Marriage

[Guest]

Hi everyone. I'm on day 19 AF and for the most part it feels really good. I'm really hurt that my husband has not said one word of support, or even of acknowledgement that I am really trying. It seemed this was all he wanted from me...to get sober. Yesterday I asked him a simple question and he ignored me...which happens fairly often. I asked him if he would start walking at night with me and his response was that people might see him. We have been married for 19 years and for the most part he has been supportive. On Valentine's Day I didn't even get a card...just a "Happy Valentine's Day"...which would have meant something ...but I had to bring it up before I even got that.. He is not interested in me physically at all...and it hurts...and it makes me want to drink.

[scissorhands]

Marriage

Hi i think that you are doing great, keep it up, perhaps sitting your husband down and talking to him about how you are feeling, and that you would like some encouragement from him may help
wishing you all the best

[hippie37]

Marriage

Kimmie, there could be many reasons why your husband is acting the way he is. One might just be that he is carrying his own guilt around. Maybe he feels that he has failed you as a husband because of your drinking. Most men I know want to be able to 'fix' things and maybe he feels he can't do that here. Try and look at this from his perspective instead of turning it back on yourself and making yourself feel worse (and wanting to drink).

I may be way off the mark but it's usually good to see things from the perspective of the other person. It was only when I started putting myself in the shoes of those around me that I'd hurt, that I started to make some sense of the damage I'd done. Sometimes people take a little longer to accept we are being honest about our recovery due to past broken promises. It may be he wants to support you but finds that difficult right now. Again without knowing more I'm only speculating and I'm no relationship guidance counselor either.

Just keep up what you're doing and concentrate on getting well. You'll know when the time is right to have a heart to heart with him and not push him into opening up to you.

Love and Light
Phil
xx

[KatieB]

Marriage

Hi Kimmie.. I just separated from my hubbie as he was verbally abusing me on an almost daily basis, which led me to drink more and more.. this is not a good idea though, as AL just makes you more depressed.. plus I had a son to think of. Really well done for staying AF for so long.. though it hurts that your hubbie does not seem to be supporting you - you are doing this for yourself! Be your own best friend, you dont need him to feel good about yourself.. - I can only say, come here for the support you need - we all understand.. well done, and keep up the good work! AL will only make you feel worse.. maybe you can suggest marriage counselling with your hubby? all the best x

[christyacc]

Marriage

I know it's tough not to feel recognized for your accomplishments....but YOU know you are doing an awesome job!!!! It feels great when others notice, but YOU are the important one!

Keep up the great work! You are doing a wonderful job!!!!

[looking for peace]

Marriage

Kimmie, I really wanted to share something about punishing your loved ones by using the silent treatment, but I couldn't find the passage. Someone here posted it quite awhile ago (if it's familiar, please re-post).

I too, get ignored and get the silent treatment from my husband. Basically the passage says that if someone is punishing you by withholding love, conversation, etc., it's all on the other person. They are just trying to control you. People on the other end of the silent treatment would rather be yelled at than ignored. I hope someone finds the passage because it really helped me. I printed it out and had my husband read it the last time he tried the silent treatment and it totally changed his attitude.

The bottom line is ... don't let his treatment control what you do. Keep up the good work and know you are worthwhile, regardless of his behavior.

[BPleasant]

Marriage

Someone might see him walking? What does that mean? Who is he hiding from?

[Doggygirl]

Marriage

Hi Kimmie. I can understand fully (because I've been there!) how scary this must feel for you. Hippie raised some really good points in his post. They are not necessarily easy points for us to accept, but in my case those points were / are very valid.

I spent years drinking and demonstrating really horrible behavior toward my loved ones. Time and time again I promised to work on things and change. Many times I promised that there were certain things I would never do again. But I drank again and again, I behaved badly again and again, and most significantly, I proved that my promises were worth nothing again and again.

When I finally quit drinking, how on earth would my husband know if it was for real? The only way (unfortunately) to re-build trust is to put it through the test of time. How much time? Only the person one the other end can decide that - it's out of my control.

It is scary to realize that nobody is willing to listen to my empty promises any more. It's scary to know that my loved ones were "on" to me and that the only way out of my situation was to REALLY change my behavior and stop drinking. Not just talk about it or promise it or say that I wanted to stop.

Can you see how drinking will not solve this problem? It might take the pressure off - you might give your husband that "last straw" he might have come to expect. But that is not the point. In the end, we have to quick drinking for ouselves. We are of no use to anyone else until we do that.

I don't know if this is the case with you and your drinking history. I only post this in case you might see something of your own story in it. Fully accepting that my drinking led to a lot of damage in my relationshiops and that the drinking had to stop was a very freeing moment for me. Trying to assess how someone else also did something wrong didn't get me any closer to solving my drinking problem.

All the best to you,

DG

[Lavande]

Marriage

Hi Kimmie,

Although it would be nice to have support at home it's really not necessary!
You are doing well, be proud & keep up the good work!!
I've been married nearly 37 years & received even less that you did on V. Day!

Take care of yourself, worry about your own happiness
Wishing you the best!

Lav

[hoping4better]

Marriage

I found the post. Valuable stuff, as my DH does the same to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Do you use the silent treatment to control? Are you at the other end of someone who punishes you with the silent treatment?

Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored.

When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

You are giving people the silent treatment when you shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. You act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response. Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message that they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve to be punished, deserve to have your "love" taken away.

Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for children and approval-dependent adults, it is a powerful form of control.

The Consequences

While it may seem to you to work for the moment, there are huge negative consequences following the silent treatment. Children feel unloved and unlovable, developing deep beliefs about their inadequacy. While they may comply to avoid your withdrawal of approval, inwardly they are likely to feel lonely and heartbroken - feelings that they can't handle - so they become angry and resistant to manage the feelings. Their anger and resistance may show up in others areas that cause problems for them and for you.

While your partner may scurry around to try to please you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the fact that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelings of heartache in your partner that may eventually lead to the end of the relationship. What seems to work for the moment may lead to exactly what you don’t want in the long run.

When Your Partner is Punishing you With the Silent Treatment

What goes on inside you when your partner shuts down to you?
• Do you tell yourself you must have done something wrong?
• Do you feel a sense of loneliness and heartache that feels unbearable?
• Do you feel alone and abandoned inside?
• Do you feel anxious and scared?

If you feel any of these, it is really because you are abandoning yourself and making your partner responsible for you. It is you doing this that is allowing the silent treatment to work to control you.

If you were taking loving care of yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your own feelings, here is what would be going on inside:
• You would be telling yourself: "My partner is choosing to punish me rather than take responsibility for his or her feelings. Whatever I may or may not have done that he or she doesn't like, I am not responsible for how he or she is dealing with it, and I have no control over him or her.
• You would be bringing love inside, letting yourself know that you are a good person and deserving of love.
•You would get out of range of your partner's energy - taking a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, or doing something else to make yourself happy.
•You would keep your own heart open, not going into anger or judgment toward your partner, so that when your partner decides to open again, there is no residue for you. You would not punish your partner for trying to punish you. You would just make sure that their punishment doesn't work for them.
•You would embrace your loneliness and heartache with deep compassion for yourself, sitting with these feelings for a few minutes and then releasing them to Spirit.

Eventually, when you are truly taking loving care of yourself, others will stop using the silent treatment, since it will no longer work for them.

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

Most interesting.
Chook

[Miss Behaving]

Marriage

oh! This stabbed me in the heart .... in a good and insightful way. In a way which helped with something I've been grappling with.

Not because of my own partner, but because it was how my mother acted towards my father. And still treats her remaining children. I'm still trying to get over it and behave like a grown up - given that she is 85 and not going to be changing her accustomed ways of relating any time soon!!! Hoping4 better - thanks for that post. It helped to bring some perspective to a grumpy couple of days.

[rubywillow]

Marriage

Thanks for finding that post, H4B. I is WONDERFUL!!

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

My partner treats me like this..and yes it is soul-destroying.But one of the main thiings that post showed me, the most awful thing, is that I can at times do the very same thing to my kids when they do something I don't approve of! (I could kick myself..very hard!!)
So will be watching myself for it! Trouble is, I'm not sure what to do instead when I am so angry I could spit and yet I do not want to speak and say something 'damaging' so I don't speak!!
What do I do instead?? They still need to learn to take responsibility for their actions, but I don't want to punish them like this. I want to teach them the right way..but what is that?
*Sigh* confused parent
Chook

[Lavande]

Marriage

Chook,

When my kids were young & very irritating - I removed myself from their presence for however many minutes it took to calm myself down.
Once I was calm I went back & told them I didn't like what they did - the behavior. I made sure they understood that I loved THEM very much but I didn't like the BEHAVIOR.
It must have been the right thing to do because today they are 29 + 33 years old & still like me

Trust yourself, you're a smart Mum!

Lav