I was 8 years old. He was 17 and his name was Kevin. I met him at the local park a few times ? always with my younger brother and sister ? before he tried to rape me. I thought, and told, the girl next door, that I had a boyfriend and he had told me he loved me. She was very jealous. She was 9.
At this age there was a lot of disharmony at home. At the same age I was subjected to my father?s mistress and expected to be nice. I don?t remember if my father was around at the time this happened.
I don?t have any memories of this time period between 8 and 11 years.
I talked my way out of the rape. Even at 8yo I knew something was very wrong. He had forgotten about my brother and sister. We were playing Hide and Seek. He heard their voices trying to find us and swore. His words were ?F?k, I?d forgotten about them!? All I remember after that was I was out of danger and I never told anyone about it.
But even after that, believing he loved me, I thought he would be at the park next weekend. He wasn?t, and I was disappointed at being rejected. Remember, I was 8 years old.
I have felt so guilty over this for much of my life. I know it?s unreasonable. But for the last I don?t know how many years, since I was first married I think and told my first husband about it, I haven?t been able to get it out of my mind.
For the last few weeks, it has been on my mind daily, constantly. It?s driving me crazy. That occurred 45 years ago. He would now be 62 years old. Why cannot I get this out of my mind?
He was a rapist and I?ve done nothing about it because I was too ashamed. But he didn?t actually rape me.
This has come to the fore writing this, because my husband has not left me because I have a drinking problem. He thinks I have an underlying disorder that I must come to terms with and fix before he returns. He says he is leaving me for my own good to do something about my personality disorder.
I know how to fix a drinking problem. How do I fix this?
At this age there was a lot of disharmony at home. At the same age I was subjected to my father?s mistress and expected to be nice. I don?t remember if my father was around at the time this happened.
I don?t have any memories of this time period between 8 and 11 years.
I talked my way out of the rape. Even at 8yo I knew something was very wrong. He had forgotten about my brother and sister. We were playing Hide and Seek. He heard their voices trying to find us and swore. His words were ?F?k, I?d forgotten about them!? All I remember after that was I was out of danger and I never told anyone about it.
But even after that, believing he loved me, I thought he would be at the park next weekend. He wasn?t, and I was disappointed at being rejected. Remember, I was 8 years old.
I have felt so guilty over this for much of my life. I know it?s unreasonable. But for the last I don?t know how many years, since I was first married I think and told my first husband about it, I haven?t been able to get it out of my mind.
For the last few weeks, it has been on my mind daily, constantly. It?s driving me crazy. That occurred 45 years ago. He would now be 62 years old. Why cannot I get this out of my mind?
He was a rapist and I?ve done nothing about it because I was too ashamed. But he didn?t actually rape me.
This has come to the fore writing this, because my husband has not left me because I have a drinking problem. He thinks I have an underlying disorder that I must come to terms with and fix before he returns. He says he is leaving me for my own good to do something about my personality disorder.
I know how to fix a drinking problem. How do I fix this?
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