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Still here and still a drunk...

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    #1

    Still here and still a drunk...

    I was getting a grip, started reading, enjoying life...last Wednesday, my 12-year old son said, tonight is so peaceful! "The house is clean, the pictures are going on the frame, this feels nice"....

    He has been with his Dad since Thursday, was supposed to come home tonight. I started in again on Thursday....bad. Stupid stuff like I used to do, and have not done in a long time. A bar...got kicked out (in my defense, they lady barmaids didnt like me, I wasnt doing anything wrong). Friday...damn, and all nighter, met a guy and we drank all night, I certainly in my right mind enough to not even kiss him so thank God for that, and I didn't black out.

    Yesterday evening, went to the bookstore...spent $22.00 on books I could not afford, but told myself it was worth it to read and not drink on a Saturday night. That convenience store....damn those things. Ended up drinking until 3am.

    Mid morning I woke up, and I had this image of my putting a gun to my head, it scared me. I imagined what might happen after that...

    My children
    My parents
    My lover
    My friends
    My life

    I got up and went back to bed to hear knocking on my front door, my beautiful mother....bringing Halloween gifts, looking so excited about life and dressed up and glowing at the age of 76.

    I called her after she left and told her not worry, I will be fine....and then hopped in my car to get to the nearest convenience store to buy a 24-pack, so this day will just be over.

    My son was supposed to come home this evening, I asked his Dad to keep him another night....

    So, this is life...at the age of 42? The constant struggle, giving in...hurting. I really am not sure if I see a tomorrow, even though I have everything left to live for.

    I am not suicidal...I just do not see a reason to wake up and do this thing called life every day. Seems likes it is a matter of just getting through it, and this is not what LIFE
    is supposed to be.

    Thank you for listening...I just needed to express this to someone. Maybe tomorrow will be better... ?
    This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!
    Tags: None
    #2
    Still here and still a drunk...

    Looking, I don't know what it is that has to click in our heads to make us turn away from those temptations. It's the hardest thing some of us will ever face. But maybe, just maybe, it will help you to take a lucid moment and write down what is good in your life, then what alcohol has done to help you. Study them for a while, then write down what alcohol has done to destroy you. I wrote a goodbye letter to AL, read it aloud to someone (even your cat!), then burned it. The fire gives it a finality. We're here, and we've been there. You have so much to gain, and even more to lose. We're on your side.
    sigpic
    Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
    awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

    Comment

      #3
      Still here and still a drunk...

      I am not suicidal...I just do not see a reason to wake up and do this thing called life every day. Seems likes it is a matter of just getting through it, and this is not what LIFE
      is supposed to be.
      Hello lookingforhope, tomorrow can be better, we can put the past behind us and choose a brighter future. It is not easy to make that choice and when you do it is tough going at times but it is so worth it. As somebody who drank daily for 20+years I can tell you that when I finally got sober it was almost like a rebirth. I dont want to sound over dramatic but it felt so good to wake up with a clear mind and look forward to what the day might bring. No more feeling like shit and trying to piece together the pieces of the night before when I blacked out. No more lying and sneaking about to the poeple close to me and those I love the most.
      You just have to decide to make that first step and then the next one, hour by hour, day by day but if you really want this it is there for the taking. There is a wonderful life out there waiting for you and your family.
      Keep safe
      KTAB
      Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

      Comment

        #4
        Still here and still a drunk...

        lookingforhope,

        My heart goes out to you and the way you are feeling.

        You are loved, by your son and your mother, and doubtless many more. It sounds as though you can be free, and enjoy your life, as you said at the beginning of your post.

        I know I've had a lot of times when life just seems to be something to get through, and in a way it is, moment by moment, but enjoying the present moment the now and not being concerned about the past and future.

        I wonder what set you back on such an unhappy path, your son going away for a few days?

        Tomorrow is another day, and it will be better, sending you love. :h
        I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you.

        Comment

          #5
          Still here and still a drunk...

          Thank you Ruby and KTAB...Ruby I will try to do that "tomorrow".....

          The funny thing, is I have experienced those moments, of feeling so wonderful as a sober person, it is like being a completely different person.

          And then one slips, and all of a sudden things seem worse, then the last time you decided to quit drinking.

          Am hoping again, this is the final frontier with AL. I've been doing so much better, then when it slipped...it slipped bad. What is sad, is my son wants to come home, because his Dad is still sleeping, I'm sure he is hung over. This just is not right....

          I hate this stuff, but yet seem to give into it, not matter what the consequenses.
          This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

          Comment

            #6
            Still here and still a drunk...

            Thank you Gold...that was very thoughtful and it meant a lot to my heart. I know what is setting me back. I just can't end it.
            This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

            Comment

              #7
              Still here and still a drunk...

              Hey, I can still spell....cool.
              This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

              Comment

                #8
                Still here and still a drunk...

                Looking, when you slip, try to make it a little one then turn it into a dance, one toward the woman you really are and not the one AL turns you in to.
                sigpic
                Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

                Comment

                  #9
                  Still here and still a drunk...

                  Wish I could...
                  Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Still here and still a drunk...

                    spell that is. Oh darn it.
                    Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Still here and still a drunk...

                      K, you're doing great, and a wonderful inspiration.
                      sigpic
                      Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                      awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Still here and still a drunk...

                        Ruby I wish I could turn into a dance and not the The Masque of the Red Death, I hate this....

                        lol KTAB...
                        This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Still here and still a drunk...

                          KTAB, I needed a smile....thank you dear.
                          This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Still here and still a drunk...

                            OK, Looking. No More Negativity!!!! That's first!! LOVE YOURSELF. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!
                            sigpic
                            Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                            awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Still here and still a drunk...

                              All of your words, I am etching into my heart...this is truly a wonderful group of people.
                              This is no longer a drinking problem...it's a matter of Life or Death!!!

                              Comment

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