How will we be remembered?

[Guest]

I read in a post Ruby telling about a brother-in-law dying and the fact that his alcoholism would be his legacy.

I have thought of this so much lately. How will I be remembered at this point in my life.
Before moving here 4 years ago, the memory would have been different. I was the grandmother who kept the grand kids weekends. To my children I had occasional problems with alcohol in my latter years, divorced from a difficult situation, but not how they imagine me now.

Our home life with them growing up had a rule of no alcohol on holidays. We did not drink to celebrate. My goal had been to give my kids a different life style than my husband and I had grew up with. No one ever fell into the Christmas tree at their holidays. No family fights late at night. They admired me. I gave them all the chance to grow up without turmoil daily in their lives. Their father drank, but not at holidays.

Now, wow, life has taken such a change for me. A hard drinking man has changed all their thoughts of me. They have distanced themselves from me, phone calls etc. They don't know me, can't imagine I have this problem. Hate my husband and my choice to be here. My last phone call with my daughter was, "if you weren't drinking Mom, you'd never be with him!" She is my only daughter and tries to understand my fear of leaving, but also has no intent on sharing this with me. She cuts me out, unless I leave a message and she can tell I am sober, then we have this unsaid rule, don't tell me about your life.
My sons....just won't understand. Have cut me out!

I told my daughter, sober, we have no money for a funeral, if something should happen to me. My husband will have me cremated. Just thought at my age should discuss this, then let it go. She said "Mom, he can do what he wants, but he is sending the ashes to me! I am going to bury you here at home and you will have a headstone! I need you here with me!" It broke my heart, I thought they didn't care anymore.

How do we want to be remembered! I do not want to die a drunk!!!! It has erased all the 40 years of good I did in my life! The kids are proud of my business but I haven't seen them in so many years, this is how they will remember me now. An alcoholic!

So my goal is not to let that happen. Of course they don't know about the months I don't drink. They just know the problem that got out of hand here. They are hard task masters, no mistakes are allowed. I am so proud of them.

It keeps me trying and hoping one day I will see the pride in my childrens eyes for their Mother again. I need them, but they can't be there for me now. I keep trying. I live so alone and sober most of the time.

[bloggy]

How will we be remembered?

That is a very heartfelt post AG I wish there had been more responses, I feel the post may have been missed by some.

I feel at the end of the day we have to stop for us, not for children or spouses or anyone else or it isnt going to happen.

We dont want to be remembered as alcoholics but I guess when I am 6 foot under how others percieve me wont be my biggest worry, my biggest worry is how I interact with others today.

I read something interesting today: "By meeting other's needs you will ultimately meet your own" - most of the time my addicted brain doesnt interpret my own needs correctly, however I do know for others to be happy today I need to be sober therefore ultimately giving myself a bigger gift than I have given them.

[shine on]

How will we be remembered?

how will we be remembered

Saving grace, your name explains it all, ask the good Lord to bring your children back to you and let them see you for who you really are..If you were crippled or had a speech impediment, would they stay away, we all fall so short, and it is by the grace of God that we are saved, so in saying that and not getting too out there, I also had a falling out with my whole family after my dear mom died. It was simply awful, I was on medication and had a few glasses of wine and said a few things that led into this OMG she is a drunk and on and on and it is still happening, but things have since happened to those very same people who started slandering in the first place. It was a wake up call for me, and I play it over and over every night and it makes me want to be AF and then it drives me to say what the hell, who gives a crap anyway. Of course, I give a crap, so I just hope that you can find some peace, that you are much more than a drunk for God's sake,,we love you I am new here, and it is almost very hard to say what I mean because of the pain..we are your family and we think you are wonderful..Dwell on those things that are good and pleasing..now if I can just take in what I tell you I would feel better, but please remember that you are loved more than you know!

[rubywillow]

How will we be remembered?

Grace, I've been in and out today, but just now reading this post. You and I have talked about your situation, how I feel about it, how sad it makes me. I've gone through something similar; my daughter would not talk to me for almost a year, cut off my contact with my grands. It broke my heart, but it woke me up, changed me, changed my priorities. Since then, I've had the most special moments with her and my grandchildren, that I never would have had if Al had continued to rule my life. The most telling thing is what your daughter said: I need you here with me. Grace, that is your out from the life you are living. I don't know or understand about your business, but if you can run one in the misery you're in, you can run one somewhere else, where you're loved and sober. We only get a few chances in life to really make a difference, and to change our fate. Your daughter (and your sons!) don't want your ashes, they want you. I'd be willing to bet there's a couch somewhere for you to sleep on, grandchildren to bring you your glasses, cooking and babysitting to be done by a sober, loving grandmother and mother. I hope you think about what's important to you now. To give the rest of your time to someone who is not worthy, or to spend your time rebuilding the trust of the children you gave birth to, and enjoying the abundant love grandchildren have for their grandmother. I am not in your situation as far as a husband, but I have been there for all the other. I'll never go back. I'll never lose that love and sweet adoration of a grandchild for anything else in my life. Please, stop the negative thoughts about the future, and plan for a brilliant one. You have lots of time if you learn you have value now and act on it. There doesn't seem to be anything redeeming in the relationship you have now. Do you think you are the only woman out there without a safety net? You don't have small children who can't be fed, or who are sick and can't be treated. You have you, and it's obviously important to your children. They want their mother back, not what you've become in his company. So either you WANT to change, have your life back, or your life as it is now is an excuse to drink. I'm sorry this is so blunt, but I've BEEN there. You have a decision to make, and when you do (I'm praying it's for your children) I bet the support will come pouring out, as long as you can leave the AL with him. It's ultimately your choice, but as Jack Nicholson said to Shirley MacLaine in 'The Evening Star', when she was talking about trying to make up her mind about doing things in the future, "There's just not that many more shopping days left til Christmas." Our time is not infinite. I'm sorry to be harsh, but I WANT to get your attention. Please, make the right decision.
I'm pulling for you, girl. You can do it.
Rubes