Every time I?ve bounced back home when the shit?s hit the fan in the past it?s been even harder to maintain some sort of independence within the family unit. The feelings of worthlessness and my low self esteem did nothing to help either.
I?ve been living back home with my mum now for about 3 years. Since my relationship broke down with my ex and I had nowhere to live my mum offered for me to move back home. I was still, at that time, trying to live in the same house as my ex for my daughter?s sake. But, I felt this was prolonging a final outcome within my ex partners head and making the situation worse. We argued more and my chronic relapsing every few months was not helping the situation one bit. So we kind of all agreed that me moving back home would benefit everyone; although I don?t think my mum seriously knew what she was letting herself in for.
This makes it all the more difficult for me at present with my self centered attitude in feeling that she is dependent on me for so much (she was discharged from hospital on Monday after heart bypass surgery). Whilst she was in hospital there was a certain sense of the umbilical chord being cut. That independent living I?ve so desperately wanted to get back seemed very real. On Monday though that all changed.
I lay in bed Monday night with my alarm set for 6.00am and feeling quite angry and scared. ?How am I gonna cope with this for the next 3 months?? was the prominent thought. I can get very macabre with the role playing in my head too, believe me! I used to imagine myself holding my daughter in my arms whilst she died after being hit by a drunk driver. The role plays are usually centered around me though and what I?m doing and how I?m feeling rather than anything else. It was no different that night when I imagined my mother suddenly dying in the night and how it would effect my situation at home. I?m trying my best to arrange care with my two brothers who fortunately are both living back at home themselves due to circumstances.
If it wasn?t for my younger brother being here I don?t know how well I would of coped yesterday and I?m really grateful he was here. We?ve almost got a timetable together for when we?ve all got our own important things to do, the most important being our contact with our children. (Yes! we?re all separated!).
I can already see after a few nights that my mum is going to be ?difficult? to look after. Her impression was that things would be easier if she could just get home and lie in her own bed. This of course didn?t make a difference because it?s not the bed that?s the problem. I think she?s starting to realise herself what a battle she?s in for. She realised this morning that coping with the stairs at home is not going to be as easy as she anticipated either.
I think one of the most important messages I took from speaking to my support worker yesterday was that these selfless acts we do for others will have far greater rewards in the future for us. It may not seem that way right now but I need to put my trust in what my intuition is telling me and listen to my heart and not my head. The thing about us addicts/alcoholics is that we don?t like change, especially when that means we have more responsibilities with that change.
I am totally reminded of a situation here early on in recovery when I wanted to move from the family home into a shared ?dry house? with other volunteers in The Social Partnership (A drug/alcohol support agency where I volunteered early on). My reasoning was I wanted the independence back and I needed to start standing on my own two feet. The real reason was I was fixing myself emotionally with a girl who lived in the property and I wanted to be close to her. Little did I know she was already in a relationship with someone who lived in the house!. I struggled so hard against listening to the advice of my support worker, my focal counselor and my sponsor. I?ve learned to trust today that when I?m battling against my self will it usually means I know deep down it is not the right thing for me to do. I turned this back on myself yesterday and realised that I?m angry with myself really not my mum. I know, I need to give myself a break.
After doing a Rickter Scale assessment with my support worker yesterday I too came to realise that in other areas of my life I am procrastinating and being lazy. I?ve had worries recently about my benefits being stopped and being ?thrown? back onto JSA. The drop in money will again be a drastic change in many respects. Thoughts of ?How will I cope?? have been plaguing me for a while. I can?t be a martyr here but at the same time I feel it may be the kick up the arse I need to get out there again and pursue my goals. I came away feeling very confident yesterday that I know what I need to do. I?ve been searching the internet last night for courses in Music Therapy (waiting to hear on funding for that one!) I also contacted my shamanic healer and have asked for her guidance too. I put my family first last night and this morning I?m gonna spend it sitting with my mum telling her how I?ve felt these past few weeks. I?m a chronic people pleaser and I?m easily lead which at times causes great resentments when I feel I?m being ?cornered?. I have to remember that we are both in the process of healing here though so easy does it (as they say!)
Change is inevitable but how we as alcoholics react to that change is what can cause serious chaos and emotional unmanageability in our lives.
Love and Light
Phil
xx
I?ve been living back home with my mum now for about 3 years. Since my relationship broke down with my ex and I had nowhere to live my mum offered for me to move back home. I was still, at that time, trying to live in the same house as my ex for my daughter?s sake. But, I felt this was prolonging a final outcome within my ex partners head and making the situation worse. We argued more and my chronic relapsing every few months was not helping the situation one bit. So we kind of all agreed that me moving back home would benefit everyone; although I don?t think my mum seriously knew what she was letting herself in for.
This makes it all the more difficult for me at present with my self centered attitude in feeling that she is dependent on me for so much (she was discharged from hospital on Monday after heart bypass surgery). Whilst she was in hospital there was a certain sense of the umbilical chord being cut. That independent living I?ve so desperately wanted to get back seemed very real. On Monday though that all changed.
I lay in bed Monday night with my alarm set for 6.00am and feeling quite angry and scared. ?How am I gonna cope with this for the next 3 months?? was the prominent thought. I can get very macabre with the role playing in my head too, believe me! I used to imagine myself holding my daughter in my arms whilst she died after being hit by a drunk driver. The role plays are usually centered around me though and what I?m doing and how I?m feeling rather than anything else. It was no different that night when I imagined my mother suddenly dying in the night and how it would effect my situation at home. I?m trying my best to arrange care with my two brothers who fortunately are both living back at home themselves due to circumstances.
If it wasn?t for my younger brother being here I don?t know how well I would of coped yesterday and I?m really grateful he was here. We?ve almost got a timetable together for when we?ve all got our own important things to do, the most important being our contact with our children. (Yes! we?re all separated!).
I can already see after a few nights that my mum is going to be ?difficult? to look after. Her impression was that things would be easier if she could just get home and lie in her own bed. This of course didn?t make a difference because it?s not the bed that?s the problem. I think she?s starting to realise herself what a battle she?s in for. She realised this morning that coping with the stairs at home is not going to be as easy as she anticipated either.
I think one of the most important messages I took from speaking to my support worker yesterday was that these selfless acts we do for others will have far greater rewards in the future for us. It may not seem that way right now but I need to put my trust in what my intuition is telling me and listen to my heart and not my head. The thing about us addicts/alcoholics is that we don?t like change, especially when that means we have more responsibilities with that change.
I am totally reminded of a situation here early on in recovery when I wanted to move from the family home into a shared ?dry house? with other volunteers in The Social Partnership (A drug/alcohol support agency where I volunteered early on). My reasoning was I wanted the independence back and I needed to start standing on my own two feet. The real reason was I was fixing myself emotionally with a girl who lived in the property and I wanted to be close to her. Little did I know she was already in a relationship with someone who lived in the house!. I struggled so hard against listening to the advice of my support worker, my focal counselor and my sponsor. I?ve learned to trust today that when I?m battling against my self will it usually means I know deep down it is not the right thing for me to do. I turned this back on myself yesterday and realised that I?m angry with myself really not my mum. I know, I need to give myself a break.
After doing a Rickter Scale assessment with my support worker yesterday I too came to realise that in other areas of my life I am procrastinating and being lazy. I?ve had worries recently about my benefits being stopped and being ?thrown? back onto JSA. The drop in money will again be a drastic change in many respects. Thoughts of ?How will I cope?? have been plaguing me for a while. I can?t be a martyr here but at the same time I feel it may be the kick up the arse I need to get out there again and pursue my goals. I came away feeling very confident yesterday that I know what I need to do. I?ve been searching the internet last night for courses in Music Therapy (waiting to hear on funding for that one!) I also contacted my shamanic healer and have asked for her guidance too. I put my family first last night and this morning I?m gonna spend it sitting with my mum telling her how I?ve felt these past few weeks. I?m a chronic people pleaser and I?m easily lead which at times causes great resentments when I feel I?m being ?cornered?. I have to remember that we are both in the process of healing here though so easy does it (as they say!)
Change is inevitable but how we as alcoholics react to that change is what can cause serious chaos and emotional unmanageability in our lives.
Love and Light
Phil
xx
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