I'm now on day 8. Have had 3 small glasses of wine in that time, over the last 4 days. No real cravings, only a euphoric feeling of liberation, control, and, while watching DH drink every day, superiority, as hypocritical as that sounds. But I'm quite stubborn and by nature will try not to 'feel' cravings, which lead me to question HOW I ended up here.
I've done most of the things y'all have done re: drinking, yet when I am NOT drinking, I don't really miss it. Inevitably, though, something will piss me off and I'll start down that binge slope again, knowing in my mind what I'm doing, but never stopping to think long enough to stop.
Looking back, I started over-drinking to piss off my ex - whose whole family except his brother were complete tee-totallers - when our marriage went to pieces and he refused to deal with it. By the time he left, it was a habit of the self-punishing, self-destructive kind. No one could hate me more than I did; after all, what did that 'poor' man do other than completely neglect his wife and kids and ultimately become abusive to the kids? According to him, he'd 'never done anything but love me', even if it was from afar, since he chose to never come home or pay attention to the gifts that God gave him. I bought it - hook, line and sinker, so I took it out on myself.
Fast forward to now, 20 years later, and a week of abstinence (not total abstinence, but by my usual daily drinking capacity, it IS abstinence), I CLEARLY see that my drinking issues have MUCH more to do with punishing myself and those around me than actual alcoholism, which I think is why I don't have real withdrawal or cravings like others seem to, at least not PHYSICAL symptoms.
My drinking is EMOTIONAL. It is a CRUTCH I have learned to rely on instead of feeling. I use it to avoid bad feelings, to avoid doing what I don't want to do, to punish those who hurt me, to moderate 'good' feelings because I have learned Newton's Law 'For every (emotion) there is an equal and opposite (emotion)'; therefore, if I do not feel the high/success/happiness, I won't have to suffer the low/failure/sadness.
I use alcohol almost COMPLETLEY as an emotional crutch, not out of addiction, but from learned behavior based on past VERY BAD CHOICES. In other words, I CHOOSE to be the powerless, out-of-control person, and for SOME reason, I have learned/decided that avoidance is an acceptable way of life. Now my job is to find out WHY and to fix it.
I do NOT plan to have any more alcohol and it's been an eye-opener to actually FEEL and BEGIN to understand what I do and HONESTLY assess WHY. It is up to ME to be honest and responsible in that process. Prayers and fingers crossed. You all have been more help and support than you will ever know.
Georgie Girl
I've done most of the things y'all have done re: drinking, yet when I am NOT drinking, I don't really miss it. Inevitably, though, something will piss me off and I'll start down that binge slope again, knowing in my mind what I'm doing, but never stopping to think long enough to stop.
Looking back, I started over-drinking to piss off my ex - whose whole family except his brother were complete tee-totallers - when our marriage went to pieces and he refused to deal with it. By the time he left, it was a habit of the self-punishing, self-destructive kind. No one could hate me more than I did; after all, what did that 'poor' man do other than completely neglect his wife and kids and ultimately become abusive to the kids? According to him, he'd 'never done anything but love me', even if it was from afar, since he chose to never come home or pay attention to the gifts that God gave him. I bought it - hook, line and sinker, so I took it out on myself.
Fast forward to now, 20 years later, and a week of abstinence (not total abstinence, but by my usual daily drinking capacity, it IS abstinence), I CLEARLY see that my drinking issues have MUCH more to do with punishing myself and those around me than actual alcoholism, which I think is why I don't have real withdrawal or cravings like others seem to, at least not PHYSICAL symptoms.
My drinking is EMOTIONAL. It is a CRUTCH I have learned to rely on instead of feeling. I use it to avoid bad feelings, to avoid doing what I don't want to do, to punish those who hurt me, to moderate 'good' feelings because I have learned Newton's Law 'For every (emotion) there is an equal and opposite (emotion)'; therefore, if I do not feel the high/success/happiness, I won't have to suffer the low/failure/sadness.
I use alcohol almost COMPLETLEY as an emotional crutch, not out of addiction, but from learned behavior based on past VERY BAD CHOICES. In other words, I CHOOSE to be the powerless, out-of-control person, and for SOME reason, I have learned/decided that avoidance is an acceptable way of life. Now my job is to find out WHY and to fix it.
I do NOT plan to have any more alcohol and it's been an eye-opener to actually FEEL and BEGIN to understand what I do and HONESTLY assess WHY. It is up to ME to be honest and responsible in that process. Prayers and fingers crossed. You all have been more help and support than you will ever know.
Georgie Girl
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