Marriage

[Guest]

Marriage

Hi Chook3,

I do the same as you. I didn't consider it ignoring just biting my tongue. I keep quiet otherwise goodness knows what I will say. I'm not prepared to rant at my son as I think this would be damaging, so I will try Lavande's way. I have done this recently and was pleased with the result. It was purely by mistake - I went to hang the washing out to remove myself from a situation with my son. Luckily, that time out was enough for us and calmed the situation.

On the other hand, I fell out with a mum at school over 2 years ago. (We were very good friends or so I thought.) Even now she ignores me and my friends who are "guilty by association." She will not even make eye contact. And she instructs her husband and parents on who they are and aren't allowed to talk to. I think she does this as it's easier than dealing with the situation. She won't even exchange a good morning or hello. This "silent treatment" doesn't bother me and my friends but certainly makes for a bad atmosphere at school functions.

Spam

[KatieB]

Marriage

Lavande.. that makes a lot of sense.. it says to do that in all the parenting books when it comes to discipline - show that you love THEM for who they are, but do not approve of the way they are behaving.. my son is only young (just under 2 years old).. but I will make sure I adopt that method of parenting, to ensure he has a strong self-esteem.. that's what I want more than anything; I do not want my son growing up with low self-esteem like I did - that is so damaging.. one of the greatest gifts you can give your children (well, apart from love.. but that goes without saying) - is a strong and healthy sense of self-worth - that way they can tackle anything that life throws at them!!!

[edward]

Marriage

Hi Kimmey; It sounds like you are on the right track and are doing great,I am new to the AF thing my self and am recently seperated from a great wife,I do feel for you I know what it is like to be ignored!
Keep your chin up you will make it!! Edward

[Tulipe]

Marriage

Kimmey,
Keep going, after all this is mostly for you and your benefit to get control of AL. I think Doggy Girl was inciteful here. He surely has anger built up and it's just going to take a while for him to believe you, and believe in you. All you can do is build up a history of day after day of being AF and showing that you can do it.
Hang in there.

[~EVA~]

Marriage

First of all~Congrats on your AF days!

I'd give it time.

In my situation I had promised to stop drinking only to start again a month, a few weeks & even days later. How could I blame my husband for not believing me for the upteenth time that this time was it for good. How could I expect him to congratulate me when in the past i only let him & myself (& family) down. But I noticed that when I put in a good month that was when he would tell me he was proud of me.

Good luck & keep up the great work.

p.s.

Forget taking him for the time being-grab a MP3 player, put on some up beat songs & walk towards more AF days!

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

Thanks Lav,as always you dispense sage advise!
The witholding thing is such a subtle manipulation,that it is difficult to even recognise at times! (Even in yourself..but my eyes are opening to it now!)
I shall take your parenting advise too...I think I shall ponder my techniques for a bit and maybe even write down ideas of what I can say or do...for the kids and when my hubby withdraws as well.
I think many of us may have this addiction as a direct link to suppressing our feelings and of being punished like this! It's like we are 'acting out' in the only way we can to vent our hurt!(not an excuse, just a reason maybe, and still something that we can only change as individuals!)
Does any of that even make sense....?.....hmmm! oh well, that's my two cents for what it's worth!
Chook

[Lavande]

Marriage

Chook,

You make perfect sense - to me!
I even admitted, out loud to my husband years ago, that I WAS drinking to 'help keep my mouth shut'!!!
All I really wanted to do was yell his head right off his shoulders! But I knew that would be a waste of my time & energy because he just couldn't seem to hear a thing I was saying. Right???

Stay well
Lav

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

I'm living it now Lav!
*sigh*

[sick of being sick]

Marriage

WOW! Hoping, that one hurt! My husband does the same thing to me and those are exactly the things I'm telling myself. What did I do wrong and how can I make it up to you? I am like this with all relationships. I need their approval and love or I feel very unlovable. True, I am insecure and the one with the problem, but hey I don't like confrontation or ignored in any way. I want everyone to like me and I try so hard to please everyone! I guess that stinkin thinkin was one of the reasons I drank so heavily, because the truth is, no one is going to love you and be happy with you all the time, regardless of how hard you try! One exception is: my doggie loves me all the time! But Kimmie, I can relate to your situation. My husband hardly ever touches me and it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable so I work out every day and always try to look nice, especially at bedtime and I fall asleep every night feeling like a failure! We gotta love ourselves, and that has been especially hard for me. I wish I knew the answer to not needing their approval, desire or love to be okay, but I'm in the same boat with ya!

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

I guess you can only change yourself and by doing so perhaps this will be a catalyst for them to change...but I am ever the cynic....!

Chook

[Guest]

Marriage

I dont agree with all of this but this is some of the stuff being conveyed to me at current relationship counselling

How do men and women think differently?

Men think compartmentally and women think globally. Men tend to mentally separate and store information in very organized yet completely separate compartments, like in a file-cabinet-drawer system. Things such as Work, Hobbies, Wife, Sex, etc. are kept in distinctly different compartments or files, staying exclusively within that compartment until it’s time to “close the drawer” and open the next one.If you have ever called your husband at work asking him to pick something up from the grocery store on his way home, only for him to arrive empty-handed, it’s because he was exclusively working within the framework of his “work” compartment where nothing else exists but the job at hand.

Women tend to do the complete opposite, cognitively connecting things up, seeing life’s events more globally. Women see how details and information relate to each other, with their inherent underlying and interrelated connections. Men, have you ever gotten into a disagreement with your wife where she brings things up that happened many months ago? That’s because she thinks globally, and sees the connection between the current topic in the argument with the previous one. Both ways of thinking are great ways of thinking, compartmental and global, but put them together in the same relationship and things start getting very interesting.
How do men and women speak differently?

Men speak to report facts in short phrases with little or no details, whereas women speak in paragraphs tobuild rapport with lots of details. Men want and need the “bottom line” first and foremost, followed up with more details now that their need for the bottom line has been met. Women want and need to build up to the bottom line, as their enjoyment comes from telling the story. The enjoyment women find in the telling of the story leading up the bottom line often becomes very frustrating for men, which often leads to disagreements. To communicate effectively with those of the opposite sex, it is necessary to change your approach, by women fulfilling the mans need for the bottom line first and men fulfilling the woman’s need by giving more details.

bridging the communication gap between men and women goes far beyond the obvious. On average, women use 25,500 words in a day while men use about 12,500 in a day. A man using 12,495 words during an average work day comes home with only five words left, “What’s for dinner?” (that’s three!) and “Good Night” (that‘s five!). On average, women maintain eye contact while speaking for twelve seconds vs. a man maintaining eye contact for three seconds. Change your approach by balancing the needed eye contact and number of words spoken, you will find disagreements and hurt feelings will be exponentially minimized.
How do men and women decide differently?

Women have been taught since childhood to use “hint language” when asking for something she wants or needs. Unfortunately, men do not often get the hint, due to the fact that men tend to take language very literally, focusing attention on the context of the message rather than hidden meanings. Remember to speak THEIR language not your own, being direct in an assertive and respectful manner, understanding that when it comes to communication differences between men and women and bridging the communication gap, delivery is every thing

[Guest]

Marriage

I am in the same kind of marriage.

What I hate about myself is I drink to escape and get courage, except it is always way out of bounds when I have drank. It puts the nasty focus again on me. I am not nice when I drink, first attack verbally from him I let him know what he has done wrong, many times not remembering it the next day!

My husband can be so rude to me on an almost daily basis, no love physically for years.
I put up with it, some days he can act like my best friend and my hope soars, then he'll tell me how I have to stay at home to not ruin my 'persona' for business because of how I look. I put on weight to give myself a reason for being ignored. How dumb.

I am never proud of my actions drinking, completely have to go through the hating myself stage to build myself up again, not drinking. It is a cycle. Yes and so insane.

I honestly don't know how I feel now about my marriage anymore, drinking puts the hatred on me, I think I avoid facing the truth by doing that.

Does that make any sense?

[Doggygirl]

Marriage

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know it's me.

I can relate to so much of what you ladies are saying. I operated for years as a very "type A" personality on the outside, but inside tend to be very insecure and seeking approval. Of course my AL abuse didn't help ANY of that. It didn't help me get approval, it didn't help me escape, and it especially didn't help me love and accept myself.

I am finding that by doing my best to live right each day, and do the "next right thing" to the best of my ability, I am happier in my own skin. That's the only one I can change is me. And at least if I try to do what's right (even when I would rather have a pity party, or whatever), I can start feeling good about me.

Maybe the marriages will improve without AL in the picture, or maybe they won't. But at least we can find ourselves, and learn to love and respect ourselves, and then we can probably find a way to deal with the marriages in whatever way is "the next right thing."

Lav is a wonderful example of someone who had NO support from the Mr. at home, but she wanted sobriety bad enough to do it for herself. I'm very grateful I HAVE the support of Mr. Doggy. But either way, it can be done and for us people with serious AL problems, I think sobriety is essential if we are to grow beyond these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy the suck the life right out of us.

DG

[ChickenNumber3]

Marriage

DAng straight!
amen to that
Chook

[rubywillow]

Marriage

Last night Hubs, out of the blue, leaned over and hugged me and said 'You know, I'm really proud of you for not drinking or smoking anymore.' For Hubs, that was HIGH praise. He is a man of few words, tends to be negative (if you knew his parents you'd wonder why he wasn't suicidal!), so I was so touched by his words. He is coming to terms, too, with the fact that my drinking (and his) was not the only problem between us. He's on an antidepressant now (he calls them his sit-down-and-shutup-pills), though he fought the idea for years, and he is feeling and acting SO much better. I'm a positive, outgoing person, so it's been hard to live with someone who sees the glass always half empty, the negatives in every situation. We are able to discuss things now whereas in years past any small disagreement could quickly escalate into a full-fledged, hurtful, screaming match. I guess I'm trying to say being AF doesn't solve all our relationship problems, and both parties have to work to make changes, but it is SO much easier to do with a clear head and conscience. Hang in there, everyone, and give it your best shot. A bad relationship is not an excuse to drink. If it can't be fixed, it will take all your wits to make the changes in your life you need to live the life you deserve.