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**millie50** · October 5, 2006, 06:41 PM

Not being upfront with others

Amelia-You are at least upfront with yourself...that is WAY so important and you should give yourself alot of credit for that. I think that is the first and biggest step in this whole thing. Of course, I could be wrong...but I think so. You know, I havent told ONE person that i am trying to watch the booze. I tried to tell my husband and that turned out to be a bummer because he was so........"not there". Not sure I can explain that WHOLE THING. But at any rate, you are doing great. I know for myself, the hardest thing is to love myself enough to be honest with myself. It is really hard. I am only drinking one glass of wine a night and I am in tears sometimes I want another glass so much. I dont have enough courage to quit 100 percent yet...sigh. I laughed at your story. Maybe you should too? It really is funny. It reminds me of an "I love Lucy" episode. hugs and believe it or not...you are doing great!!

**AMELIA** · October 5, 2006, 07:18 PM

Not being upfront with others

Hey Millie, thanks for your reply!! Yeah, I know the scenario I posted is comical (its all about trying to avoid reality - and dealing with others -which can get you into BIG TROUBLE) yes I did laugh out loud when I re-read it and re-lived it - man,WHAT WAS I THINKING?
However at the time it was completely compelling. Very frightening.

I'm sorry you have had difficulties talking to your man. Are you only drinking 1 glass of wine a night? To be honest, that doesn't seem a whole lot to me, however I am up around the 2-3 bottles a day area....
One glass a night wouldn't worry me at all, however I do understand it is probably more about the wanting than the having...

My man seems very understanding..... He likes how 'we are' so much more if I haven't been drinking. However, he is paritial to drinking himself and would not hesitate to have 1, 2 or 3 glasses of wine a night. I however (physically half his size could drink twice that much) I know I choose who 'I tell' about my drinking very carefully. Partly to protect myself (and my privacy) I have told my family and some very closer friends (that I can be sure will not endanger my trust). But it is a tough call. I have some really close girlfriends that I have not said anything to. More so because they are not big drinkers and I,....well, I am not sure why yet. Perhaps I am afraid of having too many people on my case. Who knows. Amelia

**Lucy Van Pelt** · October 6, 2006, 09:12 AM

Not being upfront with others

Amelia

I sooo can relate to your story, and it really is VERY funny!! We go from trying to hide how much we are drinking to hiding that we are NOT drinking. That is comical!! I went through that at first. I didn't want people to notice I wasn't drinking, because I didn't want to "explain" why I wasn't. But guess what....most people don't really care, or don't really even notice. Because THEY are not sitting and watching what you are doing....you are the one fixated on it. Only if they are alcoholics themselves, or if they have reason to be watching your intake do they even focus on what you are drinking.

also, there are so many easy ways out...for example...."can't drink tonight, I am on antibiotics, wish I could join you"....

we make it sooo hard on ourselves (sigh)...read your post again and get a really good laugh..we are a funny bunch, actually:H

**YoungAtHeart** · October 6, 2006, 10:24 AM

Not being upfront with others

Amelia, my heart aches for you during that story. I'm glad that you can laugh at it now. Maybe next time you can go with the antibiotics story, people usually accept that one pretty easily. Good luck!

**wwbarb** · October 6, 2006, 03:23 PM

Not being upfront with others

My husband is telling everyone that I am not at the pub because I quit drinking to try and lose weight. I actually think he believes that is the reason. While that is a big part of it, it is only one benefit. Nobody has questioned it, and some of my friends said good idea and developed their own plan.

I think we don't want people to know that we are quitting because there is something inside of us that says if I tell them I quit, I am admitting I have a problem. Another nasty little voice would say how are you supposed to quit if everyone expects you to drink, so we don't tell them so that we can blame them for our lapses. That's been my case in the past with both drinking and dieting.

Whatever works for you is fine. I am borderline obsessed with this 10 lbs I need to lose (that's something else I'm working on). Nobody needs to know your business - don't feel like you owe them an explanation. If a white lie or a stretched truth is what you need to get you through, go for it.

**Waves 2** · October 7, 2006, 09:19 AM

Not being upfront with others

Hi Amelia,

I don't like to tell people because I am watching them to see if they are watching me waiting for me to fall ! Paranoid or what?

I was sitting here panicking for you while reading your post. I felt so serious and upset for you and then saw the I Love Lucy comment and cracked up laughing.

I hope you can regain what you had soon. All the best.

Waves

**Tumadre7** · October 8, 2006, 08:42 PM

Not being upfront with others

Hi all-
Two years ago, I stopped drinking, in November. By the time we drove to my brother's house the night before Christmas Eve, I was feeling pretty good about myself and my sobriety. We got there a bit earlier than planned, and my brother & sister-in-law were over at the friend's. Now, as we say in my family, "you're either an alcoholic, or you're married to one, or both". Actually, no one says that out loud. So my brother and wife are huge drinkers, especially her. When they heard we had arrived, they wanted us to go over there (for drinks, of course). I hemmed and hawed, trying to come up with some excuse...we're tired, we'll just stay here with the kids, etc. Finally, my 14 year old daughter says (loudly) "Mom, just tell them you stopped drinking!" (tone of voice like WHAT is the BIG DEAL?). I was so embarassed!

**Tumadre7** · October 8, 2006, 08:50 PM

Not being upfront with others

But you know what? Just to be honest, the next night I ended up getting totally shitfaced with my sister-in-law, and we had a blast late at night, being Santa for the kids. That's really the only I can have fun with her, if I'm drinking too...Until she gets really drunk, then starts verbally abusing whoever is available. Then, it's hell.

**AMELIA** · October 9, 2006, 01:51 AM

Not being upfront with others

Hello All,
I am relieved it is not only me that has difficulties dealing with telling or not telling that we are not drinking.

CHRISTMAS.....hmmm that's going to be difficult.
We are flying back to New Zealand at the beginning of December and staying until after NYE.
Mind you I have told my parents that I have had drinking problems (also my sister and brother) so I reckon they will get on my case if I do drink so it may be easier than what I think. I do have a few girlfriends that have already emailed me suggesting that we all go out on a BOOZY night out, so I am going to have to have WATERTIGHT excuses already thought up if I don't want to tell all.
I am starting the programme again this week as since my relapse I have got worse than before. I swore I would never buy vodka (because I have never been a spirit drinker and the thought of consuming an alcohol that didn't really smell on your breath would put me on a slippery path) but I have secretly gone through two large bottles in the last couple of weekends. I sneak it IN BETWEEN drinking wine with my partner.
So I have got worse and can't imagine now trying to moderate.....I just don't think it will work for me.
Plus I really have to give myself a good month/two of abstinence before I go home.
Wish me luck!! Amelia

**Jandal** · October 9, 2006, 03:50 AM

Not being upfront with others

Hi Kiwi - guess where I live?

I know exactly what you're heading into coming back at Christmas.

And we're only human. We all make mistakes. Been there, done that countless times!

I know I'm scared to admit what I am doing to my friends and family because I am genuinely worried about their reaction - that they'll think I won't be fun any more and that they won't know how to behave around me. But then I also think that I probably don't give them enough credit. I just need to suck it up and tell them - that way it commits me to seeing this through.

**AMELIA** · October 9, 2006, 08:05 AM

Not being upfront with others

Hey Jandal, What part of NZ do you live in?
Yeah, telling parents is a hard thing to do. Mine were really supportive, told me alcoholism ran in the family etc. But I guess they were just worried about why I drank the amount I drank. They did ring loads of times after I told them to ask 'how' I was. I haven't told them I have relapsed, I don't want to worry them again. However I am planning to get right back on that wagon before I head home.

You say that you wonder whether they will think you are still fun if you don't drink,...are they all big drinkers too??

Its a tough one. For me I feel better telling them. They even offered to fly me home.
Let me know if you do tell them and what their reaction is if you want to share it.
Best of luck
Amelia

**Jandal** · October 13, 2006, 06:40 PM

Not being upfront with others

Hi Amelia
I'm in Dunnos. Not a student by any stretch of the imagination although I do know that culture very well, and probably learned my best/worst drinking lessons when I was at Massey.

I think I have always associated with people that are big drinkers but most of them don't seem to have a problem with it - I say that only because I don't always know what goes on behind their closed doors. I guess I am probably overreacting when I say that my friends won't think I'm fun any more. When I think back to when my cousin said he was cutting right back on the sauce - and he's been a huge drinker - I told him 'good for you'. And maybe most people are supportive ? it could be that I?m just being over-sensitive to admitting my problem.

The thing is that over the years so many of my friends and family have seen my behaviour after I've had too much to drink, so really I have nothing to hide. It's all been out there. So I should just front up and say it. I think I will be doing this at Christmas when like you, I meet up with everyone again (they all live north). I really want to prove that I have managed to get this demon under control.

The other thing is that I've been seeing a really lovely bloke for the past seven months but the nature of our relationship is that we only manage to see each other every fortnight or maybe once a month. A few times we have been together I've gotten carried away drinking (I know it) not to the point of doing anything really stupid but definitely not feeling as if I had any control over my behaviour. At one function I was completely obnoxious and we almost broke up that night ? it wasn?t actually down to my drinking that we almost split but I think I could have helped myself by having it under control. So I have had to take a long hard look at myself and decide what?s more important, and I realised that if I continued to put booze ahead of everything and everyone else, then I will just be a carbon copy of my dad. And I really don?t want that life.

In the last couple of weeks I have found myself being upfront about reducing the amount I drink and using my willpower to resist the urge to go buy that bottle of wine. My bloke did turn up during the week but fortunately it wasn?t appropriate to be drinking up large so I managed to exercise some very rare discipline. There were seven of us at the table for dinner and a couple of bottles of wine but I managed to restrict myself to only about three glasses, sipping water in-between, and then not making a lunge for the bottle to finish it off so that there was no waste - how many times in the past had I done that?? I was really pleased with myself.

I have had a very crap four years or so, but a number of big things in the past couple of months have started turning around for me not the least of it having my children back with me at least half time (I?d been kept at arms length by their very angry father ? that?s another very sad chapter that?s closing), so I figure I?ve been given a huge opportunity to take control of my drinking and turn myself and my attitude right around.

I'm really pleased I found this programme because I don't think we have this kind of thing in NZ. They have these TV ads saying 'It's not what we're drinking, it's how we're drinking' and they show you all of these easily recognisable scenarios, but then they never follow up with what to do to get out of the cycle. I don't want to be pitied or patronised, but I need to know that there is a way forward without people frowning down on you. I had a bit of a shock when I went to my doctor the other month - she had down on my notes 'binge drinking' and it kind of blew me away to see that. I think I told her that I drank a bit more than I should from time to time, but to see that in black and white - geez! Then I realised that she had written the truth.

I did tell my sister that I was trying hard to do something about my drinking and she didn't say good on you, she said 'I've been really worried about you and your drinking' and then it hit me that everytime I did drink, I'd be phoning her so she'd hear me at my worst, or she'd get a run down of what went wrong after I'd had a binge night. I know Mum has been worried too, but I don't just want to be all words again - I need to prove it to myself that I can do it, and then be able to show them.

Sorry for the novel - I started writing and it all started pouring out.
Cheers
Jandal

**headless1** · October 13, 2006, 07:18 PM

Not being upfront with others

It is tough, don't know if I will ever be able to quit long term. Like you I am motivated but that seems to vanish with the call of the wild. I haven't had a drink for 2 days now. Today I left work at a new restaurant I am working in looked right at the bottle of my favorite scotch on the shelf and said no, go home. Imagine a free drink & I turned it down, ; - ) I think in the beginning you just tell whoever it is that you are not drinking and you will quickly know who you should and shouldn't hang around. You don't need an excuse, just say no thank you I don't want a drink or feel like one or you fill in the blanks. If they persist and you cave in, or don't, then you've got one more to add to the list.When you feel like a drink get busy, do something. I drink because I like the feeling but also to relieve unrelenting anxiety. The worst enemy of anxiety is idleness. When you are frozen by anxiety just move it, do something. I wish I could always follow my own advice. Anyway Amelia--you've got plenty of company so don't shortchange yourself or beat yourself up over it. Live in the moment and drink or don't drink because that's what YOU want to do. Forget everybody else for once-- it mayseem lonely but what's the alternative. Besides I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely surrounded by all of my "friends" take care and good luck!
headless

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