Hello,
I'm Temma Ehrenfeld, the Newsweek reporter who wrote about My Way Out early on. Right now, I'm writing a story about perfectionism for a magazine called Psychologies, published by the European chain Hatchette fillipacci. It comes out in London (and there are versions in Paris and other cities). For my article, I'm looking for revealing anecdotes from women and men between ages 20 and 50 who consider themselves perfectionists. You need not use your real name for this story.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. When you finish a task, do you usually feel you haven't done it as well as you could? Do you check your work over and over for mistakes? Is it hard to consider your work "done"?
2. Do you procrastinate?
3. When you have a big success, do you feel happy? Does your happiness fade quickly? Do you think your success was a fluke and can't be repeated? Do you immediately start thinking about the next challenge?
4. Do you often doubt your own judgment? Do you need to poll friends and family to ask if they approve of your decisions?
5. Do you expect more of yourself than you would someone else? For instance, if you're 10 minutes late to a meeting would you be annoyed at yourself, even though if a colleague was 10 minutes late you'd think of him as being "basically on time."?
6. If you make a mistake, do you try to hide it--even from your closest friends, or spouse?
7. Are you afraid your loved ones would think less of you if they knew everything about you?
8. Do you feel that your family or coworkers or friends demand perfection from you--more than they ask of themselves or other people?
9. Are you often disappointed in other people? Are you often annoyed that other people are careless, disorganized, or unprepared?
10. If you attend an event--a play, movie or concert--with a group of people, are you often the only person who didn't like it? Do you have more criticisms or higher standards?
11. Let's say you enjoyed a movie, but there was one detail that didn't make sense in the plot, or you didn't like the ending or one of the characters. Would that flaw keep bugging you? Would you not recommend the movie to others because of it?
12. Do you have a hard time holding back criticism of your spouse or children? Do loved ones or coworkers complain that you're too picky or critical or demanding?
13. Have you ever lost too much weight because you were trying so hard to thin and perfect-looking? Lost sleep because you worried you weren't good enough? Suffered from depression because of a perceived failure?
Okay, you answered a lot of these questions Yes...so you're a perfectionist.
1. Why do you think you became a perfectionist? Were you always like this from childhood? Did it develop or become stronger in later life--perhaps in times of stress?
2. Have you tried to be less perfectionistic? Read self-help books? Listened to feedback from others and tried to change your ways? Was it hard? What did you feel? What happened?
3. How has your perfectionism affected your work? Has it helped you get ahead? Does it make you afraid to try new things?
4. How has your perfectionism affected your marriage? Your kids?
5. How do you think your perfectionism relates to your drinking problems? Do you drink to give yourself relief from constant self-criticism?
Please tell me your stories--those "ahah" moments when your perfectionism was noticeable and you saw that it was affecting your life. (And by the way, you don't have to answer all of these questions, or answer them completely with no typos. )
It's okay with me if you'd also like to post your responses on the message board but I would like to be written directly as well at tehren@newsweek.com with some details about yourself, your job and where you live, and if you are married or have children. Again, if you would prefer to be anonymous, you can give me the background information without your name. We can talk on the phone or continue by email.
I'm learning a lot about myself working on this story--I had no idea how perfectionistic I am. One of the psychologists I've spoken to says that perfectionism is the "psychological common cold." It's everywhere.
Best, Temma
I'm Temma Ehrenfeld, the Newsweek reporter who wrote about My Way Out early on. Right now, I'm writing a story about perfectionism for a magazine called Psychologies, published by the European chain Hatchette fillipacci. It comes out in London (and there are versions in Paris and other cities). For my article, I'm looking for revealing anecdotes from women and men between ages 20 and 50 who consider themselves perfectionists. You need not use your real name for this story.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. When you finish a task, do you usually feel you haven't done it as well as you could? Do you check your work over and over for mistakes? Is it hard to consider your work "done"?
2. Do you procrastinate?
3. When you have a big success, do you feel happy? Does your happiness fade quickly? Do you think your success was a fluke and can't be repeated? Do you immediately start thinking about the next challenge?
4. Do you often doubt your own judgment? Do you need to poll friends and family to ask if they approve of your decisions?
5. Do you expect more of yourself than you would someone else? For instance, if you're 10 minutes late to a meeting would you be annoyed at yourself, even though if a colleague was 10 minutes late you'd think of him as being "basically on time."?
6. If you make a mistake, do you try to hide it--even from your closest friends, or spouse?
7. Are you afraid your loved ones would think less of you if they knew everything about you?
8. Do you feel that your family or coworkers or friends demand perfection from you--more than they ask of themselves or other people?
9. Are you often disappointed in other people? Are you often annoyed that other people are careless, disorganized, or unprepared?
10. If you attend an event--a play, movie or concert--with a group of people, are you often the only person who didn't like it? Do you have more criticisms or higher standards?
11. Let's say you enjoyed a movie, but there was one detail that didn't make sense in the plot, or you didn't like the ending or one of the characters. Would that flaw keep bugging you? Would you not recommend the movie to others because of it?
12. Do you have a hard time holding back criticism of your spouse or children? Do loved ones or coworkers complain that you're too picky or critical or demanding?
13. Have you ever lost too much weight because you were trying so hard to thin and perfect-looking? Lost sleep because you worried you weren't good enough? Suffered from depression because of a perceived failure?
Okay, you answered a lot of these questions Yes...so you're a perfectionist.
1. Why do you think you became a perfectionist? Were you always like this from childhood? Did it develop or become stronger in later life--perhaps in times of stress?
2. Have you tried to be less perfectionistic? Read self-help books? Listened to feedback from others and tried to change your ways? Was it hard? What did you feel? What happened?
3. How has your perfectionism affected your work? Has it helped you get ahead? Does it make you afraid to try new things?
4. How has your perfectionism affected your marriage? Your kids?
5. How do you think your perfectionism relates to your drinking problems? Do you drink to give yourself relief from constant self-criticism?
Please tell me your stories--those "ahah" moments when your perfectionism was noticeable and you saw that it was affecting your life. (And by the way, you don't have to answer all of these questions, or answer them completely with no typos. )
It's okay with me if you'd also like to post your responses on the message board but I would like to be written directly as well at tehren@newsweek.com with some details about yourself, your job and where you live, and if you are married or have children. Again, if you would prefer to be anonymous, you can give me the background information without your name. We can talk on the phone or continue by email.
I'm learning a lot about myself working on this story--I had no idea how perfectionistic I am. One of the psychologists I've spoken to says that perfectionism is the "psychological common cold." It's everywhere.
Best, Temma
) I am a lawyer, live in Toronto area, Ontario canada. I am married (common law) and dont have children.
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