January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

[ladybirdheart]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Happy first day of the New Year older and soon to be newer friends. Thanks for the launch, Red, in our new spot. I loved your image, Cyn, of the people bringing in the new dawn with a walk on the nature trails and also of your gala. It is indeed possible to have fun at such things even with sore feet; I remember a couple of years ago hiding (in glittery barrettes and a ball gown) under a table at a silent auction, waiting for it to end so I could sneak out as the lights dimmed to place the last bid on a copper and beaded framed photo of Frieda Kahlo. Thanks for being around last night, Lav, it meant a lot to me, you dear gem. Hello Cuckoo, HappyD, Firefox, and Openheart; you are going to be fine here, remember no exceptions, just don?t disappear. A funny thing happened during my New Year?s Eve. After dinner and before dessert, I was telling my guests how I liked to slowly put the holiday decorations to bed on New Year?s Day while obliquely watching the Twilight Zone marathon which was already under way. They did not know about this and one fellow said he really hoped he could catch the one with Agnes Moorhead which he had not seen in thirty years or so. I turned on the schedule and found it was starting in one minute, odd time for a start too, 8:20. How?s that for the twilight zone! Dessert rapidly marched to the TV room:H. You are right, Dill, the AF times have lots more laughing, and it is not mingled with fear or embarrassment, just joy. Hi Ruby, thanks for the support. Hi Sped, enjoy your boys and healthy living. I adore your new avatar, Lil, sunlight kitten halo. Love, Ladybird.

[roberta930]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Hi - just one of many who want to try and stay mainly AF for 2010- been on earlier thread (re -Dec- no bender) with great like-minded people/friends and this looks like another good one we can connect with- every day is a struggle to keep away from the demon alcohol- wish everyone good luck
-R

[sdlovespackers]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Yesterday afternoon was so much fun! I agree, I think we should make a time to do that again!! I'm very excited to get this year kicked off with all of you! I just know it is going to be a FANTASTIC year for everyone!!! We've all come so far in the past year!! I'll have to check back in later...I've got to get moving right now!! :welcome: to all the new faces...wonderful to have you aboard!!! Have a great New Year's Day!!!
SD:l

[lodestar]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

My battle of new year's eve 2009

Hi friends and happy new year! Been some time since I've checked in ~ spent the holiday out of town having some much needed family time.

Lav, thanks for being here last night. I was feeling VERY unsteady after returning home to spend the new year alone (which I stupidly planned) and your quick response was a beacon of hope for me. Please excuse the long story to follow, but I just want to share what happened last night with people who might be able to appreciate it. It is not the kind of story I would tell most people in my life, as this part of my life (my struggle with AL) embarrasses me. Frankly, I am even embarrassed to write it here (you'll see why), but I need to do it so here goes...

When I booked my trip a couple months ago, I thought it would be a good idea to be alone in my sobriety on new year's eve. Some of you might remember that I specifically planned to fly home on nye. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but as the plane descended last night, I realized I might have made a mistake and I might have been better off spending the evening with my sister laughing and being silly (she almost never drinks and is a ton of fun). As the plane touched down, I felt the strongest urge to get in the cab and go by a liquor store on my way home. I knew that I wasn't going to do this but the craving just wouldn't let up. I spent the whole cab-ride home on my iphone reading MWO posts. This was the strongest one I have had since I stopped drinking on October 30th. I should also say that when I stopped drinking, I did not intend to give up alcohol for good, but it just seems I've continued to keep going day after day and haven't found a reason to drink (or more like, fought through whatever reasons came up). I still don't think more than a few days or a week ahead. I find I can really only plan for the near events coming up.

Soooo, I made it home without stopping and got my bags inside. Here is what followed: Bags in the kitchen, lights on, went to computer. Read some MWO posts on our December thread. Saw the chat that happened earlier (thanks Dill) and "heard" the laughter and voices all connected in the chat ~ A real-time conversation amongst friends supporting one another! Posted a note myself, still struggling hard with my own lonely battle. Thought hard about getting a drink ~ I made it farther than I ever thought I would...allllllll the way through the holidays. Put my coat on ~ yes, I was cold, but I had every intention of grabbing my keys and going out for a bottle. Picked up the keys, put them down, took of my coat, jumped in my bed, stared at the ceiling, asked myself all of the following (mind you, this all happened in the course of about 5 minutes):

Did I want just one? No. What's the point of one?

Went through H.A.L.T. in my mind...Was I hungry? Yes. Angry? No. Lonely? Yes. Tired? Maybe a little.

Did I get up to eat? Not much food in the house after being gone for 2 weeks, so I would have to go to the store (where I could pick up a drink too...ugh)

Lonely? Well, I was invited to a party but I had just spent 5 hours on a plane. I didn't feel like it. A bottle at home wouldn't require me to dress up and I wouldn't feel lonely...until I got to that melancholy place and then hopefully, I would pass out. Who could feel lonely when not conscious?

Okay, this wasn't working so I played the drink all the way out to the end...but my addictive brain was soooooo tricky last night. Instead of the usual way this works for me (realizing I would drink, get drunk, wake up feeling anxious and shameful and deciding I don't want that ~ there, DONE!), this is what happened...

~I said if I drink tonight I WILL drink too much and not feel good, and my addictive brain said, well you haven't had a drink in so long it might be fun.

~I said, I WILL be numbing up my feelings, and my addictive brain said, you might need to do that from time to time...everyone does, plus, it might be easier to unpack and then I got a picture of myself in my bedroom unpacking and sipping a drink while watching a movie. My addictive brain flashed an image of me having fun, productively unpacking and organizing my closet, not caring about anything else.

~I said, that looks fun but I would probably get more melancholy after a couple of drinks (upon reflection, I realize I was starting to lose the battle right there...notice how I switched to romanticizing the fun and thinking only "probably" would I become more sad). My addictive brain said, just like you have planned ahead not to drink, you can plan ahead not to get melancholy! Just tell yourself, it is okay to have some drinks and have a little fun and don't beat yourself up about it. Your biggest problem is that you beat yourself up over it. Is it, I thought? Yes, you're too hard on yourself, you always have been, just relax and live your life. Here, I started to get confused. Yes, I am often too hard on myself. Everyone says so, even my therapist. Does this apply to drinking too? No, I weakly replied.

~I continued playing the game. What would happen after the drinks? Even if I didn't get melancholy, I would go to sleep buzzed (pass out), and wake up at 3 or 4am disoriented and hungover and wishing I was still with my family (who would already be stirring awake as they are on a different time zone). My addictive brain: You don't have to feel hungover, just eat a lot before bed ~ order food. AND, my brain said, you will wish you were still with them anyway, so what's the difference? You feel bad now, you'll probably feel bad when you wake up. Who cares what time it is when you wake up?

~But panic will set in, I said, what if my heart is pounding like it used to? My brain said, you'll get through it. You've done it before many times, but you don't even know that will happen. Your reaction to alcohol might have changed since you haven't been drinking.

~Okay, okay, that may be true I thought...but then what if I can't stop tomorrow, I asked. And here is where the addictive brain got really brutal..."Of course you can, people do it all the time on MWO and you haven't tried to have a few drinks and get back on the wagon yet." No, brain, I think I have tried to control my drinking in the past before I came here. NOOOO, my brain said, you've never REALLY TRIED!

Oh my god, this is exhausting and I'm getting more depressed. I have to get out of this bed! Go to computer. See post from Lav saying happy new year. Remembered Lav getting through Christmas. Replied. Decided to go to the store to get some groceries and stick close to the boards. Threw on my coat, grabbed my keys, went out to the car still considering buying a drink in the back of my mind ~ I'm mildly aware of the struggle at this point, because I think I'm beginning to shut down. I'm not going to think about it. I am just going to the store (I lied to myself). Turned the key in the ignition. Click. Tried again. Click. Dead battery. How can the battery be dead in my fairly new car? Phone rings, Dad called to make sure I got in safe. Told him my battery was dead. He suggested ordering some food from the grocery store. A lightbulb goes on. I was upset about my car, but it wasn't because I wanted food. I could order that from anywhere. I had given up the fight. I was almost certainly going to buy a drink if I went to the store. I hung up with dad and called the grocery store. Thankfully, I was immediately put on hold and had time for this thought to cross my mind "I can't wait an hour for a drink." I say thankfully, because the thought shocked me awake. What am I thinking? I hung up the phone and stood there staring at it. I took off my coat. I paced and paced. The turmoil inside again became too much and I shut down again. Before I knew it, I was on the phone dialing for a cab. Of course, I was put on hold because everyone needed a cab on new year's eve...another fortuitous event because it gave me another moment to think. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING???? Hang up! Hang up!

I did.

Go back to MWO? No, I just can't tonight. Giving voice to what I'm feeling/realizing might make me cry and I don't know if I can handle that right now.

Feeling miserable with myself, I turned on the tv and decided not to unpack. I curled up under a blanket and tried to watch a movie. The movie reminded me of a friend who I was sure was out partying, but we call each other almost every new year's eve to say "happy new year! I love you." I've known him since I was 11. I sent a text message and said I just watched this movie and I'm thinking of you. He called me within seconds and told me he had literally just finished watching that movie too ~ it was a movie from 15 years ago. Apparently, he had decided to stay in. Neither of us were drinking. He turned up his tv loud so that I could hear the ball drop with him, since we were a couple of time zones apart. We said "happy new year" and "I love you" like always...but different.

I fell asleep on the couch some time before midnight and woke up in the middle of the night on the first day of 2010 ~ still sober. I padded off to bed and came here to MWO after starting my coffee and arranging to get the car started.

I am not bouncing around thrilled and cheerful today that I made it through the night, like I thought I would be when I planned for a sober new year's eve so many weeks ago. Plain and simple, I am scared and I am tired. I am scared that I almost chose to drink and that if not for a few inconveniences, I may have. Tears coming now...wasn't this supposed to be a happy day?

Thanks for listening. I'll be back in a bit, not so self-absorbed and able to catch up with everyone. Much love.

[mighty mouse]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Hello friends, I'm so glad it is 2010. My company just left and now I am going to take a much needed nap. My nye was fun and sober and I also enjoyed some true chuckles Dill and LBH. And Lav I loved sneaking to my room and finding you there as the night went on. The loss of my mom hit me hard this holiday as I always talked to her at midnight. To have you there on guard Lav helped me more than I can express:h

Sped, what a nice mom!

Dill, thanks for the chat help. that was sweet you kept looking for me. I still don't have a clue how to do it and my brilliant kids could have shown me in a second but I couldn't ask them. I'll figure it out.

Red, Sooty, Cyn, SD, Lil and anyone I forgot, :welcome: FF, R, OH also,

love MM 2010!!

[mighty mouse]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Cross post Lode, It will get happy. Believe. and many, many :l's Also, what an amazing turn of events. the battery, your friend!! You had commited and the universe came to help you along...I have goose bumps

:hMM

[dill]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Lodestar, thank you for sharing you NYE battle here. You did well. I agree with MM, the universe moved to help you, just like in the Goethe quote:

That the moment one
definitely commits oneself
then Providence
moves too.

All sorts of things occur
to help one that would otherwise
never have occurred.
A whole stream of events
issues from the decision
raising in one`s favor
all manner of incidents and meetings
and material assistance
which no man would have
believed would have come.

[lodestar]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Whew! A good cry, unpacked and back in the fold ~ guess I just needed to get that out.

Sorry all for blubbering on the first day of the thread with so much good energy here! Thanks MM and Dill ~ I know you are both right. MM, sorry to hear about your mom...made me count my blessings. The world is a mysterious place and everything happened as it should have. I know more now than I did before.

So onward to a happy first day of 2010! In the words of LBH, "may we be well."

:l

[lilmea]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Lod-You did it. You made it through af!! Good for you. :l

[lodestar]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Thanks Lil & good to see you! I'm treating myself to a big plate of carbs with a side of fat ~ can't do it all Hope all is smoothing out with your family.

xxoo

[redhibiscus]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Lodestar,
Thanks so much for sharing your struggle....I think we all go through something similar to what you went through last night. The constant self-talk that tells us we want to drink, its OK to drink, and the other voice that is sanity. Why would we drink when we know it makes us feel so horrible? Whew, your description was amazing. I appreciated the car not starting, the phone calls put on hold, your friend at home and contacting you. It was really a night of miracles and you came out AF.

Dill, I loved the quote by Goethe. In my own life, I have made decisions and things have magically happened that I never would have thought could happen.

Took down the Christmas decorations, that is always kind of sad. I like the simple clean lines of my home without decorations, though. It is snowing, snowing, snowing here. We went to a movie, Sherlock Holmes, and it was fun. I feel sick though, and cannot believe that I have had three colds this season, way over my usual number. I will rest tomorrow too, that 's all I can do. Everyone, have a peaceful, AF evening.

[mighty mouse]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Hey Dill, that is the verses I was referring to. I need to print that for my book. Thanks!

I agree with Lil and Dill. :goodjob: It is quite the accomplishment you made it through!! and the trials you expressed ring very true to me and I'm sure most others. Thank you, I will print it and refer to it for more strength this 2010. Oh that clever al brain. stomp, stomp

MM

[mighty mouse]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Hi Red. Cross posted with you. Good night and friendship, MM

[dill]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Mighty, I thought that was the verse you were referring to. It was in a thread started the other day by Savon19. I liked it and copied the whole thing. Here's the whole thing if you want to copy it:


Until one is committed
there is hesitancy
the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of
initiative there is
one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which
kills countless ideas
and splendid plans:

That the moment one
definitely commits oneself
then Providence
moves too.

All sorts of things occur
to help one that would otherwise
never have occurred.
A whole stream of events
issues from the decision
raising in one`s favor
all manner of incidents and meetings
and material assistance
which no man would have
believed would have come.

Whatever you think you can do
or believe you can do;
begin it.
Action has magic, grace,
and power in it.

Goethe

Red, I took down my Christmas decorations yesterday and the day before. I managed to do it AF!!! First time in years and years.

[Lavande]

January: Just Do It! ~ AF ~ Week 1

Hey everyone!

Ended up having a much busier day than I planned but that's OK! Went to my daughter's again & helped her with some house projects.

Wow Lodestar - you have absolutely turned a corner! Good for you for beating down the beast last night!! You definitely won that battle

Dill - the quote from Goethe.........Good God how that applies to us! I answered Savvy when she posed the question - can we quit before we commit? I truly believe that Action has grace, magic & power!

Haven't had any time to put Christmas decorations away yet ~ hopefully tomorrow

Wishing everyone a terrific AF night!

Lav