Returning after failure

[modereco]

Hello,

I found this website back in September and posted a few times, and had a lot of replies with great support. I really wanted to go AF for a month and then try to drink in moderation, but after reading quite a lot of posts, i started noticing something very different about myself, and eventually I kept up with my AF mission but didn't keep up with My Way Out or the forums.

What i noticed that was different, is that I wasn't having much of a struggle. in fact, it wasn't like I had any cravings at all and I really didn't feel the need for medicine or supplements, other than some herbal tea or melatonin, etc to help me get to sleep at night when i used to always drink to relax. I got so confident because I really have strong willpower and don't suffer too much from cravings, I've never "hit rock bottom" or had my job, life, relationships etc. destroyed by alcohol... so I started to feel like, well maybe I am not an alcoholic after all, I just need to be more moderate.

So after 38 days of total AF sobriety, I decided i could allow myself to indulge a bit on Halloween. I was at a party with my partner and friends, and I only had 2 drinks. No big deal! The next week, one night I went out for dinner... had a couple glasses of wine, no big deal! Sounds good so far?

So now here I am several months later and somehow I moved from a goal to being AF, to a lifestyle very much like the one I had before. Drinking every day, sometimes a litre of wine, or as much as a half bottle of vodka (like 13 ounces or more). Spending 100s of dollars a week on alcohol. Planning my evenings and weekends around time to be drunk. And having episodes where I black out and do insane things, which often come close to hurting my relationships and career - like calling a work associate at 2am and having no memory of what I said the next day...

The black outs are the most scary. 3-4 hours sometimes fully awake, interacting with others but with no memory of what i said or did. This time I have facebook pictures that someone took, as evidence that it happened... and finally it hit me that this is SEVERE and I need help.

So I went last Tuesday to an AA meeting, for the first time in my life. I have been to 3 more and I've been sober and totally AF for 9 days now. AA is every bit as depressing and pathetic as i expected, and i still have the strong will and no real cravings or anything. i haven't felt this good in months actually, but now i'm wondering what is next. If I don't keep going to AA and jump on their misery bandwagon, I feel like I am doomed to failure again.
:upset:

Anyway i know I'm far from perfect and I shouldn't have been so confident!


Are there others with a similar story? Is AA my only choice? if I keep going once a week or so for a reminder, will they let me continue without a sponsor or tell me I'm doing it wrong? And if I drink again, even once, am i back to square one or is there some in between?

[rubywillow]

Returning after failure

Mod, AA is not fcor everyone, as EVERY AA group is not for everyone. You've done a lot of self-discovery. Sometimes it takes falling on our butt to realize we are NOT as strong against AL as we think. I don't have your answer. Everyone must find that for themselves. But there IS one out for you, and if you work on it, you will find it. I went to AA for a long time, but it was depressing for me too. It's a wonderful tool, but there are many others. I hope you get a lot of suggestions, but being here, and reading everything here, is a great start. Blackouts are a very bad sign; I know. Keep posting, reading, and asking for help here. Its what saved me.
Ruby

[ladyjan]

Returning after failure

Yep,
I ditto all what Rubes said, really..I truly do,

I tried AA as well and I left after a meeting and went to the first bar for several large vodkas.. AA didn't work for me..
but MWO has..
took me a while and it was a very much up and down ride, but at last I have got to grips with it..
just don't give up, read what others have written and you will find you can relate to so many..
you are not alone, going thru what we all have been thru, or are still going thru, but there is so much help and support here, you are not alone..
LJ
:l:l:l

[mollyka]

Returning after failure

Hi Mod
I identify with what you say. I too can honestly say I don't feel or haven't felt cravings as such, sometimes I think yeah a glass of wine would be lovely, but aw why bother. I was drinking 26 oz bottle vodka a day plus wine and anything else that came along, but like you last March was AF 30+ days and went on holidays and because it had all been so easy and seamless giving up I decided to have 'a few' on my hols................ the rest is a 10 month bender.
In answer, I don't know about you, maybe I don't suffer when I'm going AF but I can never ever safely touch a drink again.

[ThisWayOut]

Returning after failure

Mod, your story is all too familiar. Your not alone. Several things I see in common with me. Last few years drinking got out of control - similar to yours. But, never "hit rock bottom" or had my job, relationships or anything destroyed. But, I knew I definitely had a problem and was not happy with this life style. So, to make a long story short, I discovered MWO and decided to go AL-Free on Jan 1st. My life changed dramatically, I had more energy and happy for the first time in a long time. Didn't have to go through hangovers every day and all the regrets and embarrassments any more. Like you, I did not have to struggle - no withdrawals (except for sleep issues first week) and no cravings. I did slip once since (still not sure why - maybe subconsciously became too confident), but got back to AL-Free the very next day and will stay that way from now on. Personally, I find a nice balance of MWO and AA works for me. And reading other books (Allen Carr, Dyer, etc). But everyone is different. I don't take supplements or drugs. I too find AA depressing and dogmatic sometimes, but nice to have local support and going to meetings is a good reminder of why not to drink. In AA, you can take what you want from it and leave the rest. I go to meetings and I don't have a sponsor. The folks on MWO, as you know, are great and a place for sharing and support on-line. If you are like me, your life will become significantly better going AF, rather trying to moderate and falling down that slippery slope of devastation. And you will be happy - very happy. Just don't have "one" and you will be OK. Welcome back and check back in often...TWO

[modereco]

Returning after failure

Thanks Rubywillow and Ladyjan. i appreciate the encouragement and i know there must be a way.

It is true that I have only been to 3 groups so far with AA, so maybe I just have to find the right group. The thing that bugs me is when talking one-on-one, they repeat so many myths I have heard before and that I simply don't believe to be true. One guy who was 12 years sober told me that anyone who gets drunk is an alcoholic. He said, people who are not alcohic will sit all night with only one drink or two at most. But this is not true! There are people who enjoy a good party from time to time, but they know how to pace themselves and don't get stinking wasted, blackout or pass out like I do. Not EVERYONE who likes to drink is an alcoholic, but i feel like these AA people are so jealous and unhappy that others are having the fun they cannot, so they build up this mythology about the outside world. it is also rather "cult-like" with all their catch phrases and sayings.

[modereco]

Returning after failure

Thanks Mollyka and This Way Out, I really feel like the best way for me is 100% AF, no "one" drink or trying to moderate again. i am glad to hear similar stories, it is very encouraging to me. i like the idea of taking what is helpful from a once per week AA meeting and leaving the rest. They are very nice people and just as i do not want to be judged, I should not judge them.

[Marshy]

Returning after failure

Hi modereco,

Well done for coming back!

I'd certainly suggest shopping around and trying out different types of AA meetings. I got a booklet that has a brief description of all the meetings in London (about 100 a day to choose from!) and picked out a few I wanted to try. I didn't really like the first two I went to for various reasons. I've now settled on lesbian/gay meetings which are probably not as traditional as some others, which suits me fine.
I assume AA will have a similar booklet for Toronto or the info will be online.

And keep posting here too - it does help.