesting you take such drastic measures, tho they made me make a better decision for myself. I'm only saying you have the right to make choices that are good for you, and hope you can gently let your parents know that, and that you are not judging them, but making this choice for YOUR life. Hopefully, they will respect that, as you respect their decision. As an adult, you have that right. Praying for you, this is a hard one.

[Marshy]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Brightlite - They know I've given up drinking, but I haven't ever told them I'm an alcoholic. It's a tricky area because they are problem drinkers/alkies themselves but have never acknowledged that so it's a bit of an elephant in the room situation.

Ruby - have I got time to pop out a grandchild for them before they arrive??
You're right about making choices. Difficult when it's family, though, isn't it?

[shirazgirl]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Hey Marshy,
I agree wtih Athlete. It is not worth risking your own sobriety to make others (no matter who), feel comfortable. You should just tell them that they can bring their own and keep it in their own room. I think our families are usually more understanding then we think (my Dad has been an alcoholic for 65 years, can't believe he is still alive and drinking). I just told my Dad flat out when I went to their house, not to offer and I would be happy to visit. This is about YOU. You've worked way to hard to get where you are and if you are already thinking about it (2 months before X-mas), you are obviously very uncomfortable with just the thought of it. Dig your heels in and stand up for yourself.....

[rubywillow]

Early Christmas dilemma!

LOL, Marshy!!!!!!! That's a bit extreme. But it is what finally got me to recognize what I'd known for so long. You have only to put yourself first here, and, again, I hope your parents will recognize this is about YOU, and not them. No one can change another person, only ourselves, so if they could understand that and not be defensive, maybe your choices will affect them too one day. As for now, just figure out a way to get through this challenge.

[LVT25]

Early Christmas dilemma!

"All you can do is to be honest with them and yes, tell them it really is about your health. Also, I think the offer of staying in a hotel is fabulous. I would jump at that offer if I were them. They will probably agree to the hotel once you tell them that they need to limit the booze in your house. Also, do not buy any for them. I don't know, is that rude to tell them they will have to provide their own???"

My thoughts are quite similar to brightlites here. It sucks you have this stress to deal with during what should be a wonderful holiday. It is hard for me to relate to, because my parents were not heavy drinkers....it was me that always had to have the beer around.
If you are anything like me, communicating feelings and being honest about something like this is really hard, but do you think they would be responsive to a heartfelt, honest letter about your feelings and concerns about the situation? Get it all out in the open before they make their arrangements to come stay with you? I would think if they love you, they would be understanding, even though they might choose not to come.
I really don't see why you feel obligated to furnish their booze for them. They could buy there own once they get there.

Bottom line here is :take care of yourself! :h

[Marshy]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Thanks everyone,

I've just spent all evening in the pub after playing sport - me not drinking, others drinking, and me being totally fine about that - and I'm thinking "No big deal, I can do this!". But it's much more complicated with my parents than with friends, of course. And in my home, too.

Anyway, thanks for all the responses. I will mull over what to do for the best...

[Doggygirl]

Early Christmas dilemma!

Hi Marshy. A difficult situation to say the least. Sounds like you have gotten great input from different points of view. Just wanted to offer moral support.

I think there comes a time for all of us when brutal and difficult honesty is the order of the day with someone(s) very close to us. Only you can decide if that day has come.

Just because someone (even parents) has an uncontrollable desire for something (like booze) doesn't give them the right to do it in your living room. When you meet that very special someone that YOU have an uncontrollable desire for, would you expect to do it on your parents sofa whenever you wanted???? Just my own twisted form of food for thought..... There is ALWAYS a way for the shoe to be on the other foot, if only in our imagination.

DG