AF December Challenge

[Guitarista]

AF December Challenge

Hi Roberta and Elsa,
Just popping in to wish you both well, and to remind you that you definately are not alone. You are in the arena fighting, and to me, that is success in the making. However, once our liver goes, that is it. it's a hard road, but at least our options are simple, and dead clear. Totally af is the way, as you know, and the sooner the better. I urge, and encourage you both, to kick more arse!

All the best, take care, and pump it up girl's. You can do it!

[roberta930]

AF December Challenge

Hi - and thanks for your post Guitarista! -always good to get a meaningful input! -every little helps!suppose it's pretty hot there at present?
Meanwhile still coping with AF - the snow started coming down today again - but thank God didn't stick too much- still feeding the foxes, birds and anything else which comes into our/my space & feeling fairly happy- optimistic-we can beat this thing! how are you Elsa? strong and coping I hope?
Love R X

[Elsa]

AF December Challenge

Hi
I could'nt get onto the site for a while, some problem with a browser, but it seems to have fixed itself.
Congratulations on your 5 days, you are doing great, keep it up. The ww does'nt sound as scary as I've been imagining it, I hope it works for you. We didn't get the snow here as forcast, just lots and lots of rain, my back garden looks like a swamp. When the weather is better I must go and do something with it, it will be good exercise and keep me off the AL.
I'm glad you are feeling better, staying off the AL makes such a difference, I know I'm a fool to keep going back to it. Next attempt this weekend, I will join you in being AF, and hopefully stay as strong as positive as you sound, congratulations again :goodjob:
Take care:l

[roberta930]

AF December Challenge

Hi- thanks for the congrats etc - but unfortunately fell off the wagon last night and had 3 glasses of wine! feel really bad about it but trying to tell myself that "Rome wasn't built in a day" and maybe I need to have the occasional set-back to gear myself back in!
Will be AF tonight and hopefully for at least the rest of this weekend- one day at a time!
How are you? hope you are coping?
keep strong - R X

[Guitarista]

AF December Challenge

Hang in there Roberta!

[Elsa]

AF December Challenge

Hi
Roberta - the congratulations still count for the days you did AF, I read somewhere else on the site 'if it was easy to give up this site would be vey short', just to repeat Guitarista - hang in there, next time you will do longer, and the next, then one day it will all happen, as long as we continue to try. You should be proud of yourself for still being in there fighting.
Guitarista-thanks for the encouragement, I know I need to work harder at this, make it the most important thing in my life.

I'm not doing very well tonight, but I've been reading the toolbox thread, and making notes, and I am going to try again as of tomorrow. I made a list of why I want to be AL free:
1) Depression - I suffer from depression, and alcohol makes it worse or causes it in the first place. I want to be happy.
2) Energy/Time - I want my energy back and the time to do things again, instead of sitting at home drinking glass after glass starring at the tv.
3) Health - Drinking as I am is a slow suicide, I'm destoying my body and mind, and I want to stop.
4) Confidence - I want my self confidence back, at the moment going out the front door is an effort, I want my life back.
5) Self respect - At the moment I hate myself, not just how I look, how I feel and how I act. But what I've become, alone and invisable, worthless.

I will try again, and one day, hopefully this time, it will click in my brain, that AL is a poison, not a friend or a reward.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on, take care:l

[roberta930]

AF December Challenge

Hi all -Thanks Guitarista for support and to you Elsa- read your list and it sounds almost identical to mine except I can add paranoia!- which also seems to affect me after i've had a few drinks and totally disappears when I'm sober! another reason to be AF.
You're quite right AL is a poison!
Keep strong! thinking of you in this fight!
Love R X

[Miss Behaving]

AF December Challenge

Hi to you two!

just thought I would jump in as well! What a nice wee thread this is!

Elsa: your list is virtually identical to the one that I recited to myself on the way to work this morning. I've just spent most of the last weekend in bed, feeling miserable and sorry for myself, and it is mainly because after 12 days AF from the beginning of this year, I then caved in. Since then I keep getting to day 3 and falling over. Falling over?? Well, no, I do take responsibility for my choice to drink, but it is such a vicious and down hill cycle ....... waking up feeling bad about my inability to follow through, which then eats into my self - esteem, and affects all sorts of areas of my life, and most importantly my confidence that I can ever get my head to the place that it needs to be. Hopeful. Believing in myself. Motivated to take action. Ready to put in the hard work. Patient with myself. And I feel so pathetic that I've been posting on this site for almost two years and still cant get my act together when so many other people have successfully managed to stop and stay stopped. And it got to the point this weekend where after having had a couple of wines on Friday night, that I just stayed in bed on Saturday and most of Sunday, even though I knew that I would feel much better if went and had coffee with someone, went out for a walk, went to the gym, watched a movie ........ anything at all really. Wasn't helped by the fact that the weather was crap and a lot of friends were out of town as it was a long weekend.

I know that when I'm like this that I have to really force myself out of it. I know that it doesn't happen on its own, and it takes time and hard work. I came on here last night and a couple of my good mates persuaded me to go out and buy some nice food for dinner, which I was grateful for. Today, I pushed myself out of bed and into work ..... although I'm spending lots of time on MWO when I really should be working!!). And I'm going to push myself to the gym later even though I really dont feel like it.

I've been reading a lot on depression and addiction over the last couple of weeks and I have been interested to observe that the latest thinking on depression and how to treat it is very similar to the MWO programme. Not just because alcohol is one of the bigest causes of depression. The things that stand out for me are about good diet (not too bad on this, but a little too inclined to miss out my vegies and overdo the carbs), exercise, nutritional supplements especially amino acids (particularly L-Glut and 5HTP ..... there is another one with a name that I cant remember), doing stuff that you already know that you enjoy and talking to other people about how you are feeling. I've been reading a book called "Unstuck" that I'm finding very helpful .... in fact I had planned to do a whole lot of the exercises in it this last weekend before I gave in to my solo pity party. Anyway, the link the the Mind-Body research institute that the author (a psychiatrist) is associated with is here if you are interested. There is a lot of stuff on spirituality/meditation/yoga etc as being part of the armour of treatment too, which I suppose I am going to have to grapple with at some stage.

CMBM: Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven Stage Journey Out of Depression

anyway, hope you dont mind me raving on and hi-jacking your thread. But it is so nice to feel like I'm not alone.

[Elsa]

AF December Challenge

Hi
Yep, I can add paranoia to the list, I was afraid to come back to the site after I posted, I just don't say these things to anyone else, they would run a mile. Instead I come back to wonderful kind support, I hope you both know what lovely people you are.
Roberta - How is the AF going, and the ww, I hope everything is going well.
Miss Behaving - Good to see you again, you are not alone, its a bit scary how similar all our stories are, yet we all have completely different lives.
Thank you for being here.
Take care:l

[roberta930]

AF December Challenge

Hi - Couldn't get online yesterday as was on day trip to visit daughter. It's funny but I had a feeling that you may have momentarily regretted posting "your list" Elsa -as I feel exactly the same way about opening up and putting things/thoughts on display. That's the good thing about this website- it's so good to be able to be honest and know that we're all in the same boat and no one is going to be judgemental- we've all been there (still there!). It was a big help for me to read your list as you put everyone down so well- even touching things I hadn't been able to get my head round- regarding my own problems- I've certainly got to stop myself looking at AL as a reward!
Good to see you back Miss B - the depression side of things certainly needs looking at - the problem with this afflication is that your self-esteem goes so low that you begin to think that you aren't worthy of normal company!
I'm still fat (early days) but working at it! keep up the fight.
Love R X

[Guitarista]

AF December Challenge

Hello again, Elsa, Roberta, and Miss B!

Elsa, great post re your list. Everything you listed was me too, when i was stuck on the boozing merry go round. It's a hard road, that's for sure, but it can be done, you guy's can and will do it, and many other's in our same position's are/have ditched the grog. The great thing i see with you guy's, and this includes you Miss B, is what you say when you post. How you are talking/thinking. For example, Elsa, your list, in my humble opinion, is a brave step, but also a signal to yourself, that you are starting to mean business. Roberta, the fact you keep coming back here, shows that you are getting serious about taking your life back too, as is Miss B. Keep working at it, and use whatever you find work's for you. Toolbox thread, AA meeting's, chat here, exercise/walking, med's, reading about other's who have succeeded in getting off, and staying off the grog, addiction book's, posting here....be ruthless, and use/do whatever it takes to take your health, dignity, and life back.
I'll shut up now! Don't get me started......

Take care.

[roberta930]

AF December Challenge

Hi - just re-read my last posting and realised that I put "everyone" instead of "everything" fingers going faster than the brain!!!!- feeling good tonight- have had a good couple of days AF and feeling the benefits!
Love to all R X

[Elsa]

AF December Challenge

Hi
Just checking in, still planning Saturday as my new 'start' day, I know it seems like I'm putting it off, but I'm finding myself more motivated and looking forward to having a goal.
Hope you are doing OK, should we finally start a new thread for February do you think? I think the other monthly AF thread has moved to monthly abstenous, not one I feel I have the right to dip into yet, so we would'nt get in their way.
Take care:l

[Miss Behaving]

AF December Challenge

Hi Elsa and Roberta (and mr G!),

I''m with you for a sober saturday! Had a few wines last night and woke up feeling crap again this morning. However, I am determined to not have a weekend last the last one.

I am reading a book called "care of the soul" which I am finding very helpful .... will tell you more about it later, but right now I need to go and do some things.

[Miss Behaving]

AF December Challenge

Was a beautiful day here today ....... went for a long walk and got sunburned!

But I wanted to out down some of the things I had been reading in this "Care of the Soul" book, and particularly the chapter in it that is titled "The gift of depression". This was a book that was lent to me this week by the addiction counsellor that I have just started seeing. Basically the guy talks about the soul as being imagination .... the things we want for ourselves and our lives, and brings together body and mind. I found that helpful in thinking through some stuff about drinking even know I know how bad it is for me and how it makes me feel miserable. Basicallly, I dont feel hope-ful, and according to the book (!!) dealing with depression means developing a plan to bring the soul back to life. And that requires accepting the full range of human feelings ..... and dealing appropriately with negative ones, and with the disappointments that are inevitable as we go through life. If we feel bad at times, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with us. I particularly liked this: "If we pathologise depression, treating it as a syndrome in need of a cure, then emotions have no place to go except into abnormal behaviour and acting out."

It isn't a religious book ..... but talks about the need to identify the things that we already know make us happy and bring us joy, and to make sure that we actively include lots of opportunities for them in our lives. I find that I often dont .... mainly because I'm very good at meeting my obligations to others, but not so great at looking after myself. So when I do that (and I've had a lot of it over the last 6 months with work pressures, and elderly mother and a brother with terminal cancer) I end up not having any of the time that I need to replenish my self .... so end up drinking to numb myself.

So I'm making a list of things that make me happy and trying to make sure that I do at least one thing every day. It hasn't been that easy to be honest!! I'm relying on the fact that they used to make me happy, and if they dont at the moment, it is because I need to practice this a bit more!!

Hope this doesn't all sound too self-indulgent. I've never been particularly good at journal keeping, but something else I read (doing a lot of reading at the moment!!!) said that it had been shown to be really effective as a complement to other therapies. Tnight I sort of felt like I couldn't be bothered, but this way I can cut and paste my thoughts into my journal!! At the moment, I'm just trying everything I can think of to keep me on track .... and there was an article in one of the magazines here this week about recent addiction research which said that one of the main findings was that greatest successes were achieved when programmes of recovery were personalised (no 'one size fits all' approach) and based on a range of complementary interventions.

Hope you both had a good day. I dont mind if we have a new thread or not for February ...... in some ways this ones keeps feeling very safe for my admittances and thoughts!