I can't even read so I can't imagine anyone else would. I have been drinking, not good of course. My husband of course is not speaking to me, but he neve rdoes, so not new drinking or not. I so wish.......I could jsut go to the place I was , I tried to commit sucicde like 15 years ago,,,,,,,I can't believe I lived. I thought there was a reason, but I was dead.....I saw my passed family , it was wonderful, avery bright light, drawing me in, my grand mother kept telling me, you can't come yet......you have something you have to do. Darn it, I think I've done everything and suffered enerything......ley me go now.
Yes, husband still acting like a jerk. I know...you don't have to tell me, just finally got more than I could take, bought a bottle. Can you believe I can't find it !(hid it after a very hard working day) Found his, because he is a big drinker. We did not eat supper / wow I should have said dinner, he is so much better than me! They always said dinner. But of course they had someone who cooked for them, he never picked up anything because the maid did that. I hate people like that, can you imagine! I had a sister in law who lived that way, but she was sweet, he is not. She had to divorce my brother because he expected her to be a wife and she had no idea how. I still, 30 years later miss her. Yet, she could not relate to us, she was just a dear heart.But had no idea of how we live, how normal people live! I saw a few pictures my brother sent of his son's 2nd marriage. I had a hard time pickng her out. She married an old man with money. Like her 7th marriage! I'm sure she is still a dear heart though. Of course I will never know. I will never see her.
Wow, guess I grew up with 7 kids, working my rear end off to get through school. I went to high school with 2 outfits I bought working as a babysitter/ car hop. Very small town. .65 cents an hour. carhopping, 50 cents an hour babysitting, from 6am till 5pm. I could not afford shoes for school ,I don't think young people now understand at all how hard it was back then, or maybe it was just my family, but the 50's-60's were great for our parents, but very hard for us. I never ate breakfast but I used to cut the cereal boxes to line my shoes to go to high school,(snow and ice in Colorado) after my 4 brothers ate, who were allowed too, I was not allowed to eat. My mother bought my 4 brother all the latest clothes, all the best shoes, they also had hand carved guns from Germany for Christmas. I never had anything., My mother told me I was a drag on the family so at 12 I started supporting myself, I was the eldest of the family, my older sister died when she was 4 and me 2. A drunk driver plowed through my parents car at a stop light. My parents hated me for living. I was brown haired and she was blond. They shaved my head and kept it that way till I started school. I'm not to blame, I was only 2, but they hated the brown haired girl who lived.My sister was blond and fair skinned. Many years after my Father died, I think I realized he never knew my Mother did this to me. My father was also in the music business, but always gone. We ended up in a small town in Colorado, my dad gone all the time, but normal. I married into a farming family.........for 28 years. I was always put down, my whole life. But my kids are the only ones on both sides of the family that are successful. I am very proud of them. But after 28 years my husband decided he needed to know other women, he asked me to stay on, just wait through his infedilecty, I could not. Not after all the years of being abused. In front of my children, teenagers....it was so horrible they have no memory. They cannot remember the abuse. I've had three broken noses, no medical help, broken leg, broken arm. But we never talk about that, I was always abused, I got thrown from moving trucks twice.....I am suffering now from pain from those injuries. But the kids just can't face those memeories, my husband put a knife though my arm when my youngest son was 16, we were separated, none of them can remember any of this. Maybe that is good. Of course somewhere in their soul they know, but they just can't go back there. Why? don't jud me so harshly. I lived through years of physical abuse. Many broken bones, never a doctor, having to still worlk. I always worked. I still looked good when my current husband married me, but now .....he has other things. I know how this works. Please realize what I have put up with in my life to raise three very healthy successful kids. I gave everything for that. Now....No one can hurt me more than I've been hurt in the past. That is one thig I know......no one can hurt me more in any way than I've already been through, except maybe death, and to to tel you the truth, that is almost welcomed, so please, yes I have maybe drank too much, in the last few years, but I lived a hell maybe none of you can imagine. But I am so proud of My father beat me my whole life. Al l 4 of my brothers remember it, I lived, the blond should have. When I was 17, my mother had a blond daughter , they disowned me, God had given them back the daughter they lost and God said to them, I was no good because I lived. That has been my life. An abusive husband, kids at 17, .......but they turned out great. I really feel , if I die today. I was the only one who had great kids.........because I loved them. I never drank till after they were adults and their father wanted to know another woman. But I suceeded at something in my life!
I see now, I somehow lost so much I wrote. I lived a life of hell. Yess, I know, with no money I may end up dying, but it is a relief.......I gave my kids al I never had. They are wonderful, productive people. I did all I could. So we=hen you cast a stone, realize sometimes, God put us here for a reason and maybe it was just to give the next generation a chance, maybe that was all we were here for. I've tried so hard all my life and I was never good enough for any man. But i love sex, I am a loving woman, I'll never know why I wasn't loved. i can only think maybe I did not give enough, and I always tried. I tried.
I've made such along post, I'm so very depressed, I can't read through it.
Please someone , somewhere love me.....I know that is not possible......just maybe pray that God may love me.
Yes, husband still acting like a jerk. I know...you don't have to tell me, just finally got more than I could take, bought a bottle. Can you believe I can't find it !(hid it after a very hard working day) Found his, because he is a big drinker. We did not eat supper / wow I should have said dinner, he is so much better than me! They always said dinner. But of course they had someone who cooked for them, he never picked up anything because the maid did that. I hate people like that, can you imagine! I had a sister in law who lived that way, but she was sweet, he is not. She had to divorce my brother because he expected her to be a wife and she had no idea how. I still, 30 years later miss her. Yet, she could not relate to us, she was just a dear heart.But had no idea of how we live, how normal people live! I saw a few pictures my brother sent of his son's 2nd marriage. I had a hard time pickng her out. She married an old man with money. Like her 7th marriage! I'm sure she is still a dear heart though. Of course I will never know. I will never see her.
Wow, guess I grew up with 7 kids, working my rear end off to get through school. I went to high school with 2 outfits I bought working as a babysitter/ car hop. Very small town. .65 cents an hour. carhopping, 50 cents an hour babysitting, from 6am till 5pm. I could not afford shoes for school ,I don't think young people now understand at all how hard it was back then, or maybe it was just my family, but the 50's-60's were great for our parents, but very hard for us. I never ate breakfast but I used to cut the cereal boxes to line my shoes to go to high school,(snow and ice in Colorado) after my 4 brothers ate, who were allowed too, I was not allowed to eat. My mother bought my 4 brother all the latest clothes, all the best shoes, they also had hand carved guns from Germany for Christmas. I never had anything., My mother told me I was a drag on the family so at 12 I started supporting myself, I was the eldest of the family, my older sister died when she was 4 and me 2. A drunk driver plowed through my parents car at a stop light. My parents hated me for living. I was brown haired and she was blond. They shaved my head and kept it that way till I started school. I'm not to blame, I was only 2, but they hated the brown haired girl who lived.My sister was blond and fair skinned. Many years after my Father died, I think I realized he never knew my Mother did this to me. My father was also in the music business, but always gone. We ended up in a small town in Colorado, my dad gone all the time, but normal. I married into a farming family.........for 28 years. I was always put down, my whole life. But my kids are the only ones on both sides of the family that are successful. I am very proud of them. But after 28 years my husband decided he needed to know other women, he asked me to stay on, just wait through his infedilecty, I could not. Not after all the years of being abused. In front of my children, teenagers....it was so horrible they have no memory. They cannot remember the abuse. I've had three broken noses, no medical help, broken leg, broken arm. But we never talk about that, I was always abused, I got thrown from moving trucks twice.....I am suffering now from pain from those injuries. But the kids just can't face those memeories, my husband put a knife though my arm when my youngest son was 16, we were separated, none of them can remember any of this. Maybe that is good. Of course somewhere in their soul they know, but they just can't go back there. Why? don't jud me so harshly. I lived through years of physical abuse. Many broken bones, never a doctor, having to still worlk. I always worked. I still looked good when my current husband married me, but now .....he has other things. I know how this works. Please realize what I have put up with in my life to raise three very healthy successful kids. I gave everything for that. Now....No one can hurt me more than I've been hurt in the past. That is one thig I know......no one can hurt me more in any way than I've already been through, except maybe death, and to to tel you the truth, that is almost welcomed, so please, yes I have maybe drank too much, in the last few years, but I lived a hell maybe none of you can imagine. But I am so proud of My father beat me my whole life. Al l 4 of my brothers remember it, I lived, the blond should have. When I was 17, my mother had a blond daughter , they disowned me, God had given them back the daughter they lost and God said to them, I was no good because I lived. That has been my life. An abusive husband, kids at 17, .......but they turned out great. I really feel , if I die today. I was the only one who had great kids.........because I loved them. I never drank till after they were adults and their father wanted to know another woman. But I suceeded at something in my life!
I see now, I somehow lost so much I wrote. I lived a life of hell. Yess, I know, with no money I may end up dying, but it is a relief.......I gave my kids al I never had. They are wonderful, productive people. I did all I could. So we=hen you cast a stone, realize sometimes, God put us here for a reason and maybe it was just to give the next generation a chance, maybe that was all we were here for. I've tried so hard all my life and I was never good enough for any man. But i love sex, I am a loving woman, I'll never know why I wasn't loved. i can only think maybe I did not give enough, and I always tried. I tried.
I've made such along post, I'm so very depressed, I can't read through it.
Please someone , somewhere love me.....I know that is not possible......just maybe pray that God may love me.
Comment