~Divorce~

[hiddengoal]

There was a 'Marriage' thread last week, so how about a Divorce' thread? I'll bet there are many with experiences, but I am interested in those who divorce after 20+ years of marriage - after building homes, birthing and raising children, going through life phases and lots of 'extended family' events.

If you are willing to share, I have a few 'interview' questions, just to give a framework. If you have other 'key thoughts', please feel free to share.

1. What, if anything, would you do differently?
2. Do you think its possible to have both partners work towards an 'amicable situation? If so, what contributes to that?
3. If you are on the other side of it, are you glad where you now are?
4. Advice to those considering......

[time2change]

~Divorce~

I guess I am the poster child for this thread. I am divorced after 21 years of marriage. We lived away from all of our family since we moved 1500 miles away after gettting married. We have two kids (21 and 15).
1-I would have divorced sooner.
2-We are amicable in our divorce and that works for me. In my case it was because I told him that I was no longer willing to deal with his drug abuse. Also helped that I printed the pictures of his hidden drugs.
3-I am so much better off.
4-Advice would be that every situation is different so never listen to others. Remember that the important person is you!! Don't put it off if you already know you are no longer in love. Communicate with the kids because it will make a difference.
PM me so we can chat!

[greeneyes]

~Divorce~

If there can be two poster children, I'm the other one.

It's your book, your chapter, your page. I am grateful that the circumstances are such that I am no longer married. It could/should have happened sooner, but it didn't. It doesn't matter. What matters is now. Listen closely to your heart. It knows. But you must keep it open.

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

Thanks for the posts, but not too many are touching this - ha!

[greeneyes]

~Divorce~

There was a divorce thread about a year ago started by dexterhead. But in a year's time I think problably many are on a different page than then. I may look it up and see what page I was on (cringe )

[spedteach]

~Divorce~

Hidden,
I am definitely looking at this thread with interest. I've been married 28 years and think I am ready to try something else. This past weekend I thought a lot about being alone vs. feeling lonely. I don't mind being by myself, doing things by myself. I feel lonely when I'm with my husband. Our lack of communication is so glaring. Does that make sense to anyone?
Just writing this feels scary. Plus this is my first year of sobriety. I'm not making making any life changing decisions at the moment. I am getting a lot of work done on our house though and when I pick out new paint or carpet colors, I don't think about what I would like. More like what would make this house sell.

[greeneyes]

~Divorce~

spedteach, I did the same thing with the decorating and then I got the house. Ironic, I thought. :H No major decisions in the first year is fine but is a guideline. FH left me weeks after I became sober. The year idea flew out the window with him as I changed the locks. I can say this for myself. I am alone but far from lonely. I can relate to what you mean. There is sadness in doing things alone when you are not accompanied by your mate and it is by choice, lack of interest, whatever. Can it be revived? Maybe. There are things to do, to try. It's an individual path. Someone's marriage may have a the potential to be restored and rejuvenated and they should try it.

I suddenly realize that I am speaking from one side of the fence and feel uncomfortable. I think I'll let it go for now.

[DeeBee]

~Divorce~

I've been keeping my beady eye on this thread with interest.
Married for 15 years.
Moved out a week ago.
Can't stand the toxic environment anymore!
I'm beginning to think that maybe, just maybe I don't need him to 'complete' me.

[greeneyes]

~Divorce~

wow, deebs!! Big step. "Toxic" she says, nodding her head.

I forgot to mention I was with FH for 22 years - no kids - employment is an issue as my involvement in his business comes to a close.

[KateH1]

~Divorce~

Hi,
Looks like several here are looking to make some major changes.
I was divorced a little over 16 years ago after a 22 year marriage. It was the best thing that I ever did for myself! At the time of my divorce, I was not only prepared but excited at the thought of living without a partner for the rest of my life. The universe had other plans and brought the love of my life into the picture, a year and a half later.....another story for another time.

For years, I had lived in a lifeless, loveless marriage. My ex was emotionally abusive. I had put all my focus on my kids and my career for many years. When I left, my daughter was in college, my oldest son was working and living in another state and my youngest son was 14. For a while it was a bit rough on the kids, but, they are fine with it now and actually believe that I did what was best.

At the end of the day, houses, money and all the "Stuff", never truly makes us happy. A bad relationship can drain us dry and deprive us of truly living.

Best wishes to all on making the best decision for you.

xx Kate

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

Thanks Kate and everyone else. It is such a strange reality...when you wake up to it. I never intended to break a vow...I never intended to leave.....but that was back when I made the commitment...and for many years hence. But that commitment no longer fits. That commitment required me to hide, to be smothered. I see that now. And now, its almost like "Me" or nothing.

If I am to survive, I will probably have to leave. Now, a year past hard work and introspection, I like myself again. I value my humor, my intellect, my ability to know 'flow', my appreciations, my tastes, my experiences, and my possibility. I can't let that hide anymore.

Do you know what I mean?

[time2change]

~Divorce~

Exactly!!!
Think before you act.

[dancingon]

~Divorce~

HI there
I just separated after 21 years of marriage and 4 kids, who are still at home. Frankly, I wanted to do it earlier, but lacked the courage. He decided to leave and I was shocked and horrified as it was right before Christmas, which landed me in the s**t financially and emotionally. However, within a few days I realised how much more relaxed and positive I was feeling, and that the kids were happy. Sometimes you need to be out of a situation before you realise how unhappy you were and do something about it.

I too made the mistake of pouring myself into family, and leaving little for me and now I'm paying for it.

[hiddengoal]

~Divorce~

Dancingon, hope you are making the adjustments. Thanks for you post.

[Cecelia]

~Divorce~

I was married almost 20 years with 4 children.

1) I would have divorced 10 yrs before I did.
2) I think it is very possible for an amicable divorce, but mine is not one of them.
3) When I was first separated and going through the divorce, I thought that I would never live through it. Not only did I successfully live through it, I'm a better, stronger person for the experience.
4) Advice to those considering...make a plan and leave, before you lose yourself.