I have thought of this so much lately. How will I be remembered at this point in my life.
Before moving here 4 years ago, the memory would have been different. I was the grandmother who kept the grand kids weekends. To my children I had occasional problems with alcohol in my latter years, divorced from a difficult situation, but not how they imagine me now.
Our home life with them growing up had a rule of no alcohol on holidays. We did not drink to celebrate. My goal had been to give my kids a different life style than my husband and I had grew up with. No one ever fell into the Christmas tree at their holidays. No family fights late at night. They admired me. I gave them all the chance to grow up without turmoil daily in their lives. Their father drank, but not at holidays.
Now, wow, life has taken such a change for me. A hard drinking man has changed all their thoughts of me. They have distanced themselves from me, phone calls etc. They don't know me, can't imagine I have this problem. Hate my husband and my choice to be here. My last phone call with my daughter was, "if you weren't drinking Mom, you'd never be with him!" She is my only daughter and tries to understand my fear of leaving, but also has no intent on sharing this with me. She cuts me out, unless I leave a message and she can tell I am sober, then we have this unsaid rule, don't tell me about your life.
My sons....just won't understand. Have cut me out!
I told my daughter, sober, we have no money for a funeral, if something should happen to me. My husband will have me cremated. Just thought at my age should discuss this, then let it go. She said "Mom, he can do what he wants, but he is sending the ashes to me! I am going to bury you here at home and you will have a headstone! I need you here with me!" It broke my heart, I thought they didn't care anymore.
How do we want to be remembered! I do not want to die a drunk!!!! It has erased all the 40 years of good I did in my life! The kids are proud of my business but I haven't seen them in so many years, this is how they will remember me now. An alcoholic!
So my goal is not to let that happen. Of course they don't know about the months I don't drink. They just know the problem that got out of hand here. They are hard task masters, no mistakes are allowed. I am so proud of them.
It keeps me trying and hoping one day I will see the pride in my childrens eyes for their Mother again. I need them, but they can't be there for me now. I keep trying. I live so alone and sober most of the time.
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